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which sounds better?

by Vanquish
10 replies
hey everyone i need your input on which of the following two sounds better


the missing link between you and success online or

the missing link between you and your success online?

Sometimes i think the your makes more sense gramatically but other times i tihnk it is use a word that can be cut down to make the sentence more optimal, which sounds better to you?
#sounds
  • Profile picture of the author JakeRhodes
    How about a slight change of the first option to make it more gramatically correct?

    "The missing link between you and online success!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Anomaly1974
    Wow! Just so you know I did not see this beforehand. I actually just posted a request to have my sales copy critique and the copy for my ad (Not my sales page) is strikingly similar.

    My first reaction was to invert online success to "your success online" but Jake's suggestion looks pretty good too.
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    • Profile picture of the author CopperCopy
      Although I agree with making it grammatically correct, I don't agree necessarily with Jake's revision.

      Jake's revision: "The missing link between you and online success!"

      I believe that you should add in the word "your" to make it more personal for the reader.

      "The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success:"

      Online Success is not specific, or personal enough.

      Anyone can have "online success" or "online failure" but it's different when you're talking about "your online success" or "your online failure."

      I want to know how YOU are going to help ME with MY online success.

      By making the heading more personal, I believe that you can hook the reader more effectively. So, with the grammatical change in mind, I would indeed include the extra "your" in your headline.

      So what is this missing link, anyways?
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      • Profile picture of the author procopywriter
        CopperCopy provided the best revision in terms of flow and intimacy.

        However, the word "success" is so general. What is it, exactly? It's sort of a vague concept that's always out in the future someplace. There's not a lot of emotional resonance with that word.

        If this is to be a headline, you need to work on it to create a deeper, more emotional connection.

        "Missing Link". What missing link? How is it affecting me not knowing about it?

        Communicate specifics while making an emotional connection. That's the key. Once you have the concept... THEN work on polishing the rhythm and flow.
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  • Profile picture of the author Vanquish
    wow thanks everyone for the replies especially CoperCopy that was an awesome explaination, im not actually using this for a headline its just gonna be the subtitle of my book, would u guys say it is good for a book subtitle
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  • Profile picture of the author Jon Steel
    "The missing link between you and online success!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Harry Behrens
    I agree with CopperCopy. The word you/your is never an "extra" word... it's what the headline needs to be about. The more personal you can make it, the better.
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    • Profile picture of the author whereizzi
      One of my favorite techniques for testing copy is to read it out loud.

      That helps the rhythm and flow, finds words I don't know... and tightens up phrases that ramble.

      Although...

      "Grammatically correct" isn't necessarily the first qualification I'd go for, as much as "not grammatically offensive". Depends on the audience you're trying to reach. Speaking the words in their head beats correct words on a page every time.

      Having said that, "The missing link between you and online success" has a better rhythm than the more directly personalized "The missing link between you and your online success". I think most readers are still sub-vocalizing the first 'you' as they're reading 'online success', making the connection sub-consciously even as they're putting the words together into an idea.

      Any chance of split-testing this for a quick read on your audience's preference?
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      • Profile picture of the author CopperCopy
        To answer your question, I think this could make an interesting subtitle to a book. It's potentially catchy, and engaging. Especially if your title is what is the missing link.

        i.e.

        Captain Crunch and Baseball Cards
        The Missing Link Between You and Your Online Success

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