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Confusing, syntax-abusing text lost in poor layout seeks help

by Bjarne Eldhuset
22 replies
Hi! I've created a website called Vumiu.com. I would like some feedback on the copy. Is it clear enough what the site is about? I do not want to make the copy much longer, just better. Any feedback is appreciated!
#critique #website
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Hunsons
    Yes, it is good.
    Also be sure your UX of landing page is great.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    Thanks - anything in particular that sticks out?
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  • Profile picture of the author GordonJ
    Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

    Hi! I've created a website called Vumiu.com. I would like some feedback on the copy. Is it clear enough what the site is about? I do not want to make the copy much longer, just better. Any feedback is appreciated!
    Your site is a portal, a clearinghouse for lifetime deals. Apps, software, etc. You want to save us time from spending needless hours searching for lifetime deals, eh?

    Reminds me of the gym down the street, sold lifetime memberships, then a few months later disappeared.

    Good luck, but there isn't any real copy there to critique. But then, I'm not your target market, not sure who is.

    GordonJ
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    I see I should add an explanation at top of what i mean by lifetime deals. The site lists ongoing deals around the web (from sites like Appsumo and more) for various saas products. These are usually startups offering lifetime subscriptions for a one time payment to their platform, to gather a beginner userbase and get feedback and feature requests.

    So the early adopters get a great deal.

    The audience would probably consist of marketers/bloggers/online business owners/marketing agencies looking for deals on software.
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    • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
      Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

      The audience would probably consist of marketers/bloggers/online business owners/marketing agencies looking for deals on software.
      "Would, probably?" In other words, you built your site without actually knowing who your target market, is.
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  • Profile picture of the author Frank Donovan
    Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

    I would like some feedback on the copy. Is it clear enough what the site is about? I do not want to make the copy much longer, just better. Any feedback is appreciated!
    The effectiveness of your copy will depend on the type of traffic you expect. For instance, will it be from paid ads or from another site on which the concept is explained?

    For cold traffic, there's not enough info unless a visitor is willing to jump through the content lock hoop.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    YIPES!

    Where I supposed to LOOK?

    tbh there is so much on offer ... all spewed out so randomly punch-out-all-at-once ... prolly I would settle for a tequila date with Conor McGregor ... plus all the subsequential concussion.

    First thing you gotta do is lead me by the hand on whatevah you got.

    Show me HERE an' then HERE an' then HERE steada whackin' me in the face so hard I can't breathe.

    No idea what yr site is about.

    Took a look in on the link an' now I am reelin' from an infodump smack in the chops.
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  • Profile picture of the author SARubin
    Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

    Who Else Wants To Critique MY Copy For Free!
    Really? You're going to let me critique your copy for FREE?

    Do you usually charge people for the honor of critiquing your copy?


    Based on this headline alone, I'm not even going to go look at your page

    Framing and syntax, my friend... Framing and syntax are important.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    I sincerely thank you all for replying. I will think about your advice for a few days, and then try to rewrite the text to the best of my ability.

    I changed the thread title to better reflect what seems to be the current reality.
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    • Profile picture of the author OptedIn
      Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

      I sincerely thank you all for replying. I will think about your advice for a few days, and then try to rewrite the text to the best of my ability.

      I changed the thread title to better reflect what seems to be the current reality.
      Don't think you can do everything yourself. There must be someone in your sphere of contacts that can offer you some assistance.

      Don't resist spending money. If your not willing to spend money to help you achieve your goals, what are you willing to spend money, on? Approach your business with a pauper's mentality and you will wind-up being a pauper.

      While it's true that the latest tools have made it possible for anyone to be able to build a website, that is certainly a double-edged sword. Just because you cab do something, doesn't necessarily mean that you should, or are equipped to. Get some competent help. You'll be thankful that you did.
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      "He not busy being born, is busy dying." - Bob Dylan • "I vibe with the light-dark point. Heavy." - Words that Bob Dylan wishes he had written.

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    • Profile picture of the author SARubin
      Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

      I sincerely thank you all for replying. I will think about your advice for a few days, and then try to rewrite the text to the best of my ability.

      I changed the thread title to better reflect what seems to be the current reality.
      OK, now that you got rid of that other headline... I took a look at your site ...

      The concept looks pretty cool, I can see some real potential in what you're trying to do here. But like Princess Balestra said... the first thing you gotta do is get it more clearly organized so people know what to do when they land on the page.

      Right now I'm looking at the page, but I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do next? (except click away)

      Once you get the format and navigation clarified, then we can talk about tightening up the copy

      Again, Bjarne, I think you got some real potential here. And I'm looking forward to seeing how you evolve this site over the coming weeks, and months.


      All the best,
      SAR
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  • Profile picture of the author yodaOG
    Yes it is clear. It's just my opinion but I would retain more details if one of these were employed: a recap bullet point list before the specifics provided in the drop down menu portion; 1-3 brief anecdotes that illustrate benefit to whoever your target audience may be. Perhaps reaching out across generational lines to encourage more gen x participation as we are often wary of the start-up frenzy. The writing is clear, I just always find brief recaps as lists cement the information in our over-saturated brains! Thanks for this!
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  • Profile picture of the author AlanCarr
    The copy is terrible.

    The site design is pretty awkward (and your cookie thing obscures the headline).

    You really need to sell the concept itself more, and currently you're not answering ANY of the questions a new visitor has, beyond 'What's this about?', and even that is a bit of a struggle.

    As someone above mentioned, it also matters where your traffic is coming from, but as this is your homepage it really needs to nail the core stuff:

    What is this?
    Who is it for?
    What am I expected to do?
    Why?
    Why now?

    Stuff like that.

    I suggest that rather than bewilder and distract the user with 7 examples that you simply explain it, then give them the option of clicking something to see those 7 examples AFTER you've sold them on the concept.

    Hope that helps,


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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    Thanks for your help! I rewrote it a bit, but I've now hired a copywriter. Looking forward to what he will do!
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  • Profile picture of the author electricguitar
    Banned
    Yes, this is really a great website for sure.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mouhamadou Diouf
    Hey,
    For me, the headline could be better as well as the subheadline.
    This is your first chance to bring attention and get them to read what next. So I'd write something just to arouse curiosity.

    You don't need to mention your product right away
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    Just a little update. I've spent a lot of time time trying to improve the site. I know it is far from perfect, but hopefully it is at least a litte less confusing and syntax-abusing.

    What do you think of the headline section now?
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  • Profile picture of the author splitTest
    Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

    Hi! I've created a website called Vumiu.com. I would like some feedback on the copy. Is it clear enough what the site is about? I do not want to make the copy much longer, just better. Any feedback is appreciated!
    It's not horrible writing -- just not much of a product. It doesn't seem to help solve a clear, identifiable problem.

    So what if it makes you an "early adapter"... (That's not a clear benefit.) So what if it saves money.. (The software could be crap. Even cheap crap is still crap.)

    I would focus more on how the software will benefit businesses. What software is it? What does it do for the business? Is it quality software? What problems does it solve? etc.

    Drop names if you can. What company is making this software?

    In other words, your audience needs to know more about what they're getting, before they understand the value of getting it on the cheap.

    (And what's up with that picture? It adds nothing & looks like the group is in the midst of a problem. Software glitch?)
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  • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
    Just an update after a long silence. I've been working steadily on the site, and have changed it a lot. I tried to fit in long copy, even paid for good copy to be written, but for now I have ended up going for show, not tell.

    So I left the site open to access, while adding a slide in popup to get subscribers.

    I know there is still work to do, but I have gotten my first 75 subscribers, and the open rate of emails have been 43%. Don't know if that is good or bad, but I will keep working on it.
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    • Profile picture of the author splitTest
      Any possibility for us to have a peek at the "good" copy you paid for?

      Also -- why didn't you use that copy?

      (Just curious.)

      In any case -- thanks for the update! Most don't bother! :^)
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      • Profile picture of the author Bjarne Eldhuset
        Originally Posted by splitTest View Post

        Any possibility for us to have a peek at the "good" copy you paid for?

        Also -- why didn't you use that copy?

        (Just curious.)

        In any case -- thanks for the update! Most don't bother! :^)
        I'm not sure if there is anything wrong with that copy. Here it is:
        https://vumiu.com/front/

        But I just felt it was to "hypey" for my own liking. I know I am not my customers, but I have to feel ok about it to use it.

        If you see any ways to improve it, let me know :-)
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        • Profile picture of the author splitTest
          Originally Posted by Bjarne Eldhuset View Post

          I'm not sure if there is anything wrong with that copy. Here it is:
          https://vumiu.com/front/

          But I just felt it was to "hypey" for my own liking. I know I am not my customers, but I have to feel ok about it to use it.

          If you see any ways to improve it, let me know :-)
          Yes, I can see your point about "hypey"...

          Not to bash it too much, but it reads like the writer was trying hard to be a "copywriter" and forgot to be a salesperson. :^)
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