Copywriting feedback sought

Think that perhaps if you differentiated the first headline, i.e. "Read on to learn.." from the text (headline?) below it, i.e. "Now, for the first time..."

In fact I think personally I would space out that part as well.

Possibly might be worth considering using more subtitles and shorter paragraphs in the main body.

Regards,

-Vish.

Well, the headline and subhead is not terrible. I think you should make the headline block more bold, to clearly differentiate it from the subhead below. Then I would cut out everything in the subhead after "Code of Silence."

It's introducing doubt not generating attention.

The body copy has large, imposing blocks of text. This is a turn off. Shorten the paragraphs. Shorten sentences. Clarify.

And break up the text with 1) Subheads 2) Testimonials

You should also have pictures of you -- not a swipe from a PhotoShop tutorial (Yeah, I know the very one). Preferably you with the gurus you purport to work for.

Which brings me to my next point. You introduce lots of complex ideas, but don't explain them. Parts of the text flat out contradict what you say later....

Now, understanding your point about net versus gross, a thinking reader can tease out the real meaning here. Do you really want the reader to be thinking that hard ...just to figure out what you are trying to say?

Simplify the ideas -- a lot. Make the copy benefit rich.

Scalability? You might as well be giving a lecture about cold fusion. There are a number of ways I've seen this issue turned into a compelling benefit for the reader -- you use none of them.

This is a technician trying to write copy. And you're not "there" yet.

Finally, you gloss over what I feel is your major selling point while telling the reader "I'm not going to pretend to be able to teach you much, if anything, new about marketing."

Your strength here is design secrets that multiply the effectiveness of copy.

...What one change in a CSS layout file boosted response by 384%

...A "social proof chicklet" anyone can add to a page and boost response 32.7%

Instead you write "...build an HTML form that looked exactly like the reference file, and put the results into a database" ?! C'mon. Who are you selling to?

The copy needs one heck of a lot of work. Move from features to benefits. It might not hurt to develop a big idea all the techno-trivia fits into and try to communicate that. ....because it isn't even clear what the offer is.

Think more along the lines of what your likely prospect wants to hear.

Related:

Content-Free Buzzword-Compliant Vocabulary List Tips for rewriting words like scalable and cutting edge to communicate compelling user benefits.

You're right to put the quotes around "system." Judging from the offer, you haven't figured out why, nor do you have an alternative.

Benefits Are Not Just What Civilians Call Features about benefit directed programming, because if it's not in the product it ain't gonna be in the copy. And you don't convince the reader you've got the goods.

You'd do well to study the articles on the Design Crux site about persuasive technology design ...it's what you're struggling to communicate. ..it's systematized (no quotes necessary) the ideas are established, yet few even have a clue how long persuasive design techniques have been around.

How To Ignite Customer Desire With Benefit-Rich Copy

Thank you for the responses.

Vish, thanks for the feedback, I'll be taking it to heart.

John, thank you for taking the time to really break it down like that. I had debated whether or not I should even look for feedback at this stage, and your input alone has been worth it. Time to see how much I can incorporate into the next pass.

On the image, yup, stock photo - while in the draft stage, I am using a placeholder. Unfortunately for me, I have a face for radio. However, now that I think about it - perhaps that's OK for this site. After all, I'm kind of trying to brand myself as an "antiGuru", so. . . Food for thought.

Again, thanks guys. I'll post back after the next round of revisions.

In Firefox -- on my computer at least -- most of the text appears as grey, not black. It looks ok in IE.

You'll want to figure that out and change it ASAP.

Post here again when you do and I'll give you more feedback.

I'm in the process of revising it - I'll post again when it is ready to go.

Again, thanks everyone for the feedback here.

Ok, I have new copy up. I have, I believe, tightened it up quite a bit. It is also somewhat less sensational, which might be good or bad.

For those people who had visual/design/cross browser comments, thank you for all of them, and I will address them. I am trying to nail the content of the copy first, and will give it a final facelift visually speaking.

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.