What Am I Doing Wrong?

by SpikeS
25 replies
Hey,

A couple weeks ago I posted about how my sales letter was losing people at the order page. I ditched that and linked direct to a branded shopping cart and spent some more money driving traffic using Adwords.

After my "test", the sales letter isn't converting at all.

Just wondering if you can see anything glaringly wrong with it? This is the second re-write of the entire thing.

I know people want this kind of info so, I'm guessing, my "message" to the market is somehow wrong. Or maybe my CTA isn't brilliant...or...what do you think?

Thanks a million.

The page is here: The only fat loss, health and diet resource you'll ever need!

P.S. I'm well aware that really I should be investing a couple grand to get someone experienced to "critique" the thing. But in all honesty, if I had a couple grand laying around then I wouldn't be trying to write my own sales letter.

P.P.S. Maybe if someone with experience thinks they can get this to convert, then we can trade something. Like maybe my time for your expertise or something. I'm not entirely sure how that'd work, and I know that don't pay the bills, but if that sounds plausible then let me know.
#wrong
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Originally Posted by SpikeS View Post

    Just wondering if you can see anything glaringly wrong with it?
    Yep, for starters the design could be improved:

    Get rid of the text in the background.

    Get a pro to do your header (or just scrap it).

    Don't have your photo and headline next to each other like that.

    Get a bigger photo of yourself.

    Use a narrower layout.

    Make your subheads stand out more.

    Get some ecovers made.

    Do more with your CTA (just scanning the letter I completely missed it).

    Use a lighter blue for your testimonials (and give them headlines).

    Use a guarantee certificate.

    The pitch itself needs a complete re-think. It's not focused, I don't know what your big promise is, I don't know who your target market is, I don't know why you're different from everyone else, and you're not offering enough proof to convince me.
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    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    1. Specifically, where's your traffic coming from? What keywords are you targeting? Are you doing geo-targeting? And how much are you getting a day on average? Average CPC?


    2. Have you installed ClickTale? Where are people bailing?


    3. "I know people want this kind of info so, I'm guessing, my "message" to the market is somehow wrong. "

    I believe your design is amatuerish/unprofessional and your message weak, untargeted and ultimately, uncompelling.

    Your story as articulated is borderline irrelevant. It could be so much more riveting with the facts you've given. I don't think you spend enough time building it up.

    That's for starters. But let's get the questions above answered first, so other copywriters can help you.

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author primoquest
      I'm not a professional sales person
      I didn't assume you were a salesman, but now you've got my guard up and I'm thinking you are "the pink elephant" that I'm not supposed to be thinking about.

      At this point, I wouldn't be surprised that most of your visitors aren't clicking away right here -- at the very beginning of your presentation.

      No guarantees without using clicktale (as Rick just mentioned), but if you want to help increase your visitor stay for more than seven seconds, take this out as soon as possible.

      Let me start by telling you I'm a highly in-demand sports & public health nutritionist who works with amateur/professional athletes & some of the UK's youngest Olympic hopefuls.
      I noticed throughout this letter, you have tons of great qualifications... you really know your stuff, but...many people get turned off quickly when it all comes from beating your own drum.

      Let others do this for you. If there is any way you could get testimonials from someone else saying these things about you, it would be much more believable... to me, much of this copy sounds like self-endorsements and "me me" testimonials. You've got this all over the page... Just getting some sort of social proof will go a long way.

      That's why I decided to do something about this. I wanted to create a simple, yet effective method of eating and deliver it in a way that isn't expensive, doesn't require lots of cooking, doesn't require lots of over-priced supplements, one that actually promotes health and one that is easy to follow yet flexible and most importantly, one that gets results.
      I would turn these into benefits, then bullets, and put them near the top of the page.

      Take each one of these bullets/benefits, amplify them and maximize the benefits of each by giving a brief pitch for each. Make sure they explain what's in it for "them".

      I have a schedule to keep so I won't go much further, but here is where I think you fall short...

      You come out of the gate speaking about your qualifications, but you aren't pulling on my emotions.

      You need to be sticking in the knife and twisting. Find your market's pain and
      push it as far as you can. Once you've made the cut, throw salt in the wound.

      About building rapport - Very Important!

      Let me ask you this...
      When you court a woman, do you go straight to bed or do you warm her heart first? Do you tell her you love her or ask her to marry on the first date? Do you pinch her bum... then ask her out for dinner?

      Of course not! She would walk out on you within the first few minutes of meeting her. You would turn her off and even scare her away.

      And "THAT" is exactly what you are doing to your visitors.

      Move in softly and build rapport first. Make romantic love to your reader...
      Build your story up as though you are building to a climax... Find your hook... Until you do this, don't write another word.

      Sorry... ran out of time... Hope some of this helps.
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      • Profile picture of the author SpikeS
        Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

        Yep, for starters the design could be improved:

        Get rid of the text in the background.

        Get a pro to do your header (or just scrap it).

        Don't have your photo and headline next to each other like that.

        Get a bigger photo of yourself.

        Use a narrower layout.

        Make your subheads stand out more.

        Get some ecovers made.

        Do more with your CTA (just scanning the letter I completely missed it).

        Use a lighter blue for your testimonials (and give them headlines).

        Use a guarantee certificate.

        The pitch itself needs a complete re-think. It's not focused, I don't know what your big promise is, I don't know who your target market is, I don't know why you're different from everyone else, and you're not offering enough proof to convince me.
        Thank you. Interestingly I just finished reading John Carltons "kick ass" book and that did make me feel like I was missing a lot of stuff that you mentioned. Will action all that.

        Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

        Use references and quotes from scientific journals. No one understands them, but they do look important and trustworthy. You need to set a white paper tone or turn on the hype machine.

        Right now you're stuck in the middle.
        Thanks. Will give that a shot!

        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        1. Specifically, where's your traffic coming from? What keywords are you targeting? Are you doing geo-targeting? And how much are you getting a day on average? Average CPC?


        2. Have you installed ClickTale? Where are people bailing?


        3. "I know people want this kind of info so, I'm guessing, my "message" to the market is somehow wrong. "

        I believe your design is amatuerish/unprofessional and your message weak, untargeted and ultimately, uncompelling.

        Your story as articulated is borderline irrelevant. It could be so much more riveting with the facts you've given. I don't think you spend enough time building it up.

        That's for starters. But let's get the questions above answered first, so other copywriters can help you.

        - Rick Duris
        My average CPC is about £1.20 and I'm targeting mostly relevant keywords such as "fat loss" etc. and yes, geo-targeting to the UK.

        Never heard of clicktale, but will check that out.

        All duly noted, thank you.

        Originally Posted by primoquest View Post

        I didn't assume you were a salesman, but now you've got my guard up and I'm thinking you are "the pink elephant" that I'm not supposed to be thinking about.

        At this point, I wouldn't be surprised that most of your visitors aren't clicking away right here -- at the very beginning of your presentation.

        No guarantees without using clicktale (as Rick just mentioned), but if you want to help increase your visitor stay for more than seven seconds, take this out as soon as possible.

        I noticed throughout this letter, you have tons of great qualifications... you really know your stuff, but...many people get turned off quickly when it all comes from beating your own drum.

        Let others do this for you. If there is any way you could get testimonials from someone else saying these things about you, it would be much more believable... to me, much of this copy sounds like self-endorsements and "me me" testimonials. You've got this all over the page... Just getting some sort of social proof will go a long way.

        I would turn these into benefits, then bullets, and put them near the top of the page.

        Take each one of these bullets/benefits, amplify them and maximize the benefits of each by giving a brief pitch for each. Make sure they explain what's in it for "them".

        I have a schedule to keep so I won't go much further, but here is where I think you fall short...

        You come out of the gate speaking about your qualifications, but you aren't pulling on my emotions.

        You need to be sticking in the knife and twisting. Find your market's pain and
        push it as far as you can. Once you've made the cut, throw salt in the wound.

        About building rapport - Very Important!

        Let me ask you this...
        When you court a woman, do you go straight to bed or do you warm her heart first? Do you tell her you love her or ask her to marry on the first date? Do you pinch her bum... then ask her out for dinner?

        Of course not! She would walk out on you within the first few minutes of meeting her. You would turn her off and even scare her away.

        And "THAT" is exactly what you are doing to your visitors.

        Move in softly and build rapport first. Make romantic love to your reader...
        Build your story up as though you are building to a climax... Find your hook... Until you do this, don't write another word.

        Sorry... ran out of time... Hope some of this helps.
        Thank you sir. The average time on the page is 11mins but, I am going to change all the things you suggested.

        --

        Thanks so much for all the feedback. I've written them all down on 3x5 cards and will make the changes and re-test it. Seems mainly its about:

        -make it more compelling
        -better story; build rapport, make more riveting, build it up more
        -better hook/big promise
        -more unique
        -social proof
        -add some benefit ridden bullets up top
        -make more convincing/more proof
        -improve the design
        -headlines for testimonials
        -more obvious CTA

        That's a big list, but I'm on it. Thank you all once again for taking the time to post your suggestions. It is very much appreciated! Will post back results.
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    • Profile picture of the author nzrod
      Rick
      Do you prefer Clicktale to Crazy Egg?


      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      1. Specifically, where's your traffic coming from? What keywords are you targeting? Are you doing geo-targeting? And how much are you getting a day on average? Average CPC?


      2. Have you installed ClickTale? Where are people bailing?


      3. "I know people want this kind of info so, I'm guessing, my "message" to the market is somehow wrong. "

      I believe your design is amatuerish/unprofessional and your message weak, untargeted and ultimately, uncompelling.

      Your story as articulated is borderline irrelevant. It could be so much more riveting with the facts you've given. I don't think you spend enough time building it up.

      That's for starters. But let's get the questions above answered first, so other copywriters can help you.

      - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Yes, I feel I know my prospect better after watching ClickTale's movies. Although I haven't used CrazyEgg in a long time.

        - Rick Duris
        Signature
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Howdy Mike,

          First thing, the readers don't know if it's for them.

          Another words, you haven't targeted the keywords and
          the message to them.

          Here's an example of defining your keywords and market
          which ties in with your credentials.

          There's a big market for 6 pack abs.
          To create them,
          the body has to rid itself of fat around the chest and belly first.

          Your food regime does that,
          and without the sweat.

          It will be a great tie in for 6 pack info product sellers
          who have lists you can joint venture with.

          See what happens when you get who you are targeting right..?
          other parts of your marketing full into place?

          Best,
          Ewen

          P.S. You are going into your product pitch too soon,
          right in the first sub headline.
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          • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
            Now the non-copywriter answer.

            If I was you I would be contacting my local newspaper. The Olympics have now arrived and businesses including Newspapers will be doing many tie ins to this.

            And you have trained young Olympic hopefuls.

            Offer to do a weekly 'fitness column' My local Newspaper (Down in Reading, Berkshire) has a Vet column that started recently, a Job Hunter column, a Financial Advice column and all 3 are provided by local businesses.

            Gets them exposure every week for free and saves the newspaper a job of having to fill the paper.

            I have never seen a fitness column which could lead into the sport pages or the lifestyle pages.

            So I bet no one has offered this.

            To kick it off you would allow the paper to give 10 of your books away for free in a competition which papers run every week so just look at what they are doing there. Usually on page 2.

            I can post the front page to you if you wish to see what I am talking about.

            So this will get some names and numbers for future promotion plus weekly exposure which will lead to some sales.

            You will also earn money to hire a copywriter to do your page for you properly to target Online.

            If you want me to post the pages from the paper to you just confirm in a post that the Reg Address at bottom of your sales page is your address. I wont put it here but 92 xxxx Ave.

            Dan

            PS: I am not saying the paper will 100% go for it but I don't see why not. The Vet, IFA and Careers Coach all did it.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    A couple of ideas.

    First, Andrew's, Ken's and Primoquest's direction is spot on.

    ----

    Second, you may want to be even more targeted with your keywords and go long tail. Such as "how to lose weight fast" or "How to lose 10 pounds" (or stones, or however you say it in the UK.)

    ----

    Primoquest's advice about pulling in the prospect's emotions is particularly on point.

    However, I would NOT twist and turn the knife. Instead, I'd focus on the feelings enjoyed from receiving the benefits. The market is already sensitive to their pain. Rubbing it in would be insulting.

    To back up this line of reasoning, one only has to go to the grocery store and look at the headlines on the women's magazines.

    ----

    What was amazing to me is your metric of time spent on page. 9 minutes is A LOT. It's hard for me to fathom, based upon what we see.

    I'd definitely get ClickTale installed and see what the prospect's behavior is on page. It'll be really insightful.

    Good luck,

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author nzrod
    Its got too many words, the font size is too small, the grid is ugly, and it is not believable. There is a lot of evidence calorie restriction works - you are telling people to eat more?
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  • Profile picture of the author infinityplr
    Hi,

    To start with your sales letter is too long, it was tiring to look at, even read it. I just scanned it so i did not read your CTA. Which I think should stand out and be easy to see. Your CTA should be visible at first look.

    You need to get to the point on your fist two paragraphs so that the readers know what they are about to read and learn from you, and they would continue reading. Your not catching any attention from it.

    Then add tags so that your intended market can easily find you from search engines.

    I hope this will help you out.
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    GO. MOVE. Keep GOING! Even with the smallest steps and slower paces, the important thing is you are NOT STOPPING! You'll get there!
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  • Profile picture of the author AbrahamIM
    Start with these...
    1. Lose the header.
    2. Lose your picture to the left (use it below signature).
    3. Use narrow blocks of text. People don't like to read long lines of text.
    4. Start with what you can do for them. That's important. People don't care who you are. This is not meant to reflect on you but its true for everyone. People just don't care who I am. People are only interested in what I can do for them. So start with what you can do for them.
    5. I am in the weight loss niche but I deal with fat loss and six pack abs so while I'm not too familiar with the content I do think its a tad bit too long. People just don't have the time to read so much content unless you grab their attention and promise them something and then deliver on that promise in the sales letter i.e. share one trick that works for free and do it near the top of the letter (share a recipe in your case).
    6. CTA needs to be given with a hook or a strong headline. You can give 2-3 of them and the first one can be after the first paragraph.
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  • Profile picture of the author SpikeS
    Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

    A couple of ideas.

    First, Andrew's, Ken's and Primoquest's direction is spot on.

    ----

    Second, you may want to be even more targeted with your keywords and go long tail. Such as "how to lose weight fast" or "How to lose 10 pounds" (or stones, or however you say it in the UK.)

    ----

    Primoquest's advice about pulling in the prospect's emotions is particularly on point.

    However, I would NOT twist and turn the knife. Instead, I'd focus on the feelings enjoyed from receiving the benefits. The market is already sensitive to their pain. Rubbing it in would be insulting.

    To back up this line of reasoning, one only has to go to the grocery store and look at the headlines on the women's magazines.

    ----

    What was amazing to me is your metric of time spent on page. 9 minutes is A LOT. It's hard for me to fathom, based upon what we see.

    I'd definitely get ClickTale installed and see what the prospect's behavior is on page. It'll be really insightful.

    Good luck,

    - Rick Duris
    Cheers (again!)

    Originally Posted by nzrod View Post

    Its got too many words, the font size is too small, the grid is ugly, and it is not believable. There is a lot of evidence calorie restriction works - you are telling people to eat more?
    Everything I've read from GKIC, John Carlton etc all say there's no such thing as being too long, if it's interesting. Maybe that's what I'm lacking..

    On the calorie restriction side. If you've read the research you'll likely already know that metabolic slowdown is proportional to the amount of food eaten. So, you follow one of those ridiculous 500kcal per day diets for long enough and your natural production of T3/T4 shuts down and you stop losing weight. Then when you eat you re-gain it all. Calories are important, but the level to which governments and popular diet products (weight watchers, slimming world etc) promote calorie restriction is ridiculous.

    My clients sometimes find it hard to eat all the foods I give them, yet, they get better results than they ever have. And they do it eating foods popular programs tell them they shouldn't.

    Nutrition for both health and in particular fat loss is no longer about "a calorie is a calorie so just eat less" and much much more about the signalling effects of foods on the physiology of the body. For example (and being in the niche you'll know this), consumption of protein stimulates protein synthesis which is a very energetically expensive process. It stimulates building of lean tissue, re-generation of cells and enzymes as well as a host of other processes. Because any protein you eat that your body doesn't need gets turned into glucose via gluconeogenisis (yet another hugely expensive process in terms of energy), over consumption of protein is virtually impossible.

    If calorie restriction was so "proven", how come most studies also show that those who follow the dietary advice of dietitians, governments or companies like weight watchers, mostly end up gaining back all the weight?

    Unless you're talking about markers of ageing in general, in which case calorie restriction is valid because protein synthesis speeds up aging, then basic "calorie restriction" is an "old timers" method of reducing WEIGHT with no consideration given to maintenance of weight and reduction of FAT, which is ultimately the goal.

    Again you've likely read all the same research as I have so you'll already be aware of all that.

    Originally Posted by jimbo13 View Post

    Now the non-copywriter answer.

    If I was you I would be contacting my local newspaper. The Olympics have now arrived and businesses including Newspapers will be doing many tie ins to this.

    And you have trained young Olympic hopefuls.

    Offer to do a weekly 'fitness column' My local Newspaper (Down in Reading, Berkshire) has a Vet column that started recently, a Job Hunter column, a Financial Advice column and all 3 are provided by local businesses.

    Gets them exposure every week for free and saves the newspaper a job of having to fill the paper.

    I have never seen a fitness column which could lead into the sport pages or the lifestyle pages.

    So I bet no one has offered this.

    To kick it off you would allow the paper to give 10 of your books away for free in a competition which papers run every week so just look at what they are doing there. Usually on page 2.

    I can post the front page to you if you wish to see what I am talking about.

    So this will get some names and numbers for future promotion plus weekly exposure which will lead to some sales.

    You will also earn money to hire a copywriter to do your page for you properly to target Online.

    If you want me to post the pages from the paper to you just confirm in a post that the Reg Address at bottom of your sales page is your address. I wont put it here but 92 xxxx Ave.

    Dan

    PS: I am not saying the paper will 100% go for it but I don't see why not. The Vet, IFA and Careers Coach all did it.
    That Sir, is a brilliant idea. I wouldn't have thought of simply approaching them but seen as you've seen a few do it, it sounds plausible and worth a shot! I am after all in this to help as many people changes their lives as possible. I know that sounds cliche, but, if my product wont help someone I'd really rather they didn't buy it. Simply trying to leverage my knowledge as opposed to my time though is proving not that straight forward. Crazily enough, that is my real address (no horse heads, please!), so any info you have I'd appreciate receiving it.

    Thank you!
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    • Profile picture of the author jimbo13
      Okay I'll just cut out what I am talking about rather than send the whole paper. I'll post it tomorrow for you.

      I hope it helps. Like I said I don't see why not. They get a fitness column for free and you get some exposure for free.

      Also many papers have articles that appear in more than one paper. eg Reading Evening Post will also be in Bracknell paper and Wokingham. Maybe others because they are all owned by Berkshire Media Group.

      Dan
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  • I would use optimizepress for you sales letter. Their sales pages just seem to convert better. They have great buy now/order now style buttons and great order boxes.
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    • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
      You have a lot of work to do.

      Why on earth would you center all of your copy?

      As others have mentioned, you need to re-design your sales pages. It's a train wreck to put it mildly.

      Find some of Gary Halbert's famous weight loss ads, such as the Betty Adams weight loss ad. They are great ads to model.

      Plus, you need some serious work on your headline. Go to Vin Montello's site and sign up to get his great free report on headlines.

      Best,

      Thomas O'Malley
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  • Profile picture of the author Shazadi
    Mike,

    Would you mind sending a note to laurakryza[at]gmail.com? I'd like to offer a few suggestions, and maybe we could work out a mutually beneficial arrangement.
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  • Profile picture of the author rjweaver10
    Looks like you have some amazing tips here! I hope you get the turnover you want!
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  • Profile picture of the author CMorg
    I think it couold do with some more graphics and testimonials
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    • Profile picture of the author CMorg
      Originally Posted by CMorg View Post

      I think it couold do with some more graphics and testimonials
      and i cant spell lol!
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  • Profile picture of the author Saluki Guy
    Tell your web guy to add more padding inside the content area. You need about 50px. That way the words don't go all the way to the edge and it will be narrower.
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    There is a tide in the affairs of men which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted — all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures. - Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
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  • Profile picture of the author netvicar
    Ok. First off, I've not read other comments yet. Didn't want to skew my thoughts. So, much of this is probably going to be redundant. Maybe all of it. Or maybe none.

    First thing that grabbed my attention when the page loaded was the site name: Metabolic Kitchen. I immediately thought of clicking away. Honest. It screams "work!" Then I realized why I was on the page, and stayed.

    The cellpadding/cellspacing is bad. The text is way too close to the margins.

    Your opening, the words right after the 'Dear Friend,' is too long. I have no idea what the opening says but just looking at the page makes me not want to read it.

    The use of bullets in the headline banner is not appealing. I've not read a single word in those bullets. Too many words too small of text. On a dark background at that. Not good for us older folks.

    Way too many paragraphs before presenting your first subhead to break up the page.

    Your subheads are disconnected. For text skimmers, like me, reading the subheads do not tell a story. They do not make sense.

    The image of the food items following 'For Example, Do You Think You Could Eat These Foods On A Daily Basis?' are confusing. 'For example' what? You have not given me anything to relate this subhead or these pictures to that's even remotely intriguing enough to warrant searching the text to understand what this is an example of.

    Nothing tells at a glance if this is a printed guide for cooking metabolically balanced meals in your own kitchen, a mail order kit of prepackaged meals shipped to your door, training videos, or anything else obvious.

    Gosh. 15,870 characters and 2854 words and still I have no clue what you are selling. Or trying to sell.

    Why are your testimonials squeezed into single paragraphs? Impossible to read without eye and brain fatigue.

    Everything about this sales letter screams 'effort'.

    You want to make reading your message as easy as possible for your visitors. Otherwise they won't read the page. They'll click away.

    I hope this is not the Adwords landing page you are sending clickers to(?). You are better off doing two step with a free frontend offer than this long page that does a horrible job of grabbing interest and horrible job of explaining what you are selling.

    “Okay Mike – So What’s The Cost For This Incredible Toolkit?”

    Incredible? How can it be incredible when we don't even know WTH it _is_?!?! :p

    Maybe it is a good product. And maybe there are some good points buried in this page. IDK. Is too much text to read to try to find what you are selling. Way too much work.

    Get rid of that dinky header. Get a web designer. The models are too tiny. The layout is bad. There isn't a shred of attention grabbing value in this banner. The girl is a bad example to use, on multiple levels. Image clearly photoshopped around her waist. Screams 'fraud'. And the banner further confuses because impossible to tell is this cooking or weightlifting or some system based on eating whole natural fruits and berry? The banner is way too confusing. Is trying to convey too much in too little of a space. None of it interesting.

    If there's a shred of good copy in here, then print this to a continuous feed printer and take an xacto knife and cut the text into packets based on proper copywriting flow. Then reassemble the pieces into an order that makes sense from a copywriting standpoint. And by all means, make it clear what you are selling. Grab our attention. We have no idea at a glance what this is. The copy approach is bad.

    "Needless to say, that’s where [your] big problem lies…"

    I hope this helps and not hurts.

    Andre
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    You're getting a lot of really detailed direction. Each post is valuable.

    I particularly like jimbo13's newspaper idea. If you can get that column syndicated, even better.

    - Rick Duris
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