Tan my backside raw - not - ouch that hurts!!!

by gareth
13 replies
OK when I did this last year I got my ass chewed off in a huge abusive thread...

May I please have some critiques of my xmas days sales copy for this year.

Its a new grip training ebook I'm launching soon...

Grip Training Handbook - Get Super Strong Hands

Not quite finished at time of this post.
#backside #hurts #ouch #raw #tan
  • Profile picture of the author Micah Medina
    Headline - too many extraneous words.
    Never struggle with a weak grip again!

    Otherwise, good headline.

    "Do you feel you're missing out on using the best technique for your sport, the real strength protocols or the best strength improvement methods because you don't know the secret?..."
    No, too soon for the secrets thing, you haven't gotten me frustrated enough.

    "... or embarrassed when you attempt athletic feats in public and find yourself inferior because you are not quite up to the desired level in terms of body power in some crucial area?"
    This is just not well written. Clean it up.

    "Did you know that according to research, grip training can dramatically improve strength in the majority of free weight exercises?"
    Whose research is it and whose strength are we increasing?

    "That means you can have a better bench press, deadlift or kettlebell lifts! "
    This is important. Don't just recite it like a list of groceries. Also, they can't have it until they buy from you.

    ...That means that once you've learned the secrets of elite grip training, you can rapidly improve your blah blah blah...

    Gain true "functional strength" of value for a life time...
    Boost your bench press, deadlift and a whole bunch of other exercises...
    Improve your performance in the vast majority of sporting activities...
    Experience a rapid 20% - 30% gain in your regular weight lifts...
    Gonna need to be more specific and emotive if you want me to follow you saying "get stronger" five times.

    "If so, then read on! Eye-opening revelations of a painfully weak wristed do it by the books bodybuilder."
    "If you're ready to step up to the plate and showcase your real strength level... read on for some eye opening revelations from a painfully weak-wristed, "do it by the books" body builder who finally put things together!"


    "I only got moderate results, and soon after doing it, I quickly realized I now had a fat belly too."

    How did that feel? Did you feel like you'd spent hours at the gym... lifting weights until your arms wanted to explode, resisting all kinds of delicious **** like pasta and ice cream... stuff you used to LOVE... only to feel like the same pudgy kid you were before you'd stepped in the gym for the first time?



    Better say so, baby! You can spend more time on this if you want... people asking you hey didn't you used to work out, etc.


    Then I heard about Grip Training. Supposedly you could learn how to increase strength quickly in all of the basic free weight exercises by as much as 30% - and do it quickly with a minimum of additional training

    No Good. Who told you? Where were you? What was he wearing? Was it a body builder, an old guy, your wife reading an old fitness mag? This is important!

    This seemed utterly ridiculous. I was so, so sceptical but I gave it a try.
    No dude. You were desperate, because being weak sucks. In fact, why were you skeptical? I don't think you need to knock down suspicions here. You're a body builder in this story, they like to commit to stuff, especially if it involves their bodies. They don't just lalalala, try **** on a dime like some dweeb dropping a hundred bucks on PPC.



    I felt bad about my body. I was desperate to change things. Grip training made some sense. It was time to get it done.


    Instead of knocking down suspicions, challenge your readers to step up.


    Even though I was only training my hands and grip in addition to my old training.

    That should lead the next paragraph.. something to that extent.


    I didn't revamp my entire workout routine - I kept doing what I was doing, but I put a new focus into building my hands, my wrist, my grip. Within a few weeks I'd proved it to my biggest critic - myself. I was bigger, I was stronger, and I could measure it... beyond a shadow of a doubt!



    I was becoming one of those guys who had blasted beyond the plateau.

    No. You were becoming one of those guys that you watched and envied in the gym.


    "and that I could access a hidden secret of great strength athletes in my own training."

    Nope, stop forcing the secrets stuff.
    Research has proven how grip training works
    Research line is clunky. Eliminate.


    "This is a direct result of the nervous stimulation from the intense muscular contractions of the hand."
    Delete.


    "Think about it - if you choose to use straps and similar contraptions to try and fool your body what is happening inside your brain when you lift ?
    Your brain will tell the hand muscles not to contract so hard, then the surrounding nerves will also recieve the same message "dont try as hard as you can"- this really is the way it works. If on the other hand you dont use straps and rely on grip strength, then at the same time you also contract your forearms, upper arms, shoulders and upper torso to the max you will achieve maximum nervous stimulation of the musculature.
    Its an over flow affect based upon physiology & this is why cheating with straps will ultimately weaken you while grip training will blast you ahead."
    Clunk clunk clunk. This sucks. Lead the paragraph with "That's why cheating with antiquated stuff like straps is ruining your chance at raising your max and making you weak!"


    Here, do this part of the homework on your own.



    "over all body"

    no.


    "the super secrets to exceptional strength!"

    Seriously, stop doing this. Will I really be able to bend bars and stuff? If not, don't say it.



    "develop superior strength in a fraction of the time it currently takes you to do so... with all of the everyday advantages of a strong pair of hands. And Grip Training is enormous fun too!"

    This sucks. "Develop superior, lasting strength in a fraction of the time." Your audience doesn't need to be sold that something is fun.



    No wonder it's called the "Secret link in the Chain of Strength"

    Who calls it that? Look, just go with -



    This is it - the secret link in the chain of (adjective) strength.



    - it doesn't just increase your hand strength, it boosts all your body power, sports, athletic training and everyday strength!

    Write this better.


    Think about it... it's an entirely new way of training

    Is it?


    Expert in 8 hours!

    Then why is the book so freaking LONG? And I don't need a bunch of bullets saying "there are a lot of workouts"


    Just look at the benefits...
    You've actually done a good job because around now I'm thinking "OK, how much money"... And now you're repeating yourself and wasting goodwill you got earlier. Now I'm reading it thinking "okay, I get it, your hands get stronger".


    And this goes on for quite a few paragraphs.



    Aaaaand we're done. Look, there's some really good material in here. You need to proofread it (Seriously) and let these sentences flow a little better and you'll have a nice piece of work.
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    Hmmm thanks for taking so much time.

    Any more folks input is much welcome
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    Gareth M Thomas
    Serial Entrepreneur
    Auckland, New Zealand

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  • Profile picture of the author Micah Medina
    You're welcome

    Oh and to be clear the "plateau" part is fine, just put it after the "watched and envied" line or whatever you use.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi Gareth,

    Just a few quick thoughts:

    Your headline seems overly long and rather generic.

    It's too unfocused, it waffles on without getting to the point. For example, you could (and should) delete everything after "Dear Friend" to your first subhead. And the rest needs a ruthless editing too.

    Be more specific with your promises, you might consider targeting a particular sport or just focusing on one major benefit.

    Those 3D figures you're using scare me.

    Do you have any proof that you know what you're talking about?

    You don't tell me any specifics about your product over than it's over 300 pages long (and I don't really care about that).

    The three bonuses seem almost randomly selected.

    It needs a good proofreading too.

    Hope this helps.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    yes i am planning to add more break down on the actual contents

    thanks guys
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    Gareth M Thomas
    Serial Entrepreneur
    Auckland, New Zealand

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    • Profile picture of the author Hugh Thyer
      Who is your target market?

      It seems from the page that your market is body builders. But your headline suggests it's for every day people. If it's for body builders you need to change your headline to focus on what's important to THEM. I'm sure they're not seeking the benefits you describe.

      Hugh
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      Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    Great feedback folks - appreciated

    I wont be able to work on this page prob until the weekend now as I have a coding project to work on so if you notice the page hasn't changed thats why.

    Next week it should be as good as its gunna get. I will be building a bunch more sales pages for this same product but drilling down into 50 sub niches (EG rock climbers, tennis players etc)- to get broad SEO.

    But this page is to be the main page promoting the book to folks in general - who for the main are bodybuilders, weight trainers & power lifters that have a special interest in grip training.


    So Whats included in "The Grip Training Handbook" ?

    Over 200 pages of hand strength training information...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Learn many important Training Principles for grip strength
    Discover how to apply Intensity Training and volume training
    Use Progressive Resistance to take your power to new levels
    Negative Reps, Forced Reps and Periodization to peak your progress
    Learn the 5 different Types Of Hand Strength
    See the Anatomy of the Hand in clear illustrations

    Many different items of grip training Equipment are explained...

    Hand Grippers
    Thumb Clamps (Spring Clamp)
    Eagle Catcher
    Gripinator
    Ivanko super gripper
    Wrist Roller
    Sledge Hammer
    Manila Rope
    Telegraph Tapper
    Elastic Bands
    Thomas Inch Dumbell (Thick Bar Training)
    Pinch Grips (Block / Blob)
    Gyroscope Balls
    Chinese Balls (Baodang Balls)
    Sotsky Bison
    Kettlebells
    Thick Bar barbells & dumbells
    Steel Shot Bags
    Torsion spring

    Everyday items...

    Towels
    Newspapers
    Phone Books
    Chairs
    Bricks
    Ropes
    Chains
    Buckets & Jars
    Rubber Bands

    Learn the Common Barbell & Dumbell Exercises for grip...

    Pinch Grip
    Hammer Curl
    Wrist Curl
    Preacher Wrist Curl
    Reverse Barbell preacher Curl
    Reverse Wrist Curl
    Zottman Curl
    Reverse Barbell Curl
    Wrist Roller
    Reverse Dumbbell Curls
    Reverse Cable Curl
    Dead lift



    Additional Training methods and techniques are introduced...

    Kaatsu occlusion training
    Gripper training
    Pinch grip training
    Crush training
    Finger training
    Kettlebell training
    Isometric training
    Heavy bag throwing and holding
    Nail and steel bending
    Thick bar training
    Calsithenic methods
    Martial arts techniques
    Secret Russian methods
    Sledge Hammer training
    Indian club swings



    Tui Na Hand and Arm Massage is explained in pictures
    Learn Arm & Hand Massage methods for recuperation

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~


    Over 250 illustrations mostly in full color...

    Computer 3D graphics

    Real life photos

    Hand drawn illustrations
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    Gareth M Thomas
    Serial Entrepreneur
    Auckland, New Zealand

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    No offense at all Gareth, but comparably, the copy is weak and uncompelling.

    The bar I'm setting is the steroid rage type copy you find in American muscle building magazines for supplements and such. You know the kind I'm talking about, yes?

    The "I'd Crawl Over Broken Glass to Learn What Gareth Thomas Knows About Grip Training!" kind.

    If you don't know what I'm talking about, PayPal me $100 USD and I'll ship you as many muscles magazines as I can find at the local Barnes and Noble.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    Yes but if i use that kind of copy i will have a great conversion rate and an equally great refund rate.

    My product isn't earth shattering. Hmmm Although I'd love to write that kind of copy for it.
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    Gareth M Thomas
    Serial Entrepreneur
    Auckland, New Zealand

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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by gareth View Post

      Yes but if i use that kind of copy i will have a great conversion rate and an equally great refund rate.

      My product isn't earth shattering. Hmmm Although I'd love to write that kind of copy for it.
      I'm going to respond four different ways:

      The Dan Kennedy Response: Who the heck cares what the return rate is? It's a digital product!

      Dan Kennedy Response #2: A low return rate means you're not selling hard enough.

      Response #3: I'm not asking for hypey. I'm asking for copy the market responds to.

      Here do this: Check out http://www.dragondoor.com. (Let's just say I know the copywriter.)

      Buy something. They'll start sending you catalogs. The website doesn't do the copy (or their products) justice.


      Response #4: No wonder your copy is weak. You don't believe in your product.

      Not earth shattering? If a client of mine ever said that to me about their product or service, I'd fire them on the spot and wouldn't blink an eye.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author gareth
    The funny thing is a year ago i did just that for my kungfu book and I got trashed for having "nasty aggressive" sales copy.

    I will add a bit more to this page and see how it converts.

    I plan to build many variations of it as I stated which will be quite different. But for now - having stayed up all night I must move on to another project for a few days.

    thanks for every bodies input.
    Signature

    Gareth M Thomas
    Serial Entrepreneur
    Auckland, New Zealand

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  • Profile picture of the author Don Schenk
    "Are you overwhelmed by the increasing number of exercises, workouts, supplements, diets and fitness gizmos your told to try everyday?"

    Uh, "your" should be "you're," and this is a closed end question to which a reader can answer, "No."

    :-Don
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    • Profile picture of the author Azarna
      The 3d people are terrible. At least use a decent skin and lighting on them. These look like they were done 10 years ago Sorry.

      Why did you remove the ©BrainConnection.com from the bottom of the right homunculus? I can see the remains of it. This seems jolly suspicious to me.
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