Is the copy that bad?

13 years ago

The sales piece contains no credibility.

In fact, you don't even identify yourself!

Rework the ad to include who you are and why the reader should believe you can help him.

And please... get rid of the word "we". It's like fingernails running down a chalkboard. Really.

Alex

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ewenmack

13 years ago

Here's a little guide to help you get and stay on track.

1 First start with a lead in for the headline.
The purpose of this is to call out the ideal reader in a crowd,
so he knows the message is for him.

In this case we can say it's for a renter who wants
to own his own home faster than what it's taking him now.

Fair assumption?

So we can say...

For the renter who wants home ownership faster...

Remember, this is just the lead into the main headline.

2 The headline works on 2 motivators...what we don't want
and what we do want.

Capture the gut emotion of how one feels about what they don't want
in language that's likely to come out of this persons mouth.

In your case...

Kicks Greedy Landlord To The Curb Legally
While You Grab Home Ownership

Note Kicks implies it has taken place.

Compare that to "learn" or even "kick'
which sounds like work has to be done.

We want to appeal to the lazy and greedy part of the brain.

So here's how it would look...

-------------------------------------------------
For the renter who wants home ownership faster...

Kicks Greedy Landlord To The Curb Legally
So You Grab Home Ownership Faster...
-------------------------------------------------

Another part of the headline is about what the reader gets.

While you think about what the reader gets in a boiled down
part sentence, you keep the subject about the reader,
not your product or service. They like that.

The second part of the headline is all about the benefit
of what the reader gets. Starting with "so".

Coming in with "so" is if you are catching the readers reaction
to the first part which could be...

"So what?"
"Why is that important?"
"Should I care?"

It beats the sceptic to the punch.

See the reason why this formula works?

Best,
Ewen

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Jax81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Here's a little guide to help you get and stay on track.

1 First start with a lead in for the headline.
The purpose of this is to call out the ideal reader in a crowd,
so he knows the message is for him.

In this case we can say it's for a renter who wants
to own his own home faster than what it's taking him now.

Fair assumption?

So we can say...

For the renter who wants home ownership faster...

Remember, this is just the lead into the main headline.

2 The headline works on 2 motivators...what we don't want
and what we do want.

Capture the gut emotion of how one feels about what they don't want
in language that's likely to come out of this persons mouth.

In your case...

Kicks Greedy Landlord To The Curb Legally
While You Grab Home Ownership

Note Kicks implies it has taken place.

Compare that to "learn" or even "kick'
which sounds like work has to be done.

We want to appeal to the lazy and greedy part of the brain.

So here's how it would look...

-------------------------------------------------
For the renter who wants home ownership faster...

Kicks Greedy Landlord To The Curb Legally
So You Grab Home Ownership Faster...
-------------------------------------------------

Another part of the headline is about what the reader gets.

While you think about what the reader gets in a boiled down
part sentence, you keep the subject about the reader,
not your product or service. They like that.

The second part of the headline is all about the benefit
of what the reader gets. Starting with "so".

Coming in with "so" is if you are catching the readers reaction
to the first part which could be...

"So what?"
"Why is that important?"
"Should I care?"

It beats the sceptic to the punch.

See the reason why this formula works?

Best,
Ewen

Ewen, thanks so much for breaking down the headline and the lead into it. Really helpful to understand the logic behind it all. "Gut emotion" and "language use" suggestions are excellent.

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lowriderzzz

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Jax81

My sales page has been up for a few weeks and the conversations are slow

I suspect copy is the culprit. Would love to hear objective opinions on what needs to be improved to sell more books on this sales page.

First check on Google analitycs (hope you have it installed) if the people are just bouncing too quickly from the page or if they spend time reading it and then exit.

If they bounce too much (>60% bounce rate), then its either irrelevant traffic that you supply to the page either the benefit in the Headlines is not too promising. I could also suggest move the offer at the bottom along with the cover of the book and make it as clear as possible in a split of a second when someone enters to know what the page is about instantly.

Other case if they spend time and exit too much. Then check you copy, check the order of the parts of the copy Headline>subhead>brief benefits bullet points>story>more bullet points>who is this book for and is not for>guarantee>offer>final wrap up...

I'm not quite sure if this was the order of a good one copy I'll check later in my notes.

Use power words , try to come up with few different headlines and do them in a A/B split test to see which one performs best.

Hope it helps. If you have questions - ask me.

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Calum Jones

13 years ago

Written well but nobody is going to buy when you don't establish yourself. Why should people listen to your advice on this subject if you have no personal experience and aren't an expert in the field? I think that's what's stopping your sales from taking off. Also you could do with testimonials.

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Jax81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Calum Jones

Written well but nobody is going to buy when you don't establish yourself. Why should people listen to your advice on this subject if you have no personal experience and aren't an expert in the field? I think that's what's stopping your sales from taking off. Also you could do with testimonials.

Calum, you're right. Thank you for the nudge. I'm generally a humble person, but in this case I have to put a spotlight on my expertise. Testimonials are in the making. One thing that I could use some advice on is whether the testimonials should be about the ebook (product) or the rent to own (this method of getting into homeowership is not that well known). What type of testimonial would compel people to buy the ebook? Any recommendations would be most welcome.

Thanks

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RickDuris

13 years ago

"Is the copy that bad?"

In a word, yes. It's bland, weak and misses the mark. It needs a rewrite. And the design needs a makeover as well.

1. Based upon what the market wants, have you really nailed the benefits? Have you brought the best of home ownership to those struggling to attain?

2. Are people really looking for this product? Is this something they're willing to pay for? (I sense they might if it was positioned properly.)

3. Upfront, you make rent-to-own sound dreadfully risky/undesirable. Was that your intent?

I realize this all sounds negative. But it can be turned around. First though, you have to figure out whether the market really wants this.

- Rick Duris

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Jax81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

"Is the copy that bad?"

In a word, yes. It's bland, weak and misses the mark. It needs a rewrite. And the design needs a makeover as well.

1. Based upon what the market wants, have you really nailed the benefits? Have you brought the best of home ownership to those struggling to attain?

2. Are people really looking for this product? Is this something they're willing to pay for? (I sense they might if it was positioned properly.)

3. Upfront, you make rent-to-own sound dreadfully risky/undesirable. Was that your intent?

I realize this all sounds negative. But it can be turned around. First though, you have to figure out whether the market really wants this.

- Rick Duris

Appreciate your honest feedback and for taking the time to pose some smart questions. Before I conceived the product I did extensive research.
Generally, rent to own has a bad reputation because tenant/buyers often do not succeed and in the process lose their shirt (and house). That's not to say the method doesn't work. In fact, I have spent the last 4 years validating the method. I've helped over 40 families use the method successfully so I know why people can fail and what it takes to make it work. The reason rent to own has a bad rap is because folks don't have access to information on what it takes to succeed. So to answer your questions, yes, there is a segment of the general population that needs this product. Actually, this product is aimed at two audiences;

1) Folks who have heard of rent to own as a means of getting into homeownership... but don't trust it
2) Folks who want stop renting, but don't know the rent to own option exists

I didn't take your comments as being negative, by the way. Thanks again.

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

13 years ago

On the prehead, headline and subhead...

I would concentrate on the core emotion.

(not "bad" landlords," not you "deserve" to own a house and not the dozens of ways you can)

Instead...

The frustration that renting never lets you own the property.

Essentially you are just paying someone else's mortgage.

You could work out the "average" rent X 20 years and mention the amount.

The shock element is powerful and it becomes almost self evident that people can buy their own property.

Steve

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Jax81 13 years ago

Great advice Steve! I love the idea of bringing in the calculation. Just have to consider how to position this shocker because I'm not trying to convince people that "buying is better than renting". Rather I am trying to inform people that if they want to own, but can't get a mortgage today, they can still get into homeownership using the rent to own method. With that goal in mind, would the calculation still be compelling?
- Thanks
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Ross Bowring

13 years ago

Yeah, Rick is right in his points above.

Think seriously about the questions he posed.

--- Ross

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chg

13 years ago

1) Who you are
2) What you're offering
3) Why people should believe you
4) Exhibit trust to your readers, show them examples of past success
5) Tell the truth!

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benracz

13 years ago

These guys are very smart and they are also right in all kinds of ways. Take their advice.

And after you take their advice and re-work the copy, I suggest also consider:

What's your sales process? What's the sequence you're taking people through? Who is going to see this? Where do you get traffic from? Are they pre-sold in any way? Can you maybe bring them to a squeeze page, give them free value, help them out some ways, build yourself up slowly and only pitch them afterwards?

Dropping cold traffic to a sales page like this directly is not likely to convert very well unless you spend several thousand dollars on getting the copy written by a professional first.

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d3communications

13 years ago

I agree with the points above. Your headline and first paragraphs really need to help the reader know that you know their plight.

For example,
Stop throwing money away just to pay for someone else's mortgage (Small text above headline...this is swiped from a suggestion above)

Renters! Dreaming of owning your own home one day? (Main headline...again...someone suggested this above)

Your chances of saving enough for a home while paying rent are less than 2% (small text below the headline, using whatever interesting, shocking, or powerful proof/stats are available)

Then use your first paragraph to agitate the issue...show that you really understand what's going on in the mind of your target reader.

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Jax81

13 years ago

Originally Posted by d3communications

I agree with the points above. Your headline and first paragraphs really need to help the reader know that you know their plight.

For example,
Stop throwing money away just to pay for someone else's mortgage (Small text above headline...this is swiped from a suggestion above)

Renters! Dreaming of owning your own home one day? (Main headline...again...someone suggested this above)

Your chances of saving enough for a home while paying rent are less than 2% (small text below the headline, using whatever interesting, shocking, or powerful proof/stats are available)

Then use your first paragraph to agitate the issue...show that you really understand what's going on in the mind of your target reader.

I'm glad you were able to navigate the crappy copy to identify the real message I am trying to get across. Great tip. Thanks!

Thanks
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michaelpotter 13 years ago

If you have helped 40 families then you have proof, Get testimonials from them,
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Jax81

13 years ago

With all the great advice I've received, I'm inclined to work with a talented copywriter to re-work the sell page copy! Thanks everyone, for helping me see the light