Is this good enough copy for a healthy habits course?

22 replies
This is from my home page. Obviously all formatting is removed. There are also 2 intro videos on there and 910 links to the course content. I would be happy for some feedback. Thanks

The Telos Lifestyle Revolution
Think Better. Feel Better. Be Better.
9 research proven question and answer exercises that will improve the quality of your life.
  • Are you unhappy with your life?
  • Is your mind full of negative thoughts?
  • Are you troubled by unpleasant emotions that make you feel bad?
  • Do you find it difficult to stick to habits that could improve your life?

If you said yes to any of the above then the Telos Lifestyle Revolution™ program can help you. It's quick, simple, and highly effective. All you need to do is ask yourself a few questions each day, nothing more.


Seems too easy? Well, why not put your trust in the professors and doctors who's research the Telos Lifestyle Revolution is based on and give it a try.

What do you have to lose? And if it does change your life, like it has for thousands of other people, it will be worth it.

"Answering Active Questions doesn't just 'kind of' work or 'maybe work' for some people. It works." ~ Professor Marshall Goldsmith

Click here now to jump to the first exercise - Active Questions.

What the The Telos Lifestyle Revolution isn't

The Telos Lifestyle Revolution isn't a get rich quick scheme. It doesn't suggest you to set 100's of unrealistic goals and promise to deliver the life of your dreams (especially during a worldwide pandemic). You don't have to have had an epiphany or a near death experience for it to work. And you don't have to dig up and talk about unpleasant memories from your past to make a lasting change to the quality of your life today.

How it can help
The Telos Lifestyle Revolution is a selection of research proven exercises from the leading authorities in psychology, behavioural change, and peak performance.

There are 9 question and answer exercises that will gently nudge your mind into a new way of thinking, teach you how to manage your emotions, and help you maintain these and other beneficial habits that will improve the quality of your life.
  • Become best friends with your own mind
  • Feel more confident and assertive
  • Feel happier and more motivated about life
  • Reduce and erase unwanted and unpleasant emotions
  • Come to terms with past emotional trauma
  • Remove unhealthy habits that hold you back in life
  • Create habits that you can maintain with ease
  • Combat the excuses you tell yourself to give up on your goals
  • Develop the confidence and belief that you can change
  • Redesign yourself a brand new you and a new direction in life
#copy #good #habits #healthy
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    The Telos Lifestyle Revolution
    Think Better. Feel Better. Be Better.
    Never, never use the name of a product as a headline.

    Always create rapport with your audience and address a question or need they already feel using their words. Do people go around complaining, "Gee, what I really need is to think better, feel better and be better"? No.

    What you've written starts off way too general.

    And when you get specific, you've specified something that is not the sort of thing people pay for: "9 question and answer exercises." People will pay for a method to create a new habit, but they will not pay for "exercises."

    You need to dig much deeper than you have yet into who your ideal buyer is, what problems they are actively worried about and how they would like to benefit.

    Good luck,

    Marcia Yudkin
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    • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
      Originally Posted by marciayudkin View Post

      Never, never use the name of a product as a headline.

      Always create rapport with your audience and address a question or need they already feel using their words. Do people go around complaining, "Gee, what I really need is to think better, feel better and be better"? No.

      What you've written starts off way too general.

      And when you get specific, you've specified something that is not the sort of thing people pay for: "9 question and answer exercises." People will pay for a method to create a new habit, but they will not pay for "exercises."

      You need to dig much deeper than you have yet into who your ideal buyer is, what problems they are actively worried about and how they would like to benefit.

      Good luck,

      Marcia Yudkin
      Thanks, that makes perfect sense now that you have pointed it out.

      I'll revise what I have written.

      Thanks a lot.

      James
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      The Weight Loss Habit: Say Goodbye to Emotional Eating & Stop Obsessing About Food

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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    @marciayudkin is this any better?

    Healthy Habits Create High Performing, Happy People.
    Your Journey To Maximise Your Full Potential & Improve The Quality Of Your Life Starts Right Here Right Now


    IT'S TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE

    Telos Health was created to help people just like you harness the power of your repetitive habits and maximise their full potential.

    Habits such as regular exercise, healthy eating, studying, and doing chores, but also empowering habits such as happiness, grit, resilience, assertiveness, mindfulness, positive thinking, and confidence.

    By creating new, empowering habits, and breaking old, bad habits, you will begin to unleash your true potential and ultimately improve the quality of your life.
    [JUMP TO COURSE]

    Health, Happiness, and Wellbeing

    • Reduce and erase unpleasant feelings and come to terms with past emotional trauma
    • Become best friends with your own mind so that it always supports you and encourages you
    • Discover the power within you to live your life on your terms and conditions

    Achieve Your Goals

    • Get stuff done all the time and eliminate your to-do list so you have more time to enjoy life
    • Combat the excuses you make and develop the belief in yourself that you can succeed
    • Make plans to overcome all obstacles until you achieve all your goals

    Excel In Your Career

    • Become an empowered and assertive leader responsible for your own success
    • Boost your confidence and belief in yourself so that you succeed in business
    • Increase your sales drive and motivation so you consistently exceed your sales goals

    Get The Body You Deserve

    • Develop a sustainable weight loss strategy that will transform your body shape
    • Change your relationship with exercise and learn how to love moving your body
    • Reconnect your mind with your body and boost your levels of energy and vitality

    START YOUR NEW LIFE TODAY

    You can begin the online and free Telos Lifestyle Revolution™ program today - Click here

    The program includes 9 exercises that require nothing more than some paper and a pen and are based on groundbreaking research from the leading experts in the field of psychology, habits formation, and behaviour change, such as Dr Marshall Goldsmith, Dr James O Prochaska, Dr Carlos DiClimente, Dr Richard Bandler, and Dr James Pennebaker.

    Where most other books and courses are full of fancy acronyms, anecdotal stories, and hyperbole, the Telos Lifestyle Revolution™ program offers effective techniques and systems that you can put into practice straight away.

    This isn't a get rich quick scheme, you don't need to jump up and down whooping while walking across fire, and you don't need to have had an epiphany or near death experience to gain life changing benefits.

    It's a very practical question and answer program with clear and specific instructions to follow that will help you make effective and long lasting changes to the root causes of the problems you are facing in life today.other


    Exercise 1: Active Questions
    By asking yourself some simple questions you can affect key ares of your health, happiness, and wellbeing:

    Increase your levels of happiness?
    • Find more meaning in life?
    • Become fully engaged with life?
    • Build more positive relationships?
    • Set clearer goals?
    • Make better progress toward goal achievement?

    In a two week Duke University study involving over 4,500 participants:

    • 67% said they improved in four out of the six areas
    • 91% said they got better in at least one area
    • Nobody said they got worse

    Click here now to jump to the first exercise: Active Questions.

    "Answering Active Questions doesn't just 'kind of' work or 'maybe work' for some people. It works."

    ~ Professor Marshall Goldsmith



    The exercises in the Telos Lifestyle Revolution program has changed the lives of thousands of people. Maybe it's time it helped change yours for the better too.

    [START NOW]
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    • Profile picture of the author SARubin
      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      Healthy Habits Create High Performing, Happy People.
      Yeah James,
      That headline is not great.

      3 powerful ingredients to a high performing headline are...

      - Self interest
      - Newsworthiness
      - Curiosity

      Of the 3, self interest is the highest priority. Because people want to know what's in it for them, before they give you their attention.

      Think of curiosity and newsworthiness as siblings that enhance the self interest ingredient. And if you can get all 3 parts in there, then you've got the makings of a powerful headline.



      Right now your headline barely touches on any of those 3 factors

      Healthy Habits Create High Performing, Happy People.

      First response... Yeah, OK, good to know, I guess. But so what?

      Like Marcia said - Bland, generic, could apply to anybody or nobody. (Almost sounds like a meme that could be attached to a picture of a kitten doing pushups)


      Better would be...

      New Healthy Habits Course Turns You Into a High Performing, Happy Person.

      OK, that headline sucks too. But at least the word "new" starts to touch on newsworthiness, and the word "you" brings a little self interest into it.


      Maybe something like...

      This One Healthy Habit Will Turn You Into a High Performing, Happy Person in as Little as 30 Days.

      Not great, but the word "this" adds a touch of curiosity (hmm, you're talking about 1 thing in particular. I wonder what it might be?) And "as little as 30 days" makes it sound like it's fairly quick to implement.


      Can you see the direction we're going here, brother?


      I recommend you write a dozen or more headlines with the 3 main ingredients in mind, and I believe you'll start to see some real gems show up on your list.

      Then you can pick the top 3 or 4 and split test them with your traffic. (because no matter what I say about your copy, it always comes down to testing and measuring your own results, with your own traffic)


      Of course the effectiveness of this copy depends largely on where your traffic is coming from, and how predisposed your visitors are to receiving, and believing, the message when they land on your page. (based on your marketing and how you're bringing them in)

      All the best,
      Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      Hellor Silver007A,

      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      Healthy Habits Create High Performing, Happy People
      Something Hershell Gordon Lewis once taught me.

      1. Use single-syllable words in headlines as much as possible

      Address this: Of the seven words in your headline, only 1 is a single syllable word

      2. Never use effort or work words in headlines

      Address this: 3 of the words are "effort" or "work" words - Habits, Create, & Performing

      3. Headline should speak directly to the person, not a group

      Address this: Happy People is not personable

      4. Never use punctuation in headlines

      Address this: Headline is using a comma

      ALWAYS REMEMBER: Headlines must always be punchy, short, and speak directly to the person.

      So I ask you,

      Do people want to be high-performing or have more energy?
      Do people want to create or have it made for them?
      Do people want habits or simple steps?
      Do people want healthy or easy lifestyle?
      Do people want to be happy or more fulfilled?

      You get the picture!

      Chinchilla
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  • Profile picture of the author marciayudkin
    Yes, it's better.

    But now it's so general and generic, I can't imagine how it's going to grab someone so they feel it's a must-buy.

    The exercises in the Telos Lifestyle Revolution program has changed the lives of thousands of people.
    If that's true, then give us some quotes from those people that demonstrate, specifically and convincingly, how their lives improved. If it's true not for your own clients but only for the clients of the people you cite, then you have much work to do. Get your own clients first - volunteers if necessary - and then get lots of quotes from them. Otherwise this is like vanilla milk - too bland.

    Marcia Yudkin
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate your input.

    I'm not sure if it changes anything, but the content I posted is for my home page. It's not a sales page. I don't think my sales page would be much better either btw.
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  • Profile picture of the author DABK
    Your homepage should tell the people you want that they're on the right webpage.


    Tell them why.


    Tell them what you want them to do.


    Wanna be happier? You're in the right place coz I'll show you how you can be happier than you've ever been in 3 easy steps.


    Take it out of your area:
    you land on a page that says, in big letter:

    Mortgage Rates Are Increasing
    Then goes on an analysis of what they used to be in 2005, in 2010, today.


    At the very bottom, it says:
    To apply for a loan, click here:


    Now compare this:
    First thing you see is two buttons:


    Rates are low
    Click here to see how much house you qualify for


    and the second buttons says


    Lower your rates. Click here to see how much you can save a month.


    Nothing else.


    Which web page do you think would get someone looking for a mortgage loan to convert visitors into applications?


    Why do you think your home page should not be a sale page? It may not be as focused, but it's still a sale page... it's selling them on doing whatever you want them to do next. You want them to visit your product page? To give you an email address? Doesn't matter, you have to sell them on the idea.


    They may be in the mood of buying what you're selling, but not on buying it from you. Your job is to get them in the mood...


    Keep in mind how you get them to your homepage. If they find you via keywords, they're interested in the what. If they do it in response to an ad, they may be interested in the what you sell and curious about you.


    Your homepage has to match their expectations and lead them to the next step.
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  • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
    Gotta agree that your headline reads more like a statement or factoid.

    Same as Ants Are Six-legged Insects Found In Underground Nests.

    We can all walk by such stuffs bcs this ain't sayin' nuthin'.

    Do You Fear Being Eaten Alive By CRITTERS? reads more like a headline.

    Yeah, bcs if'n you don't purchase our speshl ant blitzah spray an' blitz evry square inch of your basement, them ants gonna rise up like an angry MOB an' burrow into your brain while you sleepin'.

    You gotta compel sum kinda movement -- toward the light or away from darkness.

    Speshly for yogah pants.

    Might seem this all about serenity an' bein' at one with the Cosmos -- like we all 'get' your headline.

    But them pants wanna mess with your head.

    Bcs without 'em, troo serenity will nevah, evah be thine -- gonna dance forevah on the horizon jus' outa reach.

    Plus also, if'n you buy any othah brand they might split open an' reveal more of your inner karma than you wanna.

    So ima lookin' for a sweet spot ... movement away from bad stuff, toward good stuff.

    You gotta have momentum in your headline othahwise nuthin' gonna happen.
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    A lot of great input that I really, really appreciate.

    I'm going to work on it again.

    I might just see if I can get the strapline right before going further.

    Thanks again all :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    So, it seems I don't have what it takes to be a copywriter then. It's a shame, because I've read a lot on the subject, really love writing, and desperately need to make some money.

    I mostly read and write fact based literature. I've only just started reading fiction again to try to add some emotion and description to my writing. Most of what I write at the moment are 1-2 minute video scripts and related material that break down major research papers. You don't get much drier than that, but I really enjoy it. I enjoy reading research papers lol..

    But here's the thing - the main point of my course isn't about habits. Habits is just the vehicle to get to the destination.

    For thirty plus years I have immersed myself in discovering how to be happy. I know it sounds weird, but decades ago I looked around me and realised that a lot of people, even the rich, successful, and famous were mostly deep down inside very unhappy within themselves.

    Due to that observation I started reading psychology when I was teenager. I've never stopped, except for branching out to include other fields. I've owned and run clinics in Spain and the UK. I've worked with some of the best in the field.

    Here's what I've found so far: most of the therapy out there is just firefighting. Pasting over cracks. It's fixing the symptom and not the problem.

    Some have cracked the code. Professors Prochaska and DiClemente have a 55-75% success rate at helping people with life challenging addictions, like alcohol, smoking, drugs, and overeating. They never ask them to stop. They have the person ask the right questions that lead to better answers, and they then just choose to change, naturally.

    I'm in the fortunate position to draw from their work and many other celebrated professors and doctors and bring the best parts together in one program. I think due to professional pride they are inhibited from cherry picking from colleagues and maybe rivals. Maybe they haven't had the time either. I have.

    The program I created goes right to the core of the person. It changes them from the centre out.

    For instance, if you want to lose weight (I have a book on this with equally bad cover copy :-/ ), then my program changes how you think, feel, and act in relation to food and healthy living in general. You won't need to try to do anything. You will just change. Become a different person. You will start to think, feel, and act differently. Naturally. Apart from answering some questions, yes, effort there, you won't need to do anything else that you won't effortlessly choose to do.

    It's not just happiness that you can change, but many areas of your life that are habitual, such as all of your repetitive thoughts and feelings. Never feel bad again. Never have unpleasant thoughts again.

    I can attest to it because right now life is crapping on me from all angles (and I really mean that :-/ ) But, because of exactly what I have put into that program, I feel happy, relaxed, focused, and motivated (it's actually whatever thoughts and emotions you need for the moment, but you get the idea).

    So, I would prefer my strapline to be, "how to feel happy, fantastic, and motivated, even when life is throwing you curve balls", because I think that sums it up better.

    But... motivated... that seems to be a dirty word nowadays, and fantastic, is too fantastic. This is where I start to stumble again... with the words to describe it succinctly, fairly, and accurately.
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    • Profile picture of the author SARubin
      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      So, it seems I don't have what it takes to be a copywriter then.
      I disagree, James.

      Just reading what you've already written tells me you do have what it takes to be a copywriter.

      I just visited your webpage and it isn't too bad (the copy definitely looks better on the page than it does in this thread).


      I've worked on a few winning campaigns in the self help / self development industry and I do have a couple small suggestions off the cuff...

      The main thing I would work on right now is your headline, and opening lede. The first 50 words of your copy are more important than the next 200 words, because if the opening doesn't pull people in, then they'll never read the rest of it anyway.


      One critical thing that's missing from your opening is relating to your prospects pain. You need to make the shitstorm that is their life bigger and more real, right from the beginning. We need to stir the pot and bring the scum up from the bottom before we can skim it off the top. We need to rip off the scab before we can clean the wound. (yes, I have a few more analogies I could add, but I think we all get the idea)

      I know, I know... You don't want to make people feel worse about themselves, (I can tell by reading your copy. It's all very uplifting) but unless you tap into the pain they're trying to get away from then you're going to have a hard time bringing up the emotional triggers that motivate them into action.

      In fact, by not talking about the pain few people will believe that you honestly know what they're going through.

      I've lived with bouts of clinical depression my entire life and I can tell you without hesitation, anyone who tries to cheer me up when I'm surrounded by the gray, is begging to be punched in the face.

      But the few who have come down to my level first, and get me to believe that they understand, have been the ones who sometimes help guide me back to the light.

      So if you truly believe your program can help people, you're actually doing people a great dis-service by not stirring the pot, and relating to their pain first.


      Another thing I've discovered in the self help industry is "proof is paramount"

      Because in the self help industry people have a strong desire to believe in possibilities. But most people also have a strong skeptical streak.

      In part because there's so much metaphysical snake oil (aka. bullshit) being sold in this niche.


      And finally... Where is your traffic coming from? DABK already brought this up, but it's worth repeating because it's that important.
      The mindset people are in just before they land on your page plays a HUGE role in what you should have for the headline and opening lede.


      So if you're advertising directly to people, how are you targeting them?
      Are they people who have bought self help programs before? The more they've spent on similar programs, and the more recently they've bought, the better.


      Or are you sending out emails to your list? Or participating on social media platforms for promotion? In this case one thing that has shown to boosts conversions is having a relatable persona. A trustworthy guide like in a heroes journey. The relatable persona / guide in this case is you. You're the Yoda to their Luke Skywalker, helping them find their inner strength and guiding them to their true destiny.

      The message you use to bring people to your site, is the story you need to continue with your opening copy. The smooth flow will help lead to more conversions



      In conclusion: Yes, you do have what it takes to be a copywriter (you've already proven it)

      Stir up the pain before you present the solution

      Proof elements are paramount

      Your advertising that brings people to your page determines what your opening should be



      Best of luck to you man. And remember, getting better at copywriting takes practice. Just like creating new habits takes practice, right?
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      • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
        Originally Posted by SARubin View Post

        We need to stir the pot and bring the scum up from the bottom before we can skim it off the top. We need to rip off the scab before we can clean the wound. (yes, I have a few more analogies I could add, but I think we all get the idea)
        "Burst the buboe before we can soak in the spa pool."

        Main thing for the OP is, if'n you got a slooshin -- credible an' proven -- next stop is to figure how an' why this gonna work for evrywan else.

        It is like gowin' dancin'.

        Lure to floor.

        Ain't no reason nowan gonna shimmy along less'n you point the spotlight on yusself an' cast rivals into the shadow.

        Now you got DIRECTION: eithah you walk toward Moi or stay stuck where you are.

        Next comes the floor part.

        Here's where you transfer stuff as equal exchangers.

        * Sequins for slooshins.

        * Cash for ... uhm ... more sequins actschlly -- plus mebbe a House Puma.

        Now I revisit your original copy, it seems kinda distant, like you pointin' up the miraculature of evrywan sayin' why this all so great, steada takin' a more personal way through.

        I would wanna take your las' comment (the personal) an' splice it with the original (kinda distant) offah -- an' see what happens.

        You got 2 voices gowin' on -- an' they gotta meet up as ONE THING before you got a dialog steada a threesum.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      Hellor Silver007A

      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      So, it seems I don't have what it takes to be a copywriter then.
      Put the self-pity away.

      Copywriters, I included, struggle with this CRAFT! And I've been at it for 28 years!!!

      It is the nature of this beast.

      It is ALWAYS a work in progress.

      The secret to writing SALES COPY is targeting emotional triggers with your reader.

      DROP THE LOGIC!!!

      Like you, I too can write some of the greatest, boring pieces on earth because it's EASY!

      COPYWRITING IS HARD!!!!

      HAS BEEN!

      ALWAYS WILL BE!!!

      Let that sink in because it takes sheer tenacity to grab this bull by its horns and ride it.

      What you have before you is a real-life, in your face CHALLENGE.

      Are you up for it?

      Chinchilla
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    • Profile picture of the author Declan O Flaherty
      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      So, it seems I don't have what it takes to be a copywriter then. It's a shame, because I've read a lot on the subject, really love writing, and desperately need to make some money.

      Build a list. Create rapport with your audience. Demonstrate your intentions. You need less copywriting skills to sell to a person who likes and trusts you.

      You can work on your copy. Until you're there, focus on things like trust, likability, simplicity.

      Obvious Adams is a nice little read. Unfortunately we have learned every which way from Sunday to make the simple things complicated. If your copy isn't yet up to scratch; don't force it. You'll turn more people off, than on.
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      quicker. I’m sexier. I’m prob’ly lying to you.
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      • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
        Originally Posted by Declan O Flaherty View Post

        Build a list. Create rapport with your audience. Demonstrate your intentions. You need less copywriting skills to sell to a person who likes and trusts you. .
        I don't have much of an audience, if any. When i provided therapy, I never asked for contact information.

        This product is all online and I don't have an online audience.
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        • Profile picture of the author Declan O Flaherty
          Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

          "How To Love The Life You Live Even When It Gets Tough"

          Any better?
          Has been said 13.76 billion times already.

          You're not talking to anyone James. You're just saying stuff. You'd get a better response by saying...

          This is what the experts recommend when life kicks you in the teeth

          I wouldn't use that of course, but you get my point? You have to come at me with something different. I think I read a similar headline to yours on my cousins Fakebook newsfeed the other day. And he's pretty much a moron who finds it difficult to stand upright.

          Everyone is a philosopher. Everyone is an expert. Everyone, including my brain dead cousin thinks they're a guru. If you don't come at me with something different, unique; something that makes me pay attention for real, then you're just noise.

          Tony 'the symptom, not problem solver' Robbins can get away with "How To Love The Life You Live Even When It Gets Tough" - but you just sound like my cousin.

          Don't take that the wrong way mate. I'm not having a go. If you're not different, you're just the same. And let's be fair, in the self help arena you have literally everybody as your competition, even the people who aren't selling stuff online.

          Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post


          This product is all online and I don't have an online audience.
          I know how that goes James. When I was a baby I couldn't walk. Look at me now? Prob'ly a good idea to start thinking about building that audience and warming them up. Baby steps. Soon enough you'll be walking, then running.
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          • Profile picture of the author Princess Balestra
            Originally Posted by Declan O Flaherty View Post

            If you're not different, you're just the same.

            Elevation + gravitas + srs twist.


            Yup -- for sure I would wear that bra.
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    @SARubin
    @ThePromotionalGuy

    Thank you both for the response. It took me 20 years to get a 5th dan in martial arts. It looks like I just need to stick with copywriting a it longer too :-)

    I did steer clear of hitting the pain points in this copy and maybe I was mislead or have misunderstood.

    As for a headline, is this any better?

    "How to be happy, motivated, and energised, even when life is throwing you curve balls."

    At the moment I am focusing on creating videos that offer a 1-2 breakdown of the most important research papers written on health, wellbeing, and mindset. I then share them a lot on social media. I call it RESEARCH PAPER BREAKDOWN.

    I do have scripts for a webinar but no money to advertise it. It had amazing conversion rates (50%-75%) for watching when I did do some FB advertising. However, I hired the wrong person to help me with FB ads and it all went pear shaped for a while :-)
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    • Profile picture of the author ThePromotionalGuy
      Hellor Silver007A

      Originally Posted by Silver007A View Post

      As for a headline, is this any better?

      "How to be happy, motivated, and energised, even when life is throwing you curve balls."
      Better!

      You're on the right track.

      Now tighten it up.

      Chinchilla
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    @Princess-Balestra If I understand you, I need to define my voice and be more congruent?
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  • Profile picture of the author Silver007A
    "How To Love The Life You Live Even When It Gets Tough"

    Any better?
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