Need some market insider informations, searching for headline improvement

by henndi
16 replies
Hello Warriors,

I'm searching for a headline improvement maybe you could help me out?

I wrote:

"Fire your old sales page and hire a super-seller instead, who knows your customers' disires, and will make these dreams come true, immediately and automatically!"

But I got the feedback, that "super" is hyped up.

Which proposals do you have?

I'm wondering about "mega seller" or "#1 seller"...

What do you think?

Please ignore the signature, I do not want to promote the product at this post. I really want to get a feedback about the headline... Sorry
#headline #improvement #informations #insider #market #searching
  • I think you need a whole rewrite of the English sales material and the video. Perhaps the German version is fine, but I found the English tough to read and the video almost impossible to listen to for any length of time.
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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel View Post

      I think you need a whole rewrite of the English sales material and the video. Perhaps the Danish version is fine, but I found the English tough to read and the video almost impossible to listen to for any length of time.

      Hi Joe,

      thank you for your open words.

      I suppose that you visit the home page of ONBETOO?

      Because I did not published the sales page.

      Did you get problems with the sound of the video or do you mean the music in combination with the screen capture video and the way in which the video was made?

      The sales page about I was asking in the case of the headline is that page: Fire your old sales page and hire a super-seller instead | OnBeToo

      Thank you for your help.

      Best wishes.

      Dirk
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      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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      • Originally Posted by henndi View Post

        The sales page about I was asking in the case of the headline is that page: Fire your old sales page and hire a super-seller instead | OnBeToo

        Thank you for your help.

        Best wishes.

        Dirk
        I still say the same thing for the sales page you linked. It is not translated into English well or is just awkward.
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        Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
        - Jack Trout
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        • Profile picture of the author henndi
          Originally Posted by Joe Ditzel View Post

          I still say the same thing for the sales page you linked. It is not translated into English well or is just awkward.
          Thank you for your feedback. I'll going to improve it.
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          Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

          How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

          Look at this game changing software

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  • Profile picture of the author Derek Pankaew
    Yep - I think you need the whole thing rewritten. Feedback - You use the word "and" too often. Also, it's unnecessarily long winded. For example:

    "3 Reasons Why You Will Be Able To Increase Your Sales Conversion Rate And Your Email Opt-In Rate With ONBETOO"

    Could be:

    ""3 Reasons Why You'll Be Able To Increase Your Conversion Rate And Your Opt-In Rate With ONBETOO" (Condensed "Will" to "You'll," changed "Sales Conversion" to "Conversion" and "Email Opt-In" to "Opt-In.)

    It's the same thing all over the page - Very long winded, saying things in too many words. Shorten it up and learn some slang. Copy should be written in a casual voice, not a longwinded highly correct English manner.
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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      Originally Posted by Derek Pankaew View Post

      Yep - I think you need the whole thing rewritten. Feedback - You use the word "and" too often. Also, it's unnecessarily long winded.
      Hi Derek,

      thank you for your hint and the good examples. I know this is the biggest problem of the translation from German to English.

      The German are pros to create complicated sentences. It is hard to us to short down :-)

      It's the same thing all over the page - Very long winded, saying things in too many words. Shorten it up and learn some slang. Copy should be written in a casual voice, not a longwinded highly correct English manner.
      Does this mean also for the home page, because this page is not the sales page or copy it is the official company home page?

      Best wishes.

      Dirk
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      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Dude - this aint English -
    Paint off, you would not have no longer to persuade each customer on hard or difficult way to buy, but would be benefit from rapturous receptions, because you are the first one, who finally dares to fulfill their desires and didn’t try to palm some kind of crap off on them.
    And "disires" in your headline should read "desires". Try Spellchecking your copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Dude - this aint English - And "disires" in your headline should read "desires". Try Spellchecking your copy.

      Good hint, I'll go through once more. :-)
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      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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    • Profile picture of the author Toniy
      Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

      Dude - this aint English - And "disires" in your headline should read "desires". Try Spellchecking your copy.
      .......

      I'm going to sit off to the side on this one... 'disires' definitely the first thing to catch my attention.


      However I'm going to try really hard to use 'rapturous receptions' in at least ONE of my sales letters this year...
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  • Profile picture of the author go4wealth
    First let me make this clear -- I am not a professional copywriter and do not
    want to become one. With that said I have spent thousands of dollars learning
    how to write copy for my Tax Practice..

    Here are a few things I learned

    Put yourself in the place of the target market (keyword research helps
    you get ideas of what people who you target are searching for)

    Create a problem (agitate them) & empathize with them

    Use emotional triggers- fear (in the tax business people fear irs and audits) - love
    family-poverty-hate-children-loneliness-etc

    Solve the problem - provide the solution

    Use bullet point to describe benefits not just features not . Features describe what
    you can do but benefits answers the question 'Whats in it for me" You don't need
    eloquent words but you have answer the question even if you think it is obvious -

    Your clients might want more traffic
    To build a responsive list
    Increased sales conversion
    Establishing themselves as an authority

    You need to tell them in bullets How your ability to enter into the minds
    of there clients will get them what they want and state it clearly.. don't
    assume it is obvious

    Close with an irresistible offer and a guarantee that is off the charts sample
    of one used by my instructors would go like this ...

    "I am giving you a 100% rock solid - peace of mind 1 year guarantee
    that if for any reason you decide that my service did not meet your
    expectations I will refund every penny plus give you an additional $100"

    Now please remember I am not a professional copywriter... I suggest you
    listen to the pros ... I am only sharing a few things that I have learned and
    have worked for me in my offline marketing... I am just now starting to apply
    these things in my online marketing ...

    Hope something said is helpful
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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      @go4wealth,

      thank you for your detailed response.

      Of course it helps a lot to get such detailed information from a practitioner.

      I'll compare your advices with my sales copy and will wondering about how to merge them into it.

      Have a nice weekend.

      Best wishes.

      Dirk
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      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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  • Profile picture of the author BarryADensa
    "Fire your old sales page and hire a super-seller instead,"
    The impression I get is that the "super-seller" is a new and improved sales page -- but then, in the next phrase it's clear that you're talking about a person -- presumably you (I didn't go to your website).

    So in the reader's mind you have an immediate disconnect -- and therefore, right then and there, you will lose most of your readers -- because they're distracted, confused and doubt your ability to write a super-seller sales page.

    who knows your customers' disires, and will make these dreams come true
    That's a statement without legs, a claim without proof. Have you provided any credibility elements -- proof --that you know this target market, and know their hot-buttons -- or is it everyone in general that you're talking about. Either way, I now know you're blowing hot air - it's all just hype.

    And desires do not automatically equate with dreams, plus you say "these" dreams -- you haven't identified the dreams.

    immediately and automatically!"
    If you said one or the other, automatically or immediately, and not the other, would the message be less impactful, less understood.

    In a headline less is usually more. Unnecessary words need to be deleted.

    Look, headlines are not easy to write - yet it is the single most important element of a sales letter. You can write the best sales letter in the history of marketing and sales, but if your readers can't get past the headline, it won't be read.

    My advice -- say just one thing in your headline - using the absolute minimum number of words -- and say exactly what your reader wants to read --then again, if you know what their dreams and desires are, it shouldn't be all that hard.

    Good luck.
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    Download a FREE copy of my new eBook, containing 21 of my most outrageous rants, when you visit my blog: Marketing Wit & Wisdom

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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      Originally Posted by BarryADensa View Post

      The impression I get is that the "super-seller" is a new and improved sales page -- but then, in the next phrase it's clear that you're talking about a person -- presumably you (I didn't go to your website).

      So in the reader's mind you have an immediate disconnect -- and therefore, right then and there, you will lose most of your readers -- because they're distracted, confused and doubt your ability to write a super-seller sales page.
      Hi Barry, thank you for this information. You are right it is a disconnect but 60% of the page visitors was walking to the next page.

      That means, that when I include your advise it should be much more. Thank you very much.



      That's a statement without legs, a claim without proof. Have you provided any credibility elements -- proof --that you know this target market, and know their hot-buttons -- or is it everyone in general that you're talking about. Either way, I now know you're blowing hot air - it's all just hype.
      My information about giving a proof is not have to do this in the headline. But this is a interesting new idea to do this.

      The the software tool about what I'm talking at this page is not a hype it is a game changing software. For that, thanks for this hint because ONBETOO gets a wrong note and the sales message seems to be failed.

      And desires do not automatically equate with dreams, plus you say "these" dreams -- you haven't identified the dreams.
      Good hint, because they are not equal I loose the target message. You are right.


      In a headline less is usually more. Unnecessary words need to be deleted.

      Look, headlines are not easy to write - yet it is the single most important element of a sales letter. You can write the best sales letter in the history of marketing and sales, but if your readers can't get past the headline, it won't be read.

      My advice -- say just one thing in your headline - using the absolute minimum number of words -- and say exactly what your reader wants to read --then again, if you know what their dreams and desires are, it shouldn't be all that hard.

      Good luck.
      You are right. I recognize how difficult it is :-)

      But thank you for your advices I will implement them into my page and maybe next time I could guide you to the next page to show to you the dream for every copy writer:

      To have a Internet application which display every single customer of the sales page - which the copy writer created - a target and tailored message.

      No longer sales message to a big group of potential customers with hope to have the target traffic at the page for them you created that sales copy.

      Only having the knowledge that every visitor will show the best fitting sales message for him. Which the copy writer wrote in advanced at the base of highly target questions and answers which the prospect loves to participate.

      Best wishes.

      Dirk
      Signature

      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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  • Profile picture of the author depuepedro
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    • Profile picture of the author henndi
      Originally Posted by depuepedro View Post

      I found the English tough to read and the video almost impossible to listen to for any length of time.
      Thank you for your feedback.
      It sounds that you are speaking through the mouth of Joe ;-)

      I know I have to improve the page onbetoo.com...

      Best wishes.

      Dirk
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      Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

      How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

      Look at this game changing software

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  • I have two ideas for you:
    1. EDIT - take a pencil and strike out every word you can remove - without changing meaning. Be merciless. If you can strike it with out changing the meaning - do it. This will quickly cure your wordiness.

    2. SAY IT OUT LOUD TO SOMEONE - How about you find someone reasonably bright, between nine and 15 years old. A native English speaker. Sit down with them and an audio recorder (maybe the one on your smart phone). Read them your letter sentence by sentence. Ask them if they understand it. Ask them to say it in their own words. By the end of the session, you will have a sense of what needs to be fixed. You can listen back and re-write it and try it again with another person. Keep that up and after four or five tries - I predict you will have a simple straight forward compelling sales letter. I have never done this before - but I know that the mind works by ear. This is a key point in Jack Trout's world wide best selling classic marketing book "Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind." Jack is a vivid, clear, succinct writer. If you emulate his style, you can't go wrong. If you write so it can be understood by a listener - it will automatically work better in print.

    Good luck!

    RJH
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  • Profile picture of the author henndi
    @Robert,

    thank you for your advice.

    It sounds really good. And thank you for the book tip I'll have a look at this.

    Best wishes.

    Dirk
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    Imaging you own a salespage which publish for every single visitor a different content, based on his personal needs...

    How much percentage your salesrate should be increase?

    Look at this game changing software

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