Looking for some healthy feedback

Pick up a basic book on copywriting, read it carefully, and try again.

Alex

thanks man, much appreciated

I agree with Alex cohen, however to give you something you can do right now to get response I suggest just be direct. Make a big promise, state the outcome they'll receive, present them with the call to action.

Reformat your content to flow like this...

1) Big promise headline - a big benefit you can guarantee from using your service.

2) State the outcome - You want to describe the situation the customer will see / experience AFTER they have used your service in detail.

3) Describe how the customer will achieve the outcome stated in step 2 - Tell all that is required of them to achieve the best result.

4) Address a flaw - Tell them something you're service can't do for them.

5) Differentiate - tell them something you're service can do for them that's unique to everyone else doing something similar.

6) Show some proof - your portfolio, examples, case studies, testimonials, etc.

7) Guarantee - self explanatory

8) Make the offer

9) FAQ

10) P.S. State another benefit to using your service.

This is how I've structured the pages for service based clients in the past, specifically creative based clients in music/film to sell their services and it works like a charm each time.

Hope this helps.

Take care.

Your wasting all your top fold real estate on your web page with an email capture form. Do a separate landing page for that. You are promoting video services. So you need to put your best foot forward right away. You don't have much time to grab someone, if video is truly your specialty, as soon as they hit your page, hit them with your best sales video you can produce.

George