What's wrong with this heading?

Use "The" if you're including the title of your system, otherwise use "A" for the copy you have already.

With A Simple, Step-by-Step System

or

With The Patented "Easy-Money System."

Basically, you'll want to use "a" if you are dealing with common nouns and "the" when dealing with proper nouns.

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Brian Rollins
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www.TheVoicesInMyHead.com

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TheSalesTechnician

14 years ago

Originally Posted by TheVoicesInMyHead

Use "The" if you're including the title of your system, otherwise use "A" for the copy you have already.

With A Simple, Step-by-Step System

or

With The Patented "Easy-Money System."

Basically, you'll want to use "a" if you are dealing with common nouns and "the" when dealing with proper nouns.

Hmm Interesting point. But grammatically correct or not it still may be worth testing. Unless of course if your market is fairly educated or a bunch of teachers.

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philvandermeer 14 years ago

Hey, how about:

How To Generate $35,000 A Year With This Simple Step-by-Step System

The word "This" makes it less "funny" methinks. Or you could use the word "My" instead of "This"

Also, maybe the interjection of a quick power word, like:

How To Generate $35,000 A Year With This Insane-Simple Step-by-Step System!

Just my 2 cents

Phil
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GarrieWilson

14 years ago

I meant the one after "Simple"

It just looks funny to me.

Garrie

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TheSalesTechnician 14 years ago

Originally Posted by GarrieWilson

I meant the one after "Simple"

It just looks funny to me.

Garrie

I'd do it this way if you are determined to leave the a or the out.

How To Generate $35,000 A Year
With...Simple Step-by-Step System
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Lance K 14 years ago

Originally Posted by GarrieWilson

This doesn't look right to me... Suggestions?

How To Generate $35,000 A Year
With Simple, Step-by-Step System

Should there not be a comma?

Garrie

Originally Posted by GarrieWilson

I meant the one after "Simple"

It just looks funny to me.

Garrie

You're splitting up 2 adjectives. The comma is warranted.
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yanminis

14 years ago

There must a be "comma" after simple and a direct/indirect article (The/A) before it.

It may not seem as big a deal but people will respect you and you will look more professional if you know your punctuations.

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superpayouts

14 years ago

How To Generate $35,000 Per Year
With A Simple Step-by-Step System!

How To Generate $35,000 Per Year
With This Simple Step-by-Step System!

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travlinguy

14 years ago

Regardless of the rule, it reads well either way. I lean toward taking it out.

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WinstonTian

14 years ago

Stretch out the mental picture of the word "Generate".
Make the number odd.
"A year" doesn't pull out anything from my head.

"No go" with the comma.

Winston Tian

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Cheers,
Winston
The Beginner's Doctor

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jjbalagosa

14 years ago

I vote for adding this or my after "With..."

Also adding a power word or an action verb afterwards would help, like philavndermeer mentioned.

Examples:

"With This Ridiculously Simple Step-By-Step System."
"With My Idiot Proof Step-By-Step System."
"With This Deadly Robotic Ninja Jedi Mind Trick Step-By-Step System."

Ok, maybe not the last one...

But once you do that, dump the comma. Just sounds cleaner when I say it out loud to myself.

Regardless of rules, I usually opt for conversational tone over grammar when it comes to copywriting?

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Lance K 14 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Regardless of the rule, it reads well either way. I lean toward taking it out.

Originally Posted by jjbalagosa

Regardless of rules, I usually opt for conversational tone over grammar when it comes to copywriting?

True...however, is there not a natural pause when you say simple, step-by-step system? Say it aloud both ways...with & without a slight pause.

Regardless, if you're ads are targeted the prospect isn't likely to notice your grammar (unless it's unbelievably horrid).
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- TheSalesTechnician 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Lance K
  
  Regardless, if you're ads are targeted the prospect isn't likely to notice your grammar (unless it's unbelievably horrid).
  
  Agreed.
  
  Ive done split test on headlines that didn't have perfect grammar but beat my control which did.
  
  Funnny thing is, Id still get the ocasional email from the teacher wanting to correct my grammar, despite the increase in sales lol
  
  No thank you. I'm very happy with my grammatically incorrect copy
  
  Thanks
  
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philvandermeer

14 years ago

Originally Posted by jjbalagosa

I vote for adding this or my after "With..."

Also adding a power word or an action verb afterwards would help, like philavndermeer mentioned.

Examples:

"With This Ridiculously Simple Step-By-Step System."
"With My Idiot Proof Step-By-Step System."
"With This Deadly Robotic Ninja Jedi Mind Trick Step-By-Step System."

Ok, maybe not the last one...

But once you do that, dump the comma. Just sounds cleaner when I say it out loud to myself.

Regardless of rules, I usually opt for conversational tone over grammar when it comes to copywriting?

Also adding a power word or an action verb afterwards would help, like philavndermeer mentioned.

Thanks for the shout out, and we can talk headlines all day, but in the end my username is spelled only one way: philvandermeer!

I appreciate 'tcha!

:-)

Thanks

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JohnRussell

14 years ago

Simple 'Step-By-Step' System Generates $35,000 A Year (In 21 Days From A Standing Start)

I added the part in parentheses which would add to the title a great deal - if it's true.

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stookie44

14 years ago

Need A New Car or Extra Money to Pay off Your Bills - Generate $35,000 a Year
By Using This Elegantly Simple (3,5,7, however many) Step System

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GarrieWilson

14 years ago

Thanks for the answers and suggestions everyone. I plan on testing a few of them.

Garrie

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BrianMcLeod

14 years ago

Garrie,

What's wrong with the headline is...

..it's a SNOOZER.

No specifics, no emotion, nothing at all that would arrest attention and make someone want to know more.

A simple, step-by-step system that generates $35K/year may be what you're selling, but I promise you it's not what your prospect WANTS.

He wants to be lazy. He wants you to make it impossible for even him to **** up. He wants to buy something today and wake up making money tomorrow.

Obviously, that's delusional and no reasonable person really expects that outcome... but it's how that horny, angry, frightened little part of our brain quietly influences our thinking/desires. Ignore it at your peril.

You need to speak to that irrational, illogical mind-monkey with a big, honkin' promise/idea that makes someone sit up and take notice... cock their head to the side or shift uncomfortably in their chair.

John Carlton says it best - we're all shaved apes with one foot in the jungle and one foot in the modern world.

David Garfinkel has an equally simple way to think of it... a baby.

How would you sell something to an infant? This is how that conversation would go:

1) "Huh?"
2) "Ohhhh...."
3) "GIMME!"

You're at "Huh?"... the baby needs to notice your offer and become intrigued by it.

Then you can work on the "Ohhh" and "Gimme!"

We've veered away from the headline because we need to back up one level in order to get it right. The headline serves a specific function. ATTENTION.

How do you get their attention? By knowing who your prospect is, what they desperately want, and what they say about that - to themselves and to others.

Good luck with it.

Best,

Brian

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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting

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Joel Young

14 years ago

A comma is used to separate thoughts, or a thought within a thought, as I've just done. A step-by-step system that is simple is a simple step-by-step system; all one thought.

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