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First copy review - help would be much appreciated

by Lucian Lada
8 replies
I've written almost all of my first copy, and I would be very grateful to everyone who takes a look at it and gives me some feedback.

You can find the copy here: Morning Launching Ritual |

The copy is not proofread, and the offer part is not finished as well, but I want to see how the flow goes, how well I've managed to stir up some feelings, and if, in your experience, would appeal to this market (personal development market).

Ohh, forgot to mention: the copy is very long...
#appreciated #copy #review
  • Profile picture of the author sabinavarga
    Just at first glance, the headline is overwhelming. Consider breaking it down into a headline and subhead, and experiment with some different colors for the two, so the readers don't give up after the first couple of lines.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I've been writing in the mindset market since '05/'06 and I can tell you beyond any shadow of doubt, this will not convert.

    You're NOT demonstrating to understand the deeper aspects of what mindset is.

    Your story doesn't draw me in at all; it's not hitting the deeper insecurities and circumstances people who are immersed in the mindset community are already aware of.

    You're prolonging getting to the point so much, it makes my head hurt.

    And once you get to the point in Truth 1 and Truth 2, there's not nearly enough substance to wet my whistle.

    You're also off-base about WHY people don't apply everything they learn in books, seminars, workshops, etc...

    ...It's not that they're necessarily lacking structure.

    In fact...

    A lot of people really do amazing at harnessing the self-development tools they learn when the information is fresh in their minds (and they're riding the wave of adrenaline and inspiration,) but the REAL reason people don't create real change is totally different:

    They don't BELIEVE they REALLY create their reality.

    Sure, being able to use the mind to manifest wealth, love and freedom sounds wonderful.

    However...

    For the most part...

    People give up when their circumstances seduce and distract them to the point of totally abandoning their quest for empowerment.

    Why?

    Well... that's a long story.

    Limiting beliefs only scratch the surface of what actually compels someone to give away their power to reality.

    Lastly...

    The whole "outside force" thing, where you're describing mindset as an invisible presence pushing me towards what I really want is going to confuse people...

    ...because mindset is the inside world that CREATES the external experience. (read that again.)

    If you externalize mindset (as being a separate entity,) you're actually helping people feel MORE disempowered.

    I understand what you're attempting, but it won't work, especially in the abstract way you've described it.

    Having the concept in your headline is confusing as hell and you'll lose the majority of your readers right then and there.

    Mark Pescetti
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  • Profile picture of the author FuNwiThChRiS
    Try this headline (people love famous quotes and naturally gravitate towards them due to their intrinsic authority).
    "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
    - Albert Einstein

    Teaser
    Change your mindset and change your life. Move forward, achieve your goals, and feel comfortable in your own skin. All in one simple step!
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    Work hard, live a happy life, cherish your family and friends. Be thankful for every day.

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  • Profile picture of the author Lucian Lada
    Mark, thanks for the great input. I think you're right and I will change the sales letter. Do you know how can I research better to find out more about this group of people?
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    Professional autoresponder email writer.
    I also write premium quality articles, e-books, etc.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
      Originally Posted by canyon View Post

      Mark, thanks for the great input. I think you're right and I will change the sales letter. Do you know how can I research better to find out more about this group of people?
      You have to BE one of these people.

      The first money I made in the self help market was just about communicating how I became aware of what reality REALLY is (i.e. not the physical existence we believe it is.)

      People connected with my message.

      YOU have to intimately reveal and experience HOW you create your own reality BEFORE you can help anyone else do the same.

      If you like, I can give you a free mindset session and give you some insight into how I help entrepreneurs explode their limiting beliefs.

      Other than that...

      Read, read, read....

      ...and absorb all the information that is out there.

      Then forget it ALL.

      You've just got to become aware of all the stuff people learn and believe to properly interrupt their programming and help them understand how they're just fooling themselves...

      ...when they are NOT getting the results they want.

      Mark

      P.S.
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      Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Canyon,

    I agree with Mark P. Take his advice.

    Start from scratch. You don't know this market. But you can learn it.

    Here's an old headline and intro from back in the day which worked...
    *******************************************
    Release the Genie-Change Your World!



    How to stop holding on to what’s holding you back.


    Are you still in life’s waiting room?Waiting for…


    . . . true love and romance?
    ...financial freedom and independence?
    ...health and happiness?


    Isn’t it time to quit waiting and start living your dreams? If not now, when?

    The Secret to your great future and getting ahead…is...

    letting go of your anchoring past. Here’s why;

    You may not even know what is holding you back from achieving your dreams. Most people don’t..

    Your subconscious mind is like a genie that stands ready, willing and able to grant your every wish and the magic of xxxxxxxx will automatically help you release the hidden mental blocks and automatically take you to every success you are dreaming about.

    RELEASE THE BLOCKS—CHANGE YOUR WORLD!
    *******************************************


    See, this market doesn't really want nor will they very often buy, anything which smacks of effort or work.

    I have NO idea what a personal growth enthusiast is...can you define him/her?

    Cause, you must KNOW your target, your potential customer and what they want...then you offer up a quick and easy solution, which doesn't require a lot of energy...and then you offer them your tested and proven system solution.

    I did read the entire page. YIKES on Me and my time.

    Take Mark's advice, start over, start with a TARGET person in mind, and believe it or don't, there isn't any such person as a personal growth enthusiast...

    There are people with wants and needs, and their wants are about getting something or being someone or achieving something...very few people just simply want to improve themselves...they are motivated by what the improvement will bring/give/get them.

    Be it love, money, sex or power. Which are the basic four.

    Good luck, and keep in mind Joe Karbo was able to tell his down on his luck story in about 3 short paragraphs...and was able to resonate with the reader.

    gjabiz

    Originally Posted by canyon View Post

    I've written almost all of my first copy, and I would be very grateful to everyone who takes a look at it and gives me some feedback.

    You can find the copy here: Morning Launching Ritual |

    The copy is not proofread, and the offer part is not finished as well, but I want to see how the flow goes, how well I've managed to stir up some feelings, and if, in your experience, would appeal to this market (personal development market).

    Ohh, forgot to mention: the copy is very long...
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    You can find some great samples of effective sales letter for personal development books in Melivin Power's Mail Order book and Classfied Ads book. They will give you some great ideas to model.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
      Hi Canyon,

      Great advice already given.

      Here's my view.

      Use a much better headline. And as mentioned by others a pre-head and subhead.

      You've already had some excellent suggestions.

      Don't use a script font.

      Use bold and cap the first letter in each word.


      You were probably told that "long copy" is better than short copy.

      Which is true.

      But not if you make it loooonnnnggg just for the sake of it.

      Make it enthralling, entertaining, with a "must have" product.

      Don't ramble on.

      Keep it structured, logical and emotional.


      Another thing - there are so many "lets get you motivated" stuff out there.

      Better create a truly unique USP. And highlight it. Something they haven't seen or ignored before.

      Remember your audience by definition is "unmotivated"

      So, don't make them "work" because they won't bother.

      Make the copy easy to read, short paragraphs with lots of "get you into the copy" subheads.

      Make the offer amazingly good.

      And concentrate hard on the P.S. - it's likely to be one of the only things your audience reads.

      Make it stunning.


      Steve
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      http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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