Dead Funny

As the forum is "as quiet as a morgue" lately, here's some dead funny humour to keep in theme.

Enjoy . . .

There was a long, long line of spirits waiting at the gate to get into heaven. Not all of these spirits could fit into heaven, so it was decided that the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story. "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush, so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought, ''Please God spare my life'', and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy then threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."

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A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told: "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat. You could have sent a message saying: 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof', and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read: "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him."Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterwards the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Upon seeing the suitcase St. Peter says: "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying: "You're right, you are allowed one bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims: "You brought pavement?!!!"

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A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says: "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says: "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says: "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said: "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs, and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."

God says: "Say no more," and instantly each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks: "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says: "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

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A priest died and went to heaven. There, he is greeted by a reception committee. After having a whirlwind tour of heaven he is told he can enjoy any of heaven's available recreations.

The priest decided he wanted to read all of the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures to understand their true literary meaning. So he first learned all the languages necessary to accomplish this: Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek and Latin. After becoming a linguistic master, he went to the heavenly Temple of Knowledge and began to scrutinize the original Biblical texts.

All of a sudden, the priest could be heard crying out loud in the Temple. Angels quickly came to help him, only to find the priest huddled in a corner, crying and muttering to himself: "An 'R'! They left out an 'R'."

One of the angels comforted the priest and asked him what the problem was. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again: "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"