Check this out it may help.

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ight=headlines

No man... it's not good. I'm sorry, it's just not.

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You are getting the hype part good - but does over-the-top
hype match the issues your target market is facing?

I doubt it does.

I don't know your product but I bet I know your customer -
over 40, tentative with computers, needing re-assurance,
concerned (probably excessively) about spam, hacking,
phishing scams, identity theft, and so forth.

So let's look there, ok?

If you were in the 40-80 age group, interested in computers
but pretty much clueless about security issues but wanting
to try (for example) "this make money online stuff" you
would be looking for a system to make sure your computer
is set up so it will do what you need as you explore new
areas with it.

You don't want hype. You want certainty. You want
reassurance.

You need to empathize with your target buyer. Even though
a portion of your buyers may be your age and share your
values (maybe wanting blinding-fast speed to play video
games) I bet the sweet-spot is the older customers...
and they are very much worth marketing to, but demand you
understand their concerns.

Nobody's target market is everyone. Perhaps your product
will benefit everyone who uses it, but your sales message
should be tailored to a specific demographic. Younger
buyers might buy from the hype but their major interest
is likely to be SPEED and performance.

Older buyers are more likely to be concerned with safety.
You can put both those appeals in your letter, but when
you split those two groups (and there will be others too)
it becomes clear that the same ad won't appeal to both
equally well. It's clear to me anyway.

Anyway - this headline you've got is what I call a
"kitchen sink headline" - meaning the writer tries to
throw in everything but the kitchen sink to get your
attention. Different sorts of headlines work in
different situations. Were you running a newspaper
space ad boldly promising:

"COMPUTER SAFETY"

Might be good. It's a meme - a compact packet of
information which has instantly comprehended meaning,
ie. "Lose Weight Fast".

For a WSO, or Craigslist ad however you will want to
approach your headline (a "click-me" line actually,
which is a little different in most cases). according
to the level of awareness of the problem your product
solves in the readership.

How about ...



Then you can use your present headline as the subhead.

-Ray Edwards

"Discover How You Can Easily DOUBLE Your PC's Performance Even With No Previous Experience"
Exchange double with "explode" or other words if you feel uncomfortable with "double" in your headline.

Don't make this harder than it has to be...

I would recommend you follow Ray's lead and keep it direct and simple.


Did you know that there are 3 things almost every PC user does that virtually GUARANTEE computer headeaches?

Did YOU make these same mistakes on your PC?

...

Develop your backstory a little...

Become the burned out PC super performance technician that is sick and tired of working on computers. His way out is to get people to take his system and do it themselves instead of coming to him.

Use visual imagery in your words and phrases, like: "Straight Off The Workbench..."

Paint a mental picture of you at your computer workbench, tools and hard drives whirring, tweaking PC's into the wee hours of the night.

You spend nearly every waking hour on your computer repair workbench making PC perform with blazing speed and rock-solid reliability.

To save time, you've developed a system.. a secret method of doing it over and over again that works like a champ!

The thing is, you're sick and tired of wasting your life away working on computers. So you decided to put together a simple, step-by-step plan that people can use to do everything themselves that YOU would charge them big bucks to do.

There's no reason to suffer with poor performance when your method is fool-proof and works every time... guaranteed!

Everyone comes to you because they have the same old PC headaches:

They have viruses or spyware
Their computer is running slow and sluggish all of a sudden
Their PC keeps crashing or locking up.
Their hard drives crash losing precious family photos and memories
Etc.

You spent months putting this system together in your spare time. Every time you'd have to work on a computer issue, you'd carefully document what the problem was and how to fix it.

You condensed all of that down into the simples, easiest steps that even a total technophobe will find easy to do themselves, with no help.

It's like a roadmap to follow for permanent trouble-free PC performance.

There ya go...

Brian

Nice post Brian...

That post in itself is enough of an argument
to bring back the old "Buy Me A Beer" button...

You certainly earned a tall frosty one dude...

-David Raybould

yup story based sales pages are hot! People love listening to stories...brian's got a great approach there....

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