Copy written by a pro, but the squeeze page not converting

19 replies
  • CRO
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Hi!

As the title says, I had a copywriter (from WF) write a squeeze page.
Traffic comes from FB. The ads are relevant (the titles say "Weight loss for moms"). The images are relevant too. Targeting - relevant (females with kids)
Here's the page that's not converting.
--removed old link--

Any advice on what to test/improve?

Thanks!

Alex
#converting #copy #page #pro #squeeze #written
  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Before you even consider the words on the page the FORMAT needs some
    attention. The gray text needs to be made black and you need some more
    white space--the text is too compact. It doesn't say "read me!"

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
    Thanks Ray!
    Will do.
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  • Profile picture of the author mag2906
    Too much text. Opt-in form below the fold. If I was wanting to lose weight mom, I would exit before even scrolling to the bottom.
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    $10,000 a month in 90 days? [Free, step by step training by IM industry leaders]
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr Bill
    I agree with Ray, grey text should be banned on all serious web pages. As soon as I see grey text I click away unless something else grabs my attention really fast and hard. It also needs more white space as Ray said and as Mag said the form needs to be higher. The question at the top is awkwardly written (a "pro" wrote that? - hard to believe, I hope you didn't pay too much) and needs to be shorter and simpler.

    People in the weight loss mood have heard it all. You need to provide something new, something fresh and not just the same old yawn as everyone else who's trying to crack into this atomically competitive market is using. Go and do some more research and use the tactics that get your attention.
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    • Profile picture of the author savidge4
      There is really a simple formula to getting results on squeeze pages.

      Header

      Bullet points to the left

      Opt in to the right

      Follow up text below

      I tend to go a step further and on the bottom have a button that says get access now, and up pops another optin form.

      I have to be honest and say that I do not play in the weight loss niche at all. I do however play around in other female demographically pointed subjects. I really think that Female directed pages need a bit more..

      Take Pinterest as an example. down to its core what is it? Aside from everything else its just a bunch of images. endless pages of images. Gap.com Maidenform.com Walmart.com womansday.com images images images

      There is actually a pattern if you really start looking... Image 6 words or less, image 6 words or less, image 6 words or less

      as a contrast go to ESPN.com Sure there are images there is text, but less text...( Image 4 words, Image 4 words ) But there is another factor played out here. Headlines with NO images ( top right, and bottom left, just headlines. ) If you go back and look at the female targeted pages... there are no product OR article based text links only anywhere.

      SO it becomes safe to say that Females are more IMAGE driven. They take in information VISUALLY.

      You could have the best written text in the world, regardless of the color and without the visual, the page will fail.
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      Success is an ACT not an idea
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  • Profile picture of the author celente
    Not the best copywriting there. OUCH.

    You need to try different colors, and your headlines needs 2-3 benefits, that will cause curiosity.

    Get inside the head of your prospect, what drives them, what do they go to bed thinking about?

    Use that to drive powerful forces and magnetism in you day to day business.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
    Thank you guys! This week I'll be working on creating page variations based on your suggestions.
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    The copy is a bit confusing... the hook is just "one thing," but then there's bullets for a bunch of things.

    I bet you'd boost conversion by simply deleting everything below the main headline (except the opt-in box, of course).

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
    Hi again guys!

    Here's what I came up with yesterday.
    --removed old link--
    I know, the bullets (and the headline) need more work. I'll be testing more as I come up with them.
    At the moment, I'm looking for more pointers/comments/advice.

    Thanks!
    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author savidge4
      "Hi Girl"? here is something you can do. go find a busy coffee shop or the like Panera bread or something. and show your page to women. and ask them what they think?

      "Hi Girl" will get blasted, I can tell you right now. Getting out and asking people in your target audience to look over your page is actually a good way to get a feel for what's needed, AND you get more feedback than a percentage that do and don't sign up ( cuz that really is only telling you yeah it works, or no it doesn't )

      Originally Posted by Alex Frei View Post

      Hi again guys!

      Here's what I came up with yesterday.
      Weight Loss For a Busy Mom 4 — 111 Words
      I know, the bullets (and the headline) need more work. I'll be testing more as I come up with them.
      At the moment, I'm looking for more pointers/comments/advice.

      Thanks!
      Alex
      Signature
      Success is an ACT not an idea
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      • Profile picture of the author ewikk055
        i prefer 'ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl - can I have yo emaaiiil?'
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        Can we sell these? hollar.

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      • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
        Originally Posted by savidge4 View Post

        "Hi Girl"? here is something you can do. go find a busy coffee shop or the like Panera bread or something. and show your page to women. and ask them what they think?

        "Hi Girl" will get blasted, I can tell you right now. Getting out and asking people in your target audience to look over your page is actually a good way to get a feel for what's needed, AND you get more feedback than a percentage that do and don't sign up ( cuz that really is only telling you yeah it works, or no it doesn't )
        Thanks! I will test with and without "girl"
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  • Profile picture of the author ivantk
    I am just wondering if they want their husband to go after their body and keep his hands on You might test this as well...
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
    haha. Good one earlcash!
    I'll talk to my female friends. Ask them what they'd want in life. I just hope it's going to be something universally female, and not just a Japanese thing...
    On the other hand, your wife might not be the target audience. which raises questions if my targeting is too wide...
    That's some food for thought! Thanks

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author josephwilson86
    Delete the bit about exercising for 20 minutes. Fat girls don't want to exercise, that's why they're fat.

    Maybe delete the dieting sutff as well. fat girls don't want to follow a diet, that's why they're fat. save that part for the sales video after all the testimonials, before and after pics etc...

    if you're determined to mention diet and exercise at least call it easy or say something about not breaking a sweat or bouncing around. fat girls hate sweating and bouncing around. something about still being able to eat junk food, or not having to cut junk food out. they literally fear the idea of not eating junk food. they're terrified of it. kind of how I feel about not drinking beer lol...

    Make the background include a pic of a girl with a hot body but no face. Maybe on a beach or laying in a chair poolside, relaxing.

    Not being a woman I don't really know, but having been raised by a single mom I would guess that they want to relax and have some along time more than to be groped by their husband. Maybe reading a magazine poolside with a drink on the table next to her. Of course with a tan, perky boobies, and a flat tummy.

    maybe test out "(that'll make his friends jealous!)" or "(that'll make the other moms jealous!)", "(show them you can do it)" or "(prove them all wrong)" something like that. that might be more appealing than being groped by their husband. fat girls want to get in shape and shove it in everyone elses face that they're not fat anymore. they imagine that people are talking about them behind their backs, leaving them out of things etc... and they want revenge.

    What are they registering for? That doesn't sound like much fun, people register to vote, register the kids for school, get registered to run a 5k etc... Switch it to 'show me now' or 'show me the secret' something like that.

    fat women want to believe it's not their fault, so come up with some copy giving them an excuse. '5 biggest lies from the fitness industry that are keeping you fat', or just find some way to work the phrase 'its not your fault' in there somewhere in bold or underlined. "5 things you can't control that are keeping you fat, and the 5 things you can do to get thin anyways!" give them an out, a way to avoid accepting responsibility for being fat.

    Sell them on what they really honestly want, even if you're only telling half the story. The point of your ad and lp are to get them to a sales page or video, not to sell the product, so just say stuff that will get them there.

    I was proomoting a weight loss product for a while (but the affiliate network was a pita, still have half a mind to rip it off and put my own version on clickbank or jvzoo...) and all I did was run an ad on fb (7search worked as well) that was the same as the lp with a pic of a flat tummy in a pair of jeans with a tape measure around it. "Free report reveals: how to lose 10 pounds in 14 days(or less)" same thing on the lp but it was a branded lp. 'put in your email and click "give me my report!" for immediate access'. I forget the conversion rate but it was profitable without any rebills or back end upsells.
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  • Profile picture of the author concerro
    Originally Posted by Alex Frei View Post

    Hi!

    As the title says, I had a copywriter (from WF) write a squeeze page.
    Traffic comes from FB. The ads are relevant (the titles say "Weight loss for moms"). The images are relevant too. Targeting - relevant (females with kids)
    Here's the page that's not converting.
    Weight Loss For a Busy Mom 2 — 111 Words

    Any advice on what to test/improve?

    Thanks!

    Alex
    The area in gray does not stand out, and the black large letters have too many words. Get your point across with fewer words, and people will be more likely to sign up.

    It also says "one thing", but an entire list follows. If you really have a lot of advice to give, then don't say "one thing". People may feel like you are not accurate or being misleading. Neither is good for online marketing. That is just what I got from looking over it at a glance. Others may have more tips.
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    • Profile picture of the author henrik3912
      I agree with a lot of the other comments in this thread that you need to work on your copy. And I think the one thing that you're really missing is a deeper understanding of your audience.

      E.g.

      Who are they? Moms come in many flavors. What characteristics do the moms have that you want to attract?

      What's on their mind? Make sure that with the audience you pick weight loss is really at the top of their mind. Otherwise they might think it's interesting, but they'll not spend any money on it.

      What are their dreams? Is it really "a bikini butt and beach-ready body that your husband can't keep his hands off"?

      I think you need to dig deeper into your audience, so that you get to know their dreams, pains, likes, dislikes, etc. This will help you write copy that really appeals to the moms.

      I went into a bit more detail about audiences on my blog: henrikjorgensen.net | 7 Reasons Why You Can’t Sell to Your Audience
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  • Profile picture of the author mellymags
    Hi, I'm late to the game here. Based on the original link, I agree with all the comments on the copy. I also think that the black text on yellow background immediately reminds me of a "Caution" sign or crime scene tape. I know there's data out there somewhere on the best colors for Calls to Action, I'll look it up.

    The report has some interesting information, but since it's written by a woman, and targeted to women, it needs to have photos of women instead of men.

    Also, maybe just embed the video instead of linking out to it? And the link the nih.gov site, take that out and just site the article. "Links are leaks" I read somewhere? Don't send your buyers into a rabbit hole.

    Those are my first glance observations.

    ~ Melissa
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