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Rip me a new one please

by Stallion
2 replies
Well, I'm working on the sales page of my first product. I'm really inexperienced with this whole copywriting thing, but I'm trying to learn.

What I know is that you should have a good headline that really grabs attention. That you should have a good story. Create urgency, which I'm not sure if I accomplished that.

I just need someone to tell me if I'm even going in the wrong direction. And if they're in a good mood, rip right into it and let me know what they think.

I have two different versions, but I guess they're practically the same.

temp2

temp1

They're sorta the same, but I think temp2 is probably the best of the two.

It is greatly appreciated if anyone could take a look at them.
#rip
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    The problem here is you've got no believability that 1) It worked for you 2) It'll work for anyone else

    It's all claims and no proof. At very least you need a before and after picture of you.

    Then you need to get people to try the product and get their testimonials.

    You have got to explain what your method is, and why it's different.

    This "my story" stuff is the most overused, misunderstood, and frankly lame method out there. The market is saturated. You have no method or "reason why" you're different from the average of four previous diets the reader has failed with.

    Here's how it's done...

    Science has never disputed facial muscles' ability to build. It has the same muscle fiber and connective tissue as the rest of the body. So, what's the problem? Resistance training for the body has been well established for years, but for some reason we just can't get past the neck. Is the public still holding out for that miracle in a jar? You know, like thigh cream.

    I began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's. At that time, facial isometrics was the only known form of facial training with much of the public considering it risky at best. By 1978, I became interested in weightlifting. Not long after entering the gym, I decided to step into competitive bodybuilding. This move called for a marked reduction in body fat that consequently had an aging effect on my face. This was not an acceptable trade-off. However, if I were to continue training to compete, increasing my weight would not be an option.

    Considering the fact resistance training allows the body a lower percentage of fat without looking too thin, I wondered what effect, if any, resistance training would have on my face. I must admit, I was a little nervous at the thought of trying resistance training on my face but I certainly wasn't happy with the way my face was beginning to look. With no plans to give up the sport I decided it was worth a shot. So, I converted each facial isometric exercise over to resistance… BINGO! I found the facial muscles' to be every bit as responsive to resistance training as any other body part. The result of this training was even better than I had hoped. The increase in muscle size created an even greater lift. My face was still thin, but with the extra firmness, I no longer looked gaunt.

    It became quite obvious to me that isometrics (toning exercises) only scratched the surface. We just weren't taking it far enough. Most people will find after a certain age that tone is not enough, especially when making up for the loss of fat in the subcutaneous layer. For this reason alone you need an increase in muscle size.

    Today, many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face. A study conducted by Eureka Physical Therapy in Eureka, CA and myself, resulted in an average of 35% increase in facial muscle strength over a two week period. At the Skin Study Center in Broomall, PA a similar study (Facial Flex) showed a 250% increase in strength over an eight week period with a 32% increase in skin elasticity.

    Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face? Ask yourself this; when you increase the strength of your biceps, what other changes take place? Remember, resistance training demands a muscle's full potential, an increase in size. Facial muscles' are no exception. To think otherwise is just plain lazy thinking. Facialbuilding, bodybuilding, the result is exactly the same.

    --FlexEffect site
    You're too concerned with "giving it away" to provide the slightest bit of persuasive information. All the example given above does is give it away -- it's loaded with exactly how and why.

    Yet you still have to buy the product to get the benefit.

    Unfortunately it doesn't close the deal, but this is a fair opener that gets to the point. Everything is related back to wrinkle reduction. It's not rambling all over the place. Let's examine this more closely...

    ....Science has never disputed
    .... began teaching facial fitness in the late 1970's.
    ....Considering the fact
    ....many studies are documenting the effect of resistance training on the face.

    Belief structure built in the first sentence of every paragraph -- textbook Eugene Schwartz. Then we get "Some might ask, what does facial muscle strength have to do with lifting and firming the face?" Which brings up a likely objection -- then answers the objection in the same paragraph. At no point is there doubt about the writer's belief in the product. The writer is raising and resolving your doubt as the reader.

    All yours does is make baseless claims and ask for blind trust ...it ain't gonna happen. I get a lot of lack of belief in your product from not giving me any information -- the only clear message is you've got lots to hide.

    The diet market is filled with a lot of savvy people hiring top gun copywriting talent. You've picked a tough market to get into and you'll have to improve by several orders of magnitude to do so-so.

    Right now I don't get the idea you believe in the product yourself. Why should anyone else?
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    • Profile picture of the author Stallion
      Thanks for the reply John. It's greatly appreciated.

      It's my first time at this, so I'm going to work to improve this.
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