First headline critique

by Vanquish

Posted: 15 years ago 13 replies

COPY WRITING

Hey guys

I took the tips you gave me from my headline tips thread and crafted my first headline and sub line. It is for a dating product that helps guys with low self confidence get girls.

The market is usually split up into two types of buyers younger guys 18-25 who can't get women and older guys 35+ who are divorced/ haven't found the "one" with that in place feel free to rip apart and give any suggestions with no mercy.

"Former Overweight Nerd Stumbles Upon The Secrets The Gurus Don't Want You To Know About Attracting Hoards Of Hot Women Begging To Have Amazing Sex With You Even If You're Old,Fat,Poor And Have Low Self Esteem"

For the first time learn the practical step by step guide that will teach YOU how to explode your confidence and approach any women anywhere and have her give you her phone number and go on a date with you in record time

#critique #headline

James Spinosa

15 years ago

I would change around a few words, for instance I wouldn't include "Even If You're Old,Fat,Poor And Have Low Self Esteem" because people don't want to admit they have low self esteem/other bad traits and it will make them self conscious of buying the product. I would also take out one word from "former overweight nerd", whether it is nerd or overweight, because it feels like it is trying to hard to conform to the audience.

Start the subtitle as 'Learn the..." and make the final lines into "Have her give you her phone number in record time". I like to make headlines more succinct.

Those are my suggestions anyway, I encourage posters after me to further revise my revisions as well

Thanks
1 reply

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Alex Cohen

15 years ago

First, the headline doesn't pass the believability test.

Second, it doesn't make sense. Why would gurus care whether old, fat, and poor people are having amazing sex or not?

Alex

Thanks
1 reply

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Vanquish

15 years ago

Originally Posted by alexcoh

First, the headline doesn't pass the believability test.

Second, it doesn't make sense. Why would gurus care whether old, fat, and poor people are having amazing sex or not?

Alex

its the secrets of attracting the women despite being old, fat poor. Similarily it is one of the stereotypes portrayed by many men which prevents them from learning how to attract and get the types of women they deserve

Thanks

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Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.

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joelraitt

15 years ago

Originally Posted by [SIZE=4

For the first time learn the practical step by step guide that will teach YOU how to explode your confidence and approach any women anywhere and have her give you her phone number and go on a date with you in record time

Yah take I'd take out the last part, what if I am not those things, your telling me your site wont work for me! Do not exclude anyone. Have you looked at some simular sites? Google double your dating, sign up and goto the 3rd page in. Amazing copy in there that works! And maybe tone it down a knotch haha its a little out there! Write out 25 then chose your best 3 and test them! Then chose 2 more and test them against the winner! Good luck!

Thanks
1 reply

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Vanquish

15 years ago

Originally Posted by joelraitt

thanks for the suggestion but isn't the point to hook the reader, More so a large amount of my demographic market are typically suffer from low self esteem becasue of their looks,weight and fnancial status. This is one of the many stereotypes that my market believes will prevent them from having success with women. By narrowing myself down wouldnt i be branding myself to a more targeted audience or should i just tone it down and appeal to everyone?

I have looked at some similar sites and these are the hedlines of the three best competing products in order. I tried to take something from each put a twist on it and incorporate it into my headline and sub headline

Competitor 1
"How To Approach Any Woman, Anywhere And Know Exactly What To Say To Get Her To Give You Her Number And Go On A Date With You - NOW"

Personal note today: June 2, 2009

Women have tried to have my guide
BANNED...

As of today, I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to sell it...

Why?

Because they don't want YOU to have the power of sexual selection they have gained over the past 20 years or so since women's earning power increased and their reliance on a male "provider" disappeared...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Competitor 2

"The Lazy Man's Way
To Easy Sex And Romance
With 20 Or More Women A Month"

How a Strange Discovery of the Alpha Male System™ By a Desperate 22 Year-Old Virgin Hypnotically Draws Women To You...Eager For Anything-Goes Sex...Automatically...No Matter If You're Old, Young, Dead-Broke or Have Physical Features That Now Turn Women Off!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
competitor 3

Attention All Men...

"How To Have Unlimited Numbers Of Women Literally Beg For Your Body!"

I'm Convinced Any Man can Quickly and Easily Copy What I'm Doing, Once You Understand It, No Matter Your Looks, Age Or Income. Why would any sane man reveal this kind of secret, if it was true? Read my message and find out...

sorry for the big text i'm just copying and pasting from the websites

Thanks
1 reply

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Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.

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CopperCopy

15 years ago

Nice start, Vanquish!

You are studying headlines which is a wonderful way to begin learning the secrets to writing a good headline.

With that being said, don't look for love from any of the copywriter's here. They are going to be straight with you. That headline will get you absolutely no-where! lol

But the most promising thing is the fact that you're beginning to develop the skills necessary to create compelling headlines.

Now, I would encourage you to re-examine your target audience and think about what they want. Get in their head. Put yourself in their shoes. What benefits will this guide give them? Every guy has a crush of some kind... play on that... let them know right off that your guide will give them the girl of their dreams: Sally with the brown hair and cute smile that works at the Starbucks you go to every morning.

Is their a way to condense your headline and eliminate those words that aren't actually necessary?

The others that have posted have raised some good questions.

I hope this is helpful and you weren't taken too far away by my suggestion to look at other's headlines! Don't think about what is contained in the headlines that is clever. Think about what they're trying to get you to feel or do.

You'll get there!

Thanks
1 reply

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Vanquish

15 years ago

Originally Posted by CopperCopy

Thanks for your help and reply, yea i don't mind being ripped up have to improve and learn new things everyday to stay on top.

Thing is about my demographis is very broad the majority of guys have issues with women and would like to improve it but everyone has different goals for example the yougner demographic will want to have many sexual partners while the older demographic will want to find "the one" i figure if i can play on the ploy of getting women and getting sex which every guy essentially wants that is why i choose to structure my headline the way it is.

it would seem successful based on my market demographics and i also say this based on studying the above three compelling headlines of my competitors which also include the same type of theme.

thinking about it

my market also wants to avoid loneliness and frustration because of not finding a girl so i guess i can re work it to work with that?

also can you tell me what is so terrible about my headline? i would really apprechiate your opinion on it

Thanks
1 reply

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Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.

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CopperCopy

15 years ago

The one thing that the headline could benefit from is focus and clarity

I'm going to chop your headline up so you can see why it will not convert.

1. Former Overweight Nerd
2. Stumbles Upon The Secrets
3. The Gurus Don't Want You To Know
4. About Attracting Hoards Of Hot Women
5. Begging To Have Amazing Sex With You
6. Even If You're Old,Fat,Poor And Have Low Self Esteem

Just taking the actual headline piece by piece:

1. If your target demographic is overweight "nerds" then this might be okay. But from what you are telling me, your target demographic is larger.

2. "Stumbles upon the secrets" has a strong rhythm, but doesn't go well with what you're doing. The word "stumble" in itself does little to raise confidence levels of the man looking to attract women. Stumbling is a word that may drive readers away because it may decrease credibility.

3. "The Gurus Don't want you to know" ... What guru? The Love Guru? When selling dating products, the likelihood of your target demographic even knowing what the word "guru" means is very low. As well, what love gurus (honestly) do you know of that are famous that are household names? What's the likelihood that your reader cares about gurus and their secrets?

What's even worse about this part is the fact that you use "Don't want you"... This is a critical error in writing copy for attracting the opposite sex. Any words that are not affirming the man's ability to get a beach full of hot babes are unnecessary, and these little phrases are silent but deadly killers.

4. Is it just me, or do you think of wolves and/or Orcs from Lord of The Rings when you think of the word "hoards"? Is this over promising? Chances are your reader will realize that you are exaggerating, and click off your site immediately.

5. Begging to have amazing sex with you... now that is interesting. Perhaps one of the strongest parts of your headline. I think this is a shining gem, your one clear idea, that you should take and develop upon. What is "amazing" sex? Be more specific.

6. Drawing upon negative imagery in an attempt to sell a product to males that want hot chicks is a big no-no. You want them to have high self esteem, so rather than tell who this can help, you need to tell WHAT THIS PRODUCT WILL DO FOR THIS MAN...

The only thing worth saving in the sub-headline is "explode your confidence" as it's vivid, catchy, and screams sexuality.

There is no "quick fix"... you must keep revising until you get it right.

Try again!

Thanks
2 replies

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CopperCopy 15 years ago

Excellent headline, Chris.

That's got ClickBank e-book written all over it!
- Thanks
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Vanquish

15 years ago

Originally Posted by CopperCopy

Awesome thanks alot for your help, Im gonna work on it tonight gonna have a fresh one for you to rip up by hopefully tomorrow lol

Thanks

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chrisaplin 15 years ago

How about this?

I Used To Never Get Laid, Now I Pull In The Breezies While Playing WOW and Eating MCD's.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Vanquish 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by chrisaplin
  
  How about this?
  
  I Used To Never Get Laid, Now I Pull In The Breezies While Playing WOW and Eating MCD's.
  
  lol looks like i got a new headline
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
  
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Vanquish 15 years ago

I took everyones advice and created a new headline based on the feedback, can you guys tell me what you think please

Learn The Secrets Of Attraction That Will Show You Exactly How To Create Uncontrollable Attraction In Any Women , So Much That She Wants To Have Amazing Sex With You Despite Your Looks, Age and Income.

At last you can find out the exact steps that you need t take to explode your confidence with women and be able to meet, date and attract any women you choose and experience true freedom of choice in your dating life
- Thanks
Signature

Nothing to sell, only value to give and new knowledge to learn.
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