Need some market insider informations, searching for headline improvement

I think you need a whole rewrite of the English sales material and the video. Perhaps the German version is fine, but I found the English tough to read and the video almost impossible to listen to for any length of time.

Yep - I think you need the whole thing rewritten. Feedback - You use the word "and" too often. Also, it's unnecessarily long winded. For example:

"3 Reasons Why You Will Be Able To Increase Your Sales Conversion Rate And Your Email Opt-In Rate With ONBETOO"

Could be:

""3 Reasons Why You'll Be Able To Increase Your Conversion Rate And Your Opt-In Rate With ONBETOO" (Condensed "Will" to "You'll," changed "Sales Conversion" to "Conversion" and "Email Opt-In" to "Opt-In.)

It's the same thing all over the page - Very long winded, saying things in too many words. Shorten it up and learn some slang. Copy should be written in a casual voice, not a longwinded highly correct English manner.

Dude - this aint English - And "disires" in your headline should read "desires". Try Spellchecking your copy.

First let me make this clear -- I am not a professional copywriter and do not
want to become one. With that said I have spent thousands of dollars learning
how to write copy for my Tax Practice..

Here are a few things I learned

Put yourself in the place of the target market (keyword research helps
you get ideas of what people who you target are searching for)

Create a problem (agitate them) & empathize with them

Use emotional triggers- fear (in the tax business people fear irs and audits) - love
family-poverty-hate-children-loneliness-etc

Solve the problem - provide the solution

Use bullet point to describe benefits not just features not . Features describe what
you can do but benefits answers the question 'Whats in it for me" You don't need
eloquent words but you have answer the question even if you think it is obvious -

Your clients might want more traffic
To build a responsive list
Increased sales conversion
Establishing themselves as an authority

You need to tell them in bullets How your ability to enter into the minds
of there clients will get them what they want and state it clearly.. don't
assume it is obvious

Close with an irresistible offer and a guarantee that is off the charts sample
of one used by my instructors would go like this ...

"I am giving you a 100% rock solid - peace of mind 1 year guarantee
that if for any reason you decide that my service did not meet your
expectations I will refund every penny plus give you an additional $100"

Now please remember I am not a professional copywriter... I suggest you
listen to the pros ... I am only sharing a few things that I have learned and
have worked for me in my offline marketing... I am just now starting to apply
these things in my online marketing ...

Hope something said is helpful

The impression I get is that the "super-seller" is a new and improved sales page -- but then, in the next phrase it's clear that you're talking about a person -- presumably you (I didn't go to your website).

So in the reader's mind you have an immediate disconnect -- and therefore, right then and there, you will lose most of your readers -- because they're distracted, confused and doubt your ability to write a super-seller sales page.

That's a statement without legs, a claim without proof. Have you provided any credibility elements -- proof --that you know this target market, and know their hot-buttons -- or is it everyone in general that you're talking about. Either way, I now know you're blowing hot air - it's all just hype.

And desires do not automatically equate with dreams, plus you say "these" dreams -- you haven't identified the dreams.

If you said one or the other, automatically or immediately, and not the other, would the message be less impactful, less understood.

In a headline less is usually more. Unnecessary words need to be deleted.

Look, headlines are not easy to write - yet it is the single most important element of a sales letter. You can write the best sales letter in the history of marketing and sales, but if your readers can't get past the headline, it won't be read.

My advice -- say just one thing in your headline - using the absolute minimum number of words -- and say exactly what your reader wants to read --then again, if you know what their dreams and desires are, it shouldn't be all that hard.

Good luck.

I have two ideas for you:
1. EDIT - take a pencil and strike out every word you can remove - without changing meaning. Be merciless. If you can strike it with out changing the meaning - do it. This will quickly cure your wordiness.

2. SAY IT OUT LOUD TO SOMEONE - How about you find someone reasonably bright, between nine and 15 years old. A native English speaker. Sit down with them and an audio recorder (maybe the one on your smart phone). Read them your letter sentence by sentence. Ask them if they understand it. Ask them to say it in their own words. By the end of the session, you will have a sense of what needs to be fixed. You can listen back and re-write it and try it again with another person. Keep that up and after four or five tries - I predict you will have a simple straight forward compelling sales letter. I have never done this before - but I know that the mind works by ear. This is a key point in Jack Trout's world wide best selling classic marketing book "Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind." Jack is a vivid, clear, succinct writer. If you emulate his style, you can't go wrong. If you write so it can be understood by a listener - it will automatically work better in print.

Good luck!

RJH

@Robert,

thank you for your advice.

It sounds really good. And thank you for the book tip I'll have a look at this.

Best wishes.

Dirk