What Do You Do With People You Love Who Are Intent On Killing Themselves?

Begin by learning to 100% accept the fact YOU do not have the power to change another person....

Steven, we were blessed with free will, the ability to decide for ourselves to do good or to do evil, to others as well as to ourselves.

As already stated, we don't have the power to change others, only they can do the changing, but we can 'help' them move toward making those changes by letting them know, suggesting, asking, pleading, begging for them to change.

But ultimately, only they can make the change, and if they choose not to, all we can do is live with the consequences of their actions.

And if you beg and plead enough, you'll just piss them off and they won't want to have anything to do with you, they already know what you'll say because you've already said it more than a few times, eh?

The time will come, maybe this year, maybe twenty or thirty years from now, when they begin to realize the damage they are doing to themselves and then they may decide to change. Or maybe not change. It depends upon the person, and it's their decision, not yours.

Sometimes we are selfish without realizing it.

All we can do is know that it's not our fault for them doing what they do, and continue to love them even though they don't live they way we would desire they do.

It is hard to watch someone you love self destruct. I know in my situation I kept thinking and saying I CAN FIX HER. The more I pushed her to clean up or take care of herself the more she would push away from me.
Acceptance is the only way to begin YOUR HEALING.
Yes, you need the healing. It hurts to feel so powerless, it hurts worse to realize they do not only not care about themselves, but your feelings as well. No matter how bad it makes you feel, you have to accept it the way it truly is.

Letting go is the most important aspect of any hardship in life. To let go does not mean you do not care, it means you realize there is nothing more you can do.

I know how bad your heart hurts, just know that you do not fail your loved one. They fail themselves, and no matter how badly they make you feel, they can not find the light within themselves. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It is not personal. Their heart is broken, so stay compassionate towards them without letting them bring you down.

Because deep down inside of them, away from the pain is the true person, the one whom you love desperately.

Love yourself for being strong enough to love someone that does not love themselves, because it truly is the hardest relationship even created here on earth.

Eventually - you stop loving them.

Steven - Read up on 'AlaNon' - it is especially for people who have to live with addicted people. One thing I do know is two of their philosophies: "Give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change' and something like 'I can't change anyone else, all I can do is change how I deal with it'...

I have had a number of addicts in my life (alcohol and drugs) and I truly believe only in "tough love" - you can't let them bring you down either literally or figuratively. You can't change them. So you need to get out of their sphere if you can or remove them from yours (literally or at least psychologically) if you can't.

Some people are on a death trip. When you say "And to continue to do them is not going to add years to your life". Did it ever occur to you that they don't care and in fact just want to get it over with? I know this is true because I have been there, as stupid as it may sound...

'Don't judge someone unless you walk in their shoes' - meaning you can't feel their pain - when people "self-medicate" they may not even know what hurts, or know how to fix it - or what may have created the void they are trying to fill...

All you can do is pray for them sometimes...

Tell em you care, show em you care, keep loving em. Talk to them about it and then it's their decision to make. That's all you can do. Some people resort to addictions because they feel nobody cares, etc.

This is why you and most people have a problem with someone deciding to handle their own life.

You're mad because of how it inconviences you. Most people get p'od of the same things.

Why does this person want to end their life?

If its something like a perception of the world, things are bleak and not looking better, thats something you can help with maybe.

If its something like they are in terrible pain or have a terminal illness...well who are you to tell them they must live in pain or with the ever looming probability of tubes and needles until their last breath so that you wont be inconvienced?

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I really am Steve.
The sad part is there really isn't anything you can do or say that will make any difference until this person is ready to change.

My advice is to find someone to talk to. There any many support groups available. This is one way people cope in this situation or when it gets too painful you may need to distance yourself from them to maintain your sanity.

You're entitled to your opinion, but that doesnt mean they have to care or want to hear it or even give it merit.

You're talking about someone's life and how they live it, not what shirt they are wearing to dinner.

think to yourself how you would feel if they, or anyone else said, that they dont think what you do for a job for instance is legitimate. anyone with a legitimate job works in an office, in a clubicle, 9-5.

Now after you read that, take a good stock on the level of 'I don't give a s**t what you think' that is in your body right now...and thats just over how you make your money.

Multiply that by about 100 and i'd say thats about where someone is when you're talking about their life.

Steven, it is ok to be angry, and think of the selfishness of this other person. It is part of the process... BUT you also have to accept. I promise you, once you accept, you will find a bit more peace in the situation.

You can hold that anger, or the ideas of their selfishness, but all it is really doing is keeping you somewhat protected to how they are making you really feel.

You are basically saying... "Well I don't care because I know you are selfish, and I am a better person than you because I would NEVER do what you do".

It is a fight or flight response. I promise you, I know.. My mother is a drug addict, when I speak of drug addict I mean, she shoots drugs into her arm, sells them and may end up in jail for 15 yrs do to being caught with intention to sell.

NOW... My sister also perished due to her lack of concern for others. Literally my 18 year old sister died because of how self absorbed my mother is.

So Yeah I was PISSED.. LIVID.. and thought, "I am better than you! You are selfish and self absorbed, but it really was only me saying"... "You hurt me! So now I am going to judge you with everything I have to make me feel a bit better, to help me regain some control".

Accept hun, I know it hurts, but you deserve to let go of that nastiness. Do it for yourself and find some peace.

IMHO

Instead of trying to get them to stop their destructive behavior you might think about what else they could be doing with their time instead.

If they find something else that gives them more intense stimulating joy, they might find that they WANT to spend all their free time doing that instead of hammering their brain neurons with junk.

You job should you choose to accept it Mr Phel... I mean Steven, it to find that activity that will give them a reason to stay up late and get up early, other wise they would miss that intense joy, those glorious wonderful feelings of joy THAT activity gives them.

I can't suggest what, for that is your job now.
Easy, maybe, maybe not.

I've seen volunteers in a hospital who found that their calling. They didn't want to leave to go home they enjoyed so much, giving service to others.

Maybe sports activity,article writing, singing, guitar?

Seems you have tried to rationalize with them their harmful ways so, do some thing different, ANYTHING different.

The task to find their "Jones" might command a lot of extra time from you to research this.

We all, I feel, have a core "reason for existing", help them find that and they just drop the junk immediately.

You might not be the guy for the job. Unless they are harming you keep at it.
Keep trying to help. For some Alanon but not everyone.

You care for them so, try not to be angry as it rarely makes it better.
You may be their last hope so, never give up on them.

You're a smart guy so, consider what goals they might have had in the past but gave up on. Might be something there to work with.

I read some research that showed promise using mega doses of B vitamins (under a physicians care) helped in a good percent of the study to eliminate alcohol addiction.

Good luck Steven.

John

Hi, Steven,

You are cursed with what I call a surfeit of caring and a deficit of laissez-faire.

I have been around the terminally ill for much of my life and the really startling thing is that very few of them were in that position because of what they did to themselves.

It is fashionable to say that you shouldn't smoke because of all the disease and filth it causes but one of the remarkable things about lung cancer, for example, is that people who smoke are not significantly more susceptible to the disease when you talk about absolute numbers. As an example, my wife smokes at least 40 cigarettes a day and yet she has no problems with her lungs at all - what she does have is a drive to smoke that she cannot control because of the addiction that she has which was an almost instantaneous result of her first few cigarettes. I would also point out that she started smoking when it was fashionable and advertised for its 'health promoting' qualities.

If someone is addicted to a lifestyle of which you disaprove or which you think is not something you can contend with, the only person you can help is yourself by removing yourself from that person's circle of influence.

To fear losing someone because of what they do to themselves is not a very logical reaction. I don't see that you are suggesting that these bad habits started AFTER you first became acquainted with them so you should have had every opportunity to recognise that their habits are a part of them and if they stopped, they might become a stranger. I know many ex-smokers who have had such major personality changes as a result of clearing their systems of nicotine and the other noxious substances that they are mere shadows of their former selves.

This may not be the answer you were hoping for but you say that you love these people - so LOVE them!

Steven I could hear your pain wow. I now do understand a bit better. All I can say is keep your heart strong, and the people that are suffering will be better off having you in their lives.

I wish you the best Steven.

I couldnt kill myself..i like me too much. If anyone likes me more than i like myself, they are in love.

But if i were going to kill myself, i'd make sure that i made someone's day better. I'd fill all my pockets with bite sized candies and jump off a building.

So when I hit, even though there would be people that saw me hit, the candy would make it a little better

OH MY GOD THAT GUY JUST JUMPED FROM THE 20TH FL....OOOhh...snickers!

Steve - what habits do you have that this person might see as a problem? You may be endangering your eternal soul with the wrong religious beliefs - endangering your body with a few favorite foods or lack of exercise. You may be on a pharmaceutical drug that is just as deadly as anything anyone else can do recreationally. You may have your family living in an area where toxins are dangerous. You might USE toxic elements when you clean your person or home. You might suck in sunscreen manufacturer propeganda and not get enough sunshine to stay healthy. You might have a mental illness that makes you feel too deeply and endangers your own ability to love/work. You might refuse to take action when the gov does something unconstitutional and that endangers a whole country of people. Are you really going to drink that water? It has fluoride in it and that is POISON.

Steve - wherever there are other people there are things you can see them doing that can raise your hair depending on your own beliefs or knowledge. If the person is taking a drug you feel will kill them - throw them the info about it in black and white, tell them how you feel, then leave it alone. You probably have a lot of things in your own life that aren't the healthiest of habits to occupy your concerns with. "Physician, heal thyself".

Tough love, but there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do about it but bang your head against the wall and scream to the sky.

Tell the person how you feel, hand them literature to support your cause, tell them you will be there for them if they want to change and need support to do it. Then leave them alone about it. They will know how you feel but won't feel pressured. IF they feel pressured when you are around, they will just avoid you.

It's not for you to dictate. Love is not a license to control someone else. If you have talked to them and they don't respond, then your part is done. How someone else chooses to live their life is their own choice. Determining that it is YOUR business will not do you any good, it will just make the other person leave you. IF their problem effects you strongly enough, that is the right thing anyway. Continuing the belief that you have the answers, I believe, in your religion is called "pride".

If you have a problem with understanding free will - perhaps you could schedule a meeting with a local priest or minister who can make sense of it for you so you won't be eaten by the feeling you should be doing more.

I've had friends who've gone down this path. Whether they've done drugs till their minds rotted or they chose to wallow in a negative state (as did one of my best friends), I've seen people destroy themselves. Take my mentioned once-best friend for example. She chose to live out her days as an empty shell just because she refused to take a step back and enjoy life. I feel sorry for her, but I reminded her that she can do whatever she wants in life and that is her choice. Eventually we stopped being friends.

This is the brutally honest truth: I don't care what you do as long as you're not destroying yourself. If you are, I remind you that you have the power to change that. If you are seeking help, I will help you. If you are taking steps to change, I will help you. If you continue to wallow without ever even trying... eventually I will leave.