Pleae review my headlines

14 replies
Hi,

I am trying to come up with some headlines for a squeeze page for a new product. The product will focus on the weight loss niche.

I must point out that I have very little copy writing skill all I have done is followed some headline advice from Copy Blogger.

Please be a harsh as possible and if you want come up with your own ones.

1. Who else wants to lose 30lbs
2. The Secret of Losing Weight Forever
3. Here is a method that is is helping people to lose weight forever
4. Little Known Ways to lose weight permanently.
5. Get Rid of your unwanted fat once and for all
6. Now you can have the body you have always dreamed off
7. Here's a quick way to start losing weight
8. Look like a model
9. Get a body you can be proud of
10. What everybody ought to know about losing weight.
11. Give Me 3 Minutes - And I'll Give you the secret to losing weight forever!
12. If you don't read this now, you'll hat yourself later.
13. The Lazy Way to Lose Weight.
14. See How Easily You Can Lose Weight Forever
15. You Don't have to be a celebrity to lose weight.
16. Do you make these mistakes when trying to lose weight?
17. Warning: Most People fail when trying to lose weight- Will you be one of them
18. Warning: The secret that they don't want you to know about losing weight.
19. Are you ashamed of the way you look?

Cheers
#headlines #pleae #review
  • Profile picture of the author Gwuido65
    No Don't worry I really don't mind. I don't claim to have any copy writing skill, I just wanted to test them out.

    Think I'll look to get it don't by a professional!
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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    I think a "How to" (direct or implied) head line that is contradictory would work best in this case. Here are a couple weak examples just so you see what I mean.

    "How to Burn Massive Calories While Eating More"
    "How to Lose 8 pounds in 11 days While Eating Out Everyday"

    js
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  • Profile picture of the author Bill Jeffels
    Hi Guido65,

    Weight-loss is a huge market. You need lots of proof when marketing a product. People have been ripped off for years and have become very skeptical.

    Your headlines, #1 you could work with, "Who Else" is good because it implies you or someone has already done it. You could use #16 as a subhead.

    And when in doubt use "How To", everyone always wants to know how to.

    Check out www.HardToFindAds.com for ideas, look under Gary Halbert he was one of the masters at weight-loss ads.

    Take care,

    Bill Jeffels
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    • Profile picture of the author megaresp
      Originally Posted by Bill Jeffels View Post

      Check out www.HardToFindAds.com for ideas...
      Bill, thanks for that awesome site. What a great find!
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      66 ways to get links (and traffic) to your site.

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  • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
    Here is one you might try:

    "When people are overweight THIS is what they do"

    I had great success with something similar in my niche

    "Doctors prove 3 out of 4 woman can safely lose 10 lbs in 14 days"

    gotta run
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    If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

    >>>> This <<<<

    Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author megaresp
    I agree with alexa_s' comment that #6 speaks directly to the prospect's desired result. Why does somebody want to lose weight? To get the body they always dreamed of.

    You can't answer the prospect's objections in the headline. What you can do is get his/her attention, and press the right buttons. That requires an outcome-orientated sentence.

    Contrast #6 with #13. #13 focuses on a weight loss method (lazy way to lose weight), and implies there is something the prospect has to do. It sounds like work (albeit lazy work), so it will be taken as work. The prospect isn't dreaming about his/her perfect body. S/he has already moved on.

    And by the way, churning out 19 headlines to get a goodie isn't in any way unusual. Good writing is about rewriting until the copy is ready. Hiring a pro won't necessarily deliver anything better than your list unless you're paying for all his/her time.
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    66 ways to get links (and traffic) to your site.

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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    None of those headlines shows a Unique Selling Proposition. What makes your information better than the other 10 million out there?

    I would also use something that doesnt go into the background. Something catchy and weird to at least do the job of getting their attention.

    Not sure what, but I am sure many people here can come up with one. Maybe involving Aliens, One Night In Bangkok and a broken iPod.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author RentItNow
    Btw, weight loss niche is kind of an oxymoron as it is no longer a niche. Get that down more. Who are you targetting SPECIFICALLY? New Mothers in the $30K to $50K, drive this car, do yoga, etc. etc. I think your headline will write itself once you have this refined more.
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    I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    John kind of nailed it... but to elaborate...

    A headline should show WHY your product is DIFFERENT. Hence, none of your headlines are anything but generic (and they're not even good)...

    If you want us to critique a headline, you need to show us what body copy it's going with... and what the product is about.

    Otherwise, you'll get a major disconnect which will kill conversions.

    -Dan
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    • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      John kind of nailed it... but to elaborate...

      A headline should show WHY your product is DIFFERENT. Hence, none of your headlines are anything but generic (and they're not even good)...

      If you want us to critique a headline, you need to show us what body copy it's going with... and what the product is about.

      Otherwise, you'll get a major disconnect which will kill conversions.

      -Dan
      I'm no copy pro but after thoroughly studying through Jay abrahams 100 best, Halbert swipes, Clayton makepeace swipes, john carleton swipes....

      i never once got the impression that my headline is supposed to contain "Why my product is different"

      The job of your headline is to stop the reader dead in their tracks and get them to read it....Then get them to read the next sentence....then rinse and repeat....

      If I were you I wouldn't waste my time guessing at great headlines...I would go swipe from the pro's.....

      Asking for headline ideas in here, rather than swiping from the pro's is equivalent to getting golf advice from your neighbor when tiger woods is sitting in your living room.

      I've gotten some great copy advice from this forum...Just awesome. But when it comes to specifics (like headline writing) I'd try not to reinvent the wheel...

      Just my thoughts.
      Signature
      If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

      >>>> This <<<<

      Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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      • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
        This might be one of those areas where we agree to disagree... because most of the headlines I'm studied have something in them that says "this is unique! You need to read it!".

        Particularly in this day and age where consumers are becoming more jaded and have "seen it all"... A generic headline that doesn't offer a recognizable difference isn't going to cut it.

        You're right that a headline's job is to get people to read... but I think in order to do that you really need to make it stand out... and the way I personally do that is to write it based onthe USP.

        There are other ways, of course... but most good headlines stand out in some way.

        -Dan

        Originally Posted by jukeboxhero View Post

        I'm no copy pro but after thoroughly studying through Jay abrahams 100 best, Halbert swipes, Clayton makepeace swipes, john carleton swipes....

        i never once got the impression that my headline is supposed to contain "Why my product is different"

        The job of your headline is to stop the reader dead in their tracks and get them to read it....Then get them to read the next sentence....then rinse and repeat....

        If I were you I wouldn't waste my time guessing at great headlines...I would go swipe from the pro's.....

        Asking for headline ideas in here, rather than swiping from the pro's is equivalent to getting golf advice from your neighbor when tiger woods is sitting in your living room.

        I've gotten some great copy advice from this forum...Just awesome. But when it comes to specifics (like headline writing) I'd try not to reinvent the wheel...

        Just my thoughts.
        Signature

        Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Gwuido-

    I don't mean to sound harsh, but
    those headlines are just swipes
    adapted to fit your niche.

    If you really want to find a headline
    that fits whatever you're doing, sit
    down and think about what makes
    those original headlines work.

    Then apply that to your page and
    product.

    THEN come back and ask for critiques.

    Some of these guys have been kind
    enough to give you some feedback,
    and that's great...

    ...but you'll learn a whole lot more if
    you actually spend some time writing
    your own headlines.

    And the more you learn about copy,
    the more money you'll likely make
    from your product.

    -David Raybould
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    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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  • Profile picture of the author sarahberra
    Some of the titles are just too generic and better suited for web articles, but a squeeze page really needs to stand out. I would go with one of the titles that pops. (#2 #6 and #11 are the best)
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