What is wrong with this short copy?

22 replies
Hi guys. I need to re-write this. It's a short piece that leads to a sales page. I just need some guidance. Thanks.

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Why Is Pregnancy Miracle The Best Selling Infertility Cure Book In Internet History, With Thousands Of Satisfied (And Now Proud Mothers) Women In 127 Countries Worldwide?


Pregnancy Miracle is the #1 best selling infertility Cure ebook in the history of the Internet for a reason...



Thousands of women of almost every age have completely reversed any infertility issues they had and got pregnant naturally, without drugs, risky surgery or "magic potions" simply by using the clinically proven, scientifically-accurate step by step method found inside this amazing Pregnancy guidebook.


Lisa Olson, a certified nutritionist, health consultant and author has not just pumped out yet another "pregnancy program" into an already over-saturated market. Lisa's Pregnancy Miracle can be more accurately described as an "Pregnancy Bible." It is quite simply one of the most comprehensive, complete, and precise guides to infertility freedom you will ever read. What makes it so much different than other pregnancy publications on the market?


Well first of all, it's not just a "infertility help" program, it's an infertility cure program. This may seem like semantics or wordplay at first, but once you've read just the first chapters, there will be no doubt in your mind that pursuing "help with your pregnancy" is not only the wrong goal, it may be the reason that you've failed to get pregnant until now. Pregnancy Miracle shows you exactly why you should fix the internal problem that's hindering your chances of getting pregnant and then goes on to show you exactly how to do it.


Secondly, what makes Pregnancy Miracle different is the amount of attention that is paid to each and every element required to get pregnant the natural way. Pregnancy Miracle not only thoroughly discusses the lies, myths and fallacies surrounding a very confusing subject, it is simply the most detailed book about pregnancy and infertility, Chinese Medicine and holistic health ever written.


The Pregnancy Miracle book is quite extensive (250 pages of rock solid content) which focuses on 100% natural method for getting pregnant quickly. That means there aren't recommendations for harsh prescription drugs or surgeries with nasty side effects. In Pregnancy Miracle core formula section (The 3 step system) - Nothing is held back. In this section, Lisa gives a detailed overview of each step, and then dives into the specifics in a perfect chronological order. There are also outstanding charts and checklists which make it very easy to know where you are at in the program and follow it.


Because the Pregnancy Miracle program is not a quick fix 'fairy tale' cure but a complete holistic solution aimed at eliminating the root cause of fertility problems(regardless of your age) and ensure your will get pregnant quickly, it does take work and persistence to complete. "The dictionary is the only place success comes before work" says Lisa, as she emphasizes the "no quick fix" philosophy behind the entire book.


If there is any drawback to the Pregnancy Miracle ebook, it's that it contains so much information, that some readers may find it a bit overwhelming. Those who are looking for a quick start type of pregnancy program, might be a bit intimated at first. The good part however, is that even these types of readers can feel confident and assured that it will be worth the effort because this will literally be the last book they ever have to buy on the subject.


Who will benefit most from Pregnancy Miracle?


In the broadest sense, anyone and everyone who wants to get pregnant naturally and regain their natural inner balance will benefit from Pregnancy Miracle. This ebook is honestly for everyone. Even women without fertility issues. This is a total health rejuvenation program better than 98% of the nutrition and alternative health books on the market. In fact, the advice in this ebook is guaranteed to help you with any other health condition you might have, especially if you suffer from hormonal disorders, digestive problems, insulin related disorders, allergies and acne.


In terms of graphic design, Pregnancy Miracle is a clean and professionally formatted PDF e-book. It is well organized and ideal for printing and reading in the comfort of your own home.


This impressive and unique publication has changed many lives and the hundreds of inspiring testimonials and success stories are found on the Pregnancy Miracle website archives as proof.


The Bottom line?


Anyone looking for a quick fix solution to getting pregnant, anyone looking to be told fairy-tales, and anyone looking for a "magic bullet", pills, over the counters, 'get pregnant in 2 weeks' hyped up programs should not waste his or her time with Pregnancy Miracle.


On the other hand, anyone searching for the truth about pregnancy, fertility issues and alternative health and who is ready and willing to put in some work and make the lifestyle changes necessary to get pregnant fast and give birth to healthy children, will find Pregnancy Miracle to be one of the best investments they ever made in their lives. Click here to learn more about Lisa Olson's Pregnancy Miracle
#copy #short #wrong
  • Profile picture of the author MissLauraCatella
    First things first. Your title and first sentence are a snooze-fest. It reads like the first sentence of a homework assignment. Compel me. Tell me right out why I should care about the PRODUCT. Because I can assure ya, few, if anyone, is going to care about why the book is the best selling blah blah falls asleep. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Great! I thought so too.

      Actually I didn't write it, but someone is asking me to write a new one.
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      • Profile picture of the author Drez
        Your headline needs to hit to core DESIRE of your prospect.

        I mean do I REALLY care why this book is a bestseller? Probably not.

        But I might care about:

        "The recently discovered (all natural) secret that helped 100,000 "infertile" women get pregnant within 30 days or less"

        And your deck copy (sub head) needs to reinforce the headline and dig a little deeper.

        "In test after test the results were the always the same. 99.999% of women who previously found it impossible to conceive were able to get pregnant and successfully carry to full term - again and again."


        Of course these are just examples to show what I mean.

        Best of luck with your project.
        Signature

        Mark "Drez" Dresner
        Swipe My Massive Copywriting Swipe Files Collection for FREE
        http://AdvertisingCopySwipes.com

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    • Profile picture of the author Amit_articles
      Originally Posted by bambii View Post

      First things first. Your title and first sentence are a snooze-fest. It reads like the first sentence of a homework assignment. Compel me. Tell me right out why I should care about the PRODUCT. Because I can assure ya, few, if anyone, is going to care about why the book is the best selling blah blah falls asleep. Good luck.
      Well said mate. I completely agree. The approach of the first sentence is just a simple sentence from an article found at article directory. Sales page needs different approach always..
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  • Profile picture of the author m30jake
    The first few words just bore the hell out me... I've hit the back button, bye!
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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    As others have pointed out, it has some serious flaws going on.

    I would scrap this entire thing and start from scratch. Try to touch on the emotions these infertile mothers are feeling.


    Let me be a bit more direct:

    I know mothers who can't get pregnant. They track their periods like hawks. They religiously use pregnancy tests to check after each try - and sob each time the results comes up negative.

    When they see a mother cuddle and nuzzle her tiny infant, they feel a pain so deep it rends a hole in their very souls.

    If you have a solution that places their own tiny, soft baby in their arms that they can hold, smell and cuddle - well you have an unstoppable emotional selling force.

    The point is, there is a HUGE nerve there - and this copy missed it by a mile.

    Not only that, but the format is flawed. For example:

    The headline is HUGE. "Why Is Pregnancy Miracle The Best Selling Infertility Cure Book In Internet History, With Thousands Of Satisfied (And Now Proud Mothers) Women In 127 Countries Worldwide?"

    It's also completely ineffective. It's trying to cram way too many ideas down my throat while failing at engaging me.

    Even affiliate articles need to be written in a compelling way. Otherwise they're just ineffective garbage.



    I wouldn't use any of this material in your new copy.

    My advice? Trash it. Do the research, put in the time, and create copy that actually works. If you're stuck, check out how other affiliates "sell the click."
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    Sebastian, can I make a suggestion?...

    I don't write for the 'want a baby' market, but if I were you and had any resources, I'd look to hire a sharp copywriter like Danielle Lynn or Bambii (Laura) to do it right. If I need to know what time it is, I don't start learning how to build a clock, y'know.
    _____
    Bruce
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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Well someone paid me $100 to write it. So....I don't think they would write it for me for $100. Heh.
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

      Sebastian, can I make a suggestion?...

      I don't write for the 'want a baby' market, but if I were you and had any resources, I'd look to hire a sharp copywriter like Danielle Lynn or Bambii (Laura) to do it right. If I need to know what time it is, I don't start learning how to build a clock, y'know.
      _____
      Bruce
      Bruce,

      How come you couldn't write copy for the get-pregnant niche? It's just a matter of learning the driving emotions of this target group and writing in the correct voice.

      Alex
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      • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
        Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

        Bruce,

        How come you couldn't write copy for the get-pregnant niche? It's just a matter of learning the driving emotions of this target group and writing in the correct voice.

        Alex
        Hi Alex,

        You bring up a good point.

        However, I don't think it's a matter of "could he" but a matter of "who he thinks would be better suited."

        It's a common practice of copywriters to direct clients looking for writers in certain markets towards appropriate niche copywriters.

        If someone wanted me to write copy from the perspective of an experienced business man, could I do it? Yes. But I'd point them in Bruce's direction first, since it would take a lot less imagination from him.
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        • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
          Originally Posted by DanielleLynnCopy View Post

          Hi Alex,

          You bring up a good point.

          However, I don't think it's a matter of "could he" but a matter of "who he thinks would be better suited."
          Danielle Lynn,

          I disagree with the premise that a female copywriter is "better suited" to write copy for the get-pregnant niche. Once a male copywriter learns the driving emotions of the market, he doesn't need to yearn for a baby to write effective copy.

          And it's the other way around. After the necessary research, a female copywriter can write effective copy for a prostate remedy without having to go to the bathroom every hour.

          As copywriters, we MUST get out of our own minds. And away from our own feelings.

          Alex
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          • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
            Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

            Danielle Lynn,

            I disagree with the premise that a female copywriter is "better suited" to write copy for the get-pregnant niche. Once a male copywriter learns the driving emotions of the market, he doesn't need to yearn for a baby to write effective copy.

            And it's the other way around. After the necessary research, a female copywriter can write effective copy for a prostate remedy without having to go to the bathroom every hour.

            As copywriters, we MUST get out of our own minds. And away from our own feelings.

            Alex
            Hi Alex,

            I agree with your statement - being female doesn't simply qualify a person to write in the get-pregnant niche.

            Neither does being male give only men the license to write on prostate problems.

            However, I believe you've missed my point:

            A good copywriter can write for just about any market they choose. Heck, I've spent the last 3 months writing copy that appeals to industrial workers and manufacturing CEOs - and I can assure you I'm neither

            My original comment was offering an answer your question as to why would Bruce pass along a chance to work on pregnancy copy.

            An equally good answer may be that he's simply not interested in writing for that market.

            I can attest that as easy as it would be for me to learn how to write about prostates, it's likely a project I would pass on in favor for a subject that interests me.
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            • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
              An equally good answer may be that he's simply not interested in writing for that market.
              Bruce can answer my question if he so chooses... there's no need for a 3rd party to guess.

              Alex
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              • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
                Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                Bruce can answer my question if he so chooses... there's no need for a 3rd party to guess.

                Alex
                No need? I disagree. I've had fun - and I think we've touched on some excellent copy topics

                In fact, that's what makes this forum so fantastic - two people sharing their views and talkin' copy.

                But if that's your way of saying you're done talking, then I wish you a very festive Cinco de Mayo.
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              • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
                Originally Posted by Alex Cohen View Post

                Bruce can answer my question if he so chooses... there's no need for a 3rd party to guess. Alex
                Of course he has to bother checking back here..:-)

                Alex, a long time ago I might have agreed with you. (mostly).

                I used to write all the copy, newsletters, short promo books and anything you could think of for a moderately famous female lecturer/speaker.

                We got along great and she did pretty good business, on and off the platform. And I honestly thought I had captured her voice, and pretty much would have said, "yeh, any good copywriter, male or female, can write in any authentic voice for either gender..."

                But looking back, I now see two problems:

                One, I wasn't as good as I thought I was and two, it was too much work.

                It did not come naturally, and being better now, I can see all the flaws in what I produced. I thought I was connected to her way of expression, her uniquely feminine mind, but I was only mimicking it. Maybe not badly, but I think it was detectable.

                ...I'm aware that top copywriters like Carline Cole write a lot for men's health products, and she's very good....but I think she's quite exceptional, too.

                Alex wrote: "How come you couldn't write copy for the get-pregnant niche?

                I didn't say I COULDN'T write for the 'get pregnant niche', I just said I DON'T. Big difference. I don't write for the New Age market, or the monster truck market or the adult education market or a whole slew of others.

                Alex wrote: "It's just a matter of learning the driving emotions of this target group and writing in the correct voice."

                Gee, when you put it like that, it does sound easy. Of course it's not, but it does sound easy.

                I'm not interested in challenges, I want to do more of what I have proven to be good at. The markets I'm in harmony with are big and pay well, so why kill myself? ...plus pregnancy takes 9 months, that's too long.

                By the way, I identified Danielle and Laura, not because they're women per se, but because they were on the thread, and are both very good copywriters. Anyway good discussion Alex, Danielle & Laura.
                _____
                Bruce
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                • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
                  Sebastion, when writing a piece like the one your Client wants, your sole job is to "sell the click"--not the product.

                  Just get them to the page and that page WILL take care of the rest.

                  Look at it this way.

                  The pregnancymiracle.com is one of the top promotions on ClickBank, and it is THE TOP promotion for it's niche. It has had a consistent gravity of over 180 for the last 5 years.

                  There's no way you can do a better job on such short notice. So don't try. Let IT do it's job. Which it can. All you have to do, is get people to that page and your client will think you a hero.

                  If your client does their job, they'll get the right traffic to your piece.

                  So what's the strategy? Well, if you going to be persuasive, be persuasive by selling the click.

                  1. I'd talk about a single strategy which the product embraces and elaborate on that. And then make an short offer to hook the reader up with more strategies. (This works really well especailly if there are lots of strategies and you can create lots of pieces.)

                  2. Or I would have a "Reader's Digest version" of a woman's heartfelt desire to have a baby and all the things that DIDN'T work and how much it cost her in time as well as money, as well as needlessly raising her hopes. (Again, you can have several different variations and at the end of each make an offer and direct them to pregnancymiracle.com.)

                  3. Obviously, you can do a rave review. But that will probably come off as inauthentic. What you can do is write articles which identify the flaws in other infertility strategies. And then, if someone wants more information, you direct them to pregnancymiracle.com.

                  Basically, when all the fluff is stripped away, your job is to inform... sound knowledgeable, empathetic and credible... and/or newsworthy. That's how you sell the click. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

                  - Rick Duris
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                • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
                  Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

                  Of course he has to bother checking back here..:-)

                  Alex, a long time ago I might have agreed with you. (mostly).

                  I used to write all the copy, newsletters, short promo books and anything you could think of for a moderately famous female lecturer/speaker.

                  We got along great and she did pretty good business, on and off the platform. And I honestly thought I had captured her voice, and pretty much would have said, "yeh, any good copywriter, male or female, can write in any authentic voice for either gender..."

                  But looking back, I now see two problems:

                  One, I wasn't as good as I thought I was and two, it was too much work.

                  It did not come naturally, and being better now, I can see all the flaws in what I produced. I thought I was connected to her way of expression, her uniquely feminine mind, but I was only mimicking it. Maybe not badly, but I think it was detectable.

                  ...I'm aware that top copywriters like Carline Cole write a lot for men's health products, and she's very good....but I she's quite exceptional, too.

                  Alex wrote: "How come you couldn't write copy for the get-pregnant niche?

                  I didn't say I COULDN'T write for the 'get pregnant niche', I just said I DON'T. Big difference. I don't write for the New Age market, or the monster truck market or the adult education market or a whole slew of others.

                  Alex wrote: "It's just a matter of learning the driving emotions of this target group and writing in the correct voice."

                  Gee, when you put it like that, it does sound easy. Of course it's not, but it does sound easy.

                  I'm not interested in challenges, I want to do more of what I have proven to be good at. The markets I'm in harmony with are big and pay well, so why kill myself? ...plus pregnancy takes 9 months, that's too long.

                  By the way, I identified Danielle and Laura, not because they're women per se, but because they were on the thread, and are both very good copywriters. Anyway good discussion Alex, Danielle & Laura.
                  _____
                  Bruce
                  Bruce,

                  Thanks for explaining what you meant.

                  Alex
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                • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
                  Originally Posted by brucerby View Post

                  I'm not interested in challenges, I want to do more of what I have proven to be good at. The markets I'm in harmony with are big and pay well, so why kill myself? ...
                  Well said, Bruce
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Originally Posted by Sebastion View Post

    Hi guys. I need to re-write this. It's a short piece that leads to a sales page. I just need some guidance. Thanks.
    Sebastion,

    You've been asked to rewrite a presell page.

    Since there's so many review pages out there for Pregnancy Miracle, first read over some of the better ones. That will give you a good idea of what this market responds to.

    And remember... you're not trying to sell your readers. You're trying to warm them up for the actual sales letter.

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Thanks Alex. The client picked me out of a crap load of writers of elance based off one sales page I wrote. He wants the copy to be "Very Persuasive." So I'm not sure what angle to take. Not bragging just that I feel a bit of pressure, as usual.

      So this should be in the third person?

      Thanks I'll look for some other pre sell pages.
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    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Ok here is another pre sell page. Is this what I should be shooting for? I may need to talk to the client about what is required for this job.

      Pregnancy Miracle Download. SCAM or MIRACLE Book? Lisa Olson's Pregnancy Miracle Book Review!

      Oh yeah and the site is a review site. So maybe I should write the copy as a review? I took this on a really short deadline (By Saturday) and the client didn't tell me much other than, "Be persuasive."
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  • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
    Pregnancy Miracle Reviews Scam - B.S. CRAP Exposed!

    Check this one out. It's probably a man writing about how he is a woman that got pregnant thanks to this book. It's actually quite effective. The writer takes the "I'm sick of all the fake reviews!" angle.

    And this one tells a story....

    http://www.howcanigetpregnant.org/pr...iew-experience

    So many options.
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