Quick review of my work please

11 replies
I read a lot and tried to follow the rules to writing good copy. I am hoping to get some opinions about if I did a good job or need to do more reading/practice. Will this page work? Get A Record Deal 100 Record Labels Accepting Demos | 32Hertz.com

Thanks
#copywright #quick #review #work
  • emmm

    look at your headline... seems to make no sense to me...

    mind u- im kind hungover this mornin.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jason Kanigan
      Originally Posted by Quality Copywriter View Post

      emmm

      look at your headline... seems to make no sense to me...

      mind u- im kind hungover this mornin.
      Yeah, it is an incoherent, mashed-up headline as-is.

      The dash in the product name hyperlinked in green below fixes it.

      OP, your headline down below, "Finally get your music heard by a music producer!" is better.

      Though I'd put a comma after the Finally. And use a subheadline about the 100 labels.

      "100 labels" is a feature.

      "Get your music heard by a real producer" is a benefit. "Finally" says it's overcoming a problem.

      I'd hire an editor to clean up the grammar, but the copy is basically on target with your intended audience.

      One issue I do find is the "No" "No" "No" negative phrasing constantly used. Flip them around to positive phrasing and split test.
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    • Profile picture of the author Cam Connor
      Originally Posted by Quality Copywriter View Post

      mind u- im kind hungover this mornin.
      Yea, it's not the hangover, it's a legitimately nonsensical headline.

      What if you had 100 different legit record labels at your fingertips who were eager to hear your demo?
      Clever sub-head
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        malaker, Can you name 3 or 5 record labels
        which your readers recognize and desire to
        represent them?

        If so, name them and use their brand images
        so you get instant "I want this".

        Best,
        Doctor E. Vile
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  • Profile picture of the author malaker
    Thank you very much! I put the dash in the title and I will start working on the other changes now. I appreciate that you guys took the time to check it out.
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  • Profile picture of the author malaker
    ok I tried to make the - "Finally get your music heard by a music producer" more pronounced. Let me know what you think. Wish I new/realised I was selling a feature sooner and should have -don't sell features is easy rule to remember. I will work on the no,no,nos next.
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  • Profile picture of the author mosd
    your About page right now about you and your company. It should be about your potential customers.

    How you can help them, and what's in it for them.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jennifer Hutson
    You didn't make your benefits exciting, your headlines are bland, and you have no angle. Also, you over-optimized the crap out of it for SEO, which is a huge no-no in copywriting.

    "Get your music heard by someone on the inside!" is a line that doesn't get me excited. However, "Get your songs in front of major record labels and first-class producers" is a line that would.

    See the difference?

    But on top of that, I would have clicked off before I read any of it because of the way the site looks. It's amateur and doesn't instill trust.

    Fix the template, create an angle and learn how to spice up your benefits. You also need to break up the copy and make it more visually appealing. No one wants to read copy that's in paragraph format. You need to scrap the whole page and start over.

    P.S. - Never use the word "literally" in copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author malaker
    I have always had a hard time making things visually appealing. I can build anything (anything I ever needed anyway) but making it look good has never turned out good. I wish there was a list of "great sales pages" that I could look at.

    Thanks to everyone for their input. You all got me thinking about lots of different things.
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    • Profile picture of the author Big Squid
      Took a couple moments to brush up on your design. I think it will help keep the readers more focused. [see attached index.txt file]

      I think you should focus more on their pain; the frustration of trying to make it in the music industry. You mention, "Most record labels will not accept demos." To me, knowing very little about the music industry, my response would be : Shit! If they don't accept demos, then how in the hell am I going to get them to listen to my music.

      It's a great pain point. And if you can come in and save me by offering your solution, you'll be a hero (and make sales).

      Hope it helps.
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      • Profile picture of the author malaker
        Originally Posted by Big Squid View Post

        Took a couple moments to brush up on your design. I think it will help keep the readers more focused. [see attached index.txt file]

        I think you should focus more on their pain; the frustration of trying to make it in the music industry. You mention, "Most record labels will not accept demos." To me, knowing very little about the music industry, my response would be : Shit! If they don't accept demos, then how in the hell am I going to get them to listen to my music.

        It's a great pain point. And if you can come in and save me by offering your solution, you'll be a hero (and make sales).

        Hope it helps.

        Thank you VERY much. Extremely helpful!
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