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14 years ago

I would delete the first few sentences in the first paragraph:

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You have a business (or you're building one) and you know you have something to offer. You also know you have to connect with the people who want what you're selling. The premise is simple, but it's not always simple to do. The truth is, no matter how many hours of training you took, how much money you paid for your website, or even how valuable your product or service is, unless the right words grab your potential customer's attention and move them to act... your efforts will never convert to money. You can't pay your bills with wasted effort...

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Reword it slightly, but I think the first few lines are a little weak. Seems like you're trying to pace-pace-lead, but really it's just not attention catching.

Overall, you're using too much "I" and too little "you." For example, your subheads are:

I Can Help
How Do I Do It?
How Am I Qualified to Handle Your Marketing Copy?

It's very I-centered. Someone scanning just the subheads (which they will) won't hear much benefit to them. Your subheads need to be benefit-driven and attention catching, just like the headline. And they should be you-centered.

Actually, overall once I actually get to reading the copy it's quite good. It talks about going into their customer's psychology, it talks about how you're going to research their company, etc. I quite like it once I get past the non-attention-catchingness.

So, my feedback is that your opening paragraph and your subheads need to be better. A lot better. The body copy is quite good already.

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CopyWriteHer 14 years ago

Thanks, Derek. I see what you're saying and will work on that.
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- ThomasOMalley 14 years ago
  
  Review the websites of other copywriters. I wouldn't use a long scrolling web page if you are trying to get business to business copywriting work.
  
  In that case, create a website with navigation tabs...Home page, Who I
  Work With, How I Work With You, Quote, Samples, About Us, Contact Us etc.
  
  Review Dan Furman's book, Do the Web Write. It's good book for writing websites that sell services, such as copywriting.
  
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  marciayudkin 14 years ago
  
  So many opinions - which way should you approach your target market?
  
  This is what you might imagine as the mindset of your customer, but do those who are worrying in this fashion make your best clients?
  
  I don't think so. This approach is targeting people who are confused and indecisive. Unless you truly enjoy helping people with that profile and have a history of being persuasive with them, you might do far better to target people who are decisive, busy and results-oriented. They make great clients - they're respectful, they pay on time, they don't play needy games, don't kick up a big fuss over insignificant details and they come back when they need you again.
  
  Think about it.
  
  Marcia Yudkin
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  Check out Marcia Yudkin's No-Hype Marketing Academy for courses on copywriting, publicity, infomarketing, marketing plans, naming, and branding - not to mention the popular "Marketing for Introverts" course.
  
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writerforhire

14 years ago

It's a very good first draft, but I have a few random suggestions to offer.

The positioning of the phrase "(and they will all be glad to sell you the new, great thing)" is awkwardly placed, because you just finished talking about the confused business owners who are ready to rip out their hair; so, for a couple seconds, I wasn't sure who you're referring to.

On the whole, the message seems well thought-out, but the sentences are too long and I think you could tighten up the message by eliminating a few statements that, IMO, don't carry their weight. Two examples are: "The premise is simple, but it's not always simple to do." and "You can't pay your bills with wasted effort..."

The natural tendency among writers -- myself included -- is to be too verbose. We all need to take a close look at our writing and ask ourselves "How much of this can I cut out without losing the impact or flow of my message?" In your case, you sought out some objective 'second opinions', which is the best way to critique your own work. Otherwise we get too close to the forest to see the trees (or is it the other way around?)

Anyway, keep refining and tightening up your message-- it's definitely on the right track; and always keep in mind the people in your audience who have short attention spans and who continually wonder "What's in it for meee?"

Hope that helps!

--Joel
"Marketing Survival Kit.com"

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Azarna 14 years ago

I am not a copywriting expert, but the stuff I have read on the subject has repeatedly said how important it is to concentrate not on yourself but on the benefits of your product/service to your customer.

In other words, there should be far more instances of 'you' than 'I'.

So perhaps more emphasis on how it will improve your potential customer's lives?
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CopyWriteHer 14 years ago

Joel - I was thinking the same thing about the placement of the snippet of text you mentioned. I was going to change it, but I try to make myself leave it alone for a few hours and then come back and review it (which is what I am doing now).

Thomas - I considered that too. I think my mistake in writing the copy longer came from thinking I needed to demonstrate some "worth and reason" for them to read further (and that if I didn't, they might not click through the navigation tabs).

I have 2 questions at this stage:
1. As Marcia pointed out, the clients one really wants to work with are those who know they need a copywriter. This remains a bit of a teetering point for me; in studying successful copywriter's websites, I see some who go into benefits of hiring a copywriter and so forth... so should I be talking about it or shouldn't I? That is my main question right now.

2. My thinking behind approaching the confusion of how to market (with the subhead "So many opinions - which way should you approach your target market?") was not that the client would not realize they need to reach their audience through copy, but that they might not know "how". I saw this as one of the problems that people hire a copywriter to solve - to more effectively drill down to the best words and arrangement to reach their target market. I realize that some people hire a copywriter because they are short on time (or would have done it themselves), but am I really targeting a "bad bunch" by that subheading? If I am, I certainly want to rework that. Thoughts?

Thanks so much to everyone who took time to read and comment.
- Thanks
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marciayudkin

14 years ago

Thanks so much to everyone who took time to read and comment.

Here on the Warrior Forum, people appreciate getting thanks in the form of you pushing the "thanks" button. I notice you haven't done that once yet, though you've been getting good and useful advice from many other forum members. Not sure where the Thanks button is? When you're looking at a post that was helpful to you, it's in the lower right corner of their post. It takes just a second to click it.

Marcia Yudkin

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Danielle Lynn

14 years ago

Originally Posted by marciayudkin

Here on the Warrior Forum, people appreciate getting thanks in the form of you pushing the "thanks" button. I notice you haven't done that once yet, though you've been getting good and useful advice from many other forum members. Not sure where the Thanks button is? When you're looking at a post that was helpful to you, it's in the lower right corner of their post. It takes just a second to click it.

Marcia Yudkin

Now, that was just the sort of useful tidbit that the 'thanks' button was made for.

To CopyWriteHer,

Welcome to the world of copywriting. First off, it takes a lot of guts to post up your first attempt here and 'bare all' for everyone to see.

Like Azarna mentioned, you'll get more eyeballs if you spend less time talking about what you bring to the table and more time talking about your client. Seems weird since you're selling your services, right?

Not too tough.

Focus on what you're bringing to the table in the form of the benefits they're receive working with you. Omit the "I" and let them picture all the goodies they get from your copy — like more money.

Another thing to note, parenthesis place awkward road bumps for your readers. I like using parenthesis (heck, I'm doing it right now!) and it's fun as an 'aside' for when you're writing a blog post, but at the level you're using it, it's counter productive.

Embedded into your sales copy as you have it now, it looks like you can't get a full thought constructed into a normal sentence.

As for the copy overall, Marcia has a great point. Who are you targeting? Doing a scattershot will only attract vague, confused customers. Write copy that attracts the clients you want.

In regards to your questions:

1) You should go into the reasons why they should work with YOU. Why should they work with you over other Copywriters? Some copywriters have special niches, others have proven track records, some have snazzy writing styles, others focus on price points.

What is your USP?

2) Think a bit more about what you're trying to say. Then write it out in the simplest way you can think of. Start there.

Great first try!
Danielle

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Give me 15 minutes and I'll show you where your sales are dropping off â€“ and how to lift them

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Steve The Copywriter 14 years ago

I've done a bit of editing for you - to make your message flow easier.

Changed a few words for a bit more impact.

And split your paragraphs into bite size chunks.

Of course you can use the ideas from the others in your copy.

You have a business (or you're building one) and you know you have something great to offer.

But you must connect with the people who want what you're selling.

Unless the right words grab your potential customer's attention and move them to act... your efforts will never convert to money.

You can't pay your bills with wasted effort...

Want To Know What Really Works?

The key is knowing how to match the right approach with your specific target customer.

If you don't hook them on a psychological/ emotional level, you might as well flush money down the toilet.

This is where I come in...

I get inside your target customer's mind and use that information to produce copy that makes your audience feel like you understand them (and have a solution to their problem).

When your target customer feels like you're copy speaks directly to them (as opposed to "the market"), your sales increase.

How Do I Do It?

I interview you. I research your market. Using specific research techniques, I get to the heart of what matters to your target customer.

I turn it over and over... until I know him or her, as though they were a close personal friend.

Then, I write... instinctively, emotionally, and in a highly individualized way.

The success of your business depends on the quality of your written marketing material and I take that very seriously.

Why Am I Qualified To Handle Your Marketing Copy?

As well as my formal education in advertising and psychology.

I walk the walk.

Prior to my copywriting career, I made a living in an industry where getting inside the head of my potential clients was VITAL to my success...

In situations where I often had less than 30 seconds to size up the person on the other end of the phone (and make the sale).

Not only did I close the sale more than 95% of the time, but I kept them coming back... again and again.

If I hadn't been successful, my family would have been without electricity and a roof over their heads.

I am qualified to handle your project because I've been making great money using words and instinct for more than 7 years.

I get it...

Imagine putting that experience and skill to work for you.

Are you ready to increase your opt in list, raise the bar on your sales, and connect with the people who want what you're selling?

Contact me for a free, no-pressure consultation and find out how I can help you grow your business with powerful copy.

Get in touch with me at

Hope this helps,

Steve
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- RickDuris 14 years ago
  
  With regards to your copy, I have a couple comments:
  
  1. First, my opinion is that you are selling a "steak" and not the "sizzle".
  
  2. Most business owners I talk to care less about what I do or how I do it, and more about the results they're going to achieve by using my copy, or the copy I am going to write for them. (In other words, they are intent on seeing me write in a specific style.)
  
  3. I believe you might want to consider ramping up the emotions of your prospect, and making your copy less educational or academic. Maybe you can agitate their pain or describe the feelings of having a great piece of copy written for their product or service and seeing it produce multiples of what they invested in creating the promotion.
  
  Or look for a way, that you can get them involved in your copy. Get them to see you may be not is just a copywriter, but one who knows how to market, or one who has the resources and tools to understand the "hot buttons" of their market.
  
  4. One of the things that I really liked about your copy was when you alluded to your experience as a telemarketer. It was emotional, it was results oriented, and it allowed the person reading to be able to connect the dots.
  
  If you could write your entire piece with that same level of passion and emotion, I think you would do well.
  
  Good luck,
  
  - Rick Duris
  
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CopyWriteHer

14 years ago

Thanks, Danielle. The use of parenthesis was actually my following the advice of Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero, of Red Hot Copy. I've found that when I use one person's best advice, it often conflicts with someone else's best advice. That part can be a bit confusing.

Originally Posted by Danielle Lynn

Now, that was just the sort of useful tidbit that the 'thanks' button was made for.

Another thing to note, parenthesis place awkward road bumps for your readers. I like using parenthesis (heck, I'm doing it right now!) and it's fun as an 'aside' for when you're writing a blog post, but at the level you're using it, it's counter productive.

Embedded into your sales copy as you have it now, it looks like you can't get a full thought constructed into a normal sentence.

Danielle

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1 reply

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Danielle Lynn

14 years ago

Originally Posted by CopyWriteHer

Thanks, Danielle. The use of parenthesis was actually my following the advice of Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero, of Red Hot Copy. I've found that when I use one person's best advice, it often conflicts with someone else's best advice. That part can be a bit confusing.

Well, here's the thing: if you strategically plan for your readers to stop where you place your parenthesis, for emphasis or effect, then it can work very well.

But I was noticing the way you were using it wasn't really adding to what you were saying as much as it was slowing me down as I read it. But yes, used right and it can be an 'aside' or a way to seem like you're 'letting them in on something.'

You're developing your 'copy business' voice. And that voice and style will vary from writer to writer.

Truth be told, the best advice on here is that you need to develop your hook, refine it, and build off that.

And don't get discouraged

Feel free to PM me anytime you like if you have any questions.

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CopyWriteHer

14 years ago

I did know where it was, yes. I tend to think saying thanks is more personal than clicking the button, and I always "say" thanks... kind of like writing a note by hand as opposed to sending an email. I have noted the preference and used the feature accordingly :-)

Originally Posted by marciayudkin

Here on the Warrior Forum, people appreciate getting thanks in the form of you pushing the "thanks" button. I notice you haven't done that once yet, though you've been getting good and useful advice from many other forum members. Not sure where the Thanks button is? When you're looking at a post that was helpful to you, it's in the lower right corner of their post. It takes just a second to click it.

Marcia Yudkin

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 14 years ago

Copyranger is right...but he's being too kind. What he's trying to say is that your copy is boring - forgettable. As others have pointed out - nobody cares about you. They want to know why hiring you to write their sales copy will make them money. So you had a successful gig telemarketing - so what? You think that's going to swing it? It's not. What's going to get people to hire you is to show them you can write persuasive copy. And to do that you need a bloody big hook. You have about 3 seconds to get the reader to take the bait. If you don't have much experience at writing copy - hit us with an entertaining story. Surely you have one from your telemarketing days? Maybe "She was half-naked and answered my call with "What are you trying to sell me and how did you get my silent number?" and then segué into how you were able to turn this around and sell the person a sh*tload of product.

Oh yeah - "I get it". Horrible. Get rid of it. Ever heard of "show, don't tell"?

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CopyWriteHer

14 years ago

copy nazi,

You say, no one cares about me and then you say I should tell a story involving how I handled a telemarketing situation. You say the story would be for entertainment, but surely it has to serve a purpose deeper than that, because potential clients don't seek out a copywriter for entertainment. Would the reason for telling such a story be to demonstrate my skills, so that the reader sees how those skills can increase their profits? That's the only reason I can think of, and if so, it is the same reason I mentioned myself in the copy - which according to you, was quite dumb.

By the way, I've never been a telemarketer. I was referring to a business that I have ran for nearly a decade (and my copy kept my phones ringing, there was no outbound calling involved). There are reasons I chose not to mention the specifics of the business, so I left people to draw their own conclusions on that. I felt that what was important about it, were the transferable skills I used to make it work so well. To clarify, I did not think my having a successful "gig" would inspire people to hire me... but I believe the qualities that make it successful are the same qualities that will serve my client's bottom line. There was a solid thought process behind every thing I said. Some of it may need to go and some of it should probably stay, but I am not ignorant of basic copywriting concepts.

As I have stated to previous posters, I intend to rework some of the copy, taking their suggestions into account. I asked for opinions and I received them. I'm glad I did.

While I find there to be a difference between constructive criticism and being rude, I appreciate the time you took to educate me on your views.

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Copyranger is right...but he's being too kind. What he's trying to say is that your copy is boring - forgettable. As others have pointed out - nobody cares about you. They want to know why hiring you to write their sales copy will make them money. So you had a successful gig telemarketing - so what? You think that's going to swing it? It's not. What's going to get people to hire you is to show them you can write persuasive copy. And to do that you need a bloody big hook. You have about 3 seconds to get the reader to take the bait. If you don't have much experience at writing copy - hit us with an entertaining story. Surely you have one from your telemarketing days? Maybe "She was half-naked and answered my call with "What are you trying to sell me and how did you get my silent number?" and then segué into how you were able to turn this around and sell the person a sh*tload of product.

Oh yeah - "I get it". Horrible. Get rid of it. Ever heard of "show, don't tell"?

Thanks

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EricMN

14 years ago

Lot of good advice, I wanted to chime in, if I may.

2 things about headlines

1. If no one wanted to read the body copy, could they get your full message from your headlines and subheads?

2. Are your headlines 'catchy' or 'informative'. . . because they should be both. No gimmicks, though. You want to catch your reader with what they want, you need to explain what it is they want. Remember. . . you know what they want. Remind them. Agitate it. Dangle it in their face until their eyes glaze over and their mouths quiver -- hands at the back pocket like a it was a six shooter at high noon.

One of your headlines reads "How do I do it?"

How do you do what?

Walk your dog?
Do your laundry?
Boost your profits by having prospects leaping on your buy button? (it's this one)

It's not "Steve made over 5,000 dollars today
It's "Steve raked in a whopping $5,567.43 in ONE DAY - Without leaving his bedroom"

Make the most eye catching words the most powerful. Their eyes go there first, if you lose them there, it might be too late.

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Pusateri

14 years ago

The Copy Nazi ain't warm and fuzzy, but he's right. A blunt critique like that is a great kindness.

Get more client focused. More WHAT and less WHY. This is way too timid. Be BOLD. Differentiate yourself. Be memorable. Say something they don't expect. Have a voice that is yours alone. If you strip out the telemarketing part, this could belong to anyone.

Thanks

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CopyWriteHer

14 years ago

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Pusateri

14 years ago

Originally Posted by CopyWriteHer

I have spent a good deal of time researching the differences in triggers for women and men. I've considered making this a niche specialty - people who want to gain the dollars of the female purchasing segment. I've accumulated some surprising statistics on the amount of buying decisions made by the female of the household.

Businesses are becoming increasingly aware of the need to capture the female market. Harley Davidson, for example, is a company that's ran with this and markets more to women than they used to. Not necessarily because the female riding population has increased that much, but because they recognize that females are the major gift purchasers and often hold the purse strings. Perhaps I should stand on that niche and make that more of the focal point of the main page. Is this the type of "why" rather than "what" you had in mind? If I am not on the same page, feel free to tell me so.

By more WHAT and less WHY I meant more of the benefits they receive from hiring you and less about the mechanics of how you provide them.

But planting your flag as THE copywriteHER...the one that knows how to get women to buy...that's exactly the kind of differentiation I was talking about.

Also, take to heart what Mal said about having three seconds to hook the reader. Make it bold, make it memorable and make it about them.

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