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Looking for feedback

by Tradedog
7 replies
I would be very grateful for some feedback on this copy. It's a short negative reframe on 2 products which compete with my clients product (a give up smoking ebook)

My thanks in advance


Attachment 23665
#feedback
  • Profile picture of the author Tradedog
    The attachment I posted does not seem to work. If it does not work for you the copy can be seen at

    cocoallegro Negative Reframe - cocoallegro

    Thanks
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by Tradedog View Post

    I would be very grateful for some feedback on this copy. It's a short negative reframe on 2 products which compete with my clients product (a give up smoking ebook)

    My thanks in advance
    Eliminating the competition is a tried and true copywriting technique. And your snippet of copy does a decent job of doing so.

    One nit.

    The meaning of "T's and C's" will not be immediately obvious to many readers. You don't want a speed bump in copy... even if it only stops the reader (to figure the meaning out) for a second or two.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Yanno what?

    I got cigarettes humbled down on a treato ticket, an' your openin' section makes me wanna go suck my lungs off all over again.

    Oh, for burnin' fire of immortal rebellion!

    So you are right about the suck of mind kicks.

    On the flipsy (now you got me hooked again), trustin' thrust of nic to vein an' kick to brain, I am gonna need more than you got on offer from hypnotherapy, which is weird cos I figure lyin' on your back woowoo-in' out is kinda cool, an' way more believoville-friendly than suckin' on garbage, however doobietronic avatarial playfulness commands me to swank at this present moment.

    With Alex on the T's & C's — my nitpick is your choice of ellipse & dash deployment...
    Signature

    Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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    • Profile picture of the author Tradedog
      Hey Princess B. Would appreciate your thoughts on dots and dashes.
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      • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
        Originally Posted by Tradedog View Post

        Hey Princess B. Would appreciate your thoughts on dots and dashes.
        Turns out I am a Grammar Nazi.

        Who knew?

        I am kinda pernickety about punx, an' I figure a dash got the zip of electric flash whereas an ellipse is meandatory rather than speedily mandatory.

        So here are my adjustopunx.

        (Some commas in there also for Pedestrian while the modified punx punch up the Equestrian.)

        Flyin' on visuals here, so I hope it makes sense...



        Signature

        Lightin' fuses is for blowin' stuff togethah.

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  • Profile picture of the author RogozRazvan
    Actually, it sounds rather good.

    I would not name it a lifestyle disease. It insults the prospects and this rarely helps you. It doesn’t matter if you are right or not, simply saying disease and associating it with the reader will most likely lead to him leaving.

    Plus, when you slam the competition, you’d better show him why you are actually superior. I assume that this is just a small portion of the copy though, and that you’ll take care of that.

    In any case, a rather decent approach.

    Best regards,
    Razvan
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    • Profile picture of the author Tradedog
      Thanks R, valuable feedback
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