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What's this missing

by Thomas Michal
6 replies
Okay so I'm writing copy for a singles event that's going to be going on in my city and I'm trying to figure out what this is missing, any input?

Thanks in advance



Hey if you're single and ready to get out, have some fun and meet new people...

then join me and 450* other singles that feel the exact same way.

It doesn't matter if you're new to town or just bored because all your friends are in committed relationships or married

On Thursday, August 8th get off the couch and away from the computer

and come to the 508 in Minneapolis for one of the biggest singles events the Twin Cities has ever seen.

Just imagine being somewhere where everyone was looking for the same thing as you...

A chance to get out meet quality men and women and make some new friends in a natural and organic way

If you're anything like me, you're sick and tired of being stuck in the same routine day after day of going home after work, putting on sweatpants and finding that dent in the couch to watch whatever terrible TV show is on while surfing the web...

Well now is your chance to change that and add some excitement to your life.

Won't it be great to have a new group of single friends to call that are always ready to get out and do something fun?

Or Won't it be nice to meet other quality singles that are looking to date you.

And Maybe you've tried other things in the past like

Meetups

Speed dating

Matchmaking

Online dating

other social groups

But there always something missing. And it seems that as you grow up meeting people and making new friends becomes more difficult

Because it doesn't happen at the gym coffee shop or in the grocery store like to see you on the movies

And that's where we come in

Twin Cities Exclusive is not a dating service or a social club.

We are a group dedicated to throwing events that get people out of the house to have fun and meet other people the old-fashioned way... In person.

Now admission to this event is extremely limited to:

225 men
225 women

And these tickets will sell out fast so get yours now.

... Will continue
#missing
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    I'd stir up the pain they're feeling at the beginning of the piece, not in the middle.

    Also, using the phrase "extremely limited" without giving a reason why comes across as empty.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
      Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

      I'd stir up the pain they're feeling at the beginning of the piece, not in the middle.

      Also, using the phrase "extremely limited" without giving a reason why comes across as empty.

      Alex
      Good point thanks, it's the places max capacity I suppose I'll throw that in there.
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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
        Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

        Good point thanks, it's the places max capacity I suppose I'll throw that in there.
        Studies have proven that people comply with requests more often if a reason why is given.

        Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Stefan King
    How is this copy going to be delivered to the audience? A website, a letter, newspaper ad, brochure? This matters to some extent.

    The first thing that is missing is a headline. It should grab the attention of the target audience, by promising a benefit. That is they only reason they are going to read the rest of the copy.

    It should be clear within three seconds what's in it for them.

    Hint: People don't *want* to go to a singles event. They want to meet the man or woman of their dreams. They want an exciting fling. They want to finally start a family. Or they want to get laid.

    So that is what the headline should promise, directly, or by subconscious suggestion. If you suspect the motives of the target audience are base, use an indirect suggestion for the headline.

    The second thing that is missing is a 'case' for why someone should meet a person this way. Why not go to a bar, an Internet dating site, or cooking classes or whatever. What is so great specifically about a singles event for gettting the promised benefit?
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  • Profile picture of the author ReferralCandy
    Start by describing a problem and then solve it. Do the Listerine thing (one of my favourite examples because it works so well)

    1: point out the horrors of bad breath
    2: offer a solution

    Similarly, start strongly by telling me how pathetic I am for having no social life, and how you're going to save me from boredom, misery and loneliness.

    Not in such straightforward terms, of course. Unless that's what works for your target audience. Test, test, test.
    Signature

    Measure, manage and incentivize customer referrals with ReferralCandy.

    PS: Looking to get more repeat customers for a physical store? Check out CandyBar's digital loyalty cards!

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  • Profile picture of the author johndetlefs
    Personally I think it's too wordy, and can be compressed to be more punchy.

    "Are you ready to get out, have some fun, and meet new people?

    On Thursday, August 8th, join me at the 508 in Minneapolis with 450* other singles in what will be one of the biggest singles events the Twin Cities has ever seen.

    This is your chance to get out and meet quality men and women who are looking for the same thing as you... to make new friends in a natural and organic way! (with maybe even a little bit of fun on the side)

    To be clear, this isn't going to be like any of the meetup, speed dating, match making, online dating or social group deals that you've gone to before.

    We are a group dedicated to throwing parties that get you out of the house and having fun meeting other people the old-fashioned way… In person.

    The venue only fits 450 people, and based on past experience this one is going to sell out fast so call 02 555 5555 now and lock yourself in for the night of your life!"

    I'd then throw in some testimonials of other people who have been to previous events and had a great time.

    This may not be what you're looking for, but it hopefully shows you a different perspective!
    Signature

    You only get one shot at life - make it awesome.

    Everyone else also gets just one crack at it - help make theirs awesome too... or, politely step out of their way.

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