Take Two on First Squeeze Page - May I Ask For Feedback?

It gives too much of a MLM'ish type of vybe where people say "Yeh right, I've seen this a 100 times" - It just doesn't have that urgency and specific call to action, I would work more on the titles and use different fonts and bolder red. Give it more of a modern look, it seems as if it was made back in the early 2000.

I agree with a lot of the comments (not that MMO is a bad niche; it is a great niche full of rabid buyers spending money constantly; notice how the biggest traffic on this site is in the WSO section; not the free sections; every niche has winners and losers, mostly the latter, but that's just how things go; wait for a niche most people succeed in, and you'll spend your life waiting).

I was put off by the mention of "Sandy"; I don't know her or have any reason to be interested; put all the focus on the visitor; no time for stories.

A squeeze page is simply too short to develop a character enough for people to be invested; mentioning a stranger's name in a headline is simply distracting. Save the stories for a regular site.

The video is also much too long, and your intro lost credibility immediately for a couple of reasons; it's jarring to realize that the person in the video isn't the same person as in the headline; as you can see from the comments, people got the wrong idea (not believing you made that much, because they didn't realize you weren't even talking about yourself).

Then you say, "for the next 3 minutes", when it's plain to see that the video runs over 4. Small, but noticeable discrepancy right off, and it matters, since people hitting squeeze pages usually will not take 3, let alone 4 minutes to decide if they want your freebie.

You should always lead with your best benefit; you did the opposite; answered the question "what's in it for me", with "for you to get the unknown benefit, I will be needing 75 minutes of your time".

Get rid of any preamble; the advice "tell them what you're about to say, then say it, then tell them what you just said"; is for speeches and stories, told to audiences that are pre-sold that they want to listen.

Just give your best benefits very quickly. If you want to expound a bit with video, for perhaps 1/2-1 minute, then sell me on watching, with 2-5 great bullets that convince me in 10 seconds that I'm interested enough to watch the video; then the video should merely amplify and deepen those benefits; get me excited.

The words "I am about to share" aren't too good anywhere; never put them on a squeeze page.

Another phrase that should never be used again, is "amazing income opportunity"; it's an instant turnoff, completely exhausted, and kills credibility. In fact, I'd think twice before touting any offer with the word "amazing"; it screams "hype".

Also, I wouldn't mention the 12 years; that is light years in make money niches. People think in weeks and months, not years, let alone a decade+.

I would completely rewrite it; spend some time honing down to your basic few benefits, and stick to those. You seem pretty new to marketing, and you don't need to talk about yourself on a squeeze page. Unless you can make your personal presence amplify the message rather than cast doubt on it, don't use it. Make it about Sandy if you want a person in it, or position yourself as a star, if you are.

When using words onscreen as you talk, make them match; in the video, you are literally saying:

"I needed to come up with a solution to get my message out into the world, and I wanted to be authentic; it wasn't about making money; it was about sharing...",

while at exactly the same time, these words were going by on the screen:

"This system is much more efficient

It's a cookie cutter system

Do it once-reap the benefits for life

It's the ultimate system to leverage your time and income"

People have to choose between listening and reading; it doesn't work; the studies on multitasking are very clear on this point.

You need to stay on point as well; the headline is all about making money; then you're telling us it's not about money. Please don't do that.

When you do craft your much shorter message, clean up the grammar a bit too; make it sound like a pro, and practice the phrasing so it's clean; no repeats, no stumbling. No phrases like "I wanted to be authentically...share my message", after having mentioned sharing or getting out your message several times already.

I know all that sounds harsh, but you have a good speaking voice, and you just need to take time to craft a much shorter, more focused pitch; all benefits; make it about us, not you, no rambling, no stumbling, and no stories, unless it's one you can tell in 2 sentences that perfectly illustrates a main benefit.

You will not find too many takers in any "make money" niche that will love the benefit "it's for people that want to get their message into the world"; that's a different audience; artists, activists, writers, and such. The headline isn't aimed at them. Keep it simple. Good luck, and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

PS: "The Ultimate Freedom System" needs to go as well.