Can Anyone Suggest A Better Headline?

31 replies
Hey guys, I recently set up my site and have been having a bit of a bad reaction from the traffic, I know I need a bit or redesign, but do any of you guys over here in the copywriting section reckon you can outdo my headline? Probably not too tricky for you guys - but I spent ages and feel as though it is still only mediocre! Thanks for any help .
#headline #suggest
  • Profile picture of the author Rose Anderson
    I think we need the link.
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    • Profile picture of the author RyanLester
      Originally Posted by Rose Anderson View Post

      I think we need the link.
      Yes Please, we would need that link to analyse.
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  • Profile picture of the author Danielle Lynn
    Unless he means the title for this thread, to which I suggest:

    "Are you the master copywriter who can beat this headline?"


    "Hey, you there! Fix this thread title and win 1000 internets"

    @Freddie Please share the URL or at least post the headline so we can help.
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    • Profile picture of the author JakeDaly
      Originally Posted by Danielle Lynn View Post

      "Hey, you there! Fix this thread title and win 1000 internets"
      I like a woman with a good sense of humor. Perhaps I shall get in shape and we can marry?

      PS Freddie.. post the link to your site and we can help.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Dunno, thought I'd give it a try from what I have to work with...

    Attachment 12143
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve Hill
    Maybe the headline is "Do You Think You Need ESP?"
    Learn more - earn more: Books for Copywriters
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  • Profile picture of the author revstan
    ''Are you good enough to BEAT my headline!? Try RIGHT NOW!''


    "No man is taller than when he bends down to help another in need"

    - Simple Stan -

    Making the path to income in internet marketing less complicated and as easy as 1-2-3 !

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  • Profile picture of the author ProfJannes
    "So, you think you can write? Give this a try RIGHT NOW and you can have your head line featured right here."
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    • Profile picture of the author Darion
      I like your headline, OP. It makes you think. Very philosophical of you. :p

      My suggestion is "My headline is better than your headline, nyah nyah!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Rose Anderson
    How about: "They laughed when I sat down at the keyboard...but then I begin to type awesome headlines."

    Sorry. It's late in the afternoon
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    • Profile picture of the author Steve Hill
      Here's one quick suggestion, based on the central concept of the rare forgotten manuscript found in the out-of-the-way shop, as well as a play on the forbidden city of China:

      Secret Chinese Cooking Secrets Revealed
      'Forgotten book' shows how to cook delicious Chinese meals the easy way!

      You didn't ask for copy review, so I'll keep this part brief. In my opinion, the copy of the sales page itself does need some substantial editing, reorganization, and better formatting (making use of gutters, block quotes, bullet points, better fonts, etc.). Some testimonials would also be a good addition. The price point might need a little reconsideration, too, given that it is an e-book. Is it formatted so that it is easy to print out specific recipes to use in the kitchen? If so, you might want to mention that too.
      Learn more - earn more: Books for Copywriters
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  • Profile picture of the author primoquest
    Freddie, sorry to say pal, but the headline is NOT your problem.
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  • Profile picture of the author ProfJannes
    Freddie, your head line is pretty good, it caught my attention...they rest of the sales letter needs some work. Look at the following example sales letters: optimizepress and profitstheme, I know they are out of you niche, but you want to add similar stuff to you site.
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  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Sure can Freedie.


    Man Bait: Hook Him With These 7 Made-For-Lust Chinese Recipies


    Why this headline?

    First of all, like all money grabbing ads, it's about the reader.

    The reader is a woman
    She wants a man
    She knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach
    She reads Cosmopolitan

    We use a Cosmo style cover headline

    All this comes from knowing just 1 thing...



    This is also an example of the hidden benefit, as legendry copywriter and marketer
    Ted Nicholas calls it.

    It also demonstrates what you are really selling.
    Gary Bencivenga talks about this in one of his bullets.

    The old saying "dont't sell the drill, sell the hole"
    is also demonstrated here.
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  • Profile picture of the author primoquest
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    What the Hell is Wrong With You? You're Starting to Cook Like You're Chinese.

    Get Your Wok On With These Sinfully Creative Recipes.
    Dammit Ken, are you back to drinking again! ;0)
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    • Profile picture of the author Calamaroo
      "Who Else Wants to Cook Delicious Chinese Food Like One of Jeremy Lin's Great Grand Uncles?"
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      • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
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        • Profile picture of the author Cyberkntsean
          All this 'Wok Talk' is making me hungry...


          "Ancient Chinese Recipe Secrets To Satisfy
          Your Man's Inner Dragon"
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  • Profile picture of the author olavlind
    Rewritings of a few of the 100 best headlines in the history of marketing according to Dan Kennedy:

    "The Ancient Chinese Cooking Secret That Makes People Like You Want To Sell Their Grandma For A Bite"

    "Advice To Chinese Chefs Whose Customers Are Leaving Their Restaurants - By The Chefs Master Teacher"

    "The Chinese Recipes That Won The Hearts Of Everyone"

    "The Old Chinese Recipes That Made Chinese Chefs Envious"

    "How To Create Chinese Meals And Make Every Chinese Chef Unemployed"

    "How To Fire Your Chinese Chef"

    "Why Some Chinese Foods "Explode" In Your Stomach"

    "Ancient Chinese Recipes Rediscovered By English Bloke From Kent"

    "How To Put Every Chinese Restaurant In The Country Out Of Business"

    Let me know if you want more... :-)

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  • Profile picture of the author stookie44
    Keep Your Loved One Attached to your Apron Strings by Nourishing His Heart, Soul and Body With These Easy Authentic Chinese Recipes.

    Best, John
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  • Profile picture of the author primoquest
    "Anyone Can Throw Some Veggies In A Bowl And Call It Chinese Food,
    But Only A Handful Of Privileged Descendants of the Royal Dynasties
    Have Access To These Ancient Chinese Secret Recipes...Until NOW!"
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  • Profile picture of the author primoquest
    Duplicate post didn't show when I was originally leaving my comments...sorry.
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