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Yet Another Rewrite - Whatdya Reckon?

by keystothemind
5 replies
In between trying to force myself to study for my upcoming final exams, my mnd keeps turning back to this sales copy.

The thing is, I know I have a brilliant product here, but it just aint selling!

The other day I just sat down, and started writing.
It was about 2 or 3 hours of constant work, just editing what I already had.
A little later I came back and did the same thing again.

I took a lot of the advice from the last time I asked for help here, and made heaps of changes.

I've reviewed, revised and rewritten the rewrite many times over, and although I think it's better, it is still clearly lacking.

I used lots of real testimonials for authority (needed especially because, as has been pointed out, I look pretty young in the videos used ((which I will rerecord when I get my camera back)) and focused a lot on building empathy with the subject.

Any suggestions, advice, first impressions and criticism that will help me improve this letter and my skill as a copywriter in general will be hugely appreciated.

The product is at www.hypnosis-training.com

Thank you for your help.
Cheers!
Nathan.

PS
Of course, if you want a free copy of the course in exchange for your help, just send me a PM.
#reckon #rewrite #whatdya
  • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
    Dude the copywriters are going to let you know it's not optimum but I'm on an encouragement 101 posting barrage right now and from my point of view.. when I was interested in hypnosis and if it had been before I bought Derren Browns tricks of the minds book.. and a few others...

    I would have opted in and probably purchased as long as your follow up was hard selling. You've also mentioned this is a rewrite and I think it should be your last and instead now concentrate on the pages sales funnel.

    In all just go for it and add me on Skype.. I wanna show you something that might interest you and give you an idea on how to sell it like hotcakes even without super copy.

    Good Luck Dude,

    And Well Done For Taking Action!

    Mark

    ETA: Although There Is Too Much I Instead Of Them In The Copy.
    Signature
    SEO, copywriting and backlinks service UK
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  • Profile picture of the author keystothemind
    Blimey can't believe I missed the typo IN THE HEADLINE!
    It has been fixed, and the whole 'word's youngest' thing taken out.

    The USP i think is the program installs the skills, attitudes and abilities (ie confidence, creativity etc) of a decent hypnotist in the minds of the listeners, (as well as the techniques), rather than just teaching scripts and tired old methods like some of the competitors I have studied.

    Thanks Alexa and Paul!
    Mark, I'm not quite sure I get what you mean, but i'll add you on skype and ask you more there.

    If I remove the negatives (this course will not... etc) from below the header, what else do you think I should put in it's place, or should we just go straight to the 'dear friend'?

    Cheers, and any more suggestions greatly appreciated!
    Nathan.

    PS
    Your taking the time to help me out here really is appreciated, so thank you!
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    You need to rethink the fonts you're using.

    If you can't read a sales letter because of the fonts, would you bother trying?

    Also, the layout looks like it's all over the place.

    Why don't you check out some successful sales pages and copy the fonts, payout, etc.?
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