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Subhead to confusing ?

by Dan Williams
19 replies
Have a small list that this letter will be direct mailed to so the results aren't something I couldn't effectively split test. With that said, I'm thinking the subhead with the 4110 savings could be improved...

any thoughts ? does the flow seem OK?
#confusing #subhead
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    Dan...

    There really isn't a headline... for a subhead to accent.

    Your proposition is simple... FREE Insurance Audit Saves Typical Family $400+

    And your letter needs to be personal... to Joe Prospect instead of to everybody.

    Remember, you are arriving in a consumer mailbox where you have seconds to avoid the trash can. So you will need to be very personal on the envelope if you hope to get your letter opened.

    Since you are looking to generate leads... you may well be advised to mail a 3" x 5" postcard with your offer on both sides... at least your offer will get noticed... the postage & printing will be less... you may even get invited to quote insurance for the mailman.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    I don't see a head or subhead at all? Is it just not coming up on my machine, or is it possible there's something amiss?

    Would be happy to take a look, but...
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Williams
      These will be mailmerged to a list and personalized with first names...yeah there is no headline...just wanted to "ease" into the copy without a headline for a change....stupid idea?

      again, it's only going to 2-3000 households
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      • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
        Originally Posted by Dan Williams View Post

        These will be mailmerged to a list and personalized with first names...yeah there is no headline...just wanted to "ease" into the copy without a headline for a change....stupid idea?

        again, it's only going to 2-3000 households
        I apologize. I just found your instructions confusing. It's a terminology problem I'll probably carry with me to my grave. I tend to use "subhead" as sort of a catchall, when what I really mean is "deck copy". And in my own brainspace, I tend to think of actual, proper subheads as "paragraph headers."

        You'd think by now I'd realize not everybody lives in my head. But that's Solipsism for you.

        I'll take a look again.
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      • Profile picture of the author Collette
        Originally Posted by Dan Williams View Post

        These will be mailmerged to a list and personalized with first names...yeah there is no headline...just wanted to "ease" into the copy without a headline for a change....stupid idea?

        again, it's only going to 2-3000 households
        Either way, your letter starts here: "Nobody wants to feel like they overpaid."

        ... Yet, when it comes to insurance, people do it all the time. Don't make the same expensive mistake. In just 6 minutes, I can show you how to save an average of $411.00 a year on your current insurance. Let me explain... [blah, blah, blah]

        Get to the point. Nobody is going to be more enamored of your message if they think you're about to offer them a bargain price on a TV, only to discover you're pitching insurance.

        The first two lines are just confusing.
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  • Profile picture of the author AdwordsMogul
    Without a headline nobody is going to read your copy in the first place.

    The person receiving it will not think "Oh, here is a sales letter without a headline, how refreshing!"

    They will think "what's this piece of paper doing here? Trash!"

    However, your copy is not the worst... it could be much better though.

    You still have to rearrange it and make it a bit clearer.

    It's kind of like a good start before beginning your first draft.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dan Williams
      Ouch ! that bad huh?
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      • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
        It's not that it's bad Dan-O...

        You just need to edit.

        One good tip, your offer or headline will often be found several lines into your copy... as you have warmed up.

        It's all in the rewriting.

        You've got to tell them quick, what's in it for me.

        Also, your list size is about 3,000... so even with great copy, you may only get 15 responses from the much mailed consumer.

        Can you close 25%? Or even 50%?

        And will those 4-8 new customers pay for the printing and postage?

        Good luck!
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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Hi Dan,

          Quick comment: I understand not wanting to put the headline in.

          Good idea to split test the VERY personalized look (no headline, Dear <Name>, no subheads, etc.). But I'd only test that on a very targeted group, with a very strong offer, and when you REALLY know what you're doing.

          Gary Halbert managed it with his "Coat of Arms" letter. But the offer was very good and something people were interested in.

          I don't like this line:

          "You pay $999 for a big screen TV and the very next week it goes on sale for $599."

          It's a true situation. Happens often. But you still haven't persuaded the reader to read the letter.

          Anywho, that's all I have time for.

          Best,

          Angel
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          • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
            Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

            I don't like this line:

            "You pay $999 for a big screen TV and the very next week it goes on sale for $599."

            It's a true situation. Happens often. But you still haven't persuaded the reader to read the letter.
            I'd say that even worse is the fact that if you HAVE persuaded anyone to read the letter, it's someone who wants to find better deals on home electronics.

            Most insurance prospects are going to get as far as the first line and then crumple the thing up, going, "Well, that's not for me..."

            Most home electronics prospects (at least, those from the group who find that first sentence compelling enough to read beyond) are going to get to the next line and then go, "Well, that's not for me..."

            At least the second group would be correct.

            Make your lead, even if you choose not to do it in headline style, the most interesting and *relevant* sentence a prospective insurance buyer will have read all day.
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            • Profile picture of the author Dan Williams
              aren't "interesting sentences" and "insurance" contradictory terms? I'm not sure they're even allowed in the same sentence

              was trying to create agreement initially and tie the "feeling" into being relative to overpaying on insurance??? can't pull it off eh?
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              • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
                Keep it simple Dan-O...

                ...so your offer can get read and understood.

                There are people interested in saving on insurance... and getting personalized service from a local agent in their town... not an 800# or web form.
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                • Profile picture of the author Joseph Simpleton
                  Hi Dan,


                  I'd like to say Great job with the copy so far - and give yourself a pat on the back for good facts.

                  As Eugene would say... the headline would only be to sell the next line and the next line sell the next and so forth...

                  Nevertheless for example, if when drawing targeted traffic eyeballs to a painted Big RED Bulls Eye (as if to say Come On In, Just Park Right Over Here & Enter!), it's good to have a Headline, for instance: You might have a "goldsmith-shop-value" of insurance products, yet unless you have a clear Sign that says "Goldsmith Value Insurance", herd masses of lost traffic would be just driving right pass your sign-less shop and straight to your competitors.

                  So likewise, in such case a Great Head Line would serve as their "Insurance Road Map & Stop Sign", if you will, to follow through to the rest of your Sales Body Pitch & Conclusion. :-)


                  Relating to your query on the sub head line, the Sharpest Punch should be packed instantly right after and should *EMOTIONALLY* Super-Charge the Prospects "DESIRE" through "SENSATIONAL BENEFITS" over facts, which you can still sell successful copy by just fact-less, suspense-filled benefits
                  (for you'd want to stand out from the others' dull, boring insurance stats).


                  And to wrap it up, Tie Down & pull them in with a Gravitating "Call-To-Action" Conclusion, & Drive 'em Cows Home, Partner! - Punctuate more added Pressure & Tension by magnifying their potential "LOSS" if they were to miss out on your Golden Opportunity, Sweeten Your Offer & Guarantees.




                  "Why, it's almost like flipping hungry insurance hamburger whoppers"! Hope that helps... :-)
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  • Profile picture of the author Marvin Johnston
    Small nitpick ... when I first read the title of your post, I was intrigued. And curious.

    How do you go from a subhead to confusing ... what is the path your are taking to get there? And why would you want confusing sales copy?

    Now if you meant subhead too confusing, that is a different story .

    Marvin
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    Hi Dan,

    I see you put some of my advice in practice I think you're really heading in the right direction.

    With regards to headlines, I'd never go without an obvious headline, per Ogilvy and everyone else. But, there was one famous letter that did go sans headline. The Wall Street Journal letter.

    Copywriting: Wall Street Journal Letter
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  • Profile picture of the author aandersen
    Okay...

    I just about _____ myself laughing so hard at that post. My little outburst caused somewhat of an uproar, and everyone in the room wanted to know what all the commotion was about. I tried to explain and, well, you know...

    ...I really need more marketer friends.

    Thank you Mr. S
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