by HzCy
17 replies
Hey, I am just starting a very big business.

I have wrote a script for a presentation video, but need as much feedback as possible.

Just for a feedback of a script i will send you instantly 3$ in paypal.
Grammar, Spelling (because im not native), Smoothness and Style, your personal opinion

Here you can find the script. :

Just comment with your feedback and dont forget to add your PayPal E-Mail.
(If the feedback is better than usual, I am also willing to spend more then 3$ depending on it.)


PS: maximal please only about 50 feedbacks, I think that would be enough.
  • Profile picture of the author MontelloMarketing
    Sounds like "big business" to me!
    The Montello Group
    Your Premier Conversion Cooperative

    Join Us For Free Conversion Webinars
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    • Profile picture of the author Corey Geer
      Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing View Post

      Sounds like "big business" to me!
      It's better than the majority of people who want reviews in the "Wanted" section who want them for free.

      Plus, plenty of people come here for free critique, so even if it's $1, $2 or $3, it's better than what most of the people offer (which is nothing).

      Skype: Coreygeer319

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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Originally Posted by HzCy View Post

    I am just starting a very big business.

    Just for a feedback of a script i will send you instantly 3$ in paypal.
    Oh whoopee!

    Excuse me whilst I jump out of my seat kicking my heels up in the air.

    Oh my God I despair.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, I read your script. It's actually written fairly well. The problem is, it needs to be developed more. I have no idea what you're trying to do. I think you need to expand on what it means to get ranking or ranked as you mention in the piece.

    The biggest mistake I think I see when someone writes about their new venture is they assume everyone gets it right off. They don't. You have to explain it to them, every little detail. And when you go about doing that, be sure to let them know exactly what benefits they're going to get by ranking or whatever else they get from you.

    Hope that helps. If you don't mind, you can send the $3 to your favorite animal shelter. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    I read your script out of curiosity. Here's what jumped out at me...

    You say, "Maybe you want to get rich, famous or just noticed."

    Using "get" makes it sound like running to the garage for a wrench. In my opinion it would be smoother to say "Maybe you want to become rich, famous, or just get noticed."

    You say, "If you want to be in the top 1%" the top 1% of what?

    After that you keep talking about some mysterious ranking, but you don't say what kind of ranking. Search engine ranking, a ranking with an organization like e-trust or the BBB, you never spell it out, and then you ask...

    "Still don’t believe us?
    Don’t join us. But later, you won't have the chances as what you have now.
    Use them to bypass your competitors."

    OK, at that point I'd leave because if you can't explain yourself any better than you have I'm going to be thinking you don't have anything I need, and not having what you offer isn't going to hurt me a bit.

    And if that wasn't enough to send me away, the gall of this statement, "The day is fast approaching…if you’re not ranked, you don’t exist in the on-line world," would definitely make me think you're a potential scammer selling fairy dust.

    Put my $3 with travlinguy's $3 and donate it to an animal shelter. And please don't just say OK and then forget it, really do it. I want that $6 in their hands.

    Good luck.

    Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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  • Profile picture of the author DigitalCopyWriter
    Hmmm ... Let's take a shot at it.

    From what I've read, I don't really understand what you are selling. After reading it carefully, I've understood the fact that you sell SEO services but your prospect won't read this carefully.

    Now, whom to you are selling exactly? On one side you have beginners who actually think that SEO or a good ranking on Google is still easy to achieve. These are the same people who failed to understand that 100 posts written by Indians for $1/pop will not boost you to the first page anymore and that the fastest way to get a good ranking is good, quality, relevant content.

    On the other side you have pros who know that backlinks can actually damage your ranking, that Google got SMART, especially since the last Panda update and that the old way of ranking are more or less dead.

    This would have worked five years ago or so ... but now you are dealing with a sophisticated market. You are dealing with a market that can but 100 back-links for five bucks from Fiverr or use somethin like SeNuke or Xrumer for almost automatic SEO.

    Therefore, your case is flawed.

    Here is what I would write ...


    You've built your website and you've developed your product. You've put your blood, guts and brain into it and now you have an amazing offer to give to your prospects.

    You knew from second one that you can do it better than everyone else and that you'll take the Internet World by storm.

    So in the moment you've started to accept orders you were confident that your life was never going to be the same ...

    ... or not.

    Unfortunately, your prospects do not believe in what you have to sell as much as you do. JVs partners are not rushing to you as Americans do on Black Friday and affiliates would rather look the other way.

    You gave your best and you can't understand what's wrong ... ?

    Well, as Emerson once said ... "The world will not beat a path to your doorstep just because you invent a better mouse trap".

    However ... just as I like to say "The world may just beat a path to your website if it's on the first page of Google".

    And this is why I'm here. We are ... bla bla bla ...

    Contact me or give me your contact info.

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  • Profile picture of the author Corey Geer
    Basically, it's kind of like a Facebook like system from what I can tell. People can "rank" a website, service, product or person. That's the basic idea, and the sales pitch is essentially "if you're not ranked, you won't get any attention or exist in the online world."

    Kind of like an installation of fear for newbies or frustrated website owners, marketers, product owners, business owners, etc, that aren't getting the attention they want.

    Skype: Coreygeer319

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  • Profile picture of the author daddykool

    Ok, have read through your script and have also looked at it from a "first look" point of view...

    It is written well, but the actual content, or lack of it, in the words used leads to an empty, what is this all about script.

    If you are targeting your chosen niche, use words that are meaningful and have an element of "Oh this is a brilliant idea" in them.

    Your copy is boring, it makes no sense, even if it did say what it is!

    There you go, best $3 cold hard profit I have made in a while!

    Send the $ to THIS WARRIOR who needs help to survive
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    "It's actually written fairly well"..."It's written well"... Huh? Which part? In my book it's a complete dud. I read it out of curiosity but clicked off at this terrible line -
    Still don’t believe us? Don’t join us.
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  • Profile picture of the author Danielle Lynn
    The script reads more like vague notes one might jot down before constructing a piece.

    The ideas need to be fleshed out further, and you have to give prospects a much more concrete idea of what they're getting.

    I read it over a couple times, and even though you mention 'how it works' I still don't know 'what it is.'

    Don't leave these things to my imagination O_o
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  • It is difficult to critique a piece when I have no earthly idea what it is.

    So to help you get better critiques -

    Here's your script with a few quick comments in brackets to help everyone understand what your are selling.

    (You need a compelling headline - you can also use a pre - headline and a sub headline - get all this right and it seizes attention making people want to read on)

    (I'm assuming your video will be or also have written copy.Your copy should use subheads and bullets to make it easy and more enticing to read. Your copy also needs all the credibility factors - Who are you? And why should anyone listen to you?)

    You’ve developed your own online product, site, skill, or video

    (No need to mention “skill” - product, site or video does it - power of 3 works well)

    Maybe you want to get rich, famous or just noticed

    (Did your research say people want to be famous? How will they be famous? Nobody just want to get noticed. So concentrate much more on the money, sales and profits)

    Today’s internet is more competitive than ever, meaning 99% of online businesses are unsuccessful

    (Is 99% a made up stat? – be accurate. And make the pain of failure real – the wasted time, effort and expense etc.)

    If you want to be in the top 1%, selling successfully and becoming famous

    (Again, it’s likely people want sales, money and profits or are you still trying to sell "fame" as well? Can you get them in the top 1%? if so - say it. Don't suggest or mention it if you can't do it)

    Then you will need to have every possible advantage, and these may take years to achieve

    (What are the advantages they need? And why will it take years to achieve? This will help you prove how and why your system is better)

    But what if you could get there instantly?

    (Really? Instantly? If what your offering is not instant. And most things aren’t – be truthful - how long will it take? But yes, it needs to be fast and easy)

    In 30 seconds you will know how.

    (What is going to happen in 30 seconds? because I fast forwarded and I don't know how)

    Introducing xxxxx, a ranking for anything on the internet!

    (So, it would help to "introduce" it - What is it? What is the USP? And the 3 - 5 major benefits?)

    So, how does it work?

    The xxxxx ranking provides a quick and easy way for you to develop trust, value and social proof, which quickly turns into more business for you!

    (This is not explaining how it works. It's what it achieves. So, how does it work? And again WHAT is it? Give some detail. Even if it's a few "blind" bullets. Give some tangible benefits. Use even the most simplest formulas - start with the feature then the advantage then the benefit. And who says it achieves all this? A few testimonials would be good)

    Just rank by getting liked and show your rank to your customers by implementing it

    (We don’t have any idea what “your” ranking means – so as above explain it)

    By now, every 4th user will be looking for your rank to decide whether to stay, buy something from you, or simply leave you if your ranking doesn’t exist – and this ratio is growing every day

    (So won’t people be happy getting 3 users? And to hell with every 4th one? And why is it every 4th one?)

    Still don’t believe us?

    (At this stage the problem isn’t believing. Although without any explanations few will. The problem is understanding what it is you are trying to offer)

    Don’t join us. But later, you won't have the chances as what you have now

    (Why not? Use the “scarcity” tactic in more depth - what is the time limit to join? How limited will the number of users be?)

    Use them to bypass your competitors

    (How will they be bypassed? Emphasise it again)

    The day is fast approaching…if you’re not ranked, you don’t exist in the on-line world

    (When is the day? And with or without you every online business will still exist – use a better nudge to get people to take action)

    So, join us now and secure the advantage
    xxxxx – Rank it, Raise it

    (How do they join you? What is the big advantage? - remind them. And tell them what they do next. What is the guarantee? The time limit / or number of people to join by - again remind them. The cost? - to be fair you may not want to mention this on the forum. The extra stuff? The PS?)

    Hope this helps,

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  • Profile picture of the author Corey Geer
    Well, that was super cool. This is why I don't usually come into these critique threads but here's how the events went down:

    I sent two long-detailed messages about my opinions and he sent me $10.

    He then wanted me to help him further and it turned into an opportunity to a joint venture. I promptly declined and told him that I wasn't doing anything for a revshare opportunity and I'd rather just be paid for work. He then said it would be better off if he paid the $30 for the 1,000 words already done.

    Well, that was before we spent 2-3 hours on the script, perfecting it and making it perfect to both him and myself.

    Here's what I got:

    A thank you and then he said he wasn't going to pay me but instead he would help me out with SEO sometime. That was super cool..

    I only charged $75.. a measly $75 for the hours we spent and the ton of revisions/edits I did.

    He then said: "I don't have $75 for this".

    So you had $150 to pay out Warriors but not $75 to pay me after saving you all that money? You didn't hire or pay anyone else for a critique, I saved you all that money and it wasn't worth $75.. cool.

    Good luck with your product OP, I hope you do well...

    All the best,


    Skype: Coreygeer319

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    • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
      Originally Posted by Corey Geer View Post

      I only charged $75.. a measly $75 for the hours we spent and the ton of revisions/edits I did.

      He then said: "I don't have $75 for this".
      Sorry you wasted your time and energy. I guess that means some animal shelter isn't likely to get the $6 travlinguy and I asked him to donate to instead of paying us.

      I'll stuff the cash in one of the collection cans at the next restaurant that has one when I eat out. My wife and I do that regularly anyway.

      I'm not surprised by this. It's why I encouraged him to "really do it" at the end of my post.

      Just when you think you've got it all figured out, someone changes the rules.

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    • Originally Posted by Corey Geer View Post

      He then said: "I don't have $75 for this".
      Ouchie. Once it gets involved enough you feel they should be able to fork over some cash (even $75), you should get it up front. Or just do it to help out. You can always get a testimonial you can use in your marketing.

      In other words, get cash upfront.
      Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
      - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author Corey Geer
    Even more than the measly pay that sticks out to me was the reasoning he gave me for not having $75. I questioned him on the $75 since he supposedly had $150 to pay out to Warriors.

    He basically said:
    I didn't expect that many people to do it anyways.

    Lol... lesson learned, moving on.

    Skype: Coreygeer319

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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Friggin' greedy copywriters.
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