Brutalize my landing page

21 replies
It still isn't quite where I need it to be.

But I posted the last one I had and it got torn to shreds...

And I learned a lot.

So please, tear my new one to shreds!

Purpose / target:

This is a home page where I will eventually be uploading my portfolio. Also a home for my blog and contact info. Mostly just a place where I point interested parties.

Who are these "interested parties?"

Advertising agencies primarily, but I don't want to exclude small businesses either as I've done freelance work independently also with some success.

Targeting people who don't need to be sold on copywriting itself, but have come to the site usually after an interaction or two just to see a little bit about me and why they should choose me.
#brutalize #landing #page
  • Profile picture of the author RealCasher
    You don't have a contact form in your contact page.
    Gmail as your personal email doesn't sound pro, make a professional email, like:
    Get Weekly Payouts Stream -Using- My Autopilot Money Machine

    Discover & Jump into the 2015's Hottest Income Opportunity -- (Viral Stuff.)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9898808].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Chad, you have a voice that lends itself to a certain client.

      I suspect it might be coming up with the right voice that
      brand advertisers are looking to find.

      Is that what you find easy to do?

      Have you found yourself jumping in to an area which others in the team struggle with?
      What is it?

      Are you drawn to brand advertisers and see what they are doing often?

      Recognizing and using your natural strengths that are easy for you to do
      and difficult for others, is your ticket to a rich life.

      Doctor E. Vile
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9898821].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author kk075
    It's great copy...I genuinely enjoyed it. My only suggestion would be to shorten it a little and then edit the parts where you say things like, "It involved doing a number of things I’d dabbled in before, but also a number of things I’d never even attempted before."

    That makes it sound like you'll take the job whether you know how to do it or not, and for that reason alone I wouldn't hire you. In fact, clients would rather hear you say, "I'm not the best person for the job because I'm not experienced enough with x, y, and z." Since you're building relationships and it makes it sound like you deceived a few clients, that's a massive no-no. And I know you shined through and did a great job...but I still don't think that matters since consumers look for complete honesty first.

    My only other complaint is the black backgrounds in the's much too strong for the page and it makes it feel like a typical squeeze page. Make it light grey or even have it blend with the background (maybe with a lightly colored border), and the page will look a lot more honest.

    Finally, I personally love the "Naughty, filthy words that misbehave." But the more I think about it, the more I think some people will be offended by it. And then I see your photo with the large stud earring right after reading that line and I think, "It this guy some kind of cultist or something?" Seeing the words right next to your photo just puts you into a different go from the clean-cut nice guy to a possible thug. So I'd drop the naughty, filthy line...although I still love it!

    I hope that helps...I loved the actual copy though minus the few things mentioned. I was brutally honest!

    Learn to sell like a pro through Web Synergy's marketing blog.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9898815].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
    My advice is the same as it was the last time you posted this...
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9898860].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author drschool
    Hi Chad,
    Overall I liked the content, but honestly,if I was looking for a copywriter, I wouldn't have read past this part-

    "I write words for businesses and advertising agencies. Branded words for websites. Conversational words for social media. Strategic words for search engines. Helpful words for consumers. Persuasive words. Naughty, filthy words that misbehave."

    The last part comes across as a bit juvenile (and there are 6 sentence fragments in that part).

    And just some nit picking...

    "I increase sales and revenue for small businesses and entrepreneurs with my writing, and I can do the same for you." The placement of "with my writing" makes it ambiguous (are you increasing sales with your writing, or do you increase sales for the small business owners and entrepreneurs who have your writing? It can be read both ways)

    Consider changing it to something like "With my writing, I increase sales and revenues for small businesses and entrepreneurs and I can do the same for you."

    And instead of using "a brand's tone of voice" maybe consider using "brand's image, taglines, voice and tone"
    So instead of "I write clear and relevant copy that fits a brand’s tone of voice while compelling prospects to act"

    maybe "I write compelling copy that fits your brand's image, taglines, voice and tone."

    For me, tone of voice is just one of the aspects of a brand's language.

    Just my opinions.
    Overall, nice job.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9898947].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author pewpewpewmonkeys
    Gmail as your personal email doesn't sound pro, make a professional email
    A buddy of mine works in oil fields and has to meet with guys who handle million dollar clients on a daily basis. Their email addy of choice? Gmail.

    If the #1 thing preventing me from being ultra rich was not having the copywriting services of 1 particular person, then I wouldn't give a damn about that person's choice of email.

    OP, my first thought when looking at your website was "How is this guy gonna make me ultra rich?" You didn't tell me in the first screen, so I didn't bother to scroll down to find out.
    Some cause-oriented hackers recently hacked one of my websites. So I researched what they're about and then donated a large sum of money to the entity they hate the most.

    The next time they hack one of my websites I'm going to donate DOUBLE.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9899107].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author TjarkHartmann
    Here's a couple things I believe will help you:

    You're focusing too much on "I". I will do this. I can do that. I'm different than this. You can easily switch these sentences into what they will get, what they can expect.

    No idea why you mentioned content marketing right after you say you're a copywriter. Adding the knowledge you got from content marketing later on to set you apart could be good. But there's no reason to write "I do some content marketing"... it's confusing, and makes you seem unfocused.

    I like the headline, but there's no benefit in it. You could play on the bald guy aspect, and add something which delivers a promise. Maybe "See that bald white guy? He can do this, this, and this for you." or "He's known for this, this, and this."

    The flow of the letter is all over the place and thoughts jump around. One line is about increasing sales and the next you talk about small vet and clothing store businesses... where did that come from?

    The link for my particular set of skills goes to a Taken clip... why...? Why would you do that? You actually had him leave your website and to go to YOUTUBE...

    I'm not an expert, so some of these points may be wrong. If one of the more experienced copywriters replies and argues against one of my points they are probably correct. But I believe my information should be helpful.

    Good luck.

    Tjark: Pronounced like "Jacques" in Jacques Cousteau.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9899589].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author brotherZ
    The empty space on top of the page makes it seem that the page is incomplete. The page looks too plain. It needs more graphic and needs to be broken up in sections.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9899670].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author dmaster555
    I think your samples page should be more results oriented. Right now it is not convincing.

    Remember what your potential clients want : results, conversions, money, etc.

    Simply showing them samples of your copy isn't enough. Give them specific numbers.

    "This change in copy led to a 20% increase in conversion rates for my client."

    You gave your reasoning and all, but left out the crucial detail they want to see. Did it lead to more sales?

    Overall, I think it's a little too much about yourself as well.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9916469].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author mrdeflation
    these images you have like this are impossible to read on a mobile device imo

    also the contact/signup button is HORRID

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9916490].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author humantheme
      I was going to say the exact same thing, the testimonials are unreadable because of the small font, and the dark grey background.

      Originally Posted by mrdeflation View Post

      these images you have like this are impossible to read on a mobile device imo

      also the contact/signup button is HORRID
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9924821].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    I think your voice is crystal clear, and I like that about you. I totally and completely identify with being someone who sticks out and has a unique voice.

    That said, there are a couple of little niggling things happening here that, once eliminated, could elevate you to easily landing the level of clients you're targeting.

    editing capabilities that bring poorly performing copy up to a professional standard
    The unspoken implication here is that whatever copy they have is unprofessional. Keep in mind that on occasion, the person reading this page is the person who wrote the copy. And "professional standard"? What exactly does that mean? MLA formatted, proper citations? You could stand to be a little more clear.

    At CHE Proximity, I was hired for my copywriting abilities. But knowing how to apply your skills to other areas is an important part of the job too.

    I was asked to jump head first into an enormous content marketing project for Telstra. It involved doing some things I’d done before, but also some things I’d never even attempted before. I was honest about my abilities, but as a member of the team it was expected of me to add skills to my arsenal—to earn my wages rather than “sit out” whenever the copy is finished.

    I could have said no, I could have said “sorry buddy, not my job description.” I’m sure many others would have.

    Instead, I learned what I needed to learn, came in on weekends, and made it happen for my team.
    This is something I'd expect to see on a fresh-out-of-college student's cover letter, not in a sales letter. There's a little too much "I, me, my" going on in here for my tastes. I, as a potential client, don't care that you learned or came in on weekends for that guy. Do you know what I need you to know and will you work weekends for ME?

    In case it's hard to see, I'll point out the me-centric stuff in bold.

    And to get a little technical - you're writing in passive voice a LOT. Are you doing that intentionally?

    I'd advise against it because it takes away a lot of your power.

    Instead of acting, you were reacting. Instead of controlling things, you let things happen to you. Do you want to be a writer-for-hire or a copywriter? Copywriters are also marketing experts who can tell clients what's up. I don't get that authoritative tone from this.

    In today’s cluttered marketplace, it’s no longer good enough to merely spell correctly and explain what products or services do. It’s no longer good enough to just say “well, the audience are mostly male and they’re young, so talk to them like they’re hip young men.”

    You see, most copywriters (yes, even the good ones) will tell you that they learn about an audience, learn about a product, and then play matchmaker with the words. They’ll say things like “I will explain to them the emotional benefits of what we offer” and “I will make jargon-heavy language easily understandable” and so forth. These are basic things that any good copywriter can do.
    I'm going to take a wild guess here, but I'm thinking the clients you want to work with, the ones you're positioning yourself to attract, already know these things. By informing them of the obvious, you're actually changing your target to someone who knows less - in essence, a poorer quality target. You don't want to educate them. You want them to GET it. Your job is to show them that YOU get it too. That makes it a no-brainer for them to want to work with you.

    Impressive attempt - I've definitely seen much much worse from people who claim to be world-class experts. Then again, it's really hard to sell yourself, even if you're an expert at helping others sell themselves.

    TL;DR version - start stripping away all the "I, me, my" stuff and focus on what you can do for the potential client reading this. Write in active voice so it sounds like you're consciously taking action instead of passively letting things happen and reacting. Don't tell clients what they already know.

    Best of luck with the rewrite, and I look forward to seeing the next version.

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9925375].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author MRMagMark
      Agree with the other commenters.

      I don't think your headline is effective, though. In fact, I think you have a better one that is buried all the way at the bottom of the page:

      "Impress your clients with high-performance copy."

      or the one you have in the middle of your copy:

      "I help advertising agencies exceed their client's expectations by writing high quality copy that compels action and promotes brand trust."

      Your current headline really doesn't promise anything.

      Depending upon your audience, I'd hone in on their concerns, which could be:

      • A copywriter who delivers under deadline, brings big ideas to the table, and is easy to work with
      • Getting conversions
      • Works well with the development process

      Etc., etc. Not sure if you've heard of Jill Konrath, but she's a sales trainer. She has a great (free) sales kit on her site that includes a value proposition generator. It has phrases like "decreasing costs," "increasing time to market," and "improving customer retention." Not all applies to our deliverables but it's pretty damn close.

      It basically boils down to this: clients either want to make more money, cut costs, or make their customers happy. There are different types of copy that can make all of those goals a reality.

      Like Angie said, step away from the "I" and the "me" language and focus on your customer's need. Imagine a prospect standing over you as you write your sales letter to hire you (your home page) saying, "Nice, but what's in it for me?"

      Ad agencies want to look like miracle workers to their clients. Be the miracle worker's assistant.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9925504].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    Okay guys, took all of these points on board and had a play with the site. Let me know what you think.

    1. Edited the header, previous image was too boring.
    2. Edited the testimonials, hopefully they're FINALLY readable and good-looking.
    3. Changed the CTA button (same goes for the button on the "samples" page).
    4. Changed a lot of copy—removed "I" language where I could, incorporated some storytelling, made sure to use active voice as much as possible and avoid passive as much as possible, culled adverbs, adjectives where I could, etc.

    Can't wait for the next round of criticisms! You guys rule

    - Chad
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9927710].message }}
  • LOL Dude you had me laughing so hard with the headline and your picture! Perfect!!! First of all you created an emotional response from me, that's genius dude. The hiring staff with personality will appreciate it.

    Your other headline.... I didn't even want to say anything. It was kind of a put down towards yourself, but this one is funny!

    One thing I want to give you even though you already handled it is:

    "In today’s cluttered marketplace, it’s no longer good enough to merely spell correctly and explain what products or services do. It’s no longer good enough to just say “well, the audience are mostly male and they’re young, so talk to them like they’re hip young men.”

    When you use that sort of strategy, you are still associating yourself with copywriters that make those mistakes. You are showing where you set the bar. Hiring managers are aware of writers eons ahead of that.

    "Content management? Content uploads? Content rewrites? Image sourcing and cropping? Design? Not my jurisdiction, and I’ll tell you as much…
    …but if it needs doing, and I’m the one slapped with the unfortunate task of doing it, it’s getting done."

    That's really bad dude, First of all you are talking about what you wont do like you have been slapped in the face with it before. Like why would you talk about that when only copywriting matters?

    It sounds like "If you are going to make me do it, Im going to get up off of my cranky a$$ and do it". It leaves a nasty feeling. It makes me wonder if your were problematic. It sounds like a problem child issue.

    Also it sounds like you have your nose pointed up in the air that copywriting is better than content writing. If you view someones passion as problematic, someone can take great offense to that. There are a lot of content writers where you are applying Im betting.

    No task is unfortunate, its part of your job! If you don't want to do content writing, find out the full job description. Also, you could ask questions on the interview and politely decline the offer if it involves what you are not interested in.

    Now when I elaborate on the negativity, Im doing it based on the level of importance and urgency of how much you shouldn't do it. Because that WILL cost you a lot of money. Im not doing it because I feel like it.

    "keep an automobile dealership afloat by selling cars through organic social media"
    From what I know, social media writers are known as content writers.

    "change the mind of valuable clients who were ready to walk out the door"
    Did you almost make them walk out the door? Or did you catch them as they were ready to walk out because of another salesperson and sell them?

    I like the global 500 bullet point and that you have bullet points right away. I get to see value right away.

    " landed a job at a Cannes Lion-nominated advertising agency using nothing but words on the internet."

    This bragging makes it seem like you "Got by". Or got lucky. If the hiring manager finds out you were able to talk your way in, that should have a higher impact effect.

    You are showing off how you got lucky. Then they will think "Ok, you got in with the same words Im reading now, and you are not with them now?"

    Its better to show off bigger accomplishments. More solid accomplishments.

    Is there a way you can get in touch with a hiring manger to give you their in depth opinion of your resume or sales page?

    "I edited a landing page written by that pesky client so thoroughly (but so politely) that they decided after one amend that writing copy actually takes skill and is worth paying the big bucks for."

    That sounds like an early case of bad customer service. I would never let anyone represent or work with my company who gave even the slightest disrespect to a client or who bad mouths clients behind their backs.


    Bring In More Cash For Your Business With High Caliber Copy

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9927824].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
      Thanks Engineer. I updated it. See what you think.

      And don't worry about the sample section yet. There'll be more soon~
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9927914].message }}
  • gain the confidence of a restless high-value client who wasn't happy with their landing pages
    So you came in and spruced up a clients landing pages when they were under performing right?

    What happened to their landing pages after you came in and worked on them? Why was the client high value?

    keep an automobile dealership afloat by selling cars through persuasive writing
    So from my understanding, you optimized an auto dealerships sales copy which sold them tons of cars. Or Increased their conversion rates which sold tons of cars.

    Pretty awesome...

    With the word perversion. Where did you get your theory to use that? because I know in the previous letter you had something similar. I feel like there is some theory you got from some where.

    Words that explode revenue and make clients literally jump for joy. Literally
    This jumps out at me and I feel a bit of hype. Do you mean that they literally came down to the car dealership because of your copy? because if they did, you could restructure that to you advantage if you are keen on making that point.

    I commit long hours and weekends without objection to handle troublesome things like site migrations. Sometimes, as a copywriter, I apply my skills of persuasion to other areas.
    So you mean you are flexible and open to working long hours and weekends, easily carrying your own weight and you can carry the weight of others? Pretty awesome if you ask me. Seems like you are looking for a lifestyle of working overtime. That might be worth a mention. If you are open to it, I dont see objections. Or it might all be fine the way it is, I'll let you decide that.

    Advertising isn't always a perfect machine, sometimes team members must be adaptable.

    ...but if it needs doing, and you put me on the case, it's getting done.
    So what are you trying to say!? ahahahahaha

    I mean throw something in like"Aside from copywriting I could assist in other projects, as I understand deadlines approach, and it is better to call on the help from an employee in house rather than having to hire a whole new staff member.

    Or just make it clear you only do copywriting. Dont throw up any resistance in your writing, it looks like an argument from a mile away lol

    Other than that, that was just the obvious what popped out at me. Just keep up with it, if you landed a job with what you had a little while ago, Im pretty sure you can get one now then. But if you keep making changes, and listening you will probably get more offers.

    And I noticed you are selling yourself more than last time.

    Cool stuff

    Bring In More Cash For Your Business With High Caliber Copy

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9928140].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author ChadHaynes
    This is a valuable thread. Feedback is the best way to learn man, appreciate it. Will probably be tweaking it my whole life as
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9928164].message }}
    • Originally Posted by ChadHaynes View Post

      This is a valuable thread. Feedback is the best way to learn man, appreciate it. Will probably be tweaking it my whole life as

      lol yeah it is. Think of the reward or career it will land you. You are gaining experience and transforming yourself by making changes and learning from this thread. There are different successful mindset coming from different parts of the world.

      You know when you engage your mind in books written by successful people, it changes your way of thinking and how people perceive you. It starts to rub off on you. Also your mindsets change.

      Bring In More Cash For Your Business With High Caliber Copy

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9929212].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    You're getting closer, but I get the distinct feeling that you're approaching "I've looked at this way too much". Your edits don't necessarily demonstrate an understanding of the WHY behind the suggestions.

    And if you're going to contract for agencies, you REALLY need to show that you understand the reasoning that goes on behind the scenes long before pen meets paper (or fingers meet keyboard, as it were). Otherwise you'll spend all your time at the agency writing, rewriting, editing, tweaking, and getting VERY frustrated.

    I can write a winning direct mail piece in 30 minutes. And that's because I know all of the relevant info BEFORE I start writing. I ask myself critical questions and try to poke holes in my hook BEFORE I write.

    I think you have a decent but superficial understanding of what these agencies need. If you DO have a deeper understanding, you're not showing it very well in your copy.

    As someone in a position to recommend/hire a freelancer, I can tell you what we need:

    - Someone who can write in our voice
    - Someone who can get to know our market and be up to speed VERY quickly
    - Someone to whom we can give a project, the major points, and a deadline and know that your first draft won't completely miss the mark
    - Someone whose hands we don't have to hold throughout the project
    - Someone who knows how to be part of the team, WHILE making helpful suggestions from a fresh, outside perspective. Meaning you don't come in trying to show us how our thinking is wrong and yours is better - you develop an understanding of why we do things this way and you make suggestions that could make things even better.

    You've come a long way, but I'm thinking you may be at the point where you need to let it rest, let these suggestions really marinate. When you're looking through it and editing after you've rewritten, get OUT of your own head. Think of it from your market's perspective. After all, this is a sales piece, isn't it? You need to know what your market is thinking through every step of the journey you've taken them on via your words.

    Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9928765].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author KreativCopy
      Hi Chad,

      I really liked your headline, it made me laugh and grabbed my attention. It made me think 'yeah..I can work with him'.

      I then went to look for what you could do for I loved the 'I help ad agencies....' part and the breakdown of what you could do. The questions at the end are spot on too and it is very compelling.

      Personally, for a landing page that is all I need to know. If I want testimonials or your work history, I would expect to be directed somewhere else for that.

      I like things concise and to the point, so I would cut away some of the other stuff which doesn't directly convey the benefit to the reader.

      Just my thoughts. Good luck with it :-)
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[9928792].message }}

Trending Topics