When you and your spouse aren't on the same page

He sounds lazy and unmotivated. Why are you with him again?

The typical love answer. Tell him how you feel. I am sorry but I refuse to be with someone who wastes most of their day doing useless activities. That is just me though.

I don't think it matters if you move your computer or not. Just focus in on what you want and go after it. Don't ever let another person bring you down. I think anyone can do a online business but they must show initiative to do it. Go copy these 6 steps from: Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill MP3 Audio Book Free and then have him and you write your 6th steps.

Find a way to mastermind with him. Start working together and then set aside some time to play video games and surf the net with him. Light a fire under him by letting him know how important this is for you. Become each others motivation. Let him see this thread to show how important this is for you.

Also let him know that you believe in HIM!

Do you tell each other every day how much you love each other? If my spouse wouldn't remind me of that every day I too would feel pretty unmotivated. Everything I do is for her and she reminds me of that everyday. I was in your spouse situation about a year ago,I had a job though, I hated it so I quit. The first thing me and my spouse did was to go out on a nice romantic dinner, we enjoyed every moment we had together, we told each other how much we loved one another and she told me that she knew that I would take care of her, thats single sentence changed my life .

My advice would be this, and its advice that I definitely observe, is don't do business with the person you share a bed with.

I think you should concentrate on the aspects of your partner that you like that are not related to work. Like he's a nice guy or treats you well. People are basically impossible to change and so you are just going to be frustrated if you try. And not everyone is driven, you have to take people as they are.

Keep your own home business separate, concentrate on your work, and be grateful that you have someone in your life.

He needs motivation. motivate him with inspirational quotes, inspirational threads or inspirational articles. hope this will help you and you would not move your computer to other place.

I have a different approach. Quit dealing with it and stop letting it affect you. I know, easier said that done. Start something of yourown and get some small successes out of it. Then build on those. You will find that those will give you more and more confidence. In time, one of two things will happen. He will see your successes and get motivated himself or his lack of motivation will no longer bother you because of your own successes.

I know it's a little harsh. But this is what happens. sometimes couples grow together and sometimes they grow apart. Be ready for either path by having a successful business of your own.

I think if you move the computer to a place where you are by yourself, without interruptions and distractions you can be more productive and efficient at what you do.

I hope it helps.

If he is actually working on the website for the sign business, see if you can find a local kid to handle the stuff that needs to be taken somewhere. For the online stuff, find some kind of VA. If he can work a couple of hours a day and bring in an income that will support the kid and a VA plus add some money to the household budget it is a good start. Once he sees some money come in with the little bit he is doing he might find the motivation to do more.

Another update, I am finding keeping this thread and updating is useful to see how things are coming along and also seeing if I am wasting my time.

He worked on the web site for a couple days and stopped. It has been a week since he has done anything on it.

What is he doing? Back to playing video games, watching tv series, and surfing the net reading gossip.

At this point, he needs to go find a job to get some money coming into the house. I am certainly not going back to my old career and come home and work on my online business while he sits and loafs on the sofa all day doing nothing. I really regret not prodding him to get work when he first lost his job. Some people apparently really need the stick as motivation.

As for me, I am making progress with my online venture. There is so much to learn!
I find I am settling into a schedule at home and except for a couple days of being sick last week, I find myself working all day. I find my creativity returning. It is amazing how much IT work was dulling my mind.

I really don't know how long I am going to put up with this. I do enjoy being with my husband but honestly can't see myself staying with someone who refuses to do more than sit on the sofa and play games. I am worried about being lonely as I have no family here in this country and certainly don't want to move back to where I am from.

hey
I need to ask you this question. Does he do things for you? I mean take the initiative to go out on a dinner, or a walk, just to be with you. Does he ask you if you are ok, if you're happy, tired, and so on? Does he want to help with the rest of the housework, shopping, only for you, because you're tired? ( because men do not like these stuff..)..Most importantly, does he want to grow old with you?
If yes, at least on a few of them...I think he can be motivated as long as you put a goal together, like changing your house, or going on holidays somewhere really nice, or having bigger plans, like children....if he does not want any further goals or plans, ( that involve you too ) then you know the hursh truth...and you need to take care after yourself, and your business. So yes, you will need to take your computer somewhere else.
Some times the distance helps both parties to evaluate and appreciate what they have/had. And it is always for better, you just do not know which way, until you follow the path, and clear your feelings.
I hope all goes well...and wish you strengthness and luck!

Could he possibly have depression? If in the past he's been able to be productive and hold down a job, and this has only been a problem since he has been out of work, he may actually have an illness. The hard thing will be getting him to see his doctor to get checked out..

How about trying to bring him along with you for the ride? Working as partners on a project is far more fun and stimulating thandoing it alone. If you can inject some enthusiam for IM into him and paint a picture of the potential profits that a successful IM life can bring, you might just get him motivated?

I agree with johnpea...you've got to try and find some common ground to work with here...maybe when you're not working you could talk to him about the games he enjoys playing and see if you could transition that conversation to IM or something that could possible create a cash flow for you and him. But even if he doesn't want to, you have to find away to block out the noise (negative stuff) and focus on the things you need to do. Of course it's not going to be easy, but it will and can be worth it and very rewarding. I would also suggest begin reading more self help and business books. Some of the things that successful people have had to overcome can be inspiring for you and him.

Hey,

I'm so sorry for this difficult situation you endure. I know it must be so hard to love a man that you have no idea why you love.

It seems like you've done just about everything you can do in this situation. You've told him how you feel, but it just doesn't seem to do any good. It seems as though he is just doing what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.

Have you ever thought about giving him an ultimatum?

I know you said you don't really want to leave him because you're afraid of being lonely, but for some people, the chance of losing someone as dependent as he is on you, can be just what he needs to kick his butt in gear.

Of course, when you make the ultimatum, you have to stick to it. So, if he doesn't do what you want him to do, you really would need to do whatever you tell him you will do. Whether that's leave him or whatever else you think will motivate him enough to fight for you back.

It just seems like he is taking advantage of you, and will continue to as long as you allow him to....

Let us know how everything is.. Good luck.

he has to make a conscious decision to change the way hes behaving and he has to make it on his own. Honestly, if hes being such a downer you should consider leaving him. Talk about it, let him know how he is making you feel, and tell him if he doesn't get a job soon it won't work out between the two of you. or just go somewhere else for a few days

You said he used to have great work ethic, he lost his job, and now he doesn't have any motivation, or just intermittent motivation and its been a year... It sounds like depression to me. And you sound like a saint, but I think that might be part of the problem.

You've given him rides to work when you were sick, built his business idea out for him and did the leg work, look at playing audio motivational stuff out loud hoping he'll over hear it.. it all sounds very codependent. Normal people don't do that for sick people. And its like people in the forum have said, you can't really change other people. But you can stop supporting their lifestyle, and that goes for depression, alcoholism, and a host of other mental health issues that are prolonged by loving caretakers that are drawn to saving or protecting that type of person out of love.

You might consider taking a look at some reading materials on codependency. There are programs and meetings available for loved ones of those suffering from various mental health issues. Hope I didn't overstep. I really do wish you the best with everything.

If he face the fact that he might be on the edge of losing you it might just be the kick in his ass to get motivated to do something. Being faced with an ultimatum is not the best solution.. but maybe the last and final solution..

You only live once, do not throw that life away on being unhappy.

He sounds like a loser. Tell him to do something or get out.

I would advice that you first talk this over with him before moving out your stuff. Let him know how his laziness is affecting you and the many opportunities available online that he can get busy with. Communication and compromise should apply and are key to any steady relationship.

umm to answer your question...I think that your husband is a phlegmatic....a couch potatoe. Not everyone has what is takes to start and work a home business. Getting a home biz off the ground takes a ton of work and motivation and a willingness to learn a ton of new stuff.

Most people are not like this. Most people want to work at a job...put in their 40 hrs a week...get weekends off...and then make their boss rich.

Kudos to you though for having the strength to finally say....enough is enough! Coming from an IT background, you should catch on really quick to all the technical jargon that is required to start a home business online. There are a million ways to make money online, adsense, amazon, cpa offers, clickbank, etc....The key for you is picking one of those and stick with it. Focus on it and don't buy every new product that claims to make you six figures in a month.

The biggest hurdle you will have...is staying focused and positive. Have a spouse that is not on-board....or one who isn't pulling their weight....well it's beyond frustrating.

The best thing for you to do is....talk about how things are going to move forward at this point. Talk to him about how him being a bum...is affecting how you feel towards him. Tell him to man up...and get off his ass.

You need to set aside a specific time period per day to work on your business. Write out what your daily tasks are and then do them. Everyday...don't miss it. Then keep at it for 60 days...nevermind the brussels growing out of your hubby's ears....just keep at it and you will come out on top.

The biggest hurdle is staying positive and focused. I am very very depressed.

I did move my computer into the spare bedroom and it is much better. I am not distracted by his games, tv, and other things.

I did give him an ultimatum a few weeks ago that he needed to go get a job and get some money coming in or I was leaving. I really don't care if he wants to be self employed. It doesn't matter. I'm not forcing him. I just want him to get a job and bring some money in.

Maybe he thinks I really won't leave?

I do have an online plan and have been working very hard at it. This stuff with him is dragging me down. I could be working harder than I am.

Then today I get a call for a consulting gig in another state and they are desperate for this skill. I am torn between the fast easy money and staying full time with what I am doing.

of course my husband is all for ME taking the job.

your success may inspire your spouse to work like you.

share your success stories with him. It will help him to be positive with work and LIFE.

Talk to him, i am sure he will understand.

Yes, I think that he doesn't think you will leave. Actions speak louder than words.

It's so great that your business is progressing as you would like it to. Keep focusing on your business because it may be all you have right now...

Actually after not working for more than a year does make you lazy. It's harsh but that's the truth. Tell him it's ok to not have job right now but that doesnt mean he gets to stay in home. Just go outside. Leave the home everyday atleast 8 to 6 or 9 to 6. This way what happens is once he starts going out everyday, after couple days he's gonna be so bored, he'll start looking for work or business seriously.
That's my 2 cents.

We are all adults and we can all make our own decisions, his decision is that he has given up, if he excuses everything and wants to make his future dull, dont be a part of it you have more to offer, and you have alot more things to do. I am not saying leave, and iam not saying its easy, believe me I must be the only one here that understands because iam in the same boat previously. Best way to overcome this is take away certain things that are entertaining him, being luxurys, tell him you love him because you want the best for him, and take his house key from him and say go out to an internet cafe and come back with 10 jobs you applied for today. Then when he comes back he has to show you what he has done, otherwise he doesnt come in. It worked for me in the past, otherwise you will have to get him to go to a clinic and scare him that he has depression. I hope whatever happens it works out for you.

This is unacceptable, he must change his habits

After a year of trying everything as in being nice, not saying anything, saying something, applying for jobs for him, issuing an ultimatum, with no results, it truly makes me feel taken advantage of and that, when I think about it makes me feel angry and resentful.

He sure is gung ho about ME taking this consulting gig.

I think I am going to wait until the end of this month before I say any more about it as I have something important I need to do and don't need any grief from me telling him I am leaving.

I just can't shake how foolish I feel after telling him to find a job or I'm leaving and he fake looks for a couple days and is back to goofing off on the sofa all day long.

It makes me feel like he is thinking, "gee what an idiot she is. She is too soft to do anything so I will just goof off as long as she allows it and then I will act like im doing something to buy a few more months at a time of loafing. why should i have to work when she will do it all."

After being together for over two decades, we have learned that it is in both our interests that one of us immediately gets on the page as the other - in case things start to get out of control. That is life and that is love.

Best wishes and regards
Ric

You should talk to him about it. Keeping what bad you see to him won't help him. Better be honest to your feelings and tell him what you feel. That way, you will able to help him to see the reality.

Hi Nipsyr,
you remind me of myself-I too work in IT, have done for 15 years and I too am 'Over It'
the corporate environment is a drag, it sucks all your passion and dreams out of you. I too am in the process of metamorphosing-have built quite a few websites, signed up to affiliate agencies, a Town Portal. I have days where i feel despondent and depressed because it is so hard. But i am from the North of England and we are a dogged people! I will not give up, i will persist. Your partner sounds like he is Depressed, possibly he is using the situation because he is able to..how is he funding his 'Not Working'? If you are enabling him to continue to mooch, he will keep doing it. I think you need to use 'tough Love' if you want to stay together, if someone truly loves you, they will not be a parasite, they will not take advantage of your kindness. Get the big stick out! That is my advice, get a bit leaner and meaner. If he leaves, well it was not meant to be-you have to initiate the change.

Hey there, came across your thread. I just wanted to say I was like your partner not so very long ago. I was in a rut for three years until something happened that woke me up.

I realized I was just running away from reality, all the video games, watching tv, just wasting time... I thinking your husband may be just using those as a means to forget the current issues at hand. Since I had no one there to support me, I consider myself extremely lucky to have snapped out of it and actually earn money online.

My best advice is not to give him an ultimatum but rather, slowly take away the things he enjoys. The tv, video games whatever, take away his freedom one at a time. He can't complain because he doesn't do jack around the house does he?

You got to put him in a corner and force him to start thinking about his current situation before its too late. I won't say he's jerk or anything because these kind of things happens even to the best of us. But ultimately he has to make the choice, just guide him toward that goal.

Glad to know that despite everything, you're still pushing forward. I know how difficult it is when people criticize you for doing something you want to do.

Marco

Hey Nipsyr,
Now to be honest.. I've never ever posted in a thread along this line.

I'm a long term IT person as well, but mainly on the Sales and Marketing side.

And, I'm definitely not a marriage counselor type of guy.

Although, I've been married a loooooooooooong time.

And we're still in love, and happy.

So I guess, I have some credentials after all. ;.)

When I read your first post, my immediate reaction was drop him like a hot potato.. sounds like he's not about to change.

However, as I read through the thread I softened my stance, quite a bit.

I'm not a confrontational person, in fact, I often go out of my way to avoid it.

It looks like you're a bit that way too.

And it seems you've made progress over the last month, so I want to congratulate you.

On the business side, however, I think some real hard goal setting might be in order.

What's the plan for this week..
What are the activities planned for this week
Then track them to make sure whoever is doing them, gets them done.

This would add a bit of accountability, and also a sense of achievement as you and he meet the daily objectives and complete the various tasks to build the business.

Just a few thoughts from someone wishing you well.
Cheers
Patrick

I think it would help you stay more focused.
I did the same thing. I moved my laptop to the spare bedroom so I could
concentrate more and not be distracted by the tv and other things. It has helped me focus more and get my to do list done and accelerate my business.

Could it be that your husband is depressed? When my brother in law was laid off he didn't leave the couch for weeks. And he's not a lazy guy. When he had a job, he would work hard, do some home improvement around his house and even volunteered for church.

But when he laid off, he just felt lost. He opened up to my husband saying that although he knows that he's a great worker, getting fired made him like he wasn't good
enough for anything.

I'm not saying you should go easy on him but I think maybe he needs professional help. Try talking to him about seeing a psychiatrist. If a doctor is able to diagnose that he's depressed, therapy and medication can help.

Once my brother-in-law started therapy he slowly got back to his old self again. Helping out around he house,volunteering at church. And just a few weeks ago he started looking for a job again. He hasn't found one yet but at least he's not as sad and he's doing something productive while waiting for that job.

I have hope you got this sorted a year later, but you cant help someone who doesn't want to help themselves and don't let them drag you down.

I'm sure you know the answers to your own questions but it is hard to do.

I can relate to your situation. I was that guy for the good part of a 7 year relationship.

It's interesting reading your insight in to how you're feeling as I kind of feel like thats what must have happened to my ex. It's a sad read.

I was in a bad place but wasn't strong enough to deal with it. I would waste time and be unproductive. She was supportive but I was stupid, I don't think it really mattered what she did tbh I thought I was doing the right thing for me.

Eventually she moved her stuff out and went to live at her mums. For the first month or so I was kind of happy but I soon realised how much I missed her and what an idiot I had been. It was too late though. She had obviously felt better being away from me which was unsurprising and fair enough.

It's been a a year and a half since the split. Since then I have quit my dead end job and am travelling in Asia. The time away has been brilliant for me and enabled me to look back at my past behaviour and realise where I want to be and who I want to be. It's a weird feeling but the rejection has motivated me like I've never been before. It's great but I don't have her to enjoy it with which is sad.

I've quit drinking and changed my diet. I feel so much more energetic and proactive. I've already managed to find a great job that I'm going back to after my travels. I've also enrolled on a leadership and management university degree which starts around the same time. Life is great at the moment. It's weird looking back and seeing that I got to spend so much time with a great woman without really spending time with her. It's a regret but there's no point dwelling on the past, I feel like a different person now.

What I would say is that if you're unhappy or you feel like you resent his behaviour then you should move out of the house. Don't divorce. Before you leave sit him down and explain how you feel in detail, make him realise how his behaviour affects you and that you can't go on living this way. Be communicative and mature about it, don't just run away leaving him confused.
Don't expect an immediate reaction from him. If there is no improvement then you will realise whether you want to go back or not, you may even feel liberated.

I hope you find happiness from your situation and all the best with your business.

Your spouse sounds depressed, get counseling.

When you and your spouse are not on the same page in some area of life and you focus on the discord instead of what is right in the relationship you get more discord. Law of Attraction gives you what you focus on.

It is easier in the early stages of discord to refocus on what is desired and turn things around but unless both of you have toe tags on, it is never too late to repair a relationship gone south. It does not mean you have to stay together but the focus on the unwanted is going to bring you that in all areas of life if you keep your focus on it.

If you can't focus on him and feel good, focus elsewhere. It matters.

As far as his behavior. Everyone will be intrinsically motivated if they feel empowered to follow their dreams. You said he is not depressed but he is not feeling empowered. I am positive he has desires that he is not reaching to fulfill. Being laid off can be devastating to self-worth and self-esteem. It can make someone feel very disempowered. It can go so far as to become Learned Helplessness, a state in which no action will be taken because the person simply believes their actions won't make a difference. No amount of external urging will work if this is the situation. The mindset has to be changed first and then great progress can be made.

We also get what we expect from others. If you look back through your posts you have developed an expectation that he will not do what you want. Look for evidence, anywhere and everywhere that he will do something you want him to do and focus there. Take out the trash? Touch you the way you like to be touched? Sit with you at mealtime? Find something, anything. Focus there.

If you back up and look at your early posts where he was not doing as you wanted and your perception was that his inaction was interfering with your progress on your own goals you will see that his later actions (i.e. sending the dog in to pester you) were increasing evidence of this belief. If you don't focus on what you want, you feel the emotional discord, if that does not make you re-focus the actual manifestations become larger and larger--eventually you either clean up your own vibration (focus and emotional stance) or you get sick and die (a bigger manifestation).

He does not have to change at all, initially, for you to turn the situation around. In fact, not talking to him but just changing your focus is easier than attempting to talk to him about wanting to change and changing focus. Once you change your own emotional stance and focus he will either change or leave your experience. When you expect things to appreciate in your life he will either become a match to that or be gone and things to appreciate (including people) will show up.

It's not easy but it is the only thing you have control over that you can do to make your life feel as you want it to. That is worth anything--including letting him off the hook for how you feel. How you feel is up to you. How you feel determines how you will feel about new experiences.

Hope this helps.

Joy

expectations... the biggest killer of ANY relationship. We make no promises in our marriage either. We just do.

Goodness. Goodness. You have a good idea. Put it into effect. Move to the bedroom.

No. If he was going to do ANYTHING online he would already be miles ahead of you. He is not interested in that. He needs to discover what he is passionately interested in on his own.

I has to come from him just as you are finding it coming from within you. All the best luck to you in this situation. Do yourself and your significant other a favor and persist in what you are doing regardless of anything or anyone else.

LLS

Good to hear that you are making progress. Sorry to hear of the difficult times.


Whew, there are some serious problems here and not just in the marriage. I am also concerned with an untrained dog being left to pee in the house. That's a bit of an additional red flag that I hear that you can't train the dog. Luckily both the marriage (and the dog) can be handled.

You have been given a few bits of advice from many people here. I see that you did move your computer but then jumped to ultimatum with your spouse. After some considerable frustration I see as well. It is incredibly heart-warming to see someone willing to work on their marriage.

Dog training, building a business, getting a job, and saving a marriage is a lot of work but not overly so. This is actually quite doable. The good news is (if there aren't more serious problems you haven't mentioned) this can truly be salvaged. The real question is - How hard are you willing to work on it? Anybody who has had a lasting marriage will almost always tell you horror stories equal (and often worse) than what you described. This is an incredibly complex and difficult task but one which many many people accomplish. The bad news is that it usually doesn't get any better anytime soon.

People have jumped in with a ranging scale of advice. From - DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. HE'S A FREAKINI' LOSER. To temporary coping skills like moving the computer, get him out of the house. To some more sound advice like co-dependency or depression that needs to be done.

I can't tell what the actual problem is without really seeing it. Since I doubt you're going to send me video of your home life - and please don't. Let me take another approach to this.

Here are three levels of what may be going on.
1. Husband is clinically depressed from losing a job or whatever. Many things can set this off and it lasting a year is certainly not out of the question.
a. This requires immediate and serious outside help. Plenty of help ranges from coming to us here at the Warrior Forum (like a friend or a life coach) to actual therapy to even needing medication. Just saying there are options depending on what is actually going on.
2. You and your husband have just fallen into a serious bad rut that needs real education and determined follow through to clean up.
a. This is where a life coach, workshop, group workshops, communications classes, or even some group support through therapy or community development places.
3. Or last, and sounds least likely problem, is that this isn't really all that bad. Some exercise, better nutrition, or just buck up is in order. Most people treat real problems like this since "cures" are impossible in the field of psychology.



There are literally at least a dozen different skill sets needed to turn your life around.
I don't know your personality styles for sure so I'm just taking a decent stab at it.
Marriage is long term endeavor, and hard, hard work. Don't listen to anybody otherwise unless they've been married at least ten years and say marriage is a piece of cake and you should leave him. Nobody who's been married for at least ten years ever says this.

If what you're doing isn't working then do something different. (Quitting on the marriage usually isn't a good choice, just a very popular one.)

So there are many options to getting very effective help with this problem. I think you are in situation #2 mentioned above. Which means you have to find things you will actually do. You come first at this point. Then you can help your husband tons better.

Homework like read a book, or dump him doesn't seem to be working. Taking a job far from home is certainly going to relieve your financial problems but will only compound your marriage. Why even try to save your marriage at this point? Because if you don't learn what you need to from this one your next relationship will start out great then will almost certainly go back to this one. You know what happens when you run from your problems? Your problems follow you. And eventually they always catch you.

What homework do you actually want to do to handle your life, marriage, new business, and the dog?
How do you like to learn? ****Reading, listening to audio, watching video, group workshops, or one-to-one with some type of "coach" or mentor?**** What will you do?

These are also the questions you have to find out about your husband. He is already motivated although seems to have gotten seriously sluggish for a while. Only now do we begin ultimatums. The first you should do immediately. >>Throw out the video games console and cancel cable TV within three days of not adhering to a minimalist schedule. Both are incredibly addictive. I am astounded that with all the advice given here nobody has mentioned this. Your husband is going to scream and holler about this but if you're ready to get a divorce aren't you ready to turn off the distractions first? I honestly can't believe I am hearing someone say they are willing to get a divorce and haven't even thought about smashing the video game console to pieces first. What is the priority?

Several people here have said he's depressed. Maybe he is, but I can't tell through writing. All I do know for sure is what guy isn't depressed from being out of work for a year? Not having some income seems to automatically be depressing!

Now if he's just going to go out and buy a new video game . . . well, now that's a different kind of problem. How far are you willing to go to save this marriage? Because an out of work husband who just plays video games needs some help not necessarily the hatchet.

What are you willing to do?
What lengths will you go to?
What is it really going to take?
Can you honestly turn this marriage around? < I've seen people come back from worse than you described but it's your life. Only you can decide. Marriage is incredibly hard work at times.

Do you remember the good times? That make it worth it?
If your roles were reversed what would you want him to do for you?

(And we haven't even gotten into personality styles, male/female dynamics, communication skills, coping skills, methodology, therapy, support, you get the idea?)