How Do I Help My Useless Brother?

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your brother! From everything I'm reading, it sounds like he may be in a deep state of depression. I don't know your relationship, but maybe he would benefit from talking to a professional about it? They may be able to prescribe something that will help to bring him out of the funk it sounds like he's in. Just my $.02 - but I hope it helped a little.

Love and accept him anyway. He's your Brother, after all. There's nothing my Brother could do that would stop me loving him.

I agree, he sounds depressed. Proper diagnosis and medication can work wonders for people. I would strongly encourage a professional evaluation.

he is seventeen .. he is your brother not your kid.. when members of your family have this attitude about you ..weather or not they say it or not .

is he doing hard drugs. running with gangs ..commiting petty crimes ?

or is he just lazy because he is good at nothing so anything he try people are critical of so there is no reason to try .

if you really care about him and don't want to deal with a sibling who is either suicidal..or has commited suicide ..

does he have signs of learning disabilities or even high functioning autism ?

beside watching stuff on the laptop .. does he play games or is there something he pours a huge amount of attention into that he can interact with

Depression is possible, though he does look after his health by avoiding unhealthy food, and still enjoys playing football and watching his TV shows, doesn't have blunted facial expressions. It's hard to tell because he's a bloody teenager. Still, I'll be keeping a close eye on him.

I do hope that Jenn is right and it's just a phase that he'll grow out of. Something has to spark his interest. He needs direction.

Maybe I should take him abroad?

He is 17.... If he was 27 then maybe start freaking out. He can't even drive yet in most places.

having a family that had no qualms with telling me i was a useless piece of shit lazy and all that crap.. and then being negative about anything i tried my life that didn't fit their idea of things ..

was a major factor in me becoming sucidal 4 years ago at 31 years old..and now that i am on my feet mentally and they don't agree with the way i am trying to physically heal from old work injuries .. i have to get far away from them and i doubt i will ever really care to talk to them for as long as i live .

at 17 having your older brother think you are useless lazy piece of shit ..is a rather traumatic thing .. that may turn out with him hating you for the rest of his life . if you go on treating him like that .. he may just accomodate your view and stay useless .

has he dropped out of school or is he just doing good enough to graduate ?

it may be bast to not try to get him to attemt college ..this may be a key part of his current act if he intentionally shuts off ..

though i understand your frustration.. e not fully ..but it is rather common ..now unfortunatly at 18 there may be no shortage of stupid girls to match your brother when he does take interest in them ..after highschool..

haha ,

i am planning to go live abroad for a while ..as much stuff as we are surrounded with here in the states ..when looking forward here and trained for a long time that you are worthless ..it really becomes hard or near impossible to get motivated ..at least if ya get him abroad and get him somewhere where he can live for not all that much ..

it may put wind in sails to find something he can do

Send him over! I'll give him a bump to start making money

well you don't have to go "positive" we humans had it all nice and easy and cozy where we where supposed to have it easy ..but a few bite of an apple and we learned there was a hard way to do things ..and we embraced it .

around the world about 30 percent of males under 30 or 35 are without employment or direction right now .. with that number higher in many places ..

historicly times like thi would lead to a major war ..but us yutes around the world are no to fat unhealthy or not smart enough for modern warfare . so

if anything it would be good to tell him to learn how to cook ..learn a skill to make thing he can trade or sell from time to time or grow some of his own food .

if he is going to be broke ..or poor .. developing skills to live pretty well on little money is better than having none .. i would probably have killed myself in the last few years if i did not learn how to cook tasty food that wa mostly goof for me ..

if you want positivity ..and say mot of his entertainment can be gotten from a low cost lap top with a good high speed wifi connection ..then he can learn skills to get ingredients and cook decent tasting food ..on the cheap.. he then only has to do the minimum to eventual get his own shelter or buy his own cloths .

from there it is up to him to stay poor ..or put effort in to get more .

i personally refuse to go on benifits .. but i did work for much of my adult life this long bit i have gone through was complete mental collapse after i was workng with a hurt back and bi polar disorder for years ..and i have been taking care of my elderly parents while i sorted things out .

unfortunately your brothers situation is very common today.

he either has to find a way to make himself useful which dumb people are many times better at figuring out than smart people..or he stay useless and at home. or yeah eventually offs himself..but the best way to avoid that is to not let him go on meds ....there is no way to feel good for any length of time when you feel of no value to the world

The thing about that is you cant help someone who doesn't want to help them self. 17 is still young, give it time.

when i was 17, all i was interested in was girls, guitars, girls, rugby and girls, not necessarily in that order

school was a battle zone

my parents have always supported me

they said stop school, do what you want, we will support you for a year, then you are on your own

in three months i was making more than my parents, in a year, i was making obscene amounts of money, not related to im, some of which i managed to retain

i have a lot to thank my parents for

my brothers tried to help, but it never worked i saw them as trying to live my life, their way,

time heals all wounds, or is it time wounds all heels

Although it may seem like he has no interests, he must enjoy *something*. You mentioned that he likes watching TV series online .... Why not nudge him to do a podcast or blog for TV reviews? Or a gaming site? I know it's not a money maker (short term) but that could stir the fires inside him. I wouldn't write him off yet, he's only 17!

Honestly I believe you have to show him what life is about. Instill fear in him that there is more to life. Be authoritative with him. Take away the tv, computer, phone. Last but not least get him some adderall.

ok snow ,

sense you had a second now older brother with the same problems ..this seems more a result of your parents rareing methods ..

did you yourself have a bit of trouble finding direction or getting grounded about his age..

He's 17. I don't think most 17 year olds are particularly motivated people, they've still got a confusing brew of hormones being pumped around their body that they're getting used to. Depression is also common at that age.

You might actually do him a better service by backing off and letting him find himself.

backing off ..letting him get out of school and making sure he doesn't get in any kind of debt ..

your instint to get him oversees or somewhere else may be what he needs ..if he is going to be lazy and useless .. it may be good for him to be close to a beach in another country ..

With those simple words above, you showed an extreme intent in that belief: That your brother is the dumbest, laziest, most useless, pathetic person that you've ever known. And that is where you've gone wrong.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink."

Similarly, you can forcibly make a person do a certain thing... but if he does not want to, you can't do it.

What you need to do, is to GO to where he is.

It's marketing, applied to real life.

What are his needs, his wants, his desires, his state of mind, etc? Have you ever placed yourself in his shoes?

WHY does he desire nothing in his life? Is it because he hasn't found a passion to live? Do you think it's because he has no one to impress or work for? What could be that reason?

(1) Find out the BIG HOOK. You need to first get his 100% attention. If he doesn't pay attention, no words will ever get into his head. Something that gets him to bolt up. A huge, big benefit.

(2) Market to him around that big hook. You're going to go with a "buying pyramid". Introduce small actions for him to agree on. These actions are like small price points.

(2B) You need to get him over the little actions by offering him benefits. A good guarantee, for example. Or extra bonuses. Or proof. Something like that.

(3) Then slowly lead him onto the bigger changes. Lead him up the 'price' pyramid. Produce that commitment (or what we'd call customer loyalty). He has to know, like and trust you to even believe what you're saying.



Contrary to common thought, marketing can be applied to a lot of situations... Because it's based off psychology.

James Fame

Well as you pointed out in your first few sentences you are into self help... and thats exactly what he needs to do help himself.... its like an addict, if they dont want help and are not ready to change then they are not going to and you are wasting your time and energy, be a good role model by improving your life..... also he is 17, 17 years dont give a shit about anything at that age, so its quite normal, you have to let him find his path but then by the same token you and your parents cant enable him to do nothing, dont give him money, limit his access to the internet, change the damn wifi password if you have to do and when he gets bored enough he will get off his backside and find something else to do...

I dont think worrying about him at this age is going to do anyone any good. Leave him be.. also my brother went through a very similar stage and he said that the more we kept on at him the more he did it, so let him find his own way for a while,,, treat him like an adult and he might act like one.... Tony.

I was in that situation before as your 17 year old brother.

Have him do something creative with his hobbies. If he likes watching shows, maybe get him to write a blog on his opinion of those shows.

When I was 17, all I cared about was a show called Dragon Ball Z and didn't want to do anything else but watch it. I loved it so much that I ended up making a website for it, landed a job because of the website I made, and eventually paved my path into becoming a filmmaker and internet marketer (the web design and graphics skills I learned from my Dragon Ball Z website helped me in my IM endeavors). That literally spiraled my life into a positive direction by giving me something to work for.

Have you ever considered the fact that maybe he has a personality disorder that is stopping him from functioning like a normal human being?

I never had a job till I was 19 (almost 20) so I don't see the issue with no job at 17. He may have other issues but I am sure the way you and likely your parents judge him isn't helping.

I'd warn you that you reap what you sow.

Other than the fact I was a genius who could ace every test without studying and had friends he doesn't sound that different from me. I didn't care in high school because I got how pointless it was.

I watched TV & surfed the net because that is what I enjoy to do. I still do it. But I also take drives in my Corvette.

He may end up shocking you by being successful and by ignoring you. And don't think blood makes a difference.

He's only 17. Give him time. Water always seeks its own level.

By changing your perspective of him.

In your title you used a very, very strongly emotional word that screams of negativity i.e. my USELESS brother.

It's like a parent who genuinely wants to help their child who they truly do want to help but they describe as their USELESS SON.

How would you like him to be when he isn't useless? That's where you should start from and work you way back using all available resources you've got available.

If you continue to see him in your mind's eye as useless, there's nothing you can do.

It's a small step, but a powerful one in the right direction.

BAYO

To help your useless brother, stop thinking of him as and seeing him as useless.

Reading this, and the rest of your post, and your further comments in this thread, I highly doubt that you qualify to "help" anyone. Your brother was most likely not born depressed. (which is what it sounds like). I am however not surprised if he is, after having to deal with your "brotherly love" for 17 years. If you really want to help him, back away and let him seek some professional medical /expert help. It actually sounds as if not only your brother, but also you, as well as your entire family could make use of some counseling.

From the way you put things, I think the problem is with you. You take to your brother as if he is a piece of shit. If that's what you think, that's what you get.

DO NOT TAKE HIM TO A WESTERN DOCTOR!

They seem to only fix things with drugs and from experience, that doesn't seem like what he needs!

I know that's a bold statement, but please read on!

I went through what your brother is going through, after going to the docs they prescribed me this new anti depressant, which did help. But now I suffer from permanent brain damage to my serotonin receptors ! Do your research on SSRI's and tell me if you want your BROTHER, your blood, to suffer that way!

My little brother has asberges, major social difficulties and was bullied for most of his childhood. Hes timid, awkward and shys away from people because of all the bullying he went through. He plays xbox from the min he wakes up to the second he goes to sleep.

Why? Because he is in his safe zone, where he feels comfortable, he laughs and jokes with his friends on xbox live . Even though there is a lack of human interaction, when he's playing, he's happy! And you know what thats fine with me.

I know for a fact that because I have not and will not give up on my brother, he will not give up on me ! One of the worst things you can do is give on someone, cuz one day later on in life, you never know when you are going to need a hand out and who knows that may be your lil bro.

Giving up is a form of quitting! Its sounds to me like you are NOT a quitter!

You have obviously stated your authority and that you know how to be successful, when he is ready, he will come to you! Until then, just carry on being a big bro looking out for him, not wishing he would be thrown out to fend or die!

I understand your frustration, we all have our probs with family, even the families I thought were perfect, I later on found out they too have issues !

And again keep him the f*** away from anti depressants, they have caused me so many issues and I wish the side effects upon no one.

The thing that really help me was reishi mushroom. I wont give you a source as I dont want it to sound like Im selling you anything, but do your research and invest in your little bro. I haven't suffered since using it 6 months ago!

Please dont give up on him, I know you came here to vent but this is the warrior forum, not the give up forum!

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to take action on,

R.S

P.s I dont want it to sound like im trying to preach you anything, of course I do not understand what the reality is of your own situation. This is however a message from one big brother to the next!

Perhaps he needs a girlfriend to have a reason do do something so, take him out to have some fun.. meet girls.. once he will have one, he will have to get more active and of course, he will need money to take her out

Try to be positive with him. There is a saying.. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all".

Patience. Comprehension. Things that are part of a bigger word: Love.

He might be depressed and may need lot of time to put himself on a positive road but once he finds a way, he will remember forever those who helped him. That's why when we're adults, we always remember with love and gratitude those who supported us in bad moments. Seems that's your turn to make a positive impact in his life.

Regards,

Diego.

We don't have all the facts. We don't have the brother's side of the story.

As vitally important as those facts are, I do suspect your brother has shut down to you and your parents due to all the hounding and shooting down every idea he has ever had.

You're the brother, not the parent. So, in a way it's not really your role. It's your parents role.

I would suggest backing off and letting him run his own life. I'm not sure how things are in the UK, but here 18 is usually the age of emancipation. Make sure he knows you are not abandoning him.

Back to the most important facts I mentioned at the beginning: Talk to a trained professional family counselor who has the proper background, who can operate with all the facts and family dynamics and provide the best guidance for the family, or just for you.

Dan

PS. Many years ago there was a study where the students were not divided into groups, but one group of teachers were told they had students with above average intelligence. The other group of teachers was told that they have average students. Guess which group of teachers got statistically significant better results? I'm sure you get my point about your underlying attitude towards your brother, expressed or not.

Sounds like he may be depressed, this may seem a ridiculous suggestion, but toss 10-20 grand at him and let him run free for a while enjoying himself, maybe this will move him out, let him have fun, get a girlfriends and some interests, maybe even lead to getting a job and moving on with life.

I have a rich million dollar a year earning brother that probably says the same thing about me, in fact I'm sure he does, but believe it or not his boring, linear, square lifestyle is one I could never live. He also wouldn't buy me a cookie if it were on sale, he probably would say to himself that I needed to earn it.

Everyone sitting around telling him what to do, or pointing out his many failure all the time might just add to the depression, so help him get off his ass and learn to enjoy life again.

If you can't afford 20 grand then you either really don't care or might want to work on your own example. Personally I don't have that kind of money to throw around

Hi Snow, do not use bad words on him, words are powerful, they are seed. You said you were positive before, yes stick to it, whether you see any good result or not. It may not be a one day or one month thing. When you plant a seed, does it grow over night, no, it takes time, that's why we have seed and harvest time. Please continue to call him good, blessed etc; he might not really be depressed, since he gets on well with family members that are his age, create more avenue where they can get together more often. Sometimes stay with them and have conversation with them,ask them what they want to do life, or some other stuff, he can open up. Another thing is if you stay around them you might act as if you're busy doing your own stuff, but you're listening, at least to know the kind of things he says.

If you use bad words too much, that will be scaring him and putting him off, please don't. And be sure he attend church, read the bible daily, that will also help him.don't give up.

too many people see trhe solution in drugs and professional help