a little help with conversions?

by devan
8 replies
here is my website Learn To Massage DVD Box Set | Indian Head Massage | Full Body Massage | Luxury Facial Massage

what wrong with it? im getting alot of traffic but no conversions any tips from you experienced marketers out there?
  • Profile picture of the author Simon_Sezs
    my first looksie here. The ad copy appears to be way too short. There isn't a lot of WIIFM in the copy itself. The font is too small making it harder to read. The color scheme looks good though. The yellow hi-light may be a bit over done (it directs the eye all over the place..I spent more time reading the same thing over and over).
    "Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." Ben Franklin
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    • Profile picture of the author Jason Dolman
      To be blunt... your headline sucks.

      Although it's a simple "Yes" or "No" answer, you're making it too easy for people to say "No" and hit the back button.

      As mentioned above, the headline is missing the WIIFM and the rest of the letter is waaaaaay too short to motivate someone into ordering.

      Personally, I think you need to re-evaluate who the target market is.

      Right now you've got a mix between targeting the person looking to give the massage and the person hoping to receive the massage.

      What I mean by that is the reader can't learn the Indian massage and then perform it on themselves... if they can, you don't do anything to explain how.

      If not... you need to figure out who your target market is -- the person looking to learn massage and give it to others or the person looking to get the massage by giving your book to someone else to learn it.

      There's a lot of improvement needed above and beyond that, but that should get you started.

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      • Profile picture of the author Bryan Mc
        Wow, I would say about everything Jason just said and then add:

        Who are you targeting? What's your keywords, are they buying keywords? First of all in a market like that, it seems likely that people are looking for information and not extremely motivated to buy at all..

        That might be a great page if it was a squeeze page, beside the short-comings in the copy (headline, etc). But, in terms of making a sale, there just isn't enough information.

        A little less of the yellow highlighting, bud. I've never seen so much on one short copy page.

        Your headline:
        a) Doesn't grab attention
        b) Doesn't force the reader to read on
        c) Doesn't have a good sub-headline that supports the original headline or benefits

        Think of your headline as your "shock and awe" campaign. Everything you got, every ounce, you put into that baby.

        I don't know anything about the niche but I would say that's a benefit. Anyway, instead of:

        "Do you want to learn how to give an "Indian Head Massage" like a professional?"

        How about...


        "Warning (attention grabber): Using These Dangerously (dangerous, what?) Effective (oh, dangerously effective, whoo!) Indian Head Massage Techniques (hey, that's what i'm looking for) Could Result in Unheard of Relaxation & Comfort (benefits?) - Use at Your Own Risk... (at my own risk? why? should i keep reading? yes...)"


        These 14 (numbers are always good) little known techniques have revolutionized (really? am I behind in the game?) the way modern masseuses (I want to be modern) do business - often causing flocks of repeat clients (ooh, money, money money!) who can't get enough of what only you'll (exclusiveness) know how to do...

        Now see with just the first two sentences the visitor reads we've grabbed their interest, and practically forced them to read on?

        I'd suggest you really brush up on copywriting. How about the most valuable site on the Internet: The Gary Halbert Letter

        Hope this helps,

        "You're either making excuses or you're making money - but you can't make both..."

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        • Profile picture of the author devan
          haha cheers, its my first product, thanks for the help.
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          • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
            As a former massage therapy center owner turned professional copywriter, I'd say I'm uniquely qualified to give you advice on your sales letter.

            Alot of the advice you've been given so far has been good so I won't try to repeat it.

            The biggest thing is WHO are you trying to target with the product? Because right now, you aren't targeting anyone effectively IMHO.

            In terms of massage therapists, you're missing the mark big time.

            Massage therapists HATE the word masseuse. Many therapists react to it the way many people would to an ethnic slur.

            For the record, a masseuse is a female massage therapist. So even if the prospect was willing to overlook the off-color industry word... if they are MALE then they will stop reading your sales letter immediately.

            Massage therapists don't want to be GURUs. They don't use that word ever. Even the most famous massage teachers or instructors aren't referred to as 'gurus'.

            Hope that helps,

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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Assuming that you heed the excellent advice you've been given about figuring out who you're selling to and what the product is supposed to do, you need to follow the classic pattern, it will never fail you:

    A - Attention
    I - Interest
    D - Desire
    A - Action

    None of your copy works for me on any level, really. I have no idea what the hell Indian Head Massage is, no idea why I should care, and based upon the overall lack of information presented, you come across as having no real passion for telling me why I should. So consequently, I don't.

    You'll never convert sales if you have not given anyone any reason to care about much less seriously consider your offer.

    Imagine that we are on the top floor of a building in an elevator going down. You have precisely until the elevator reaches the lobby to make me understand what you sell, why I should care, and what it can do for me.

    "I have an ebook that teaches Indian Head Massage. You can save money and learn to do it yourself. The book costs $37. Want to buy it?"


    "Mind if I ask you something really quickly?... Have you ever had a head massage that relaxed you so completely, you reached an almost transcendental state? There's a secret technique called Indian Head Massage that everybody is starting to talk about. I actually teach it to people all over the world. If you'd like, I'd be happy to give you a free video about it or a simple technique you can try for yourself at home. It really is quite remarkable. Would you like a video or the technique?"

    Who is more likely to close sales, the first guy or the second guy? Moreover, who's having more FUN doing it?

    Get INTO what you sell. If you are not even passionate about what you're selling, nobody else is ever going to be either except by accident, despite you.

    SO, WRITE COPY. A couple of simple questions to get some words flowing...

    What is Indian Head Massage?

    What is different about Indian Head Massage as opposed to other head massage techniques?

    Why would I want an Indian Head Massage?

    What will I feel like as I receive an expert Indian Head Massage?

    What will I feel like after I receive an expert Indian Head Massage?

    How long does an Indian Head Massage take?

    What are the origins of Indian Head Massage?

    Who is the most influential or well-known Indian Head Massage expert?

    How many others know about or are into Indian Head Massage?

    Is Indian Head Massage hard to learn?

    Does Indian Head Massage hurt? Describe it.

    Does Indian Head Massage feel good? Describe it.

    And on and on...

    Your copy will start to come together easier once you have a variety of elements available that you might draw from.

    Write at least 10 headlines, one after the next. Do not stop until you've written 10.

    Adapt some of the headlines that don't make the cut for subheads.

    Make your subheads read from top to bottom in a perfect sequence, outside of the copy that's contained between them.

    P.S. #1 - Briefly restate the unique selling proposition and primary benefits along with the offer.

    P.S. #2 - Briefly restate the risk reversal and whatever sales pressure mechanism you may be using.

    And then there's the traffic sources to consider...

    Hope this helps,

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  • Profile picture of the author devan
    ok i made changes tot he copy, might be a few grammar errors i havnt picked up but yeah - this better?
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    • Profile picture of the author drhambrick
      I wonder what would happen if you stress "Grow Hair" a little more in your sales copy... that's a Eugene Schwartz type of claim.

      You know like: "Whoever heard of relieving migraines, improving concentration, boosting memory, better eyesight, even hair growth, just from rubbing your head?"


      Paul Hambrick is an expert at creating newsletters that get read and get responded to.

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