Whatcha Think?

You're about to Discover the secrets most agents will never know about succeeding in today's Economy

...not if I don't read past that headline, I won't. Rest of it is fair but needs reformatting. Put your mugshot at top left (after the headline), for starters.

Okay, I went about a quarter of the way down and there's a credibility or believability issue here. The first one is,

"...your sellers think they deserve '07 dollars for their home."

Any agent who's been on the streets more than a couple of weeks realizes that sellers, with very few exceptions, know the market sucks. So that statement is way off. Then you say,

"And those who qualify expect you to find them a mansion for the price of a single-wide trailer."

A mansion for the price of a single-wide is a stretch but people who do qualify are getting discounts of 60 to 70% off the highs of 2005 - 06 in some markets (California, Nevada, Florida), so that statement isn't accurate either.

Then you say,

"You could try a quick-fix strategy like chasing Short-Sales, FSBO's or Expired Listings. But they just make you busier...not wealthier."

Marketing short sales and FSBOs are by no means quick-fix strategies. Short sales are where it's at right now and, and regardless of the BS stats out of DC, things are only going to get worse, much worse, so short sales are an excellent way to go for the foreseeable future.

And farming FSBOs has, and should always be an excellent strategy for agents to develop business. I know at least a half dozen top selling agents who do nothing but list properties and let others sell them. And FSBOs as well as an occasional expired listing are the prime source of non-referral listings for them.

So... if you're looking to attract agents who actually have a clue as to what's going on out there, you're going to have to come up with some legit 'problems' if you want to come across as someone who knows what they're actually experiencing. Good Luck.

Not bad... I can see plenty of room for improvement.

(a) The subheadline sounds a bit vague. "In any market". You mean estate agents can sell in the Forex market, or the dating market? It's ambiguous. I know YOU know what you mean, but you must make sure the READER is certain about what you mean.

(b) It sounds a bit too generic. I feel you need to inject a bit more personality into it, so that readers can feel more of a connection with Donovan Dennan. This creates TRUST. At the moment, it sounds a bit like Donovan Dennan is a made-up character. (Sorry about that Maybe injecting a few REAL LIFE stories that are relevant to your potential clients may help.)

I see a lot of problems with this letter.

I guess from the domain name that the solution involves the legal entities called trusts. But there's no mention of that in the letter. The domain name doesn't really say what people get from a visit to the site. A domain name with something about real estate, strategies, solutions, wealth, beat the economy type of connotations would be more appealing.

It takes a while to figure out who the letter is for. Agent and Producer are words used in several industries. Dear Friend could apply to anyone. The headline should make it obvious that this is for frustrated real estate agents.

It's not clear who the letter is from. You're some guy who studied something and taught it to some people. No testimonials, no specifics about what kind of results they got. Or what results you got if you even used the techniques yourself.

The baby blue and cutesy drawings would be more appropriate if you were selling cribs and strollers. Nothing about the design says "this is a serious money-making opportunity."

If you tell people to "guess what," you invite them to draw a blank and give up on your letter.

"Kind of like" weakens any analogy. "It's a Rolls-Royce" is top of the line. "It's kind of like a Rolls Royce" might mean a Dodge Dart, after all it also has wheels and doors and so forth.

Instead of "The book is called" I'd have the picture, then start the next line with "[title] is a step by step guide to..."

More phrases that seem wishy-washy, uncertain, nonspecific:
Not that long ago. Almost overnight. (Vague time frames.)
Studying the techniques. (So did you get your PhD yet?)
That's fine (judging the motivations of the reader).
I'm not kidding around with you. (Oh, I thought it was all just a joke.)
It's perfectly legal. (So are the other techniques in the book illegal?)
What if there's even a chance. (So you aren't sure whether there is?)
Most agents I know. (We have no idea which agents you know or if they're any good.)
Over $500 for 3 self-help books, one of which is in most bookstores for $10 or so? Not credible.
No links for disclaimer or contact info.

Well, after ripping on your mistakes, I'd also like to say you have some things that could be the foundation of a fresh start:
Everything you need. A step-by-step blueprint. The feeling of certainty that this is a proven turnkey system, just follow the yellow brick roadmap.
"just makes you busier not wealthier" is a great line.
The whole premise of running a real estate business while out of town. Is that even possible?
Effective web site for free.
Cherry pick the best prospects and eliminate the worst for low stress.
Become the local expert.
Complete marketing campaigns including graphics and an action plan.
Follow up emails and referral system.
Equal emphasis on respect/admiration, money/wealth, and freedom/independence emotional benefits of a better real estate career.

I hope that gives you some ideas to work with for version 2.

Chris

Really really great feedback so far, so thanks.. Since this is only draft 1 I can see that I've still got a lot of work to do.

I should mention that this site is just parked at an old domain that I'm not using for now. And I have yet to add working links or disclaimer/contact info.

Mr. Enthusiastic, what backgroud color would you suggest for a site like this?

Look at this thread about color: http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...ated-site.html

Follow my links and the other links in the thread. Pull out whatever you think are the top 5 business colors with a fresh, up to date look. Or pick one of the already-designed color palettes that works for you.