Feedback on my Copy ...

25 replies
Hey guys,

I'm testing a new offer on my site and i'd love some feedback on the copy from you folks who do it all the time. Here it is -

How To Get 10,000 views - Free Report

I'd love your feedback, good or bad.
Thanks in advance

Edit, 29 Oct '11 #1
Folks a little bit of important context I didn't originally explain. This page is presented at the end of an optin sequence, where visitors have already opted in for other stuff they originally joined to get access.

This was intended as "bonus for those interested" and hence is presented at the end of the sequence.

ASCW makes some good points below RE this feeling like a bit of a con, but I hope this explains the intention a bit better. Nevertheless, the original implementation is a bad idea I'm rectifying.

Edit, 29 Oct '11 #2
I've updated the page implementing some of the feedback so kindly provided. It still needs more work but it's more reader-benefits focused. Thanks guys
#copy #feedback
  • Profile picture of the author natebunger
    To be honest, I love it...I even clicked the like button, haha. Heres my in depth feedback.

    Pros..

    I like how it doesn't come off as too hypey. The colors communicate transformation and trust. The words in the sub heading seem to have just the right amount of accent, and the first sentence offers a nice transition into the body copy.

    All the important aspects that you are trying to communicate seem to be above the fold, but just enough so that it entices more reading.

    In general its a quick read to the optin box, and the page in general has a nice feel.

    Cons:

    the only immediate thing I can see is the text towards the bottom is a little small. This may be difficult for some people, including myself to read.

    In the end, I actually interested in learning more, haha, well done Chris
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
    Wow, thanks for your honesty that's really helpful.

    Totally agree with your points. So obvious when someone else points it out :/

    Thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
    No, not bummed dude, very happy to have the feedback.

    I'm keeping the "views" terminology because that's what the target market (YouTubers) use, not hits, but your other points are spot on.

    It's waaay too "me" centric and not enough about how the reader benefits. Giving it an overhaul now ...
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  • Profile picture of the author ASCW
    Hey Chris. I took a look at your page. It's not half-bad for writing it yourself (You're not a copywriter I assume.) In fact just the title of the free report puts you leagues above most users on this forum.
    But there's still a lot of room for improvement. And some quick and easy changes will probably make a pretty big impact.

    Ready?

    Ok here we go.

    First, Your header and page layout. Scrap the header, with the graphics. There is no reason to have anything other than the headline there (especially as your offer stands now). The lighting, etc just makes the headline more difficult to read. And should be scrapped.
    (Sidenote - I notice an increasing amount of people are using graphics or nav bars in the header of their pages. It is almost wrong. And if you look at what the pro's are doing, it's keeping their headers clean.)
    So get rid of the graphic. You want clean, crisp, text boring into your reader's brain pounding them with benefits they care about.
    Also get rid of "compelling.tv. presents..." Because your readers don't care. (I know I don't. I just want my 10,000 views)

    Your "learn what took me 6 months in one hour" isn't bad. But I'd probably expand on it. And be specific. Something along the lines of "Discover how to get X real youtube views in Y time." The reason a line like that would be effective, is the same reason your book title is effective. It's plain, simple, easy to understand, and immediately tells me how to get something I want.

    Second - Change the title of your report to ""How To Get 10,000 Real YouTube Views". That's what you use in your signature and it's effective. I would suggest you add a time modifier to the end of it. So it would read
    "How To Get 10,000 Real YouTube Views in X days(weeks/months/whatever)"

    Third - Shift the copy from writer oriented (bad) to reader oriented (good).
    Here's what I mean...
    When you say

    "I've written a jam-packed report that covers the key techniques, tactics, and tricks I learnt and used to get my 1st 10,000 real YouTube views, and beyond, and the tactics others are using to quickly get far, far more."

    Notice how you are ultimately talking about you, and the report you've written. And how it depicts YOUR JOURNEY, etc. This is bad.
    When pro copywriters say "It's not about you. What's in it for me?"
    They mean don't write the way you did.
    (sidenote: your foul isn't nearly as bad as most warriors. Because while you talk about yourself, you tell me what's in it for me at the same time.
    It could still be stronger though.

    I would try something like this...

    "Inside this valuable report you'll learn key techniques, tactics, and tricks, to get your first 10,000 real YouTube views. Plus more cutting-edge tactics other marketers are using right now, to get even more views."

    And then maybe add

    "These techniques helped me personally get my first 10,000 views, and now they can help you too."

    You commit this foul several times on the page.
    "- I can't tell you how important this report is. The strategies I've documented in this report are 6 months of hard learning condensed into one report which will enable you to replicate what I've done in far less time. I'm talking about this -"

    "The 3 key discoveries i wish i'd made earlier that would have got me in a fraction of the time"

    "Exactly what steps I took to reach 10,000 views and beyond"
    (You could easily change that to a reader-centric bullet by saying...
    "The exact steps to get your first 10,000 views and beyond..."
    You could also make that bullet strong by telling them how many steps.
    For example:
    "The exact X steps to get your first 10,000 views and beyond..."

    You make this mistake in your opener as well.
    "Give this one minute of your time, I promise it's worth it -"



    (Also notice how I changed "jam-packed" to "valuable". Well you can often make something seem more valuable, just by adding the word valuable before it. This lesson really clicked for me, when I read in some advertising book (Can't remember which, but I think it was Cashvertising) they had a list of phrases you could say, to make it easier for them to order. The first one was... "It's Easy To Order..."
    That's just one of the way pro writer's ninja your brain.)
    (P.S. See what I did there? Twice?)

    Moving on...

    Delete these lines: Those views were hard earned, but after a few months of learning, I've worked out the formula for sustaining a constant stream of views to my videos, and you can easily do the same things.

    If you like that, how about this -

    Here's why...

    When you show the first graphic and then immediately have the sub-head
    "an avalanche of views" and then show the 2nd graphic. It validates the sub-head and oozes proof into your copy. The one sentence (should be two sentences anyways) just disrupt that flow.

    Overall I'd change it to this

    1st graphic
    That's the daily views of my first six months on YouTube - a slow start, followed by some spikes of success, and then...
    I uploaded one video that changed my channel forever - increasing my daily subscribers by 500%.
    2nd graphic

    DELETE: After a month or two of launching the channel, I got a little trickle of subscribers every day, then I had an idea...



    That should make your copy more effective.

    ----------------------------------------------------------
    A giant middle finger to you sir (not really...) (no but seriously...)
    ------
    I'm trying to get the free report, because I might be doing youtube stuff in the near future. And am legitimately interested in your free report.
    But I have to get friends to sign up?
    Well
    1) What if I don't have friends who care about video, or even IM?
    2) Why the hell would I try and get my friends to sign-up. When you haven't yet proved that you are trustworthy, and worthy of my email address? I'm willing to take the chance, personally. But I can't push something on my friends something I can't 100% vouch for.
    3) The fact I have to jump through so many hoops is insulting and frustrating. In fact if I wasn't writing this critique you'd quickly be filtered out of my inbox. You say "Join Today To Get Full Access - Free!" But you didn't deliver. I feel like I'm being hamstrung to get my hands on your report!
    4) Why are you making me work so hard for this? This makes no sense to me as a marketer, it is very beneficial to have me (or anybody) who's actually interested in what you have to say on your list. And then this? I can't believe it.

    I don't mean to be harsh, but as a subscriber I am emotionally reeling at this hamster wheel. Surely I can't be alone

    -Andy

    P.S. Send me the free report please AndyWilson22@gmail.com
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    Site being revamped.

    If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

    Cool.

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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
    Andy, thanks for your feedback, really helpful.

    I haven't put something in context, which was a mistake.

    This is not the squeeze page. The squeeze page is actually this ->

    Video Tips Toolbox - Exclusive Subscriber Downloads

    I don't promote the report page directly other than the mention of it on the link above (I fouled up with it being in my sig). People arrive at this page after subscribing to the list.

    So sequence is -

    1. people learn about freebies via home page / videos
    2. Opt-In and Verify
    3. Then they get presented this after signing up - almost like a OTO

    The reason you see the optin is the site is configured to show that to people who access this page directly (ie via link above). Again, my fault for not explaining this.

    So in relation to your points

    1) What if I don't have friends who care about video, or even IM?

    -- Guess that's why I thought the Facebook / Twitter share options would work :/

    2) Why the hell would I try and get my friends to sign-up. When you haven't yet proved that you are trustworthy, and worthy of my email address? I'm willing to take the chance, personally. But I can't push something on my friends something I can't 100% vouch for.

    -- Fair enough, in light of what I explained above people would have already signed up at the point of seeing this page.

    3) The fact I have to jump through so many hoops is insulting and frustrating. In fact if I wasn't writing this critique you'd quickly be filtered out of my inbox. You say "Join Today To Get Full Access - Free!" But you didn't deliver. I feel like I'm being hamstrung to get my hands on your report!

    -- Yep in that configuration it's misleading and my bad. I shouldn't have put it in my sig as well, honest mistake

    4) Why are you making me work so hard for this? This makes no sense to me as a marketer, it is very beneficial to have me (or anybody) who's actually interested in what you have to say on your list. And then this? I can't believe it.

    -- Again I hope you feel a little differently now I've explained the context, but lesson learnt, I think I'll scrap it.
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    • Profile picture of the author ASCW
      That explains a lot.
      The idea is solid, and it is very do-able

      But the copy on the page makes the offer very hard to understand.
      (And should sell better)

      Take a look at how Gary Halbert did it with his newsletter.

      The Gary Halbert Letter

      (If you haven't read his newsletter, I suggest you do so. It is extremely valuable marketing material. And will also help strengthen your copy.)

      Also some notes on his page that you should take note of:
      1) He starts out with effective copy and sells them on the offer. He doesn't bring up the "spread the word" aspect of it until he asks for action.
      2) Notice the disclaimer under the forms.
      "Privacy: I understand that this information will not be shared with any 3rd parties and that my friends will only be emailed once. I am not signing up for any lists."
      That is especially important. People will hesitate if they think they are signing their friends up for lists. Especially in the era of marketing we're currently in.
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      Site being revamped.

      If you want help with copy stuff, pm me.

      Cool.

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  • Profile picture of the author RazvanRogoz
    I like it.

    I have only a few suggestions:
    -> How do you differentiate yourself from other people offering the same thing? (ex: Fiverr.com)?
    -> key techniques, tactics and tips -> be more specific. You'll learn 43 tactics for getting viewers to your website.
    -> When you've mentioned the "first 10.000" views, throw in some proof. If you state it, you must prove it.
    -> I don't really believe that you can deliver. Many people tried YouTube with little to no luck. So why are you different?

    I think that's all.

    Bring more proof and convince me that your methods actually work.

    Thanks,
    Razvan
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
      Originally Posted by RazvanRogoz View Post

      -> How do you differentiate yourself from other people offering the same thing? (ex: Fiverr.com)?
      Er, fiverr costs $5, this costs $0. How's that for differentiation?

      Originally Posted by RazvanRogoz View Post

      -> When you've mentioned the "first 10.000" views, throw in some proof. If you state it, you must prove it.
      Well, there are 3 massive screenshots of my statistics right on the page, failing that, folks can always go over to my YouTube channel and see the view count publicly (around ~26,000)

      Originally Posted by RazvanRogoz View Post

      I don't really believe that you can deliver. Many people tried YouTube with little to no luck. So why are you different?
      Er, I've actually done it and have the views to prove it?

      Originally Posted by RazvanRogoz View Post

      Bring more proof and convince me that your methods actually work.
      Not sure what more proof I can provide Razvan? YouTube publishing my total viewcount for all to see is pretty hard to photoshop right?
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      • Profile picture of the author RazvanRogoz
        Fair enough.

        1. Fiverr offers the views directly. You teach people how to get them.

        2. You are showing generic screenshots. They look fake. If there was some kind of ID on the photo, then it would be better.

        3. Folks can go there, but they won't. It's your job to bring this to the page.

        4. It's not hard to Photoshop. Just as it's not hard to photoshop ClickBank sales, PayPal, etc.

        What I'm saying is to make your proof more genuine. Use Camtasia instead of a screenshot. Or include the full screenshot.

        Razvan
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  • Profile picture of the author Azarna
    Firstly - this doesn't look 'scammy' at all, it has that quiet understated look that only comes with a quality product. The more hype, the lower quality product, or why do they need to over sell it?

    There are speechmarks over the words just under the picture of the eBook.

    "You Can Learn What Took Me Six Months Today ..." I think that Today needs to be at the front as it currenly sounds like it relates to the six months somehow, and therefore doesn't make sense. Either that or you need to add a hyphen in between to break it up. "You Can Learn What Took Me Six Months - TODAY"

    Perhaps I am being picky, but ...
    "The strategies in this report are 6 months of hard learning condensed into one report which you can copy to get YouTube traffic in far less time."

    This doesn't sound right to me. It reads that you should copy the actual report for some reason, instead of 'follow the tips in the report'. The word report is also repeated very quickly, which can sound a bit odd.

    "There are 6 months of hard learning condensed into this one report - meaning you can get YouTube trafffic in far less time." The fact the person needs to follow the report's advice seems pretty self-evident in the circumstances to me.

    Overall I like this page. It seems business like, calm & collected and reassuring.
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
    Thanks, thanks, thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your help, I honestly didn't expect people would give so much of their time.

    You guys are awesome
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  • Profile picture of the author Sparkles01
    Hi Chris, I just subscribed to compelling tv and began to download some of your reports, the demo and template on the Power Point doesn't function and I get an error when trying to 'like' on Facebook and tweet on Twitter.

    I think you have some valuable information to share and I have loads of friends on FB and quite a few on Twitter that could benefit from your site.

    Thanks, Bonnie
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    • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
      Originally Posted by Sparkles01 View Post

      I get an error when trying to 'like' on Facebook and tweet on Twitter.
      ***Executes a technical elf in rage***

      Originally Posted by Sparkles01 View Post

      I have loads of friends on FB and quite a few on Twitter that could benefit from your site.
      Thanks Bonnie, any recommendations appreciated - I've got tonnes of cool stuff coming up in the weeks ahead
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  • Profile picture of the author Sparkles01
    My apologies Chris, my bad....I thought I was logged in, but apparently I had to leave the site and come back in order for the downloads to function. No problem, entirely my fault.

    Really, really like your content. I'm about to put up my first video on my site for a book I wrote and published through Amazon. Writing the book was easy, promoting not so much....LOL.

    Thanks for a great site. Bonnie
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Webb
    OK, a replacement Technical Elf has been hired and the social media plugins are fixed (FB might give an error - think it's caching their side).
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    • Profile picture of the author Sparkles01
      Thank you Chris, can't wait to begin working with the Power Point demo....that is, right after dinner.

      Bonnie
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  • Profile picture of the author Dainis
    well, all you wanted was an opt-in, and i opted in, so that says something about the copy. one thing though i want is: more proof.

    your charts are neat, but for me, real proof is:

    here is this youtube video: date viewcount
    here is the same video a month later: date viewcount

    so, here's me being a goofball:

    and here's me giving some pretty solid business advice:

    now i have vids that are in the 20-30K view range, but those are just totally ignored, and this one should have a lot more views:


    so, basically, i'm "in" enough to post my vids and say "well, ok, skyrocket my view counts."

    but with real views. i mean, the number itself is silly if you just send a computer to watch the videos.

    more real proof. real case studies. real techniques. if they work, i'll put up a testimonial for you.

    best,
    dainis w michel
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  • Profile picture of the author Dainis
    as a quick additional comment:

    "It Took Me Six Long Months To Perfect This Technique...But You'll Do It In One Hour"

    is better than what i see live. what i see live in that headline does not make sense. You have

    "You Can Learn What Took Me Six Months Today ..."

    how can something take you six months today?
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  • Profile picture of the author AC683
    Here's a suggestion for making the last set of bullet points flow smoother:

    In this exclusive report you'll discover -

    The 3-Step process that funnels constant traffic from Youtube Videos to your website
    The Exact steps that I took to reach 10,000 views and beyond
    The amazingly obvious technique that multiplies your views automatically - you barely do anything!
    Signature
    It's real, and it's available only for a FEW daring Warriors.
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