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Shred This Before it Goes Live Please

by Intrepreneur
26 replies
I've almost spent more time studying copy and trying to perfect my copy than I've spent on my product lol.

I've decided to allow you all to slaughter it, because soon CB is going to click on the approve button and then my product will be ready to sell.

I look forward to some copy slaughtering going on in here



Thanks
Mark
#live #shed
  • Profile picture of the author Matthew Iannotti
    link doesn't work
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    Okay...

    There are a lot of things wrong with your copy, I'll just touch on what I feel is the most important one.

    You've got this positioned as a preventative, not a cure... And people don't buy preventions.

    There's also no excitement, no "wow" factor to get me involved or even interested.

    Positioning it as a prevention, and not a cure of some kind is going to kill you... I'm not sure IF you can even position this as a cure, maybe "Here's How To Finally Speed Up Your Slow PC..."

    A brand new laptop is about $500 these days, a lot less on Ebay or Craigslist for a slightly used one... Unless people are ALREADY having issues due to a lack of PC optimization, they really don't care. People expect to buy a new computer every 2 years or so.

    I'm not saying there's not a market, but the way you've got it positioned now it's going to be an extremely tough sell.

    Good luck,

    -Scott
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    • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
      Originally Posted by Scott Murdaugh View Post

      Okay...

      There are a lot of things wrong with your copy, I'll just touch on what I feel is the most important one.





      -Scott

      My headline didn't convey that and you are certainly right, you taught me something and that's that I needed to make it more relevant but to say there is no market is wrong.

      It's a worldwide market that are struggling and want answers that get them there fast. I done my research, I've worked the industry and still do. Even Ebay and Amazon have the satisitcs to pove it that people want this information.

      I'm tapping into an industry that provided $62 billion worth of services in 1998 and god knows how much this year.

      It's the only industry I know too, so it's gonna prove my success or my failure but I'm doing my best to break into it the right way with a supportive and extremely complete PC optimization and maintenance system.
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    I didn't make it past the headline...BORING and it doesn't speak to your market whatsoever:

    All You Need to Know About Computer Maintenance and Optimization
    Best of Luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    What happened with this, Mark?

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...tml#post865558

    Brian
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  • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
    Originally Posted by Matt Jutras View Post

    I'm thinking out loud here but does anyone remember the example in Breakthrough Advertising where Schwartz explained how the sales letter for the TV Repair manual worked?

    I think that lesson applies here.

    Thoughts?
    Show the salesletter?
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  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    Speaking as the "average" PC user...

    I have ZERO interest in this:

    "...All You Need to Know About Computer Maintenance and Optimization"

    I don't want to maintain and optimize my PC. I really don't care about optimizing and maintaining my PC.

    I just want the damn thing to run right.

    Tell me that you've got tips on how I can do that with the click of a button, or in five minutes, or while I sleep, or without leaving it with my computer shop for a week, and -

    You've got my attention.

    You're missing the pain in your market.

    An apt analogy here is to consider why people pay $40 for an oil change on their car. The materials cost @$20 at Auto Zone. It takes less than half an hour to do a complete oil change (if you know what you're doing). And if you learn to change your own oil, you can save a nice chink of change each year (depending on the amount of driving you do).

    Yet, even during a recession, business is booming at Jiffy Lube.

    There's a reason for that: Most people DON'T want to know how to 'fix' or 'maintain' the stuff they use everyday. They don't want to be bothered.

    They just want their stuff to work the way it's supposed to.

    Who changes a lightbulb before it blows out? No one.

    You're trying to sell changing the lightbulb when it gets to 4,998 hours - before it blows out at 5,000 hours.

    Seriously hard sell.

    On the other hand, people WILL change the lightbulb if you convince them that doing so will save them money, give them better light, stop them from going blind, or help them easily locate those pesky dust bunnies under the sofa.
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    • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
      Are you sure people don't want to know how to do this? You're the second person that has said people don't want to know this..

      I don't get it, Google keyword tool, my customers, the satisitcs on amazon on ebay etc does say they want this kind of information..

      I welcome criticism of my copy but not criticism of the market, because it's wide open.. Wide open.

      The market is where my initial intellignece lies.. 10 years.. I think that asking for a critique of a copy might not be the best way to go right now.. but to get it recognised by more people for more proof that it works..

      Thanks for your help guys.
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        If you're talking to geeks or techy types, then , yes, they want to know this.

        If you're talking to "regular" PC users, then, no, they don't.

        You're interpreting the search keywords as confirmation that people are looking for technical information. You need to drill deeper.

        If youre seeing searches for "computer optimization manual", or "step-by-step computer maintenance", you'd be on the right track to aim for that market.

        Nothing about your current copy suggests that.
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        • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
          Originally Posted by Collette View Post

          If you're talking to geeks or techy types, then , yes, they want to know this.

          If you're talking to "regular" PC users, then, no, they don't.

          You're interpreting the search keywords as confirmation that people are looking for technical information. You need to drill deeper.

          If youre seeing searches for "computer optimization manual", or "step-by-step computer maintenance", you'd be on the right track to aim for that market.

          Nothing about your current copy suggests that.
          I'm totally confused.. I'mg going to go with my copy for now on the basis that I know my product is good and don't know any other way of doing. I'll slit test 2 different headlines to begin with and see what happens from there..

          I suppose even if I was the best copywriter in the wolrd, and no-one knew I was I'd still get the same responses from people.. because everyone has their own opinions..

          Looking at the top of Clickbank, is one huge example of how sales pages differ from copywriter to copywriter so for now, and because I am not a copywriter I might as well just sell what i know is working, and let the people who buy do the talking :-)

          I'm sure I'll make enough sales to get some money for a copy update.
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          • Profile picture of the author Jack Bastide
            Attention Frustrated PC Users ...

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            Your Computer Run Faster Than a Crack
            Dealer on Roller Skates ... Guaranteed!

            - Surf Porno Sites 300% Faster
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            etc etc

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          • Profile picture of the author Kyle Tully
            Originally Posted by Intrepreneur View Post

            I'mg going to go with my copy for now on the basis that I know my product is good and don't know any other way of doing. I'll slit test 2 different headlines to begin with and see what happens from there..
            So you ask for a critique, get 2 or 3 really killer breakdowns of a HUGE problem in the copy... and... because you don't "get" it right away you just say "f*ck it I'll just go with what I've got".

            The least you could do is ask for clarification to understand what people are talking about.

            Not only out of respect for the time and effort everyone has put it to HELP YOU with your copy, but for the simple fact that you'll make a bunch more money if you make the changes being suggested.
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            • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
              Originally Posted by Kyle Tully View Post

              So you ask for a critique, get 2 or 3 really killer breakdowns of a HUGE problem in the copy... and... because you don't "get" it right away you just say "f*ck it I'll just go with what I've got".

              The least you could do is ask for clarification to understand what people are talking about.

              Not only out of respect for the time and effort everyone has put it to HELP YOU with your copy, but for the simple fact that you'll make a bunch more money if you make the changes being suggested.
              No Kyle, I was stating my plan of action and that was that I did get good constructive criticism and I liked that but right now I have decided to go ahead with my plan to sell my product right away because I'm tired of trying to do something perfect which I might not be able to do any way, as this is already after at least 2 months of studying, writing, rewriting and really looking deep into the aspects of copy.

              It will still make sales (I hope), because I've built up a reputation for myself in places around the internet that are interested in what I have to say on the topic, so if it doesn't convert with them, then I'll certainly have to dig somehere for the money for a copywriter.. although on my page I have said everything (I think) that I wanted to say, and that I created the product to fix.

              I also have started to believe in the theory "When the student is ready the teacher will appear" and as long as I have positioned myself as that teacher my students will appear..

              It's a good product too, so I don't want it to fail at all but what a man's gotta do a man's gotta do and in this case it's just gotta be get this thing on the market because I really need to start making more income from my efforts, now that it's a year in and I'm starting to get the old nagging in the ear and threats that I'll be kicked out of the house, you know the usual old poor man's story.. I'm sure.
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              • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
                Regardless of what theory you do or don't believe in, the "teacher" better have a clear message that he wants his students to get...

                And regardless of how good the product is if the message is not clear then the students will be turned away because of confusion and lack of clarity on behalf of the teacher.

                Hopefully you have thousands of people who know about you because when you do the math you're going to need to have those sheer numbers of people to make up for the sales you will end up loosing due to poor conversions.


                Originally Posted by Intrepreneur View Post

                I also have started to believe in the theory "When the student is ready the teacher will appear" and as long as I have positioned myself as that teacher my students will appear..
                :rolleyes:
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                • Profile picture of the author Intrepreneur
                  Justin.. what else do I do.. sit and grovel that I cannot get my copy to the standards of a super copywriter or get off my butt and start marketing it?

                  I know that there are ways to help make bad copy good and it's by building a realtionship.

                  Right now I'm looking for a lightbox to get subscribers in for my follow up series. This will give people a chance to trust me (zero friction marketing) but I will in the future most likely see what Paul Hancox can do for me, as he is the copywriter that stands out right now.

                  It's do or die, and I am not for dying.
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      • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
        You're not getting it Mark

        This is about HOW to target your market (which you have not successfully done otherwise you would not be getting constructive criticism).

        Reread Collette's post

        Originally Posted by Intrepreneur View Post

        Are you sure people don't want to know how to do this? You're the second person that has said people don't want to know this..

        I don't get it, Google keyword tool, my customers, the satisitcs on amazon on ebay etc does say they want this kind of information..

        I welcome criticism of my copy but not criticism of the market, because it's wide open.. Wide open.

        The market is where my initial intellignece lies.. 10 years.. I think that asking for a critique of a copy might not be the best way to go right now.. but to get it recognised by more people for more proof that it works..

        Thanks for your help guys.
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        Originally Posted by Intrepreneur View Post

        I welcome criticism of my copy but not criticism of the market, because it's wide open.. Wide open.

        ...
        You're completely missing the point. Nobody is saying there isn't a market.

        However, what just about everyone has tried to point out is that your copy isn't targeting a specific segment of that market. Your copy, by trying to speak to the entire universe of 'people who use PCs', isn't really speaking effectively to the people who would actually be interested in what you offer.

        There are lots of 'wide open' markets that fall into this category. One that I'm very familar with is the pet market. Huge market. Lots of people have pets. But within that entire universe of "people who have pets", are people who have specific kinds of pets.

        People who own snakes, and people who own dogs are both "people who have pets". And both types of these "people who have pets" are going to want to buy pet food.

        But they're each going to want to buy an entirely different kind of pet food.

        Your "wide open" market is "people who use PCs and want them to work better". But within your market are "people who enjoy spending time working on their PC", and "people who hate spending time working on their PC".

        They are NOT the same market. And the copy that speaks effectively to one, will absolutely bomb with the other.

        Copy that speaks to neither, will bomb worse.

        Decide if you're talking to people who want to spend time learning about their PC and diddling about with it. Or if you're talking to people who don't.
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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    but to say there is no market is wrong.
    I never said there is no market, I'm saying you're going about penetrating the market in the wrong way...

    I'm really busy today, I'll jump back to this thread and try to explain in greater detail when I get a chance...

    I'm not saying there's not a market, but the way you've got it positioned now it's going to be an extremely tough sell.
    Thanks,

    -Scott
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    There's a whole lot of talk about the PC industry, and your qualifications, but very little in the way of benefits to the reader.

    In other words, why do I *NEED* to buy the product your selling? The sales letter doesn't explain it.
    How To Download Porn In Half The Time, And Play WoW At Twice The Speed - GUARANTEED!

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  • Profile picture of the author bbenson19
    Hi Intrepreneur, It's good you asked for clarifications but just my two cents you should take action to what people suggest. The headline, the header doesn't catch my attention. Think like Napoleon Hill. He made his book into some header but after a suggestion from one of his acquaintances changed it into Think and Grow Rich and it had been a phenomenal book ever since. If he continued with the old title, which I couldn't even remember, his book would never have existed. just my 2 cents.
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