How can I improve this headline?

First thing I would put your primary keyword in your headline which in your case would be "Apartments Your City" or "Your city Apartments"
Most people don't realize that the real traffic comes when google picks up your ad in the search results NOT as much from craigslist itself.

So maybe, "You city Apartments - Huge, Gorgeous, Safe, Great for Pets, Ready for Move-in"

Yep. You don't need "I am offering" as it's implied by the ad.

If you're cramming seven benefits into one headline, it may sound a tad too good to be true. So if you do that, prepare to add a slight 'damaging admission' or two to bring it down to believable levels.

3afash,

Don't know if you are still looking but here is a template you can use. Normally I would give this to a Realtor I am working with but hey if you can modify it feel free to use it.

Here is the template ad written for a home for sale.

Lancaster - Lovely 3 bed 2 bath home on a quiet tree-lined street. Only $1,500 down, $598 per mo. Call 888-123-4567 24 hour FREE Recorded Message.

For your apt the ad might be something like this...
Lancaster- Huge 1 bedroom apt. Safe neighborhood (actually describe the area like ad above). Only $xxx.xx per mo. Call 888-123-4567 24 hr. FREE Recorded Message.

I'll have to dig through my real estate material and see if there is something there for rentals.

Hope this helps.

George

Mind-blowing! What do you charge Realtors for that gem?

I accepted an assignment with one of the largest realtors in Palm Beach County FL who runs dozens of ads on craigslist. He only had ONE demand on my writing...

The purpose was to get them to CALL the agent on the PHONE. So it was factual, and in RE (and I was a licensed agent in Ohio), you don't need to spell things out, so a Two Bedroom 2 bath listing is 2/2 so using the accepted "shorthand" saves you a lot of space.

What is the purpose of the ad? To whet their appetite? To get them excited about your place? It goes to the TARGET MARKET (there I go again, beating my one trick pony to death).

When you begin with the action you want them to take, then writing headlines gets easier and you can use the space to prequalify as well as excite.

As regards your "high response rate", does that mean you are getting MORE rentals from these ads or more callers? Cause in my mind I'd rather have fewer qualified callers with a sincere interest in the property than a bunch of tire kickers/looky loos who eat up my time.

Your headline could be much more succinct and therefore easier to pick out of the craigslist overload.

Pets welcome. Huge 1BR. N West Palm Beach. 650 Mo.

Maybe PETS welcome.

Why would you need more than the above?

You have photos and copy inside the ad to sell them, you just need the ad read, and if you're like the realtors down here, you really want to speak to them on the phone, don't you? Before you set up an appointment to show it? Maybe not.

gjabiz

when creating a headline, you must keep it short and simple. try this, A Ready-to-Move-in Apartment is up for grabs!

I Am Offering My Huge Apartment for a Great Price! Ready for Move-in!
Ideal for Pets! Gorgeous, Huge One-Bedroom in Safe Area!

Huge Apartment Space - Stunning - Open - Safe Neighborhood - Pet Friendly ... etc.

Hello 3afash,

You've probably already found your killer attention-grabbing headline for your add. But if you are still interested in any suggestions, perhaps this may help.

The people coming to your section on Craigslist, pretty much already have in mind what they are looking for. Which is probably a 1 or 2 bedroom appartment.Right?

So all you need to do is grab the consumer's attention first with a (USP)Unique Sales Proposition. Which everybody knows that moving is hard work, and want to get it done fast, easy, and without any hassels. Right?

Try starting your headline with "Ready For Move-In". This helps relieve the stresses involved in moving. Then add your next biggest feature; Huge One-Bedroom Appartment. It gives an impression of having more space. And then, In Safe Area. Here you're selling peace of mind. Which doesn't come cheap these days. And then(Pets Allowed). Just by saying that, you narrow down your target market. When pet owners see adds like that, they skip everything else and go straight to yours. I know this because i have pets.

So you have...

"Ready For Move-In". Huge One-Bedroom Appartment In Safe Area.(Pets Allowed)

Once you have them in your add, you can mention the other goodies available. Just basically tell them how having your appartment will make their lives so much better by mentioning– not so much the features, but the benefits.

But don't forget 3afash... the headline is just the hook. The rest of your add needs to get the consumer to pick-up the phone and call you.

And then once you get a call... do you have a pitch?

Anyway, i hope this is something that can help.

Take Care and Good Luck

Not bad, the problem is the sound just like every other headline on Craig's list...not cool.

Take both your headlines and turn them into questions...

1) I Am Offering My Huge Apartment for a Great Price! Ready for Move-in!

"Ready to Move into a Spacious Apartment at a Price You Can Afford?"

2) Ideal for Pets! Gorgeous, Huge One-Bedroom in Safe Area!

"Need an Affordable Pet-Friendly Apartment?"

There's a conversation going on when these cats browse your listings...find a way to get into that conversation, and ask a question based on the specific benefit they're looking for. Speak to them, not at them. They'll visit the link because the question suggests that the ad holds the answer...and if you nail the question they're ALREADY asking when they're looking at the ads...well, you get the idea.

This may be picking - but guys it should be "ready TO move in" not "ready FOR move in"

I Am Offering My Huge Apartment for a Great Price! Ready for Move-in!
Ideal for Pets! Gorgeous, Huge One-Bedroom in Safe Area! is too long....

Try smth shorter and more catching... Like... Gorgeous One-Bedroom Ready-for-Move-in Apartment!

Try to use the proper lingo when describing real estate. Instead of your headline, try something such as:

Spacious Apartment Available in Friendly Neighborhood at Below Market Price! Large Master Bedroom with Garden Tub in Bathroom. Pets Are Welcome! Ready to Rent Today!

Don't put any quantitative facts,i.e. square footage, number of bedrooms/bathrooms, appliances, in your post. This will make people call you to find out more. You want to sell the sizzle, not the steak.
If you need more ideas read advertisements for houses by professional RE agents.

Big Bedroom, Enough Room For Foursomes. Women Will Be Impressed By The Decor And Snazzy Area. Padded Walls.

You could try: A gorgeous and spacious apartment at ........(city).... is ready for immediate grabs at an affordable price!