Constructive criticism please?

A few things I'd recommend:

Most prospects in the weight-loss market have been exposed to a huge number of offers with benefit-laden headlines and result-focused claims (lose xx pounds in xx days). The upshot is that unless prospects have some pre-existing relationship with you, a sales message that relies on a "big promise" (even if very well done) is not going to grab attention easily, even though a similar ad in another market might be a blockbuster success.

This alone, I think, would go along way toward explaining why your offer was converting at 20% to your list but not at all to "cold" PPC traffic -- the things that are selling your e-mail list customers are not necessarily even in the letter, since people on your list have been "pre-sold" by the information they already have about you and the built-up trust stemming from that prior engagement. With a list, you can often get away with making familiar-sounding promises, since your relationship with your readers gives them enough reason to set you apart from the pack.

In order to replicate that success with cold prospects, there are two things you may want to consider including in your ad in order to improve your PPC traffic conversions:
1. Story copy -- establish who you are and how/why you can emphathize and identify with the prospect. Statements like "we know how you feel" won't cut it on their own.
2. An advertorial approach -- there's a truism that you should "make your advertising itself valuable," and that applies particularly in highly saturated markets like weight loss. Rather than leading with a headline that immediately announces a "system" for sale, you might try going with the kind of benefit-free (but attention-grabbing) "advertorial" headlines top direct mailers have been using to tackle the weight loss market in recent years. Here are just a couple of examples from top direct-mail writers Daniel Levis and Carline Anglade-Cole:
•"You May Be One Diet Away From A Massive Heart Attack!"
•"Why Anti-Aging Nutrients Don't Work!"

You might try a similar approach with the emotional/psychological theme Andrew Gould suggested above -- for example,
Video could also serve you well in this market, though you would want to test. Highly competitive, saturated niches like this one reward testing a variety of formats: text-only long copy; long copy broken up into several pages; long copy with a short embedded video; or a video-only page with zero text or just a headline a few bullets.

Consider reaching further with your guarantee, as well -- experiment increasing the length of the guarantee to, say 6 months or a year, or even a lifetime guarantee. This might sound dangerous, but the fact is longer guarantees don't increase refunds, and often actually bring them down. In a market in which nearly every product comes with a guarantee, finding a way to make yours unique will pay dividends. You might also want to consider offering prospects a low-cost trial of the product for, say, 3 days (or even as little as 24 hours), after which they will be billed the rest. Anything you can do to reverse risk in the buyer's mind will pay off here.

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have listened and have updated my page now to improve it...I still need to add video.

Have a look:

happybodloseweight.com/report.html

Thanks
Louise

wanted to thank you personally Zero!
Cheers
Louise

Thanks Skorpion

By header image, do you mean create an image file for the heading text, ie replace

"PROOF - Diets, Fat Loss Pills & Constant Exercising
Do Not Work Long Term: It's Your Emotions That Cause Weight Gain!.."

with an image of this text?

Thanks appreciate the examples!!

Thanks Andrew for all the tips, I'll look through the clickbank pages and apply what you've said.
Regarding 'I can't see why I should buy from YOU.'
Im a little stuck here, obviously putting the photo and what we do under it isn't cutting it.
What do you suggest to build credibility, a story about us near the beginning or building more on the section where we talk about everything we've tried that didn't work?

Cheers
Louise