What do you think about this....

15 years ago

I don't like the headline. You should find a way to use it in your copy and make your headline shorter and more toward the course.

Break your copy up with only two or three "enroll Now". It's just two much.

Other wise it is pretty good.
Test & track.

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travlinguy

15 years ago

You're absolutely going to lose most of your people with that epic headline. Why not go with something simple like:

With My Program, Even Geeks and Losers Get The Babe

That's just off the top of my head but simple is ofter better. You'd naturally want to qualify that statement immediately by following it with something like:

...and if you're just a regular guy, you'll score too. (or whatever)

Nobody will relate to being a geek or loser but the idea is to write it up to illustrate that anyone can do this. I didn't go any further than the headline. Good luck.

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jonnyrhinestone

15 years ago

That headline is way too much. It's too long, most people won't read it.
Also, by putting your picture next to the copy of The Game, it looks like you're Neil Strauss.

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MissLauraCatella 15 years ago

I didn't notice the "Come To A Live, 3-Day Speed Seduction..." part until I went back for a second glance. If that's what you're selling, either let me know that clearly or don't.

Completely agree with what others have said about the title. I'd say go bold and brash. Since HB9s and 10s are the goal to "Game" and all, and you're assuming your audience knows the types of things you're talking about, you could test sticking with the lingo and going with something like "You'll Bring Home 10 after 10." Top of my head. But, generally speaking, try a bunch of fun catchy lines and test 'em out.

Side note, I loved the book "The Game" and may or may not have met the author.
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Oxbloom

15 years ago

I actually followed the link just to be the guy who said something constructive about something OTHER than the headline...but I just couldn't do it. I actually could NOT bring myself to scroll after that abortion.

You want your headline to seize your prospect's attention, and then you want it to all but force him to read the first sentence of copy.

There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do to your headline that will cripple its ability to do this quite like causing your reader to actually stop reading, and say to himself, "Wait...what the #### is THAT about?"

I found myself doing that...swear to God...about a half dozen times in that one, rambling, run-on sentence.

Time one: "Pick Up"...didn't you just tell me the word RIGHT before that, that this was about seduction? Holy redundant redundancy, Batman.

Time two: "Six foot"...I can buy into skinny, ugly, etc. But how the heck does "six foot" fit into that equation? Is there some implied lack of appeal in being six feet tall that I haven't been told about? If a six-footer can pick up women...hell...ANYONE can! Yeah...I don't get it.

Time three: "Rapidly Aging." Okay. Not only does this make me think this guy's going to be totally out of the loop, but if he's both "legendary" AND "rapidly aging," doesn't that mean his "system" must have come about when he was considerably younger? Doesn't that, in turn, mean it has doodly squat to do with necessarily helping prospects who might themselves be "rapidly aging?" If he were going to help them, wouldn't it need to be with his "new" system? No matter what age or demographic I am, I feel alienated and confused. Is this for me...or for someone else entirely?

Time four: "From Marina Del Rey, California." What in the name of all that's holy does this guy's hometown have to do with anything? You're just preventing me from being interested in what follows by bogging me down with senseless trivia.

Time five: Without "games." Okay...but...NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SCHOOL OF "GAME"...AND AS PRESENTED BY THE GODFATHER OF THE GAME...AS SEEN IN "THE GAME." Holy crap. Total undermining of credibility before I get to word one of copy.

Time six: No matter what your looks. Yeah...that's all good and well, but didn't you pretty much already tell me that when you went out of your way to describe the guy using all your unflattering modifiers up above? I AM able to do really elementary thinking all by myself...even as a dimwitted prospect.

Listen, I'm not going to sit here and write headlines for you. But learning to self-edit can, all by itself, make your copy a hell of a lot stronger.

Here's YOUR headline. As is. In the same words. Except with all the redundant and nonsensical BS pared away.

"The Amazing Seduction System Of A Legendary, Skinny, Ugly Geek That WILL Get You The Women You Truly Desire...Guaranteed!"

I wouldn't call it a 10/10. But it's a hell of a lot better. And with some deck copy that keeps the train rollin', it might actually get me to sentence number one.

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rammonster 15 years ago

"The Amazing Seduction System Of A Legendary, Skinny, Ugly Geek That WILL Get You The Women You Truly Desire...Guaranteed!"

Now this got me interested...not because i can relate or anything...it just makes me wanna find out what the hell this is all about, it makes me wanna stay there a bit longer and read the legendary geeks story...lol. Really good!

Cheers,
kunal
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Alex Barboza

15 years ago

Originally Posted by LudwigReithofer

What do you think about this Salesletter:

www.seduction.com/livetraining/speed-seduction-seminar-3day.php

Just curious: how much did you pay for the domain Seduction.com?

Great domain!

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Vanfenix 15 years ago

Seduction is a term that is controversial.

You're better off selling the domain to a large adult shop for some serious coin. Then - cut me 10% and we'll call it even

But yes - clean up that headline.. Nice domain!
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- Sultan of Swipe 15 years ago
  
  You NEED to tighten that headline...I am not seduced by your headline to read any further than it... and this is about seduction???
  
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Oxbloom

15 years ago

I might also ditch the video with the fat kid. I know automatically that I don't want to associate with anything that guy is spokesman for. It ain't a pretty truth...but it's real.

I know it probably speaks to the "anyone can do it" vibe you're gunning for. But nobody wants to imagine themselves being in that guy's category, whatever category that may be.

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Rigmonkey 15 years ago

A three-day seminar isn't only asking people to make a financial commitment; it's also asking them to sacrifice time and unfortunately, the entire pitch sucks up way too much time for me to commit to it entirely.

Obviously, people want proof that this method will be right for them but expecting them to sit through 6 videos on a single ad is asking for too much attention. I watched the first video, kind of enjoyed it then found myself with another to watch, survived about 45 seconds and gave up. I didn't even consider scrolling down to look at the other 4.

The headline needs to be abbreviated. If I have to read through it several times to get your point, I'm not going to be sitting in front of the page for long. I'm not a copywriter but I am a prospective buyer. I don't really want to be regarded as fat, skinny, ugly or anything else that might shatter my own self esteem. I understand the angle but it's highly likely to isolate me instead of making me feel included. Maybe something less discriminatory would work?

What about something along the lines of Proven seduction techniques that land perfect babes for less-than-perfect guys? Only an idea and as I've highlighted before, I'm not a copywriter myself. However, I'm not singling out characteristics that might shatter confidence when I'm actually looking for people to buy into what I'm selling. Just an idea and good luck with the venture.
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