How To Narrow Down Headlines

by BOHICA
10 replies
I have recently started trying to learn as much about Copywriting and everything it details now that I run a off-line business in a niche market.

I have come up with about 20 different headlines to start my sales page with (after much editing and research), and am now stuck.

What are some good techniques to narrow it down even further so I can then split them up for testing/critique. I don't want to throw them all at a all to see which one sticks, but don't really have anyone in my niche or clients to ask just yet.

I would like to narrow it down to about 5 or so and then start getting some critiques on those before testing. Any advice or information you could give me would be much appreciated.

If you need to know more about the business or anything else please ask away.
#headlines #narrow
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Read them aloud. Some headlines are painfully awkward and this
    may be revealed when you hear yourself try to read them.
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    • Profile picture of the author Stephen Dean
      And test wildly different headlines.

      For example if you have 20 different headlines but they follow mostly 6 different templates, choose the one you think best represents each of those 6. Test those and see which templates to do the best for you.

      From there you can further polish the winning templates to create an even better headline.

      Cheers,
      Stephen Dean
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      • Profile picture of the author MontelloMarketing
        Stephen's got a great one here. One that is often overlooked. When testing anything, START with wildly different versions of that thing. Headlines... offers... etc.

        Originally Posted by Stephen Dean View Post

        And test wildly different headlines.

        For example if you have 20 different headlines but they follow mostly 6 different templates, choose the one you think best represents each of those 6. Test those and see which templates to do the best for you.

        From there you can further polish the winning templates to create an even better headline.

        Cheers,
        Stephen Dean
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        The Montello Group
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        CLICK HERE!
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  • Profile picture of the author johnny_h
    it sounds like you're really close to this - step back for a day or two & come back to them.
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    • Profile picture of the author BOHICA
      Originally Posted by johnny_h View Post

      it sounds like you're really close to this - step back for a day or two & come back to them.
      I did just that and was able to hunt down 5 or so people who would be my target audience to help rank them. I know have them narrowed down to 4 that I figure I would just paste here in hopes of cleaning them up some before testing.

      A little more info, I run an off line hardcore athlete training facility. It is different than any other place in my city and because of that the potential is there, I just need to get the marketing out and sales copy better.

      I train junior high to college athletes, and the sales copy is going to be designed to a)want athletes reading the website to tell their parents that the only way they can become better is by training here and b)convince the parents that the must invest in their kids athletics by paying to train here if they want them to even have a shot at being the best.

      Here are the 4 headlines everyone came back saying would make them continue to read the website the most.

      If you would like to get a feel more for the facility and business, then check out genesis-ap.com (work in progress), before reading the headlines.

      Thanks for all the feedback so far and everyday I learn more and more from this forum.

      1. ATTENTION ATHLETES:
      Nationally Recognized Strength Coach Unleashes Your Hidden Athletic Potential So You Stop Wasting Your Talent!

      2. ATTENTION ATHLETES AND PARENTS:
      Stop Wasting Your Money at "Sports Performance/Speed Agility Centers" That Can't Produce Results Like This...

      3. The Only Hardcore Training Facility in Houston, TX, that GUARANTEES to Transform Athletes with Average Potential Into Big Time PLAYMAKERS

      4. Discover the Training That Transforms Athletes Into Big Time PLAYMAKERS
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      • Profile picture of the author kikolani
        You can always test on Twitter if you have a nice sized following... see which headlines get the most attention by tweeting different ones over the course of a couple of days (try at the same time each day).
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        • Profile picture of the author BOHICA
          Originally Posted by Johnny12345 View Post

          In my opinion, the headline above is a good start -- but it needs further improvement.

          "Stop wasting your talent" is very weak. What's the REAL benefit?

          I would suggest something like...

          ATTENTION ATHLETES:
          Nationally Recognized Strength Coach Unleashes Your Athletic Potential So You Can Excel At Your Sport!


          It's clear, to-the-point, and promises what they really want -- to be better at their sport.

          Regards,

          Johnny

          P.S. I didn't like the other three headlines as much -- but number 2 isn't bad, either.
          Appreciate the feedback. Those top 2 seemed to be the most preferred from others as well. I'll definitely try to make it more specific.

          Originally Posted by kikolani View Post

          You can always test on Twitter if you have a nice sized following... see which headlines get the most attention by tweeting different ones over the course of a couple of days (try at the same time each day).
          I'll definitely do that and didn't even think of it. Appreciate it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    ATTENTION ATHLETES:
    Nationally Recognized Strength Coach Unleashes Your Hidden Athletic Potential So You Stop Wasting Your Talent!
    In my opinion, the headline above is a good start -- but it needs further improvement.

    "Stop wasting your talent" is very weak. What's the REAL benefit?

    I would suggest something like...

    ATTENTION ATHLETES:
    Nationally Recognized Strength Coach Unleashes Your Athletic Potential So You Can Excel At Your Sport!


    It's clear, to-the-point, and promises what they really want -- to be better at their sport.

    Regards,

    Johnny

    P.S. I didn't like the other three headlines as much -- but number 2 isn't bad, either.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andy4copy
    Hi Bohica!
    As a Copywriter myself, I've run a lot of Copywriting Training Courses in the past, and one of the most favourite subjects with delegates is Headlines. Whether for Offline or Online use (forgetting keywords in this case) the most important thing your Headline must do is grab the ATTENTION of your *target audience.

    With your sports experience, you obviously know WHO *they are, so the next thing to remember is: 'What is the best BENEFIT they'll be looking for, how will this benefit help them, and what makes this benefit stand out from thos of your competitors..?

    I think you're getting near to it in your Headline draft No 3. But as Johnny h says, step away from it (and the others) and come back to it later. Best way to do this is to leave your 'nearly there' Headlines shortlist list overnight on your desk (or whatever you see 1st thing in the morning). Then look at the list when you're awake, and ONE should immediately jump out as the right one (or will be, with just one or two words changed).

    This generally works for me. Hope this is helpful.
    Andy4copy.
    PS For a much more detail on everything to do with writing Headlines (and ways to get to a short shortlist) why not check out my Write 2 Profit Website, which currently features Headline writing as a feature article on the Home page.
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    • Profile picture of the author BOHICA
      Originally Posted by Andy4copy View Post

      Hi Bohica!
      As a Copywriter myself, I've run a lot of Copywriting Training Courses in the past, and one of the most favourite subjects with delegates is Headlines. Whether for Offline or Online use (forgetting keywords in this case) the most important thing your Headline must do is grab the ATTENTION of your *target audience.

      With your sports experience, you obviously know WHO *they are, so the next thing to remember is: 'What is the best BENEFIT they'll be looking for, how will this benefit help them, and what makes this benefit stand out from thos of your competitors..?

      I think you're getting near to it in your Headline draft No 3. But as Johnny h says, step away from it (and the others) and come back to it later. Best way to do this is to leave your 'nearly there' Headlines shortlist list overnight on your desk (or whatever you see 1st thing in the morning). Then look at the list when you're awake, and ONE should immediately jump out as the right one (or will be, with just one or two words changed).

      This generally works for me. Hope this is helpful.
      Andy4copy.
      PS For a much more detail on everything to do with writing Headlines (and ways to get to a short shortlist) why not check out my Write 2 Profit Website, which currently features Headline writing as a feature article on the Home page.
      I'll definitely check out the page Andy thanks.

      I have let it sit for a day after asking the question and felt like I had a few good ideas so I decided to look back today and see which two really stuck out and only needed a few changes if any.

      I've gotten it down to two and am now just trying to specialize it exactly towards every athlete's fears.

      Here is what I've come up with now.

      1. The Only Hardcore Training Facility in Houston, TX, that GUARANTEES to Transform Slow, Weak, and Skinny Athletes Into Big Time PLAYMAKERS.


      2. ATTENTION ATHLETES: Nationally Recognized Strength Coach Unleashes Your Athletic Potential So You Become Faster, Stronger, and More Muscular.

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