Squeeze page comments please

by maco
14 replies
Hi guys,
Please give me your feed back on my squeeze page. This is my first squeeze page so all comments are welcome. Is it too short? do I need to expand more or is it long enough.
I am a boring writer as I am used to write academic reports and business correspondence and I hope I don't filter this in the squeeze page.
Then Tips For Making Best Friends

Thanks a lot.
#comments #page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author fbivens
    Not going to dissect the entire page bro, but as for the headline...yawn...

    Just a suggestion here, do with it what you will:

    Discover My 10 Unbeatable Methods For Becoming An Irresistible Friends Magnet...
    Warning: You May Have To Get a Bigger Patio For This Summer's Parties!

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  • Profile picture of the author sun2son
    Maco,

    Personally I think you've got some work to do. With people being asked everywhere on the web for their contact info they are being a lot more reluctant to give it without a GOOD reason.

    I agree the headline is weak - even if well intended. Invest some quality time on it - some great copywriters would spend a week to come up with their best headline - so invest a couple of hours on it - perhaps post your list of possible headlines and let the people in the forum vote to choose their favorite.

    I would also say you're going to need to 'stir up' your visitors 'pain' more to motivate them into action. I'm recalling a TV advert for some anti-depresent which said "Depression hurts everybody" and showed sad people who looked like they were hurting emotionally. What does loniness/no friends look like?, feel like? - state that in very raw literal terms and people will get stirred up imho.

    I would consider adding a story about how you were once suffering from this problem and after looking high and low you've come across the type of info that has made a big difference in your life (ie lots more friends).

    Consider adding a picture (you can buy one super cheap) of a group of friends together looking like their having a great time.

    Consider inviting people from the forum here to review your report, collect testimonials from them and post them as a part of your page.

    Good luck,
    John
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  • Profile picture of the author lenlatimer
    Hi Maco,
    I agree with all of the posts - you certainly could improve the headline.

    Also your copy is too short. You've defined the problem, so now "agitate" the problem using anecdotal stories of people not having friends, and then tell how you can help them solve it.

    I'd also suggest explaining what having friends would mean to them (benefits). Use emotion. And if you have any testimonials, do add them for some social proof that it works.
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    Len Latimer
    Copy-In-A-Box, an amazing Word Add-in Tool that adds Dazzle & Personality to your copy. My WSO

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  • Profile picture of the author JMartin
    Some good points here already.

    Make sure you finish your thoughts in a sentence. Your headline says "Learn The 10 Tips And Start." Okay, the 10 tips to what? You see, you forgot to complete this. Now as a reader I'm already struggling with the copy.

    A couple other things.

    We're creatures that love order, continuity and visual stimulus. Your page is lacking some of this. At the very minimum, try to add at least a picture (that's on topic). Another idea is to add one main focus point (what you want them to do). Right now your visual presentation is conflicting. As a result, you're splitting your audience before the party even gets started.

    I know for a fact that the copy isn't really too short for a squeeze page. It's just not punchy/concise enough.

    The writing needs work from an English standpoint too.

    BTW, halfway into your copy you have the start of a good headline idea:

    "Imagine what would it be like to be able to make friends with all types of personalities."

    (That sentence needs English help too)

    Last tip: Don't waste words, especially if you're trying to fit copy into a defined space.

    For instance, you don't need to tell the reader to "insert their e-mail address correctly." If I wanted what you had, would I normally do it incorrectly? Simply telling them that their report is being rushed to their email gets this message across without the added text.

    Anyway, good luck with it!

    - Jason
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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    The headline could be stronger and more alive...
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  • Profile picture of the author maco
    Hi All,
    Thanks for all your unique and creative comments. I have implemented all of them and soon I will offer the report for review. Thanks again for your time to review my squeez page and post comments.

    Kind regards,
    Maco
    Signature

    Learn how to make friends

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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    spelling errors, sounds dry, headline not as powerful...

    just speak natural - like you are speaking to your best friend about something you feel very passionately about...
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  • Profile picture of the author vrostad
    HI Marco.

    All the above oments are good and your site has improved a lot already.

    I would suggest adding a picture or something, though...maybe you and all your friends on the patio

    And if you could get some people in video telling about their great experience with your tips, I believe you would get a lot of prospects signing up


    Warmest regards,

    Victor A. Roestad
    Signature
    The Money Is In The List. When will you start building your own profitable list?

    Listbuilding That Benefits YOU First
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  • Profile picture of the author Fernando Veloso
    Header + Video + Opt-in.

    Redo these and you're good to go.
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    People make good money selling to the rich. But the rich got rich selling to the masses.
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    • Profile picture of the author Treborrevo
      You're probably not going to like this - but lose the NLP-ease.

      "You shouldn't get excited about gaining hypnotic powers to make friends until you read the report and start enjoying the pleasure of being surrounded with friends."

      What may work in conversational hypnosis makes for bad copy. This last line should be driving hard to get them to take action.

      Take a look at some proven squeeze pages, read the last lines and then compare them to yours.

      Oh, drop the first two paragraphs of your copy and start with the paragraph that begins...

      "Imagine what would it be like to make friends effortlessly..."

      Way better opening line...
      Signature

      Robert Stover
      RobertStover.com

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  • Profile picture of the author rbthanders
    I'd drop the "What if we could give you" and change it to something more along the lines of "When you sign up/order/whatever I'm going to show you 1., 2., 3., etc.".

    If you're going to use that verbage, I would follow it with a second question such as 'how much would that be worth to you?', 'How would your self esteem improve?', etc.
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    Affiliates earn 75% per sale - converts in almost ANY niche - TBT Pre-Launch Blog
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    • Profile picture of the author Dima Kritchevski
      TIP #1: Call to action

      Change the call to action to "Get Instant Access" or "Free Instant Access"... my own and many other peoples split tests have proven over and over that this is a very high converting call to action.

      TIP #2: Better Headline

      Here's an example:

      "You're About To Discover 10 Secrets To Winning Anyone Over In Any Situation"

      TIP #3: Sub headline and Opening Paragraph

      You're opening paragraph goes down a valuable stream of thought by pointing out the problem and than proposing that you have the solution, but you'd be better of summing it up in a punchy, powerful sub-headline than using curiosity spiking bullets beneath, for example:

      Yes! You Really Can Break The Cycle Of Boredom, Loneliness And Social Awkwardness And Discover The Secrets To Making Friends Quickly And Easily, Improving Your Conversation Skills Dramatically And Uncovering The Personal Magnetism That Is Hidden Inside You!

      hope that helps!
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      Shin Splints Treatment - Stop Shin Splints Forever
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  • Profile picture of the author multimastery
    It was ok but didn't stir my emotions at all. Maybe add some pics and bring out some words and phrases to really get people ticking! Keep working on it you'll get it
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