Any New, Or Old Jokes?

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.


I saw two blind guys fighting...you should have seen the look on their faces when I said 'my money's on the one with the knife'...

A female cop was giving a guy a tick for peeing in public "sir you had your penis half out that's indecent exposure "

On the court date she repeated the statement.

The guy stood up in court and yelled " that's not true my penis was completely out of my pants "



Now I talked to this girl in Vegas for many months eventually she talk about getting picked up for soliciting. So I asked her rate and she said 100$ for 30 minutes. I wasn't really interested.

A week later I saw her again and asked her " how much for the3 minutes I needed. " she laughed

Another time I was on a bridge in whering the hangover costume while in just in my underwear standing next to a showgirl who had a great set of fake boobs. Every time someone walk by and screamed nice tits I grabs my chest and thanked them had the girl next to me laughing.

Second and third are funny stories i have first one was a joke as I would have yelled "she must have super vision because my eyes where less than 2 feet from it and I could barely see it

I was a bit worried when driving to the garage that the mechanic would turn out to be another hustler.
I was relieved to hear that my car only needed a turn signal fluid change.

Five rules to live by

1. Forgive your enemy but remember the SOB's name
2. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to
cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, then again, neither does milk.


I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of scruffy, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and Antifa slogans spray painted on the side stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "defund the police." and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!" So tomorrow morning, bright and early, I'm going out and get myself a job as a truck driver...

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Seeing the castle reminds me of my favorite childhood memory, which was building sand castles with my grandfather. Then my mom hid the urn from me.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Just had a laugh so passing it on. A friend's daughter is a nurse and posted this:


"Due to nationwide staffing shortages anyone dressed as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to pick up a shift."

No one has ever smelt anything when I break wind. My body odor covers it up.

A man was spending his afternoon with a couple who had recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. He was impressed refer to his wife with many pet namesake.

After the wife stepped out of the room the young man commented " it's really nice to here you say those things to your wife after so long. The old man look at the door leaned close to the young man and said " truth is I forgot her name four years ago "

For a time there was this trend of people going emo . They would listen to certain music and cut themselves.

Sense then I have wanted a genetically modified lawn called emo grass.so once a week I play music loud outside and watch my grass cut itself

Halloween Rules:


Dear Children:

I gave you life.
You give me your Reese's.

That's how it works.

Mom