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What do you think?(critique please)

by bigredrassler
5 replies
I'm selling income generating web assets. I'm doing the marketing by e-mail and have had decent follow-up with this letter, but I know it could be better. Could you guys help a struggling marketer out here.

*Begin Copy*

WHAT IF YOU COULD EFFORTLESSLY ADD $500, $5000, OR EVEN $50,000 A MONTH TO YOUR INCOME?
The Life of Your Dreams Could Be Just a Click of the "Reply" Button Away!
<< Test First Name >>
You won't believe this sh...tuff. It sounds too good to be true. You can go to the store, and buy an income. No work involved. No worrying about tenants, late checks, maintanence, stock market fluctuations, or annuities. And the check you get every month will never be less than the amount you purchased but it very well could be more.

What I'm talking about is a contractually guaranteed income that is paying 20%+ annual returns. That could mean:
Bills Paid!
Extra "Fun Money"!
Cash for Other Investments and Pet Projects!
Money for that New Car or Boat
Even an Improvement in Your Sex Life(Men and Cougars Only)
The only limits are the ones you place.

Who am I? I'm the American Classic, J. Harley Hughes, an independent sales representative for Today's Growth Consultant/Income Store. Basically, the Avon Lady for the new millenium, complete with gorgeous hair and big boobs (too bad I'm a guy). TGC is now more than a decade old and proud to present Income Store to you for the first time. It's so simple. All you do is decide on an income, purchase it, then cash the FRIGGIN' CHECKS! No further effort required.

I would like to invite you to a Lunch and Learn, held every Tuesday at Noon to get you some more information, no obligation to buy. But (virtual) seating is limited to 5 people per rep, so reply now to sign up for the next one. If you would like more information, but aren't ready for a full presentation, let me know. I promise to answer any question by close of business the next day(except on weekends).

Finally, to let you know as a courtesy my e-mail service allows you to opt out of all future e-mails from me by simply clicking the unsubscribe link. If this is not the right fit for you, please accept my gratitude for your time and have a great day.

Yours,
J. Harley Hughes

*End Copy*
#copy #critique #sales letter #thinkcritique
  • Profile picture of the author Daedalus15
    I like this letter. Its tough to give advice not knowing exactly what your product is and who your target market is but two things I would change are:

    1. Test a slightly different headline. "If You Give Me Just 10 Minutes Of Your Time, Then I Can Show You How You Can Effortlessly Add $500, $5000, Or Even $50000 A Month To Your Income"-- if the lunch is 30 minutes then say 30 minutes, or if an hour say an hour. It might not pull better than your current headline but I think it is something worth testing

    2. When you promise them more information be more specific about how they can get that information. Provide your email, website, phone number, whatever it is you are promising right after you make the promise.

    I hope this helps.

    --Frank
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    • Profile picture of the author bigredrassler
      Originally Posted by Daedalus15 View Post

      I like this letter. Its tough to give advice not knowing exactly what your product is and who your target market is but two things I would change are:

      1. Test a slightly different headline. "If You Give Me Just 10 Minutes Of Your Time, Then I Can Show You How You Can Effortlessly Add $500, $5000, Or Even $50000 A Month To Your Income"-- if the lunch is 30 minutes then say 30 minutes, or if an hour say an hour. It might not pull better than your current headline but I think it is something worth testing

      2. When you promise them more information be more specific about how they can get that information. Provide your email, website, phone number, whatever it is you are promising right after you make the promise.

      I hope this helps.

      --Frank
      I like the idea of selling them on the lunch and learn in the heading, never thought of that. The product is mentioned in the e-mail itself, it really is simple, decide on an income to receive every month, purchase it, receive it. Nothing more complicated than that on the customer's end. I'm trying to market to a more affluent crowd as it is a higher end investment-type product. If there's anything else you need to know to help you help me, let me know.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daedalus15
    Your product sounds interesting. Your letter does a good job at arousing curiosity by telling all of the things that it is not.

    Since you are marketing to a more affluent crowd, one technique you can try is to make them feel part of a special group. That they have been "carefully selected" or "qualified" for this kind of investment opportunity. And you might want to make a subtle change from saying that the lunch is "every Tuesday" to "this Tuesday" and maybe even put in a specific date to help add a sense of urgency.
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  • Profile picture of the author Edk
    1. For some reason, I can't resist tempting you with a headline such as: "Who Said There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch?" That would I trust generate enough intrigue to get folks reading on. Having said that I'm not at all sure you're tempting them with a free lunh. However...
    2. I feel the second line flows better if it says something like: "The Life of Your Dreams Could Be Just a Mouse-Click Away!"
    3. The word maintenance is mis-spelled. You don't want customers either pointing that out or binning the letter because of it.
    4. The sentence following I'd end at the word purchased, with a new sentence thus: But it very well could be more.
    5. I just don't like giving folks too long sentences to read. If you put somethng like 'sentence length/ideal sentence length' into your favorite search engine, you'll see what I'm talking about.
    6. I liked the humor in the letter. Good luck with it.
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  • Profile picture of the author bigredrassler
    I knew there was a reason I came back to this forum. So helpful guys, thank you.
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