The joys - and heart ache - of adopting....
Posted 8th September 2009 at 08:16 PM by jacktackett
We almost adopted a little girl a few weeks ago. As most know my wife and I adopted our two great little boys and its something we support dearly.
My wife and I struggled through the weekend when the opportunity was presented about the little girl. Our first son was born with VATERs syndrome and required weeks of hospitalization and over 3 years 9 different surgeries. Luckily, despite coding several times - he is a healthy active boy of 8. We were not sure if we could handle another special needs child - as the little girl would be. We knew there was another couple interested so she would go to a good home no matter what, so we passed on the opportunity. While heart broken we knew deep down inside it was the right thing to do.
What did it for me was the nightmare I had that weekend of our baby dieing in my arms. I just couldn't live with that again.
As I said, our first son coded several times and fortunately my wife and I had taken advance first aid several times in our lives - and the fact it happened either in our home, which sits behind the local fire/rescue office in our section of the city, or in the hospital - I know what it feels like to have a baby stop breathing and go limp in your arms while turning purple. I'll never forget the spider web of purple veins spreading across his face as oxygen poor blood circulated through his tiny body.
She will be fine though - I just know it. My wife also sent the following letter to the adoptive parents - to help them through the touch times that are coming - and to let them know things have a way of working themselves out.
Here is my wife's letter to the adoptive parents - and to all adoptive parents everywhere.
love,
--Jack
Dear Adoptive Parents,
I'm an adoptive parent of a special needs boy. We adopted him 8 years ago
at the age of 5 weeks with multiple birth defects. We were told he probably
would not live. If he did live, he would be failure to thrive, always need
a feeding tube, never walk, would need a colostomy bag, would never be able
to use his hands normally, never eat normally by mouth, and most likely have
some mental issues from a brain bleed.
We took him home and held him. He could only eat 15 ccs of formula at a
time because his stomach was so small. We held him and rocked him and
talked to him. We walked him, and loved him, and practiced what we would
tell him about his birth. How Mommy and Daddy were out of the country when
we found out that he was going to be our little boy. How excited we were.
The fact that he was so sick when he was born that he rode in a helicopter
to Duke so the doctors could make him better. How his Poppy, my dad, was so
excited about him that he was going to drive to Duke to pick him up right
then.
Once he was a little older, he started asking questions. Your little girl
will too. Start practicing the answers early so that they come easily and
naturally when they are asked.
The hardest question is, "Didn't my real mother want me?". The answer to
her is, "Yes, your first mother wanted you very much, but she couldn't take
care of you."
In Matthew's case, he wanted to know why she couldn't take care of him. Did
she not want him because he was sick? The answer we give is, "Yes, Heather
wanted you very much. But she knew before you were born that she couldn't
take care of you. So she decided to make an adoption plan, and looked all
over for just the right people to be your forever family. Then when you
were born sick, she knew she would have to look even harder to find the
perfect family for you. She called the adoption agency, and they went over
all the families that wanted babies. Not all of the families would work for
you. They realized that Mommy and Daddy were just the right family for you.
They told Heather about us, and she agreed that we would be the best parents
of all for you. So they called us and asked us if we would be your parents.
We were thrilled and flew right home to get ready for you."
"Does my first mom love me? Does she ever think about me?" You will not
know the answer to all the questions, but this one I think you can answer.
"She is your first mom. I'm sure she loves you and thinks about you often.
Moms do that a lot. I think about you (every minute of every day, or
whatever the correct answer would be here)."
"Is my first mom ok? Where is she?" You probably will not know the answer
to that one. Admit it. Tell her that you don't know. She can keep her
birth mom in her prayers if she likes. Remind her that it is ok to love
her. Matthew didn't know how to ask that one, but was relieved when I told
him that he had plenty of love to go around, and he wouldn't take any away
from me or Daddy by loving someone else too. Love grows the more people you
love.
"Didn't any of the other adoptive families want me?" In Elizabeth's case,
you can tell her that yes, other families wanted her too. We would have
loved to have her as our little girl. The name we had picked out for a
little girl was Mary Elizabeth. But we know our family is not the right one
for her, yours is. Love her, and remind her that there are an awful lot of
people in the world that love her.
There are a few practical things to keep in mind for a special needs child.
Don't be afraid to question the doctor. He works for you, and if you don't
understand something, ask him to put it another way until you do. If you
don't agree, let him know why you don't agree. You know your child better
than anyone. Get second opinions if something doesn't sound right. You are
your child's advocate in the world. Fight for her! Use the resources the
state has in place. Sign up for Early Intervention now. It's a state
program that will provide lots of info, a social worker, and therapists to
work with your child. It may take a while to get to the top of the list.
Matthew didn't crawl on schedule, we set up therapy for him and worked for
hours on getting his arms strong enough to hold him. It was play to him,
rolling on top of a ball and catching himself with his hands, doing a
wheelbarrow walk with us holding his feet. Not only did he begin crawling,
he walked at 9 1/2 months. Never tell her that she can't do something.
Find a way for it to work. Have a therapist show you work arounds. I don't
think Matthew was told for years that he couldn't do a particular task, so
he did them. His first steps were early because he was chasing the dog. He
didn't realize he was walking until he was across the room. Make therapy a
game. Insurance will fight you, particularly if you change policies or
companies. Something will always get billed wrong. Keep after the
insurance companies and Medicaid to straighten out their own mess. Do not
panic if you get billed erroneously. Three years after one of Matthew's
hospitalizations, we received a revised bill for $24,000. They had billed
the wrong company, the wrong company paid it, and took it back 3 years
later. The company that was supposed to be billed had already erased all
records of our policy and had to get them back from a tape backup. Keep a
copy of all medical bills and policy cards. Keep the names and phone
numbers of every medical and billing person you talk to. I kept a running
log of medications, procedures and results on the computer and ran a copy
off to carry in the diaper bag. It helps.
Most important of all, hold her. Matthew was held 18-20 hours a day for the
first 4 months. In that time, he gained more weight and grew more than the
doctor's thought possible. My dad moved in with us and was the designated
baby holder. We took shifts and held him and talked to him. Nonsense
stuff. My mother talked politics with him in a pleasant, sing songy voice.
It kept him calm, happy and he knew that there was always someone there for
him. And he grew.
Just love her. Everything will work out the way it is meant to work out.
We passionately support adoptions, either through the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption or via the A Child's Hope agency here in Raleigh NC or any other means.
This is why the second annual Warrior Forum meetup is benefiting the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. You can find out more about the seminar in our thread here:
http://www.warriorforum.com/local-me...9-edition.html
My wife and I struggled through the weekend when the opportunity was presented about the little girl. Our first son was born with VATERs syndrome and required weeks of hospitalization and over 3 years 9 different surgeries. Luckily, despite coding several times - he is a healthy active boy of 8. We were not sure if we could handle another special needs child - as the little girl would be. We knew there was another couple interested so she would go to a good home no matter what, so we passed on the opportunity. While heart broken we knew deep down inside it was the right thing to do.
What did it for me was the nightmare I had that weekend of our baby dieing in my arms. I just couldn't live with that again.
As I said, our first son coded several times and fortunately my wife and I had taken advance first aid several times in our lives - and the fact it happened either in our home, which sits behind the local fire/rescue office in our section of the city, or in the hospital - I know what it feels like to have a baby stop breathing and go limp in your arms while turning purple. I'll never forget the spider web of purple veins spreading across his face as oxygen poor blood circulated through his tiny body.
She will be fine though - I just know it. My wife also sent the following letter to the adoptive parents - to help them through the touch times that are coming - and to let them know things have a way of working themselves out.
Here is my wife's letter to the adoptive parents - and to all adoptive parents everywhere.
love,
--Jack
Dear Adoptive Parents,
I'm an adoptive parent of a special needs boy. We adopted him 8 years ago
at the age of 5 weeks with multiple birth defects. We were told he probably
would not live. If he did live, he would be failure to thrive, always need
a feeding tube, never walk, would need a colostomy bag, would never be able
to use his hands normally, never eat normally by mouth, and most likely have
some mental issues from a brain bleed.
We took him home and held him. He could only eat 15 ccs of formula at a
time because his stomach was so small. We held him and rocked him and
talked to him. We walked him, and loved him, and practiced what we would
tell him about his birth. How Mommy and Daddy were out of the country when
we found out that he was going to be our little boy. How excited we were.
The fact that he was so sick when he was born that he rode in a helicopter
to Duke so the doctors could make him better. How his Poppy, my dad, was so
excited about him that he was going to drive to Duke to pick him up right
then.
Once he was a little older, he started asking questions. Your little girl
will too. Start practicing the answers early so that they come easily and
naturally when they are asked.
The hardest question is, "Didn't my real mother want me?". The answer to
her is, "Yes, your first mother wanted you very much, but she couldn't take
care of you."
In Matthew's case, he wanted to know why she couldn't take care of him. Did
she not want him because he was sick? The answer we give is, "Yes, Heather
wanted you very much. But she knew before you were born that she couldn't
take care of you. So she decided to make an adoption plan, and looked all
over for just the right people to be your forever family. Then when you
were born sick, she knew she would have to look even harder to find the
perfect family for you. She called the adoption agency, and they went over
all the families that wanted babies. Not all of the families would work for
you. They realized that Mommy and Daddy were just the right family for you.
They told Heather about us, and she agreed that we would be the best parents
of all for you. So they called us and asked us if we would be your parents.
We were thrilled and flew right home to get ready for you."
"Does my first mom love me? Does she ever think about me?" You will not
know the answer to all the questions, but this one I think you can answer.
"She is your first mom. I'm sure she loves you and thinks about you often.
Moms do that a lot. I think about you (every minute of every day, or
whatever the correct answer would be here)."
"Is my first mom ok? Where is she?" You probably will not know the answer
to that one. Admit it. Tell her that you don't know. She can keep her
birth mom in her prayers if she likes. Remind her that it is ok to love
her. Matthew didn't know how to ask that one, but was relieved when I told
him that he had plenty of love to go around, and he wouldn't take any away
from me or Daddy by loving someone else too. Love grows the more people you
love.
"Didn't any of the other adoptive families want me?" In Elizabeth's case,
you can tell her that yes, other families wanted her too. We would have
loved to have her as our little girl. The name we had picked out for a
little girl was Mary Elizabeth. But we know our family is not the right one
for her, yours is. Love her, and remind her that there are an awful lot of
people in the world that love her.
There are a few practical things to keep in mind for a special needs child.
Don't be afraid to question the doctor. He works for you, and if you don't
understand something, ask him to put it another way until you do. If you
don't agree, let him know why you don't agree. You know your child better
than anyone. Get second opinions if something doesn't sound right. You are
your child's advocate in the world. Fight for her! Use the resources the
state has in place. Sign up for Early Intervention now. It's a state
program that will provide lots of info, a social worker, and therapists to
work with your child. It may take a while to get to the top of the list.
Matthew didn't crawl on schedule, we set up therapy for him and worked for
hours on getting his arms strong enough to hold him. It was play to him,
rolling on top of a ball and catching himself with his hands, doing a
wheelbarrow walk with us holding his feet. Not only did he begin crawling,
he walked at 9 1/2 months. Never tell her that she can't do something.
Find a way for it to work. Have a therapist show you work arounds. I don't
think Matthew was told for years that he couldn't do a particular task, so
he did them. His first steps were early because he was chasing the dog. He
didn't realize he was walking until he was across the room. Make therapy a
game. Insurance will fight you, particularly if you change policies or
companies. Something will always get billed wrong. Keep after the
insurance companies and Medicaid to straighten out their own mess. Do not
panic if you get billed erroneously. Three years after one of Matthew's
hospitalizations, we received a revised bill for $24,000. They had billed
the wrong company, the wrong company paid it, and took it back 3 years
later. The company that was supposed to be billed had already erased all
records of our policy and had to get them back from a tape backup. Keep a
copy of all medical bills and policy cards. Keep the names and phone
numbers of every medical and billing person you talk to. I kept a running
log of medications, procedures and results on the computer and ran a copy
off to carry in the diaper bag. It helps.
Most important of all, hold her. Matthew was held 18-20 hours a day for the
first 4 months. In that time, he gained more weight and grew more than the
doctor's thought possible. My dad moved in with us and was the designated
baby holder. We took shifts and held him and talked to him. Nonsense
stuff. My mother talked politics with him in a pleasant, sing songy voice.
It kept him calm, happy and he knew that there was always someone there for
him. And he grew.
Just love her. Everything will work out the way it is meant to work out.
We passionately support adoptions, either through the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption or via the A Child's Hope agency here in Raleigh NC or any other means.
This is why the second annual Warrior Forum meetup is benefiting the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. You can find out more about the seminar in our thread here:
http://www.warriorforum.com/local-me...9-edition.html
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