Constructive criticism please

Talk to their situation (pain point).

Then offer the solution.

Your initial (blue) headline is prescriptive, and it's too early to be prescriptive. You haven't laid out the problem yet.

"WOMEN: If you're over 45" would be a much better way to begin.

What professionals...why this ebook?

Keep working!

What's your response rate so far? (how many people have signed up to your list, from this page?)

I'm only asking because if you're getting a solid response rate, then you don't need to change anything.



On the other hand... if I had to pick one word to describe what's lacking from your message. That word would be "credibility."

I don't want to sound too harsh here, but honestly, my first impression is it sounds like you're selling snake oil.


I mean, your headline says..

What YOU need to know about chronic disease is

Question... Why would anyone believe a stranger on the internet can tell them something about their chronic health issues, that their doctor couldn't tell them?


Then your copy says...


YOU can manage and reduce the terrible impacts of chronic disease (Obesity, Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Asthma, COPD, Heart Disease) using Simple solutions and strategies.
Reveal the simple steps the professionals use to help YOU take control.


Again... the credibility is "iffy" at best.


First, they don't know if you even have any credentials in the health industry.

Second, you're offering women a downloadable e-book of "simple" solutions, for a whole host of chronic diseases.

And I can't help wondering if your methods will also help women reduce wrinkles, and make them 10 years younger?

(OK, maybe I exaggerated a bit, with that last comment. But it was only to emphasize the point)


It sounds like your offering a simple solution for too many things at once.
And maybe your methods can do all those things... but so far, as your reader, I don't believe it.


Perhaps if you give a usable example of one of your methods, it might help add some credibility to the page? Convincingly describe one of your methods a bit, and maybe people will believe you know what you're talking about.

Or, get a 3rd party endorsement from a recognized health authority. And ride piggy-back on their credibility.


Anyway, just a couple thoughts for you to consider. (And if you need any credentials on my credibility, feel free to bounce through some of my other posts on this forum, and decide for yourself if you think my advice is worth listening to)

Best of luck with your venture.

Just remember... you're dealing with chronic disease here, which is a personal issue for people. Establishing your credibility first, will go a long way towards gaining their trust.

All the best,
SAR

Hi there,

Your teaser copy is much too general and (as others have said) lacks credibility.

I wouldn't go any further because it doesn't seem plausible to me that all chronic diseases have anything relevant in common with one another, such that something "simple" (your word) works with them.

If you do indeed have something simple and effective to offer, then give the user some good reason to trust you before asking them to opt in.

Good luck,
Marcia Yudkin

There's no empathy here.

I'd try something like:

Are You a Woman Over 45 and...

> sick of planning your days around the closest bathrooms?
> tired of being tired all the time, even though you sleep 13 hours a day?
> looking at a simple flight of stairs as a marathon?

And having those feelings day after day after day?

If this is you, we may be able to help.

Enter your email address, and in your inbox you'll find simple tips and techniques that may help you better manage your chronic illness and improve your quality of life.

[Insert form]

Don't take our word for it. The tips in this free guide (note: not ebook, guide) are used by professionals every day, and in the guide you'll find the sources that back up what we say...

Sources like:

> Source 1
> Source 2
> Source 3

Don't wait. Download your free guide now. You could be living a better life as soon as tomorrow.

[Insert form]

Very rough draft, but you get the idea...

Hi everyone,

Apologies for not replying earlier we had a microburst and knocked out infrastructure and power etc for last couple of days. I really appreciate all of the feedback.

My opt in at present is 3.92%, I have no real clue if that is any good.

In regards to credibility if I go that route I am guessing it would be wise to talk about my Masters in Clinical Exercise Physiology and my senior clinician position in a preventable hospital program? As well as my years of experience? (Many will say just focus on exercise but we typically look at multiple facets of someones lifestyle to improve overall health) (I can describe how we are different to Physiotherapists and personal trainers but I wouldn't on the opt in.)

I think the empathy route is the choice I will go with to test, if the above opt in % is poor. I could employ both by using empathy as the copy to opt in but below have a blurb about myself and a picture?

I could include in my sales page the objection that a doctor could provide the same information, in my and many of my colleagues experience doctors advice on lifestyle intervention is not always as in depth as it could be.

I could also potentially provide evidence such as:

Exercise and well-being: a review of mental and physical hea... : Current Opinion in Psychiatry

http://adispne.fr/wp-content/uploads...._27.03.15.pdf

A Comprehensive Lifestyle Peer*Group-Based Intervention on*Cardiovascular Risk Factors: The Randomized Controlled Fifty-Fifty Program - ScienceDirect


John that is excellent copy btw do you mind if I use it? This is what I am trying to learn.

Am I in danger of making the opt in page a bit busy if I do the above?

Once again thank you

Some good ideas already.

I think I'd just immediately call out who you want to attract...then just keep it short and sweet.

______________________

Are You A Woman Born Before 1972?

Please read immediately if you suffer from arthritis, cancer,
diabetes, obesity, smoking, or any other chronic disease

Free report reveals 15 proven scientific methods to treat and even reverse most chronic diseases

Are you sick and tired of...

>Popping a fistful of pills everyday and still not feeling any better? Discover the hidden
reason on page 5

>Painful muscles and sore joints -- gain soothing comfort. See page 7

>Yo-Yo diets that make you even fatter? -- surprising reason on page 8

>Blood pressure medicines that zap your energy and wipe out your sex drive -- natural
remedy page 9

There's no need to feel lousy any more:

>Boost health throughout your entire body! page 3

>Clear plaque from your arteries -- and prevent a heart or health disaster! page 5

>Rev up your energy levels -- so you can live the life you want! page 12

>And add 10... 20... even 30 more years of healthy living! page 9

My name is John Doe. As president of Health Shack, one of the nation's fastest growing lifestyle health companies, I want to rush you this report -free of charge- in the hopes that if you or a loved one are struggling with disease, poor health, or chronic pain -- you can use this information to take immediate action and begin living the healthy satisfied life you deserve.


Scientific studies confirmed by:
Mayo Clinic
National Institutes Of Health
Journal Of International Society of Sports Nutrition
Circulation Journal
And Many More
________________________________________________

I just did this off the top of my head very quickly and probably not so well organized as it should be, but I wanted to maybe give you a quick outline of a basic idea you could use.

I'm quite sure you can fill in your own bullet points etc., and rearrange the sections properly, change some wording, add some design work, etc.

What you have now in my opinion doesn't build much excitement.

Without knowing much about your business its almost impossible to give precise accurate help. Good copywriters will spend hours and days combing through every detail about your business and then land on one super glorious big idea that frames your whole campaign. Research, research, and research is what makes one sales letter, etc., work and another one totally become another failed attempt. The art of research is a skill that is often overlooked...

...so without any research I can only give you a very basic example.

Not sure how "into" this you want to get, but a lot of marketing strategies will devote one landing page to say each ailment. Arthritis one, smoking one, obesity one, etc. That way you target the page directly to one group...which usually gives you a higher return rate. Just an idea.

Main thing, like was already mentioned is to keep testing.

Hope you do well.

The information you have both provided is fantastic thank you. I will look up the copyranger thankyou SAR

I about rolled on the floor when I clicked through and read just this:

"Are you are a woman over 45 and sick of feeling like there is no solution."

I don't think you can solve that one. Haha

Seriously, the first step is to be more specific in the ad. Speak to only one of those people, not everyone.

What's great about is you can create different ads speaking to each, meaning those that click on one can self-segment. If they sign-up then you can segment them into their specific problem (obesity, diabetes, etc) and use an email sequence and retargeting to speak to them about things they would care about.

The landing page itself doesn't speak to anyone. The only audience I can tell it's for is tired women over 45, but that's really broad.

Hit them with their problem, then needle that before getting to your ebook being the solution.

And talk about the solution. Don't just say my ebook can help. Even though it's "free" that email address is a cost and their time to go through it is a cost. So you still have to sell it. And I'm not really sure what "professionals" have to do with anything.

I just reread and realized some of that may come across as gruff. I wasn't trying to be, but I'm too lazy to go back and rephrase.

Best of luck.

Hi, OP, I came across your topic and would like to offer some quick tips:

- I would start off with an attention-grabbing headline, instead of a screening headline. The headline is the ad for your ad after all. Once you have grabbed the reader's attention, then qualify them from the first couple of sentences.

- The offer part of your copy is okay, but it would be better if you build rapport with your readers before you ask them to do anything. Like the previous posts mentioned, highlight their pain points and provide credibility first, then make the offer.

- The bulk of the copy seems to be focused on the selling points. People make decisions based on emotions, so instead of telling them what your book can do, tell them how your book can improve their lives.

To illustrate my point, here's a rough copy I have written in 10 minutes.

--------

Can You Live a Pain-Free Life? Top Physiologist Reveals How

Are you fed up of waking up in the wee hours of the night from throbbing pains in your wrists and knees?

Are the signs of old age making you feeling unhappy and depressed every single day?

If you wish to liberate joint pains from your life once and for all, and start experiencing happiness once again, click on the button below and sign up for my free ebook.

Using advice from years of experience as a physiologist, you will learn

- how to get rid of pain from your joints with simple 2 minute exercises
- how to live longer and enjoy the great outdoors
- how to feel happy every day with stress relieving techniques
- secrets that your doctor doesn't want you to know about painkillers

Just click on the button below and sign up with your email address today.

You have nothing to lose, except your pain!

--------


Hope that helps! If you have any questions feel free to ask me

Add more description about pain and SPECIFIC benefits of reading the ebook, so they will have more motivation to download.