Salescopy Disaster - yes by me!! Arrgh!!

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Hi Warriors,

I am starting to notice just how different content creation (ebooks) are from sales copy.

I write books and people like them and I great reviews - BUT when I make a sales page it all starts to go runny.

I'll show you an example:
The Complete Guide To Internet Traffic Generation

And people who get it tell me they love it BUT actual conversions are few and far between.

err...help!!

What is the main problem I have with the copy?

The thing is I have affiliates sending traffic that is hardly converting because of my poor efforts, and that is not good for anyone.

Honesty is appreciated as I want to improve my pages, and I already know through testing that they don't convert.

Thanks,
Colin Palfrey

P.S. I'm tweaking it every few hours in the attempt to make it better
#arrgh #disaster #salescopy
  • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
    Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

    Hi Warriors,

    I am starting to notice just how different content creation (ebooks) are from sales copy.

    I write books and people like them and I great reviews - BUT when I make a sales page it all starts to go runny.

    I'll show you two examples here:
    Young Online Entrepreneur Guide
    and
    The Complete Guide To Internet Traffic Generation

    And people who get them tell me they like them BUT actual conversions are few and far between.

    err...help!!

    What is the main problem I have with the copy?

    The thing is I have affiliates sending traffic that is hardly converting because of my poor efforts, and that is not good for anyone.

    Honesty is appreciated as I want to improve my pages, and I already know through testing that they don't convert.

    Thanks,
    Colin Palfrey
    For your Total Traffic Domination...

    Colin, I don't even have to read the copy.

    Your format is atrocious.

    Do yourself a favor. Take a look at the format of a typical Clickbank sales
    page.

    THAT is the look you want to go for to begin with.

    Aside from that, there's no headline to speak of...at least nothing that's
    going to get anyone's attention.

    You're using words that you should NEVER use in salescopy.

    Your bullet points aren't too bad. In fact, they're probably the best part
    of the sales page IMO. But nobody's going to get to them. You've got to
    grab people right away and that is done with your headline.

    Did I mention there is none to speak of?

    Another thing...you're too feature oriented.

    This line:

    This is over 10,000 words of pure content.

    Who the hell gives a sh*t?

    All people care about is what's in it for them.

    Benefits...benefits...benefits.

    Look, do yourself a favor.

    Hire a copywriter.

    Unless you can magically learn to write a decent sales letter quickly, you
    are tossing money right out the window with this thing.

    I won't even look at the other one because I'm in the middle of dinner and
    don't want to get sick.

    No offense, but you REALLY need to get a pro.
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      One other thing I have to add.

      You're trying to get people to part with $67.

      While that's not a high end product, that's going to require a hell of a lot more
      copy than what you have there.

      Your sales letter is literally ONE PAGE.

      I've seen squeeze pages that were longer.

      I'm not saying you have to write a novel but it's going to take more than
      one page of copy to get people to part with $67.

      Maybe later if I have time, I'll rip the whole thing to shreds.

      But please...get a copywriter.

      Somebody here has got to be able to do a better job than this for a
      fair price. I mean for crying out loud, you don't need Vin Montello, but
      you can get a decent sales letter for 1K.

      Think about it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Thanks Steven,

    This does clarify that the copy is awful LOL

    Time to totally redo it then. And I have to say its depressing that the only bit you thought was OK was the bullets...as Kazooli wrote those for me LOL

    My plan of action then: I'll go get some copywriting info and start studying, as this is a major stumbling block for me.

    Told you I was bad at it.

    Thanks Steven, enjoy your dinner.

    Colin Palfrey
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I've just totally rewritten the Total Traffic Domination sales page.

    How about now, thats about 6 ebooks worth of speed reading education right there LOL
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      I've just totally rewritten the Total Traffic Domination sales page.

      How about now, thats about 6 ebooks worth of speed reading education right there LOL
      This Is Your Lucky Day!!

      :confused::confused::confused:

      Please...get a copywriter.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I went to several Clickbank pages and all I saw was cheese! So I copied.
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  • Profile picture of the author kfk2003
    There's a warrior offering free copy in the WSO section:

    http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...ry-me-out.html

    I'd give her a go.

    Or if you really want to write your own copy then snap up this WSO:

    http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...r-support.html

    Robert's product is top-notch and the year of support is just ridiculous for the price.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I've had another go. LOL if I try enough times I MUST get it right.

    Hopefully

    Colin Palfrey
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      I've had another go. LOL if I try enough times I MUST get it right.

      Hopefully

      Colin Palfrey
      Copywriting is NOT learned in a night...please get a copywriter.
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    • Profile picture of the author Lee Wilson
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      I've had another go. LOL if I try enough times I MUST get it right.

      Hopefully

      Colin Palfrey
      Colin, I'm no copywriter but I can tell you two mistakes that hit me instantly and they both fill the entire top fold of my screen.

      1. The header is taking up the top third of my screen, personally I would do away with it altogether.

      2. You instantly start off talking about yourself and how YOU benefited.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Yes I did benefit by doing what I'm telling them to do but thought that a good thing to tell them.

    Ah well back to the drawing board.

    And yes I wish I could get a copywriter to do this but I am currently skint.

    Thanks everyone.
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    • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      Yes I did benefit by doing what I'm telling them to do but thought that a good thing to tell them.

      Ah well back to the drawing board.

      And yes I wish I could get a copywriter to do this but I am currently skint.

      Thanks everyone.
      See, this is what I don't understand about people's logic...or lack of it.

      As your sales page stands now...it won't convert...period.

      So all you're saving by not getting a copywriter is...nothing.

      You might as well take the product, package it in a free giveaway and
      use it as a bonus for promoting a related affiliate product. At least that
      way you might have a chance of making some sales.

      Right now?

      It's not even good toilet paper.
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      • Profile picture of the author Lee Wilson
        Originally Posted by Steven Wagenheim View Post

        See, this is what I don't understand about people's logic...or lack of it.

        As your sales page stands now...it won't convert...period.

        So all you're saving by not getting a copywriter is...nothing.

        You might as well take the product, package it in a free giveaway and
        use it as a bonus for promoting a related affiliate product. At least that
        way you might have a chance of making some sales.

        Right now?

        It's not even good toilet paper.
        Steven I agree but aren't you being a bit harsh. Most of our lessons are learned the hard way but they end up lessons that stick. Everybody in the marketing business should know the basics of copywriting even if they can't create good sales copy themselves, if you've got more time than money on your hands then what's wrong with having a go?
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        • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
          Originally Posted by L Wilson View Post

          Steven I agree but aren't you being a bit harsh. Most of our lessons are learned the hard way but they end up lessons that stick. Everybody in the marketing business should know the basics of copywriting even if they can't create good sales copy themselves, if you've got more time than money on your hands then what's wrong with having a go?
          You want to call me being harsh...fine. Call me an SOB for all I care, but I
          am also being a realist.

          If I need to make money...desperately...then I'm going to do whatever I can
          to make it. I spent money when I first started that I didn't have...literally. I
          was on the verge of losing my home. But I knew what I needed to do and I
          did it.

          What would be a crying shame would be if the book was really good and
          taught some killer traffic generation techniques.

          But who the hell is ever going to know?

          Not with THAT sales letter.

          Well, it's obvious that my opinion is not wanted here so I'll just bow out
          of this thread.

          Colin, I wish you the best of luck with your product...I really do.

          I hope though, at some point, if you see it's just not selling, that you
          WILL get some help.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I can't afford a copywriter.

    Not from reluctance but through physical lack of cash. The economy isn't to great in Ireland at the moment, and it has had a very definite impact on me personally.

    I wish I could get a copywriter, and it seems clear I need one...but I can't.


    And yes your right about its current chance of converting but there is nothing I can do except keep trying.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Hi Steven, the problem is I know your right.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jag82
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      Hi Steven, the problem is I know your right.
      Colin,

      If you can't afford a copywriter, then you
      got to start investing in your education now.

      And learning to write a persuasive salescopy
      is not something you can learn in an instant,
      despite what some may tell you.

      It takes a lot of practice.

      And practice takes time. And often,
      you have to pay your dues in term of
      "lost" potential revenue and wasted
      advertising fees.

      Either way, it's gonna be costly at first.

      If you got a seriously good product,
      I still recommend you invest in a good
      copywriter.

      If not, you can check out the list of
      recommended copywriting books in the
      sticky section.

      Lastly, check out and sign up
      to any newsletters from Agora
      (e.g. EarlyToRise).

      You will see plenty of persuasive
      sales copies there.

      Agora has got a team of insanely
      talented copywriters.

      I keep a swipe file of their letters,
      and I learn a lot just from reading them.

      Jag
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I have actually studied copywritting in the past, it just doesn't seem to click for me.

    The thing is I also never buy from what most people would describe as good copy, and largely because it sounds like my dad selling double glazing when I was younger.

    He was good at it but its left me with an aversion to good selling and the spectacular ability to write bad copy, that at this point seems legendary.

    I shall either continue trying to learn this, or do a JV with someone who knows how to do it.

    Its irritating beyond belief, as the product itself is very well received.
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    • Profile picture of the author Lee Wilson
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      The thing is I also never buy from what most people would describe as good copy.
      Colin, you are not like anybody else, don't presume the majority of people think like you. I made that mistake for many years. The reason most sales copy are founded on the same basic formula is because they have been tried and tested for many many years and haven't changed a great deal since.

      Like I said I'm no copywriter but I'll have a go at critiquing it for you.

      First, lose the fancy look and use a simple font, it's all distracting.

      As a customer I'm only interested in one thing ... "what's in it for me!" I couldn't give a toss about you unless it's relevant to how it will benefit me. Something like "I made the same mistakes as all beginners," "After two years I suddenly realised what I was doing wrong, just like you are now" etc, that might keep me interested but not until you've already grabbed my attention so these kind of things don't belong at the top unless they're real good, your's aren't.

      You've got three seconds max to stop me hitting the back button and I'm not prepared to scroll down unless You've already grabbed my attention. Not everybody has a high res screen so you better do this in the top four or five hundred pixels of the page.

      The first thing I see when I load your page on my typical sized laptop screen is almost half the screen is your header logo, it's the first thing I see and by the time I've read "total traffic domination" I'm already bored, I'm thinking "yeah whatever, seen it all before," and then one small headline that doesn't give me anything. "did you say traffic?" ... er, no, you did, and then you start telling me all about you.. I'm gone, I've just wasted three seconds of my life!

      The header graphic, if it's going to be this big then it had better carry a powerful message to make me want to read on. "traffic domination - (with a twist!)" Now that's not particularly powerful but it might, just might arouse my interest slightly because now I might not be thinking "here we go, it's another one" (yet) but you've now got two more seconds with your next headline to make me want to read the next sentence.

      What do I see ... "did you say traffic" ... you have slightly caught my attentin with "with a twist" but now you've blown it, I want to know about the twist and why this is going to be different, cause if it isn't different I'm gone. I want to know why it's different, why it's not like the fifty bucks I blew on the last one and how it's going to help me me me me me. I want maybe something like,

      "90% of beginners use the correct methods but with one fatal mistake that makes them lose traffic, not gain it"

      Now that might not be a particulalary good attention grabber, I don't know (and might not be appropriate to your product) but what it might be telling me is that all the other methods tell you the right things but leave out one vital piece of information that gets overlooked because the others take it for granted that I already know. Maybe your product has the missing piece of the puzzle? I'm interested, now I'll read the next sentence.

      etc etc etc ... and at no point am I interested in you!

      When I read throuh your copy all I see is how YOU learnt this and YOU found that out and YOU got it right. I want to know what I'M going to learn and how I'M going to get it right.

      Also you repeat the same thing over and over, there is no need to rephrase the same thing, I already get it... you learnt the hard way but now you've got it, say it once and once only, I understood it the first time. Every sentence has to keep me interested and make me believe you have something different.

      That's it, take my advice with a pich of salt, I'm no expert but hope it helps.
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      • Profile picture of the author Jack Bastide
        You have this line buried on you page:

        "My son is still only 9 yet he already earns more than
        many adults do working fulltime."

        Is this true??

        If so here is your hook:

        "You are About To Discover How My Year 9 Old Son
        Makes More Money After School Than Many Adults
        Make Working Full Time"

        Keep Reading And I'll Show You How!

        Jack
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        If you can drive Biz Op Phone Calls .... I'm Buying

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        • Profile picture of the author Steven Wagenheim
          Originally Posted by Jack Bastide View Post

          You have this line buried on you page:

          "My son is still only 9 yet he already earns more than
          many adults do working fulltime."

          Is this true??

          If so here is your hook:

          "You are About To Discover How My Year 9 Old Son
          Makes More Money After School Than Many Adults
          Make Working Full Time"

          Keep Reading And I'll Show You How!

          Jack
          Now there's a man who can write copy.

          Jack, I wanna have your baby.
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          • Profile picture of the author Jack Bastide
            Originally Posted by Steven Wagenheim View Post

            Now there's a man who can write copy.

            Jack, I wanna have your baby.
            ha ha

            Jack
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            • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
              Hi Colin,

              Okay, so the Irish economy is down and you're "barrasic lint" (skint). But you aren't tied to your home economy ... you have the WHOLE world to sell to.

              So play to your strengths.

              Now, I think we can all agree you can't write copy. So bang goes the "million dollar copywriter" career!

              But if you can write well received content, then spend 20 bux on a WSO offering your services as a ghost writer for books or articles (but definitely NOT copy writing!).

              Then - when the cash rolls in - you can get a copywriter to write your letter.

              May the road rise up to meet you and may the wind always be at your back.

              Paul
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              If you want to learn the dark arts of copywriting to increase sales or set up a prestige business
              as a copywriter then click here. Or if you want it all done for you then click here.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I've rewritten it yet again, any better?
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Bugger, back to the drawing board.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Thanks everyone, and Ill be doing a JV to get a copywriter as its just going to take way to long for me to learn.

    Hi Paul, yes I already work as a ghost writing, and am quite busy most of the year but this is always a terrible season for me.

    In short I've excepted that if I ever learn copywritting it will be in the distant future.
    Ill just stick to my strengths, thanks everyone.

    Colin Palfrey
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I've tried again, and a lot of effort has gone in. Now obviously that doesn't mean its good copy but I am determined LOL

    God knows the number of ebooks and webinars and phone advice I've received about sales copy recently, though putting it in to practice is a totally different thing. I think I'm getting it now.

    How is it, am I getting any better?

    Thanks,
    Colin
    The Complete Guide To Internet Traffic Generation

    P.S. I'm targeting the offline businesses that bought those $100 business website that are never even indexed. I am also assuming they probably don't know the technical terms for anything so have written the copy accordingly
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    • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post

      P.S. I'm targeting the offline businesses that bought those $100 business website that are never even indexed. I am also assuming they probably don't know the technical terms for anything so have written the copy accordingly
      Well you need to start by making clear, in the sales letter, who it is for.
      Say something that shows that you are talking to small business owners.
      People who have hopes that the Internet will bring them new customers to their local shop, and new mail-order sales from customers all over.
      Their site looks cool and it's got all the latest buzzwords.
      One problem: no sales!

      If someone like that came across a Web page, would they assume that "total traffic domination" is for them? Probably not. How about "Internet sales success for small business?" That's not a great domain name and title, but it's closer to what they are already thinking about than your title.

      Now, you have identified the problem.
      The problem is that the site is not making them any money.
      And they don't have any idea why.
      They did all the things they were told to do... by programmers and designers who are not salespeople, and who don't know how to get anyone to visit a web site.

      You need to educate here. The CAUSE of the problem is lack of traffic. The programmers and designers didn't talk about it because they don't know either.
      The SOLUTION is building traffic. Does this mean buying a lot of expensive Internet ads? Not necessarily. In fact there are 17 ways that for less than five minutes a day, with no extra money, they can start getting visitors to their site right away.

      How many visitors? It depends on how popular their industry is. But for a typical shop, such as (give some examples), it's realistic to expect that an hour a day doing the right things can bring a hundred visitors a day or more within just a few months. If a third of them sign up for your free email newsletter, how much better is that than buying more ads? If just one percent buy from your site, that's a new customer every single day. How many flyers, newspaper ads or Yellow Pages upgrades would they have to buy to add a customer a day, when the Internet can offer this for free?

      The catch: they don't know how to do it.. and their existing Internet team can't teach what they don't know either. That's where you come in.

      NOW there's a reason to learn about your book.

      Until it's obvious to you to put some kind of structure like this to your letters, you really are better off outsourcing as much as you can afford.
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  • Profile picture of the author JaiJay
    I just wanted to say that I admire how you are taking on this sometimes very harsh criticism and rolling with it. The copy has improved immensely through each rewrite that you have done. Keep at it...if you're anything like me you will look at 50 times a day and change something niggly each time.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Thanks JaiJay, this is something I feel crucial to any type of long term success online.
    It is driving me nuts though!

    Being able to sell is a skill I am determined to develop regardless of how unnatural
    it seems to me. I am just trying to view it as a psychological science, and hopefully I will eventually determine the rules.

    Criticism is only bad if you don't learn from it, which I am determined to do.
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  • Profile picture of the author cgallagher93
    Colin,

    I admire your will to succeed, I really do. But the truth is you can't learn to write decent copy in a day, a week or even a month. In some cases it just comes naturally, whereas others might spend years trying to learn how to write like Dan Kennedy or Vin Montello.

    Regardless of the economy, if you're going to succeed in IM you need to pull your socks up and come up with a way to MAKE MORE MONEY. If your ghostwriting isn't paying, then try ramping it up in some way.

    Either way the point here is that you must invest in your business if you want your business to excel. Otherwise, you're in the wrong place man. Many will try and try only to give up after several months and finally decide to hire a copywriter. Don't let yourself be one of those people...

    The truth is you're going to cost yourself MUCH more in time, effort, mentality and cash lost (by not taking action) if you sit back now and can't conjure up the balls to hire a pro. I'm sorry if this offends you, but I'm really not posting this for my own benefit. I just think you're in need of a little guidance...

    Hope this helps,

    Connor
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    I'm getting advice from copywriters so I am not doing this completely in the dark but this is a skill I need to learn regardless of how long it takes.

    I have always been able to explain things in a way that effectively communicates information to people...but the ability to sell an idea has always been beyond me.

    To clarify that point: If you wanted to know something, I could write a book that would teach you the information, but I would have difficulty getting you to read the book.

    I decided 2010 is my year to learn copywriting, and it's not just about my current projects but for all other aspects of life. The ability to sell one's self is something I have always lacked and not through confidence but through a lack of ability.

    This is a flaw I'm hoping to overcome.
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    • Profile picture of the author cgallagher93
      Sure Colin.

      Best of luck. If you're going to be seriously studying copywriting then I'd recommend either starting off with John Carlton's Simple Writing System or something by Clayton Makepeace.

      They should explain the fundamentals to you in a step-by-step banner, so you can truly grasp the art of selling as opposed to having to test everything out for yourself.

      Kind regards,

      Connor
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    • Profile picture of the author JaiJay
      Originally Posted by Colin Palfrey View Post


      This is a flaw I'm hoping to overcome.
      It's not a flaw, it's simply something that you haven't mastered yet. Nor have I to be truthful and it is MUCH harder work that I ever invisioned to begin with (I see you are at this point now hehe).

      You have a fantastic attitude though, it's perked me up a bit!
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    • Profile picture of the author Lee Wilson
      While I agree with a lot of what some are saying in this thread, I think you are doing the right thing Colin, good luck to you and don't let anyone put you off.

      If things were as simple as "hire a copywriter" then we'd all be rich. I'd hire a copywriter, a backlinker and an article writer and all my problems would be solved. The reality is it don't work like that, not quite anyway. We can outsource everything but we still have to learn first, and that's usually the hard way. There are only two ways to outsource, hire only those with great reputations so that you know you're getting the job done properly or hire by trial and error, both methods are expensive.

      If you can't afford those with the best reputations then you need to know that what you are paying for is worth it. No offense to your writing efforts Colin but it's pretty clear you could go on paying for services and never having any idea whether it's your product that sucks or the copywriter you hired. We don't need to be an expert in every department of our business but we certainly need to know the basics, especially when on limited budgets. If you don't then you're never going to know where your business is failing.

      I can't offer you much on your sales letter but it does look like a slight improvement, only slight though. The overall layout is much better but lose that font, it's distracting.

      Answer these questions...
      Why should I buy your product, what's different, what's better, what's your USP, what's it going to do for me that the other products in your niche wont. Why should I believe you.

      What do I want as a customer? ..
      I want solutions, I want BUYING traffic, I want it now, I want lot's of it, I want it to be easy, I want to know you're telling me the truth.

      I don't want you to bore me for one millisecond. I want every word I read to have impact and convince me I'm not wasting my time before bothering to read the next sentence.

      I hate reading. I don't want anything rephrased. say it once and say in as few words as possible. If you can relay the message to me in five words or fifty, I'll take the five word sentence, no matter how much the long version makes YOU feel better, unless it's absolutely vital. And in that case, I'll take it as a simple breakdown, maybe with bullets, they read a lot easier.

      I'm already sceptical before I even click on your link.


      So You Have Taken Your Business Online
      But Where Are Your Customers?
      I'm already bored. You haven't grabbed my attention. What's that really telling me. It's telling me I tried but I f**ked up

      I expect you thought people would just arrive at your website once it was set up.
      now your telling me I didn't know what i was doing, I f***d it again.

      I know that is often the way it is portrayed but there are just a few more steps you need to take to make this a success story.
      yawn

      Don't worry about the details for now,
      See ya then, bye.

      I'll explain all that you need to know,
      You just told me that, see above

      so forget all about your customer problems. By the time I'm finished they will be a thing of the past
      er, do what?

      I am going to show you exactly what is involved in getting people to look at your website
      ok so you've finally got to the point, but ... "show me what's involved" to get people to my website. Involved? people? I don't want to know what's involved, i just want an easy solution. And what are people? I want buying customers!

      So far you've taken a full fold of my screen to tell me I tried, I f*kd up, and you're going to send me people.



      Now go and study some sales pages and analyse the headlines, now do what they do to tell me how I f**ked it, you've got the answer and I'm gonna get money. Do it in as few words as possible, one headline if you can, or a headline with a sub. Blow me away, make me want to read more.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
    Hi Colin, I also admire your determination to master the fundamentals of copywriting. That will help you do small copy projects yourself, and better communicate with a pro for larger projects once you have a budget.

    Notice the sticky thread in this forum: "Top copywriting books." Many of them are free online.

    I suggest you start with Elmer Wheeler's "Tested sentences that sell" and follow it up with his book "Sizzlemanship." Since advertising is salesmanship in print, this will give you an introduction to a salesmanship mindset and how to look for phrasing that connects with your buyers.

    Next, I'd read Scientific Advertising.

    Those three books will give you enough education to appreciate the Gary Halbert letter archive. Start browsing a letter a week.

    From there, simply browse through the other recommended books and pick whichever most appeal to you. If you average a book a month, and a Gary Halbert letter a week, then you'll have a pretty good foundation by the end of the year. Sometime around the summer, you'll probably feel things click into place enough that you could really benefit from buying a course or two.

    I see that you're also a War Room member. There's some excellent copywriting material in there.

    So there are some long-term ideas. Now let's try to do some triage on your current sales letter.
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  • Profile picture of the author Colin Palfrey
    Thanks L Wilson and MR Enthusiastic, I'm going to give your posts many, many reads.

    My average time for viewers of the page (Excluding WF clicks) is 28 seconds. So I'm assuming they are reading down a good bit, and then giving the idea up.

    I think I'll print the last few posts out actually, as there were so many useful tips I'll be worried to lose them otherwise LOL

    Thanks,
    Colin Palfrey
    Signature

    I write articles and eBooks - PM me for details!
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  • Profile picture of the author camalus1026
    I'm no expert as well. In fact, I'm in the same pursuit of knowledge as you...

    However, I would take better care of your grammar and spelling in general, on top of what has been mentioned. I don't know about most, but I always feel like a person who is trying to sell me something informative loses credibility when they have this issue.

    Although your target market (at least those that would purchase your product) may be oblivious, I also find it ironic that the domain isn't a .com. Not to say that it's 100% necessary, but it's widely thought that .com's are easier to get ranked.

    I'd personally do away with the "may not be available at this price tomorrow" line.

    As it stands, in regard to the copy itself, it just seems too forced and a last minute act of desperation to snag a sale. Given the condition you're in right now, if they make it that far, there's probably no need for this anyway. I get what you're doing, but I just don't think it's quite necessary at the moment.

    You have a great attitude and I admire your determination. Best of luck to you on your product and your quest to learn copywriting!
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  • Profile picture of the author camalus1026
    Is this headline any good ?



    Just Because You Build it, Doesn't Always Mean They'll Come!

    Quit throwing away time and money... Discover the secrets to successful traffic generation today.



    Just throwing it out there. To me, it looks like it might be a bit basic, if not lacking completely.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    If a website falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it does it make a sound?

    It doesn't matter how good your website is if nobody sees it. You need targeted Traffic - lots of it. Here's a way to get it.
    Your testimonials could be better. They read like you've offered "review" copies in a WSO. Maybe if there were a dozen of them it would be better but these two alone don't cut it. You'd get more mileage out of a real customer with real results. Like "I had a really fancy website made. Cost me thousands. I put it on the web hoping to attract heaps of customers. I was getting about 10 unique visitors a day. Then I bought this system. Now I'm getting thousands of targeted visitors every single day and I'm making money. It works like a charm. Terrific investment. Got my money back the first day I used it."

    The copy is not bad. Spellcheck it and clean up the grammar. For instance "If your going" should read "If you're going". And for God's sake stop begging for the sale with lines like this - "I hope you realise just what a bargain this is". Don't tell me what a bargain it is - show me.
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  • Profile picture of the author JaiJay
    I've learnt a lot from this thread. It's quite amazing how different an original copy can be amended with just a few tiny tweaks, and thus give a completely different outcome. I have a lot more to learn still, it seems!
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    • Profile picture of the author Mr. Enthusiastic
      Originally Posted by JaiJay View Post

      I've learnt a lot from this thread. It's quite amazing how different an original copy can be amended with just a few tiny tweaks, and thus give a completely different outcome. I have a lot more to learn still, it seems!
      Stick with it and soon enough, you'll master the fundamentals and start to create your own style. This forum is a truly wonderful place to learn. Isn't it interesting how there can be several powerful hard-hitting letters with such completely different approaches!
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  • Profile picture of the author JaiJay
    That's exactly what I have only just begun to realise. I would never have thought previously how a simple re-wording of a piece of text can create such a vast difference in the response that it can create. I'm going to read up on this more for myself also.
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