How good is my pre-selling and pitch?

This is also my first pitch page.. I actually think it is very compelling because I am well known in the industry(thus higher price point, etc) and I try to capitalize on that. But ultimately, I need to get the conversions above 1%.

Awful ebook cover.

Sort of a dry, technical presentation - not a bad thing always
because it may deflect sales resistance.

Loren,

Thank you very much for your feedback. I really appreciate it.


- I think I'll go ahead and make the picture of the ebook cover larger and more distinguishable. Possibly place the text that is below it, to the right of it.

- Also, you said my presentation was "dry and technical". What specifically does that mean? Would you recommend changing it? Essentially I want the tone of "I'm an expert, you need my ebook to be successful". I belive this to be a good tact to use as I feel that my visitors/target market are faced with a daunting task of evaluating a franchise where they will invest a portion, if not all of, their life savings.

Thank you again for your response.


Jason

There are a lot of factors in choosing the voice of the copy
and the layout even of the salespage. The way you have
it set-up reminds me of a site for an engineering firm, not
a site selling a book, but a site designed to inform potential
clients of the firm's accomplishments with charts and drawings.

That's the point you should hammer hard from a variety of
angles. Fear, trepidation - all that.

I think you would do best to really blow up the problem of
making the wrong decision, even of going to-far into the
sales process with a franchise rep - there is a lot to it,
writing a winning letter with this. There is a way to embed
and increase the fear in your prospect's mind so he will
be paralyzed about pursuing his decision without getting
your product first. It's not something I can explain
easily here however.

Loren,

Thank you for your comments. You are dead on.

P.S. Nice Hair.

I personally like the look except for the background. I gravitate toward editorial style pitch pages. I would personally took off the word "finally" from the headline. I would definitely take off the first sentence where you talk about selling. When you talk selling in the first paragraph no one is going to read your pitch IMO.

Your copy should be longer IMO

Alex,

Thank you very much for your feedback.

You're right that it is just a brochure on a website.. I need to incite pain, anguish, and despair. After all, how would you feel if you lost your life savings(or came damn near close)? Which I unfortunately have..

Thank you also for your idea of using blind bullets. I will use them.

I also think I will model the letter off of some others I have seen referenced on this site. I'm also going to use Serif and Justify to lay out the text format.

I've also thought about adding a form to request the free ebook, rather than just giving it away. I know it's about modifying the site slowly measuring the changes, but I also beleive there are some universal "do's" and "don'ts".

Also, has anyone had success with video? I think it could be powerful, but bandwidth can be an issue. I want to sell internationally.

Please let me know any other ideas/criticism.. I *deeply* appreciate it and will do my best to pay it forward.


Jason

Activetrader,

Thank you very much for your feedback. I think you were right on regarding the change in the first sentence by not selling in it as well as cleaning up the headline. People like to buy from people they know, so I need to have the user get to know me.

I do have to ask however, what's wrong with the green background? I like it because it's different, BUT I have read that the most successfull letters have black in the background because then the reader focuses on the words instead(test should also be black).

Please elaborate.. and thank you again for your help. It really means a lot to me.


Jason

Several things stand out immediately...

1) I think it's a huge mistake to have a blurb about promoting your product as an affiliate at the top of your page. No one wants to be your affiliate, at that point. They haven't read your copy and don't even know what your offer is about, but you're already trying to pitch them on being an affiliate. Put it at the very bottom.

2) You have several imposing looking blocks of copy at the start of your page. It looks -- and is -- hard to read. Use some white space! It's the web -- not a newspaper ad where you're paying for space by the inch. I would also strongly suggest using subheads to catch scanners and draw people in.

3) When offering a digital product, it's a good idea to tell people what file format your product is in -- pdf, doc, txt, exe, or html. Pdf is virtually always the preferred format, but they won't know what it is if you don't tell them. Don't assume that they already know or don't care.

You should also state the file size. Some people are still on slow connections. Is your book 100Kb or 1GB?

The point of these suggestions is to help remove some of the "roadblocks" that exist between the start of your copy and the order button. Taken individually, they are all small points. But, combined, they can create substantial resistance... and kill your sales.

Hope this helps.

Johnny

Jason,

A few more things...

1) The placement of your picture isn't optimal. It's looking away from your copy, instead of into it. That's a mistake. I would move it to the start of your first paragraph and LEFT justify it.

2) I'm not sure if you did it knowingly, but I see that you have your testimonials in a separate column. This is the way it should be -- well done!

Most marketers place them inline with their copy -- a huge mistake. It interrupts the reader's "flow" and forces them to stop and start reading. Once you overcome inertia and get them reading, you want to keep that train rolling.

3) I actually like your background, but it's a bit "loud." I'm concerned that it could distract people. But there is no way to know without testing it -- which is what you should do.

Solid black might look good with the orange border, but I would strongly suggest that you try to keep the look "bright and cheerful." So you might want to try a solid, medium green or a more subtle pattern, instead. Test, test, test...

Regards,

Johnny

One thing that jumps out at me is the distracting background. I'd say black or dark blue would work better, because those are perceived as serious business colours (can't find the reference right now).

As for the copy itself... I don't have enough experience to say if it could work, or if you need a more traditional sales page instead. But more subheads and a bulleted list or two never hurt online.

I think the story is good, It's set up in a well, logical order, and I think it works as far as getting people to download the documents. But not the book. I would put the actually book on another page, so that way if they like the conent of the documents and want to learn more, they can Then; check out the book. You jump to fast for me. I would sell the book seperately with it's own copy.

The other thing you may want to consider is chopping up the paragraphs to make them easier to read, maybe 3-4 lines each. They stretch to far to the righ in length and are chunky.

Hey everyone, Thank you very much for your responses. I'll respond to each of them individually as you all provided very good insight.

Johnny,

Thank you very much for the length AND quality of your critique, it really means a lot to me.
- You are so right about the affiliate program. It's a big turnoff to perspective customers because it sends a mixed message. Is this page for affiliates or potential franchisees?!?
- I agrree the text needs to be larger and utilize more whitespace. I plan to use Justify and a Serif font (also larger).
- You are also right about the file format and file size.. small thngs add up.

- I do have a question regarding my picture.. should it be placed closer to the action, which is purchasing the book? Or near the end of the pitch? Say "oh by the way, I'm a real person email me if you don't like my book, I'll give you your money back"
- I did put the testimonials on the left intentionally. I really wanted to avoid the typical "sales page" look. I think it has been a little overused (I'm NOT SAYING IT DOESNT WORK, it's over used because it DOES work), I just didn't want to portray that story/image/etc on this particular site. However, every selling page should have most elements from a sales letter.

Thank you again Johnny.

Jason,

Even more tips...

1) I don't like the typography of your price line:

"OVER $300 VALUE FOR ONLY $43.37"

If someone was just quickly scanning they might see $300 and think that was the price. Don't make them think. Make it obvious that the price is $43.37. Make the "over $300 value" part black, smaller, and put it on a separate line.

2) I do, however, like the odd price of $43.37. If you've read Cialdini's book, Persuasion, you know odd prices imply to people that there must be a reason for it. An odd price tends to seem like it was calculated, rather than arbitrarily applied.

3) Your use of bold type is probably OK, but don't go crazy on it. As Herschell Gordon Lewis said, "When you emphasize everything, you emphasize nothing."

4) I like the extra line-spacing used in your testimonial column. It makes the copy very easy to read. Smart!

5) I also like that fact that your sales letter looks like a blog post above the fold. In other words, initially, it looks more like an article than an ad. It allows your copy to fly under the radar of their skepticism.

Johnny

I'm seeing some ORANGE??? copy that says "13 Steps for Evaluating a Franchise Opportunity"...is this the right site?

If so, then here are my comments, if not, I'll delete this post.

First, I couldn't read the headline, sub-head...suggest you change the font and the color.

Second, I suggest a different approach...away from the fear and negative...but, I don't know where your traffic comes from or who they are.

It appears that you are selling an ebook to people who have expressed an interest in buying a franchise? And somehow you have got these targeted people to your site? Is this right?

As for the approach AWAY from scare...why not give them some good news.

Even in today's recessionary economy, owning a successful Franchise is still a viable way to achieve the American Dream. It is, isn't it?

There are some great franchises out there, and you could pick one that could help you realize your dream of turining pennies on the dollars into financial freedom.

The people who are looking for a franchise want to THINK there are good things out there, this site would make me reconsider doing a franchise at all. YIKES, I'd think, after reading the first few paragraphs, I'm a fool for even thinking about a franchise.

Jason, you've been in the business for awhile, isn't there some good news?

My opinion is it would be better to reinforce their consideration of buying a franchise with a READABLE headline...and then tell them...

Although owning a franchise can still be the best business you can buy in today's economy, IF you choose the wrong one, you may find yourself living in tent city.

In fact, I'd prefer to see YOUR story as the headline.

However old you were:

27 year old Ohio (whatever) man turns $15,000 into a multi-million dollar empire by franchising.

Hi I'm Jason Rager a real person from (HOMETOWN). I live just a few blocks away from the the McDonal's on State rd. I'm the guy who turned my life savings of $15,000 into a franchising Empire.

I'm well known in the franchising industry but you don't know me from Adam. Why should you? Because you may be about to make the greatest investment you'll ever make, OR you could be on your way to living in a tent. Why?

Because if you choose the wrong kind of franchise, you could end up like:

(then tell your stories) but I think you should build up some CRED with your own personal story to help establish your expertise.

Also, I'd lose the side bar testimonials and weave them into the copy. The don't have to be in highlight boxes, just make them part of YOUR story as a consultant. As you are building the VALUE, don't separate into 3 columns, make it part of the story as to what you do and what they get.

There is built in fear and trepedation on the part of someone about to take the plunge, but you just scare the hell out of them...without telling them why your book will work because you haven't built up any personal proof that you are the expert.

Good luck, if I went to the right site. If not, I'll delete my comments.

gjabiz

Johnny,

Thank you again for the insight and tips.. I am new so I apologize if I'm making some novice mistakes, but I'm trying to bootstrap the site (probably a bad idea, I should just invest in a pro).. but I enjoy learning new things and sales is a passion of mine.

I'll look into the Cashvertising book you mentioned above. I appreciate the reference (alex gave a great one as well, I'm making some bullet points that will "peak" the interests of my target market.

As far as the text, I think I'm going to modify the the whole bottom of the page in regards to bullets, less bold(you were so right about the emphasizing everything, you emphasize nothing), and a more standardized font running smoothly throughout the page.

Further, while modifying the bottom, I am going to implement your change regarding the typography for the price.. You are so right about this. Thank you for pointing it out.

Johnny, thanks for the clarification on the picture. The reason for asking was, I read a great article on typography where the author put his picture on the last page near the submit email (which makes sense), build trust to send someone your email.. So naturally, I asked.

I have a question if anyone knows anything about implementing video (youtube most likely) into the site. I'm just curious if the response is better than images. The biggest problem I am having, which Icering mentioned it above, is that the site looks good for downloading the free ebook but it is not geard toward the selling of the book. One of the most disturbing things happening is that I have not had ONE visitor send me an email, and my email address is at the bottom of the page! Further, I told them I would call them if they include their email. Not a lot of people bother with a phonecall, much less an email to answer any question about selecting a franchise! *I must clarify* I really don't want to spend my time calling people and sending emails. But I don't mind hiring someone to send emails, it can be streamlined rather easily.

Ultimately, what I am trying to get at is: people are not scrolling down to even look at buying the book, much less look at my email address. So the question is a matter of positioning!

- Should I even offer a free look at pages in my book?
- Should I collect email addresses for the look at my book (this is a yes, I'm sure it will help with conversions).
- Should I scrap the look at a book and show videos of the book or the "workbook in action" instead? (the workbook involves an interview)
- Should I even offer the product on this page?

I'm just curious what others have had the greatest success with as a "selling system" on webpages. Perhaps my followup question is in the wrong thread as most everyone here is a stellar copywriter, but any feedback is deeply appreciated.

Thanks again for the help.

Jason

Alex,

I'm keeping the bullet "Make millions." Just for you. Thanks for the letter.

The testimonials on the side are too large and makes it look almost like a wordpress format. You should just add the testimonials in the actual scroll letter and make the pitch skinnier. This is all pretty basic elements of sale pitch pages

I think it is great that you provide a "preview" to what your prospect will be getting so they can "sample the goods." Psychologically - this will go a long way. But because many people hit various points above - i want to say that when I read what your book will offer, I wasn't really hearing much (still kind of vague)...

You have 13 steps - so why not speak softly to them without giving too much information. This will suck your prospects in so they can see the value you will provide. This along with your preview may go a long way...

js