Tan my backside raw - not - ouch that hurts!!!

Headline - too many extraneous words.
Never struggle with a weak grip again!

Otherwise, good headline.

No, too soon for the secrets thing, you haven't gotten me frustrated enough.

This is just not well written. Clean it up.

Whose research is it and whose strength are we increasing?

This is important. Don't just recite it like a list of groceries. Also, they can't have it until they buy from you.

...That means that once you've learned the secrets of elite grip training, you can rapidly improve your blah blah blah...

Gonna need to be more specific and emotive if you want me to follow you saying "get stronger" five times.

"If you're ready to step up to the plate and showcase your real strength level... read on for some eye opening revelations from a painfully weak-wristed, "do it by the books" body builder who finally put things together!"



How did that feel? Did you feel like you'd spent hours at the gym... lifting weights until your arms wanted to explode, resisting all kinds of delicious **** like pasta and ice cream... stuff you used to LOVE... only to feel like the same pudgy kid you were before you'd stepped in the gym for the first time?



Better say so, baby! You can spend more time on this if you want... people asking you hey didn't you used to work out, etc.



No Good. Who told you? Where were you? What was he wearing? Was it a body builder, an old guy, your wife reading an old fitness mag? This is important!
No dude. You were desperate, because being weak sucks. In fact, why were you skeptical? I don't think you need to knock down suspicions here. You're a body builder in this story, they like to commit to stuff, especially if it involves their bodies. They don't just lalalala, try **** on a dime like some dweeb dropping a hundred bucks on PPC.



I felt bad about my body. I was desperate to change things. Grip training made some sense. It was time to get it done.


Instead of knocking down suspicions, challenge your readers to step up.



That should lead the next paragraph.. something to that extent.


I didn't revamp my entire workout routine - I kept doing what I was doing, but I put a new focus into building my hands, my wrist, my grip. Within a few weeks I'd proved it to my biggest critic - myself. I was bigger, I was stronger, and I could measure it... beyond a shadow of a doubt!




No. You were becoming one of those guys that you watched and envied in the gym.



Nope, stop forcing the secrets stuff.
Research line is clunky. Eliminate.


Delete.


Clunk clunk clunk. This sucks. Lead the paragraph with "That's why cheating with antiquated stuff like straps is ruining your chance at raising your max and making you weak!"


Here, do this part of the homework on your own.




no.



Seriously, stop doing this. Will I really be able to bend bars and stuff? If not, don't say it.




This sucks. "Develop superior, lasting strength in a fraction of the time." Your audience doesn't need to be sold that something is fun.




Who calls it that? Look, just go with -



This is it - the secret link in the chain of (adjective) strength.




Write this better.



Is it?



Then why is the book so freaking LONG? And I don't need a bunch of bullets saying "there are a lot of workouts"


You've actually done a good job because around now I'm thinking "OK, how much money"... And now you're repeating yourself and wasting goodwill you got earlier. Now I'm reading it thinking "okay, I get it, your hands get stronger".


And this goes on for quite a few paragraphs.



Aaaaand we're done. Look, there's some really good material in here. You need to proofread it (Seriously) and let these sentences flow a little better and you'll have a nice piece of work.

Hmmm thanks for taking so much time.

Any more folks input is much welcome

You're welcome

Oh and to be clear the "plateau" part is fine, just put it after the "watched and envied" line or whatever you use.

Hi Gareth,

Just a few quick thoughts:

Your headline seems overly long and rather generic.

It's too unfocused, it waffles on without getting to the point. For example, you could (and should) delete everything after "Dear Friend" to your first subhead. And the rest needs a ruthless editing too.

Be more specific with your promises, you might consider targeting a particular sport or just focusing on one major benefit.

Those 3D figures you're using scare me.

Do you have any proof that you know what you're talking about?

You don't tell me any specifics about your product over than it's over 300 pages long (and I don't really care about that).

The three bonuses seem almost randomly selected.

It needs a good proofreading too.

Hope this helps.

yes i am planning to add more break down on the actual contents

thanks guys

Great feedback folks - appreciated

I wont be able to work on this page prob until the weekend now as I have a coding project to work on so if you notice the page hasn't changed thats why.

Next week it should be as good as its gunna get. I will be building a bunch more sales pages for this same product but drilling down into 50 sub niches (EG rock climbers, tennis players etc)- to get broad SEO.

But this page is to be the main page promoting the book to folks in general - who for the main are bodybuilders, weight trainers & power lifters that have a special interest in grip training.


So Whats included in "The Grip Training Handbook" ?

Over 200 pages of hand strength training information...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learn many important Training Principles for grip strength
Discover how to apply Intensity Training and volume training
Use Progressive Resistance to take your power to new levels
Negative Reps, Forced Reps and Periodization to peak your progress
Learn the 5 different Types Of Hand Strength
See the Anatomy of the Hand in clear illustrations

Many different items of grip training Equipment are explained...

Hand Grippers
Thumb Clamps (Spring Clamp)
Eagle Catcher
Gripinator
Ivanko super gripper
Wrist Roller
Sledge Hammer
Manila Rope
Telegraph Tapper
Elastic Bands
Thomas Inch Dumbell (Thick Bar Training)
Pinch Grips (Block / Blob)
Gyroscope Balls
Chinese Balls (Baodang Balls)
Sotsky Bison
Kettlebells
Thick Bar barbells & dumbells
Steel Shot Bags
Torsion spring

Everyday items...

Towels
Newspapers
Phone Books
Chairs
Bricks
Ropes
Chains
Buckets & Jars
Rubber Bands

Learn the Common Barbell & Dumbell Exercises for grip...

Pinch Grip
Hammer Curl
Wrist Curl
Preacher Wrist Curl
Reverse Barbell preacher Curl
Reverse Wrist Curl
Zottman Curl
Reverse Barbell Curl
Wrist Roller
Reverse Dumbbell Curls
Reverse Cable Curl
Dead lift



Additional Training methods and techniques are introduced...

Kaatsu occlusion training
Gripper training
Pinch grip training
Crush training
Finger training
Kettlebell training
Isometric training
Heavy bag throwing and holding
Nail and steel bending
Thick bar training
Calsithenic methods
Martial arts techniques
Secret Russian methods
Sledge Hammer training
Indian club swings



Tui Na Hand and Arm Massage is explained in pictures
Learn Arm & Hand Massage methods for recuperation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~


Over 250 illustrations mostly in full color...

Computer 3D graphics

Real life photos

Hand drawn illustrations

No offense at all Gareth, but comparably, the copy is weak and uncompelling.

The bar I'm setting is the steroid rage type copy you find in American muscle building magazines for supplements and such. You know the kind I'm talking about, yes?

The "I'd Crawl Over Broken Glass to Learn What Gareth Thomas Knows About Grip Training!" kind.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, PayPal me $100 USD and I'll ship you as many muscles magazines as I can find at the local Barnes and Noble.

- Rick Duris

Yes but if i use that kind of copy i will have a great conversion rate and an equally great refund rate.

My product isn't earth shattering. Hmmm Although I'd love to write that kind of copy for it.

The funny thing is a year ago i did just that for my kungfu book and I got trashed for having "nasty aggressive" sales copy.

I will add a bit more to this page and see how it converts.

I plan to build many variations of it as I stated which will be quite different. But for now - having stayed up all night I must move on to another project for a few days.

thanks for every bodies input.

"Are you overwhelmed by the increasing number of exercises, workouts, supplements, diets and fitness gizmos your told to try everyday?"

Uh, "your" should be "you're," and this is a closed end question to which a reader can answer, "No."

:-Don