16 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
16 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Copy Critique Sought

by Steve Effron
12 replies
Hi Ladies and Not-So-Gentle Men,

I'm trying to make the transition from article writer to copywriter, and I want to see if I'm correctly applying some of the stuff I've been studying.

My client in this case is a company that arranges school tours of East Coast destinations like Washington DC and NYC. They offer a crowdfunding platform in the vein of Indiegogo and GoFundMe to tour participants to help them raise money for their tours. Very few students use it, so they asked me to compose an email that sings the praises of this crowdfunding platform and that will automatically go out to all new registrants. The goal of the email is to boost registration for this fundraising tool and get more students using it.

I composed the following first draft (with names changed). The audience is mainly students anywhere from 11-18 years old, and I expect that some parents will read the email too. I'd be grateful for any feedback on my draft, no matter how harsh. Thanks in advance.

Subject: How using Facebook helped a fifth grader from Oklahoma raise $1,800 for his tour!

Dear ______,

We're writing to you to tell you about a fun, effective, easy-to-use, and FREE tool you can use to raise money for your upcoming trip. Joe Bag O'Donuts tried it out, and it helped him earn $1,800 for his tour. We're thinking you could also use this simple tool to earn spending money or even pay for your whole trip. Check out how it worked for Joe because maybe it can help you too.

Joe was a fifth grader at Tumbleweed Elementary School in Stillwater, Oklahoma when he traveled to Washington D.C. with his class in May 2014. Joe, who loves playing basketball and violin and traveling, thought the trip sounded fun. And because he's into social studies and science, Joe liked that the trip included visits to cool museums and monuments. So, he signed up.

A month after Joe enrolled, his mom stumbled on Magical Fundraising Tool. The organizer of Joe's trip, Super Fun Tour Company, was offering this free fundraising tool on its website. When Joe's parents saw Magical Fundraising Tool, they thought their son should try to raise money himself for this trip because he would appreciate the experience much more if he put some effort into funding it.

Joe and his mom noticed they could load a video onto Magical Fundraising Tool, so they decided to make a funny one and see what happens. Then they started sharing his Magical Fundraising Tool page on Facebook. Joe also sent out letters to everyone telling them about his trip and what he would experience while in D.C.

Pretty soon, Joe's family and friends were sharing his Magical Fundraising Tool page with others. Joe and his mom even sent the video to Ellen and President Obama. (They never heard back from Ellen, but President Obama replied!)

The donations steadily came in over the next couple months, and when all was said and done, Joe had raised $1,800 for his tour!

If Joe's story sounds simple… it is. Joe gives a lot of credit for his success to Magical Fundraising Tool. As he said, "It was an easy way to share where I was going, when I was going, and how much needed to be raised. And it was EASY for my friends and family to give."

And the feeling of accomplishment Joe had when he returned from Washington D.C. was unbeatable. Had he not fundraised, he said, "I don't think I would've appreciated it as much. This was my trip. I did this!"

So, if you want to pay for a big chunk of your tour or just earn some spending money, do what Joe did and create a Magical Fundraising Tool page. Here's what you get:
  • Your own free fundraising site--you keep every dollar you raise!
  • A quick, easy, and effective way to tell your family and friends that you're raising money for your trip!
  • A simple method for your family and friends to send you money--even people far away can contribute over the Web!
  • The feeling of empowerment that you've helped pay for your tour!

Magical Fundraising Tool helps you raise more money with less effort than traditional fundraising does. On the most basic level, you can use it to ask your family and friends for help sending you on tour. That alone should help you raise a little bit of money.

But like practicing basketball or violin, what you put into your fundraising is what you get out of it. And if you put effort into creating an effective Magical Fundraising Tool page and use it to promote your service work and other fundraising activities, you could pay for your entire tour.

Not sure how to run an effective Magical Fundraising Tool campaign? Don't worry. Just sign up for Magical Fundraising Tool and we'll show you what to do to raise money for your trip.

Magical Fundraising Tool will help you collect funds… but success doesn't happen overnight and your tour is coming up sooner than you think. More importantly, the Holidays are just around the corner. This is the season when family and friends are giving, so you really need to have your Magical Fundraising Tool page ready to send to everyone.

You need to create your page NOW so we can help you make an effective one before gift-giving season arrives. The sooner you start promoting your Magical Fundraising Tool page, the more people you can reach with it and the more money you can raise for your tour.

And remember: a fifth grader used Magical Fundraising Tool to help raise $1,800 and he still had plenty of time to hang out with his friends and play basketball and violin. There's no reason you can't have similarly great or even greater success.

Sincerely,
The Super Fun Tour Company Team
#copy #critique #sought
  • Profile picture of the author Tim R
    I fell asleep midway through the 2nd paragraph.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595564].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Hi Steve,

    Three suggestions:

    1)Ditch the opening paragraph and start with a gripping first paragraph about Joe. This is Storytelling 101.

    2)Create an emotional barrier for Joe to overcome. You say he signed up for the trip. What would be tons more effective would be if he could not afford to sign up for the trip unless he raised the funds. Explain also why he yearned so much to go on the trip even though he couldn't afford it. In that situation, there's something big at stake. People will get engaged in the letter to find out what happened, and they'll also be more likely to want to follow in Joe's footsteps.

    3)Work the emotional stakes into your headline. What matters is not how much money was raised but that the fundraising enabled a kid to fulfill his dream. For example:

    How Facebook helped nine-year-old Joe from Oshkosh tour the antique airplanes of his dreams

    Good luck,
    Marcia Yudkin
    Signature
    Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595589].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Steve Effron
      Thanks, Marcia. That sounds like fantastic advice.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595602].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    As someone who started in article writing and now does copywriting, here's my biggest piece of advice: cut it in half, then cut it in half again.

    You're not being paid by the word, Dickens. (Unless you are – if that's the case, you need to leave that world behind and charge by the project.)

    Cut your copy down by at least half, and you'll begin to see the portions that slow down the reader and distract from your message.

    On a more practical note, what's the cost of this "Magical Fundraising Tool?" That also affects how much you need to say.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595608].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Steve Effron
      Thanks, Matthew. I already see where I can cut the copy. To answer your question, this fundraising tool is free (I do mention that a few times in the copy). I figure I don't need to say much if it's free, but I'm also factoring in the age of the audience. I'm operating under the assumption that it'll be tough to motivate teens to sign up for this.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595633].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author MatthewRHallEsq
    Ah, okay. I guess I was just wondering what the monetization strategy is behind this (but there may not be one, it seems).
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9595662].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author joe golfer
    Imagine yourself reading this email: "Joe, who loves playing basketball and violin and traveling, thought the trip sounded fun."

    It doesn't involve you, does it? It doesn't engage your emotions. It's almost the opposite: It drains energy.

    Try to put them in the action, rather than describing it.

    Consider this scene from the book "Gentlemen at Arms":

    “He took his map and ivory scale, and worked out the angle of sight from the range and the height of the new target. The gun detachments were already at their stations. The direction was put on the dial-sight. Two men then threw the trail over with the aid of handspikes.

    As he shouted out the range and angle of sight, No. 1 of each gun repeated his words like a litany; there was a pause as the layer moved the handle of the clinometer-sight till he shouted “set.”

    “Lyddite,” said the Captain. The loader thrust a shell into the breach and closed the wedge.

    The Captain took out a cigarette, lit it, and waited.

    About ten minutes later the telephonist, who had been waiting with his ear at the receiver, spoke:

    “Mr. Miller has arrived at the O. P., sir.”

    “No. 1 gun ready?”

    “Ready, sir,” said the sergeant.

    “Fire.”

    The loader pulled the lanyard. There was a loud report and a sheet of orange flame.”

    Notice how descriptive it is, the detail. Words like "handspikes" and "clinometer-sight." There is a good mix of description and dialogue, which keeps it conversational and engaging. You can see this scene in your head, and it pulls you forward. Short sentences. Tight writing.

    Or take a look at this section of a direct mail piece for Olive Oil written by copywriter Gary Bencivenga:

    Matteo explained that in Sicily, as in other olive growing parts of the world, "we locals go crazy for fresh-pressed oil." He said that Italians call it 'novello,' and they love it so much, they throw parties at harvest time each year to celebrate its arrival.

    He asked if I had ever tasted fresh-pressed olive oil, squeezed right at harvest time. I told him no, I hadn't. He laughed and, with a warm smile and characteristic Sicilian hand gestures for emphasis, implored me to come to the harvest party, saying, "TJ, my friend, you are still an olive oil Virgin! You have never tasted olive oil until you have tasted fresh- pressed! It will spoil you for all the other oils! Please join me and my family tonight!"

    You can almost hear him telling you this story at dinner, or at a local bar. It's buoyant, enthusiastic. If you were the target market, you would be captured by its earnestness and energy. Notice also the subtle styling of the words fresh-pressed, always in italics.

    Try to put your reader in the middle of the action, so they can see the story in their mind.

    To get a feel for this, try to describe things as if you were talking to a friend at the bar. You probably wouldn't say, "He enjoys basketball and violin." What would you really say? Say it out loud as is your friend was right there next to you. Right away you'll use different words and have a different energy than what you have written so far.

    Part of your challenge will be an inner voice judging your writing, like a radio station broadcasting in your brain all day and all night. The slogan for this station is "24-Hour Hater." It hates everything you do, all the time.

    That's one reason speaking out loud is so effective. It infuses your copy with energy and vitality, and it also drowns out your inner voice.

    You can always edit later. For now, write as if you are talking to an old friend.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9596295].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Steve Effron
      Thanks a lot, Joe. That's killer feedback. Most of the writing I've done to this point has either had a formal tone or a relaxed conversational one. Injecting emotion is one of my big challenges.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9596671].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Steve, the problem is... it's boring as batshit. We're all inundated with emails and pitches all day long. So to get our attention you need to... get our attention... and then cut to the chase.

    You need a killer title to your email or it's not even going to be opened and read. "How using Facebook helped a fifth grader from Oklahoma raise $1800 for his tour!" isn't going to cut it.

    If it were "How using Facebook helped a fifth grader from Oklahoma rob a bank!" you might at least get the thing read (and no, I don't suggest using that).

    Have a look at this. From a client of mine. He writes all his own emails. To a subscriber base of 50k or more.

    The day I was locked up in jail.

    G'day Malkie,

    A bloke with a buzz-cut who smells of cheese sandwiches pats my inside leg, then snorts at me to go through the gate.

    I’m entering the Melbourne Remand Centre.

    For those of you who don’t know, that’s the place where people who are waiting to be sentenced are locked up. And, as I would soon be told, every single one of them is innocent.

    In my younger days, I did my civic duty in this way -- going into jails and talking to young offenders about their finances.

    “What did you do?” Asked a young man who’d been banged up for ‘burgs’.

    “Oh, I’m not an inmate, I’m here to help you manage your money”, I replied.

    He stared straight through me: “You serious?”

    Turns out, I was the one who got the education: they taught me how to hotwire a car, and bust open an ATM. (And provided me with enough second-hand cigarette smoke to last a lifetime).

    Most of them were facing long-term sentences and still the only thing that really interested them was making a quick buck.

    In retrospect, I should have introduced them to the absolute masters of making easy money - the financial services industry.

    I’m sure the inmates would be very interested to hear about the racket they’ve got going on:

    Hey boys, put down your crowbar and pick up your Casio calculator. Let me tell you about a job which is almost guaranteed to make you a millionaire -- and here’s the kicker: you don’t even need to be good at it.

    The money keeps rolling in bigger and bigger each year. In fact, in this line of business, there are laws set by the government that actually guarantee it.

    It sounds ridiculous -- but only partly -- and the money is mindboggling.


    The Billion Dollar Losers

    Meet the boys from the Financial Services Council. (Yes, they’re as boring as that sounds.)

    They’re effectively a lobby group for the big four banks and the retail super fund managers. And here’s the jig: lately there have been growing calls for their millionaire members to disclose how much they get paid to manage our superannuation money. But the industry has argued people are not interested in these details… apparently we just don’t care!

    Collectively, fund managers rip $6.2 billion in fees each year from our superannuation accounts. Yet here’s the thing: nearly three-quarters of all Aussie share investment funds have failed to beat a ‘no-brainer’ automated index fund over the past five years, according to S&P Dow Jones (which keeps a scorecard on these things).

    But performance doesn’t seem to matter. Next year they’ll make even more.

    Why?

    Because every boss in the country sends them 9.5 per cent of their staff’s wages every year. And very few people check what’s happening until they hit fifty (and even then most have no idea what’s going on with their super).

    This is the reason I’m such a huge fan of ultra-low-cost investing. Why pay these bozos billions of dollars when the vast majority of them are losers?

    As a postscript to this tale, the Financial Times reported this week that the industry is facing its own ‘drop the soap in the shower’ moment: Google is reportedly exploring ways to get into the fund management game. And anything that makes the industry more competitive is a bloody good thing.
    The pitch comes after this but you get the idea? Throw the baited hook out - then reel them in.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9596959].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Steve, the problem is... it's boring as batshit. We're all inundated with emails and pitches all day long. So to get our attention you need to... get our attention... and then cut to the chase.

      You need a killer title to your email or it's not even going to be opened and read. "How using Facebook helped a fifth grader from Oklahoma raise $1800 for his tour!" isn't going to cut it.

      If it were "How using Facebook helped a fifth grader from Oklahoma rob a bank!" you might at least get the thing read (and no, I don't suggest using that).

      Have a look at this. From a client of mine. He writes all his own emails. To a subscriber base of 50k or more.

      The pitch comes after this but you get the idea? Throw the baited hook out - then reel them in.
      I'm so swiping this. Thank you.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9617234].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Steve Effron
    Haha, thanks for the brutal honesty, Mal, and for the great example of how to toss out the baited hook. I obviously need to set the bar much higher when I write.

    The feedback here's been amazing.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9597687].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author keystonecontent
    "We're writing to..." - Click. Report spam.

    Yea, skip right to information that is engaging or immediately useful.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9597721].message }}

Trending Topics