I suck at Copying Writing - Help... Your Vote Needed. | Warrior Forum - The #1 Digital Marketing Forum & Marketplace

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

Roger, I don't like any of them. They're too long and they sound scammy. But a variation of #2 might work -

"A Big Mother FEDEX Truck
Backed Up to My Door
with $15,000 in Cash!"

BTW your myamazingoffer.com link isn't loading.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713425].message }}

DanPE

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

Roger, I don't like any of them. They're too long and they sound scammy. But a variation of #2 might work -

"A Big Mother FEDEX Truck
Backed Up to My Door
with $15,000 in Cash!"

BTW your myamazingoffer.com link isn't loading.

Attention grabbing, but in this day and age, why would there be a need for a fedex truck to pull up at your door with $15,000 in cash? and why would it be a fedex truck? and wouldn't fedex object to their name being used in this way?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713462].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

Originally Posted by DanPE

Attention grabbing, but in this day and age, why would there be a need for a fedex truck to pull up at your door with $15,000 in cash? and why would it be a fedex truck? and wouldn't fedex object to their name being used in this way?

1/ Exactly. You're asking "why?" so you're likely to keep reading 2/ Why a FEDEX truck? Because it looks good graphically, everyone knows what FEDEX is and it conjures up a nice image of something "anticipated" and valuable being delivered. Does "The postman delivered a parcel with $15,000 in it" have the same pull? Or "I got a cheque for $15,000". Or even "The Armoured Car delivered $15,000". We're talking cold, hard CASH - delivered right into your hands and signed for. 3/ Why should they object?

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713487].message }}

DanPE

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

1/ Exactly. You're asking "why?" so you're likely to keep reading 2/ Why a FEDEX truck? Because it looks good graphically, everyone knows what FEDEX is and it conjures up a nice image of something "anticipated" and valuable being delivered. Does "The postman delivered a parcel with $15,000 in it" have the same pull? Or "I got a cheque for $15,000". Or even "The Armoured Car delivered $15,000". We're talking cold, hard CASH - delivered right into your hands and signed for. 3/ Why should they object?

1/ I'm asking you why, not that I would be thinking "why" if I read it

it might work in the US, but you're going to draw a blank outside of the 50 states.

2/ It just makes me think, who are you trying to kid exactly? the ones that make me read are the "make $xxxx a year" or whatever ones, because that's potentially possible and can be done. Money is a universal attractor, and everyone knows what a dollar is. And not everyone outside the US knows what "fedex" or a "fedex truck" is.

3/ Well trademark dilution and all that, IANAL but I like to stay clear of brand names in ad copy.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713510].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

Originally Posted by DanPE

1/ I'm asking you why, not that I would be thinking "why" if I read it

it might work in the US, but you're going to draw a blank outside of the 50 states.

2/ It just makes me think, who are you trying to kid exactly? the ones that make me read are the "make a year" or whatever ones, because that's potentially possible and can be done. Money is a universal attractor, and everyone knows what a dollar is. And not everyone outside the US knows what "fedex" or a "fedex truck" is.

3/ Well trademark dilution and all that, IANAL but I like to stay clear of brand names in ad copy.

1/ we don't know who his target audience is or indeed his website - his link isn't working. But the U.S. is the biggest market. And no - FEDEX is worldwide.

2/ How funny. When I read "Make $XXXX a year" or whatever I immediately think "scam".

3/ I would argue that the term "Fedex" is generic for "delivery to the door". Just as "Google" is generic for "search engine". You don't say "Search Engine it" do you. You say "Google it". Just as you say "Fedex it".

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713775].message }}

DanPE

16 years ago

Originally Posted by Metronicity

1/ we don't know who his target audience is or indeed his website - his link isn't working. But the U.S. is the biggest market. And no - FEDEX is worldwide.

Maybe, but "fedex truck" doesn't conjure up images of money for anyone I know. Do you think of money when you think of fedex trucks?

Originally Posted by Metronicity

2/ How funny. When I read "Make a year" or whatever I immediately think "scam".

And yet you make $xxxx a year, do you not?

Originally Posted by Metronicity

3/ I would argue that the term "Fedex" is generic for "delivery to the door". Just as "Google" is generic for "search engine". You don't say "Search Engine it" do you. You say "Google it". Just as you say "Fedex it".

No one says "Fedex it" outside of the US

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713887].message }}

travlinguy

16 years ago

Just a wild guess on the exact amount and the Fedex truck... I'd say this is either a gifting program paying in cash (thus the exact amount and the Fedex truck) or an MLM that pays in cash. There are lots of them out there. Forgive me if I'm mistaken...

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713488].message }}

Cruiser

16 years ago

The Fedex truck line would immediately put me off. Where in the world would someone pay you with a truckload, I mean, you have armoured vehicles to transport money to banks!
All I read is SCAM!

If your method is really so good, why don't you use some of that truckload of money and hire a decent copywriter!

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713524].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

Originally Posted by Cruiser

The Fedex truck line would immediately put me off. Where in the world would someone pay you with a truckload, I mean, you have armoured vehicles to transport money to banks!
All I read is SCAM!

If your method is really so good, why don't you use some of that truckload of money and hire a decent copywriter!

Why don't you cut him some slack? He hasn't explained his product or site yet. And as I said above...oh doesn't matter.

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713780].message }}

DanPE 16 years ago

Originally Posted by Paul McQuillan

Here's what I think..... I need to go make a strawberry
toaster strudel. I'm hungry

They all laughed when I said I was going to work from home doing internet marketing, BUT... when they saw the strawberry toaster strudel pop up from my toaster with $15,000 in CASH... you could have heard a pin drop.
- Thanks
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1713902].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

"$15,000 in Cash
Sure Toasts My Strudel"

Thanks
1 reply

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1714015].message }}

RogerAderholdt

16 years ago

Hey guys thanks for your input.

1. The product is a 8 Trillion Dollar A Year industry.

2. $9.7 Billion of this product was sold in just the USA in 2008.

3. A company in Thailand sold 2,000 memberships in 2009 of this same product in their very first year in business.

4. The headline they all laughed is actually a TRUE Headline of my own life... except the amount was a lot of Fedex trucks with smaller amounts on average. My parents didn't know exactly how I made my money, all they knew is that every time I came to visit the Fedex truck was always showing up at the house every day. We ALL laughed at the fact... this is just too EASY.

5. Fedex is a WORLDWIDE company. I've lived and worked in 35 countries and everyone had a Fedex truck. Here in Thailand where I'm on vacation at the moment you probally have 50 Fedex packaging services within 2 miles.

6. If I make sooo much money why don't I hire a real copywriter? Well I've done pretty well on my own sooo far and was just looking for some input on which headline might be best to begin my testing with.

7. All FOUR of the examples came from a great copywriting book written by Robert Boduch who made a few million I believe in Mail Order. Great Headlines - Instantly... of course we all know it's not quite instant.

8. Personal Thanks to Metronicity for your valuable input... would be nice if the warrior forum had more people like you.

9. We are doing a lot of charity work helping the kids here in Thailand, so I'm just looking for a way to help others make some money doing the same thing I've been working with for 20 years. They make money, I make money.. I make money.. I have more to give away to people who REALLY need it.

10. In case you have not guest yet... the product is TRAVEL.

Sincerely,

Roger

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

Get entire State B2B Leads for only $20.00 or get 1,000 Surveyed MLM Leads for your business for only $20.00. Check it out at: http://www.mlmleadsbusiness.com/

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1716384].message }}

The Copy Nazi

Banned 16 years ago

Originally Posted by RogerAderholdt

Hey guys thanks for your input.

1. The product is a 8 Trillion Dollar A Year industry.

2. $9.7 Billion of this product was sold in just the USA in 2008.

3. A company in Thailand sold 2,000 memberships in 2009 of this same product in their very first year in business.

4. The headline they all laughed is actually a TRUE Headline of my own life... except the amount was a lot of Fedex trucks with smaller amounts on average. My parents didn't know exactly how I made my money, all they knew is that every time I came to visit the Fedex truck was always showing up at the house every day. We ALL laughed at the fact... this is just too EASY.

5. Fedex is a WORLDWIDE company. I've lived and worked in 35 countries and everyone had a Fedex truck. Here in Thailand where I'm on vacation at the moment you probally have 50 Fedex packaging services within 2 miles.

6. If I make sooo much money why don't I hire a real copywriter? Well I've done pretty well on my own sooo far and was just looking for some input on which headline might be best to begin my testing with.

7. All FOUR of the examples came from a great copywriting book written by Robert Boduch who made a few million I believe in Mail Order. Great Headlines - Instantly... of course we all know it's not quite instant.

8. Personal Thanks to Metronicity for your valuable input... would be nice if the warrior forum had more people like you.

9. We are doing a lot of charity work helping the kids here in Thailand, so I'm just looking for a way to help others make some money doing the same thing I've been working with for 20 years. They make money, I make money.. I make money.. I have more to give away to people who REALLY need it.

10. In case you have not guest yet... the product is TRAVEL.

Sincerely,

Roger

So hit that "thanks" button at bottom right, Dude. That's what it's for. Thanks!

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1716900].message }}

Mesha Casper

16 years ago

Number 1 is my favorite. I am actually very interested in what it is. So I would also like to know about your site.

But for me 1 for sure.
Mesha

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1716402].message }}

Mr. Enthusiastic

16 years ago

Interesting question, Roger.

Don't be afraid to jump in. If anyone takes a bit out of you, don't worry, they only have that piece o'you for a 30 day trial. They can spit it out at any time and get all their rabies back, guaranteed.

#1 is both confusing and unbelievable. There's a 2:1 range of profits, then another tenfold range of profits. So you can definitely guarantee I'll be somewhere within a twenty to one range. That's just confusing. And profits delivered by FedEx truck makes no sense. I'd rather have profits go directly into my bank account by electronic transfer.

#2 is nonsensical. "They all laughed" is a famous headline, sure. But the last thing I'd want to do with an extra $15,000 profit is flaunt it with some strange pile of cash bills, delivered by express truck no less, that could temp the neighbors to break in. Anyway, if there was a $15k cash delivery wouldn't it be prudent to use Brinks rather than FedEx?

#3 is specific and believable, and so is #4.

I'd like to see a headline + subhead that combines the best of 3 and 4.

Chris

Thanks

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1716423].message }}

Jennie Heckel

16 years ago

Dear Roger:

My attempt, yes, I agree with the FTC problems and $$$ in headline will get you in hot water in U.S. now...

Since you stated this is International and most Clickbank checks are FedEx delivery for signature required it all make sense to me.

Here are the Top Four I've come up with.

I like preheads... a little lead in makes the main headline not so long, I hate the over the river and through the woods mile long headlines...

So here goes: (pre-head is first)

YOURS:

1. Attention Internet Marketers: In less than 2 minutes, you could have you very own profitable website that earns YOU profits of $750 - $1,500 and $15,000 delivered by a FedEx Truck directly to your front door... 100% Guaranteed... or your money back.

MINE:

# 1. Attention: Please just give me just 2 minutes of your precious time...

I'll Prove To You - Understanding You Have Absolutely NO Experience...that
You Can Make Money Working From Home, You'll Be Thrilled and Your Friends Will Be Totally Shocked At The Thousands of Dollars The Fed Ex Truck Delivers To Your Door...

YOURS:

2. They all laughed when I said I was going to work from home doing internet marketing, BUT... when they saw the FEDEX TRUCK pull up in the front yard with $15,000 in CASH... you could have heard a pin drop.

MINE:

# 2 I sure hope you haven't given up yet... Is this you?

Have You Given Up On Your Dream Of Working From Home? Not Yet I hope!
Let them laugh, Because You Will Have The LAST Laugh When You Show Them The Check The Fed Ex Truck Just Delivered For Thousands Of Dollars In Cold Hard Spendable Cash!

YOURS:

3. For less than $1.00 a Day, you can get into the Fun, Exciting and very profitable business of Internet Marketing and earn profits of up to $15,000 per sale.

MINE:

What can a person really buy with a buck these days? A measly dollar?

Not Much You Say? Well You're In Luck, Because You Have Been Selected As One of The Elite to Join The Elite Internet Marketing Profits Membership,
All You Need To Do Is Put In $1...

YOURS:

4. If You're Really Serious About Making A Fortune On-line, Here's How To Make up to $15,000 per sale, 100% Guaranteed ... or your money back!!!

MINE:

Tired of all the hype around the Internet... well me too...

I Finally Found Something That WORKS!
I Make Money From Home, Never Thought I Could Do It...
Now I'd Like To Help You... 100% Guaranteed... No Bull, No B.S.

I guess yours are good but just don't ring the bell with me...

They do not have enough real raw emotion. Many of the Internet Marketers need to fall back on being REAL again...

Too much hype is killing sales... yes there are millions of new visitors that have not been dragged down with the over hyped sales pitches but the new breed of internet visitor is getting more savvy year after year.

I would plow more empathy in your headlines, I would use a pre-head, headline and lead in that is full of empathy and raw "hey I've been there too and I've been burned too but now I made some money and I am your brother/friend so want to just help you out" sort of that idea.

Good luck with your testing.

Out of all of yours, the best is the first one but you have to rewrite it for FTC regulations so that takes all the spark out of it.

Regards,

Jennie

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

******* WSO & JV ZOO COPYWRITER -- VLS & SALES LETTERS PROVEN TO CONVERT ******* Get Higher Profits From Launches That SELL! Proven Copywriter with 17 Years of Copywriting Experience. Contact Me Via Skype: seoexpertconsulting Copywriting Website: http://www.VideoScriptCopywriter.com

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1716976].message }}

mrdomains 16 years ago

Trade:
$1 for $15,000

No. Yes.
- Thanks
Signature

Free action plan : Think less. Do more.
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[1717581].message }}

tylerdrun

16 years ago

stop being self conscious. Number 1 and 2 are quite appealing. It's all in your head. You can be Gary Halbert too. Change your beliefs to change your behavior and finally your character. Who Knows? You might end up being the greatest copywriter too.
If you give your complete focus to this niche and practice rewriting the best sales letters and at the same time use NLP and other belief patters, you will naturally gain what you seek.