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How Hot and Sexy are these Headlines?

by FranciscoDancon
10 replies
Hi Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm just beginning my journey of learning copywriting, and I'm working on my very first sales letter. I must say, I'm really enjoying this and I fully intend to learn this art/science and become a skilled copywriter. So, these headlines are all potential headlines I have thought up for a Jewelry set. To put them in perspective, the people reading this sales letter will have opted-in to receive a free necklace and will be presented with this very special one time offer to purchase a complete 18KT Gold Plated Jewelry Set for an "amazing price."

So here are some of my top candidate headlines that I'm working on. If any of you would be so kind as to chime in with your thoughts or suggestions I would be forever grateful!

Here they are:
"Wait! Don't Miss Out On This Exclusive One-Time Offer To Claim A Stunning Jewelry Set For Pennies On The Dollar!"

But You Have To Act Now....Because In 30 Minutes This Offer Will Be Gone Forever.....


"Wait! Don't Miss Your Opportunity To Get Your Hands On A $495 Jewelry Set For Pennies On The Wholesale Dollar....."

This Exclusive Offer Is Available Only To You and Only For The Next 30 Minutes!

"Deal Of The Decade: Fabulous Designer Jewelry Set for 95% Off!

But Hurry....Because in 30 Minutes We're Closing This Offer and You'll Never Be able To Get Your Hands On This Amazing Jewelry Set Ever Again!

I've Lost My Mind! 18 KT Gold Jewelry For 95% Off?

But I Can't Do This All Day! In Fact, The Price Is So Low That It Will Only Be Available For The Next 30 Minutes!

How To Get Your Hands On The Booty From A Jewelry Heist Carried Out By The Mexican Mafia....LEGALLY!

Watch The Video Below And Find Out How We Can Offer Such INSANELY Low Prices!

Beauty, Elegance and Respect Have Never Been This Affordable"

This Offer Is Available For 30 Minutes Only And Then It Will Disappear FOREVER!

Mafia Jewelry Heist Leads To Greatest Jewelry Bargain In History



So, ladies and genetlemen, these are the headlines I've thus far developed. I'm still working on it, and my goal is to get it narrowed down to 3 or 4 good ones that I can test initially and then apply the proven formula for direct marketing success: test, test and test again!

So if you have any thoughts about these headlines, what is good about them and why, what is bad about them and why, or anything at all, I am going to make you a crazy amazing offer: for a limited time....available only to warriors...I'll give you 1,000,000 Karma Points. Yes, that's right: ONE MILLION KARMA POINTS just for contributing valuable information to that thread. But hurry, this is a limited time offer, and once the Universe runs out of Karma you'll be out of luck. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!
#headlines #hot #sexy
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Francisco,

    There's some I like... some I don't.

    BUT... who is your market for this?

    What kind of list are you selling to?

    That's important if you want decent feedback.

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author FranciscoDancon
      The list will be women 25-45 years old who opted in to receive a free necklace. They'll get this one time offer right before they input their address to receive their necklace for free.

      I hope that answers your question. Thanks for asking :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    How are they seeing the initial offer? Are there any other demographics you know about (ie. jobs, income).

    -Daniel
    Signature

    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author FranciscoDancon
      They will be seeing the initial offer as a facebook advertisement or via a post card. I'm not sure which I will do yet.

      If I do the facebook advert, I will target it to women 25-45 and try to narrow it down from there if possible. If it is a postcard, it will be women who have purchased something from an infomercial in the last month. They will get a postcard advertising a free necklace if they go to my website and sign up.
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
        Where's the romance? Give me romance!

        There's no inference to how powerful and sexy she'll feel wearing this...

        No wink to how the minions will gawk at her like an Egyptian queen.

        No visual homage to the male to female "gaze" that sells so much jewelry and perfume in brand ads.

        --- Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
    They're not hot and sexy.

    One or two are good headlines but if you purposefully want your headlines to be 'hot and sexy'... you'll have to do better than the ones presented.

    With a little bit of tweaking, you'll get there.
    Signature
    --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
    http://www.IMCopywriting.com
    Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      They sound too good to be true...

      ...which is what your prospect will probably opt to believe.

      You'd be better to get their opt-in for your list... and then build a relationship with them via auto responders so when you offer them a 'deal' they will believe it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    I'm finding myself a little compelled by the Mafia angle headlines, but I think that's probably a lot more of a "man" headline.

    I agree with Ross that it might be worth reconceiving if your target demo is mostly thirty-something women.
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Not.

      The offer is vague and your scarcity ploy unbelievable, especially considering your proposed traffic sources.

      There's absolutely no reason for me to believe that this offer - coming from an offline, "static" source - is only available for the next 30 minutes. It may work for an TV infomercial, but not for a postcard.

      Additionally, "jewelry set" gives me no picture of what you're offering. That could be any combination of items, which may, or may not, be valued at $495.

      Go watch Home Shopping Network. They don't say, "Here's a stunning jewelry set valued at $495, for just pennies on the dollar."

      They lead off with something like, "Here's a set of stunning 18k gold plated jewelry, handcrafted by Italian artisans from the tiny medieval town of Maremma."

      Then they show and tell.

      Then they get to the price and the incredible bargain.

      Then they point out that the clock is ticking.

      It's a proven formula that works. Go thou and do likewise.
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  • Profile picture of the author FranciscoDancon
    So overall what I am gather from the responses is that people think it would be best to begin by talking about the product itself, rather than the price. This is in line with what I have read in copy writing books, and I should have done that to begin with. Thank you for pointing this out and keeping me on track. I guess I am so used to seeing sales letters mention money that I automatically wanted to do just that....I will work some more and post some additional headlines keeping in mind the good advice that I received here. Thank you guys so much for your help!
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