I can't understand my kids

14 years ago

The fact that your 16 & 18yr old even still speak to you amazes me!

I remember avoiding my parents at all cost at that age & my answers/replies consisted of "uh huh", "yeah", and "ok". lol

All kidding aside, I don't have any real advice for you. Kids are on a whole different wavelength than others.

Teresa

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Dave Lewis

Banned 14 years ago

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tango943 14 years ago

i think proper guidelines is very important from their childhood!! so that we can't face such problems.
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- Kay King 14 years ago
  
  Perhaps understanding teens is against the laws of nature? Topics they MIGHT discuss with you: sports, girls, music, sports, sports
  
  They are too busy definiing/deciding who they are to worry about what Dad thinks is important to discuss It'll get better....
  
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Edward Rubi

14 years ago

Have you talked to them about it, or do they have no idea how you feel? My relationship with my son is such that I can do that. He may roll his eyes, or act like he's ignoring me, but he usually comes back and tells me that he's sorry. Communication and and a strong foundation are key in my opinion. He actually turned 20 years old today. The years that you are talking about can be a little challenging.

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KimW

14 years ago

YouTube - Parents Just Don't Understand

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Edward Rubi

14 years ago

Originally Posted by KimW

YouTube - Parents Just Don't Understand

LOL! A classic!

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Tina Golden

14 years ago

Lou,

Don't worry about it. If you did stay on one subject, you still probably wouldn't understand them anyway. Their language today seems to be based on reverse psychology - stuff that is sick is actually good - how do you talk on that basis? LOL.

Tina

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eSeM

14 years ago

Originally Posted by TMG Enterprises

Lou,

Don't worry about it. If you did stay on one subject, you still probably wouldn't understand them anyway. Their language today seems to be based on reverse psychology - stuff that is sick is actually good - how do you talk on that basis? LOL.

Tina

I haven't heard people say "sick" in quite some time, good stuff.

I think sick is old enough to be thrown in the pile with "yo that's deaf" and "lets get ill!", Right up there with "da bomb"

Maybe your teenagers jump subjects because they don't know what else to talk to you about? they feel like they've hit the end of that subject, and go to the next.

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lisaroberson 14 years ago

Originally Posted by KimW

YouTube - Parents Just Don't Understand

Aw yeah!! Thanks so much for the stroll down memory lane! Totally awesome!

I was almost 18 when that song came out.

Now I have three teens of my own. I understand 'em - but, I still want to pound them from time to time! LOL
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garyv

14 years ago

Teenagers and parents from all generations have gone through the same thing. I think we're programmed this way to make it easier to let our young ones leave the nest.

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Ads

14 years ago

part of it is probably age related, another part might be how you raised them. Have you tried flipping back? That is what I would do, you are aware of it so just ignore it and flip the conversation back if it is that important to you.

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glchandler 14 years ago

Perhaps understanding teens is against the laws of nature? Topics they MIGHT discuss with you: sports, girls, music, sports, sports

And for the next sixty seconds or so you can come up with another five or six topics!
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tinywebdesigner

14 years ago

I think you have not spent much time with them & now they do not care about you! Try to close them slowly as a friend! it will takes time to adjust!

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Jacqueline Smith 14 years ago

Originally Posted by tinywebdesigner

I think you have not spent much time with them & now they do not care about you! Try to close them slowly as a friend! it will takes time to adjust!

Sorry....don't agree with this. You can't assume he hasn't spent time with his kids and I doubt very much they don't care about him. As far as trying to be their friend......you'll likely get pushed away farther.

Teenagers are a breed of their own but, in my opinion, a very interesting breed that is highly underestimated.

The fact that you actually want to engage in converstaion with your kids is great! Maybe you could just focus on their areas of interest to begin with. It will get them use to engaging with you and make them feel more comfortable doing so when it's something you want to talk about.

I have one teenager left at home and thoroughly enjoy his company. Granted the conversations of his choice are usually alot longer than my choices!

Enjoy your time with them no matter what you're doing with them. Soon, you will be entering a whole new world with them....moving out, careers, marriage, grandchildren. I have one child in each of those stages right now. I also have 2 granchildren (and a third one coming in a few weeks). The evolution of our children (and all the differnet personas that appear throughout) are all a profound time in our lives and theirs.

Just love them and be there for them....always!
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johnny_h

14 years ago

I have no kids, but I do remember the last couple years of high school very well (at least in regards to my parents & family). My relationship to them was defined by two things:

1. What I was doing I knew they wouldn't approve of
2. What I was doing that I didn't want them to be a part of

I didn't communicate with them at all just for the simple fact that I didn't want them to hassle me about my choices or spoil anything that I held in high regards (probably for fear of the former...).

Not much you can do about it - I'm not saying that your kids are out doing anything bad - my worst offense was sneaking out at night & hanging out in the woods (yes, lived in the country).

The flip side is that, while I had absolutely no relationship with my father in high school, I actually enjoy spending time with him now - I bought a house & he comes over and helps me work on it, & we're ramping up to restore his old Triumph TR3 that's been in the garage since I was born. I think it will come around for you in the end, they say the teenage years are the hardest right?

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websitemrktg

14 years ago

I think its great that you are still focused and trying. It is so important to keep the communication open even if they are "subject flipping". So many parents just give up because they are told its normal all the while a bigger gap grows between them and their kids. Teenagers have a pretty short attention span, so if you can, let them run with the conversation. Leading it where they take it. Of course if its something more important you need to bring them back to it.

They will also feel more in control and independent if they are guiding the conversation. Like I said though,there are of course going to be many times where they will need to stop and listen and you will need to take a stand when they arise.

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octobergal 14 years ago

I think it's great that you're so involved and having conversations with them. Says alot about you as a parent, too, that they're still having in depth conversations with you. Just keep listening and adding your input when you get what they're saying, you're doing a good job!
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- Hesaidblissfully 14 years ago
  
  It's funny that when you're a little kid, Mommy and Daddy are the COOLEST people in the world. But then by the time you're a teenager, Mommy and Daddy are the two people you'd least like to be seen in public with. At least that's how it is for a lot of people.
  
  I think relationships tend to improve as your kids get older and more mature (provided they didn't have an overly tumultuous relationship with you), and also once they're living on their own and don't feel like their freedom is being costrained by parental rules anymore.
  
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HeySal

14 years ago

Mmmm. Never had kids. Really not missing being able to relate to this one.

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Sheryl Polomka

14 years ago

How about the spelling of kids these days? Has anyone noticed that with Facebook and sms that kids are actually starting to really spell things the way they do to shorten them on Facebook etc.

My sons friend got the word 'spider' wrong in a spelling test last week and he's 12. My 8 year old knows how to spell spider. My sons friend spelled it 'spida' and his excuse was that's how they spell it on Facebook etc.

Or y instead of why - I wonder how many teachers get that from kids in spelling tests

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whateverpedia

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Sheryl Polomka

How about the spelling of kids these days? Has anyone noticed that with Facebook and sms that kids are actually starting to really spell things the way they do to shorten them on Facebook etc.

My sons friend got the word 'spider' wrong in a spelling test last week and he's 12. My 8 year old knows how to spell spider. My sons friend spelled it 'spida' and his excuse was that's how they spell it on Facebook etc.

Or y instead of why - I wonder how many teachers get that from kids in spelling tests

The worst part of this is that employers are getting job applications and resumes written in "text".

No wonder youth unemployment is so high.

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peter_act 14 years ago

You need to learn "teenspeak".

Insert the the word "like" after every second word, and end every sentence with an uplift in your voice, as if it were a question.
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NicholasX

14 years ago

You have to have a interesting subject to talk about. Try to get closer with them, find out what interest them, and talk about it. And most important, you have to talk with them at the right time. FYI, Kids hate to talk at the morning and afternoon.

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Dave Patterson

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

Hello,
it has come to the point that I have no idea what my kids are talking about.
I have two boys 16 and 18 and I try to have a meaningful conversation with them,
the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

Geez Lou...UNDERSTANDING them is not part of yoyr job requirement.

SURVIVING those years with your sanity intact should be YOUR primary concern...

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tryinhere

14 years ago

i wished subject flipping was the only problem i had, one of mine is on the not happy with dad pills, apparently he is to tough and not fair, i want , i want i want, well no it does not work that way sorry, i hate dads i hate dads.

stamp stamp stamp, just love it

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willyboy104

14 years ago

Interesting.

I think its important as a parent to give your kids some space, a bit of independence especially when they are reaching their late teens, graduating from school, college and either getting a job or enrolling in University. Teachers pressurize kids to grow up and become mature at school and college however when at home many parents which I have witnessed seem to still see their kids as well...being kids. They are not kids anymore and its important every parent acknowledges that.

If you're finding it hard to talk to your kids on a serious matter then I think the best thing you can do is instead of trying to relate with them in their "own language" (so to speak), just support them and reassure them that you are there for them whenever they need you.

That's what everyone wants at the end of the day, support when needed, not unwanted support. The family is the one network which should be available whenever a member of the family needs support, they should never turn their back on a family member but should also give each other enough space to grow.

I am 20 years old and in the past 6-7 years I was lucky enough to mature very quickly. I knew the value of money, working hard, achieving things and having goals by the time I reached 13 (thanks to my Dad and my hard labour helping my dad build garages, conservatories and houses). However I know this isn't the case for every teenager, most are so bloody immature.

I have always seen myself as being about 5 years older than I actually am and I think it is important to give children a sense of in in-dependency from a very early age and to drill it in to them constantly. That's what makes children mature, that's what helps them grow and helps them to understand life's complexities.

I guess your children are just not there yet and most aren't at that age, just as I mentioned assure them that you are there for them when ever they need you and one day them will come to you

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ARVolund 14 years ago

It is always hard to say what the exact problem is not knowing how you and your boys interact but in general I think a lot of it has to do with the kinds of conversations parents have with their children. I know with my dad it seemed the only conversations we had was when he was grilling me about one thing or another or telling me how things were going to be.

If you want to have long and interesting conversations what you need to talk about is ideas as opposed to concrete what did you do today kinds of conversations. Try making sure that your conversations are not about what they are doing but what they are thinking. Makes for much better conversations.

Now if you have not had these kinds of conversations in the past it may take awhile to get them going but it will be well worth the effort. The boy and I have been having idea conversations since he was in elementary school (he is 17 now) so it is normal for us. Obviously the subject matter and the quality of the conversations gets better as they get older but it is never to early to start them thinking and talking about abstract ideas.

Start with something from a book, movie, news report, or even an tv show. Find something in it that sparks an open ended philosophical question and then talk about it. Do not just talk about the primary consequences of the idea but the secondary ones as well.

Most of his friends think we are a bit strange but I try and get them involved as well when they are around. You can tell that for a lot of them the whole notion of talking to their parents like that is a new idea for them.

Just a few of the subjects we have covered recently

artificial intelligence

US constitution and how the founding fathers would do it differently if they saw what was going on today. How would he have done it differently.

economics and how the value of the dollar influences the cost of oil and other imports.

nanotechnology in medicine and how it is going to affect life expectancy. How will living longer change peoples outlook and society.

Atlas shrugged- He just finished reading it recently. No matter what side of the fence you are on her ideas they do make for some very interesting conversations.

This also led to some very interesting conversations on ethics and morality.

One thing that helps is we do not do tv. Have not even had one in the house for a couple of years and even before that we did not watch it much. That does leave a lot more time for talking since we are not staring slacked jawed at the box.

Richard
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Fernando Veloso

14 years ago

Lou,

My wife is 31 and she suffers from same problem

If you find a cure, send it over!!

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HorseStall

14 years ago

If they are conversing with you, you should be happy ;-) The truth is if you build good communication with them when they are younger they will learn how to properly converse and it will be less of an issue.

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Edk

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

Hello,
it has come to the point that I have no idea what my kids are talking about.
I have two boys 16 and 18 and I try to have a meaningful conversation with them,
the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

Maybe just be there for them and wait for them to come to you. And in the event you were awkward with your own parents, just remember that time

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Anelly

14 years ago

It's just the way things should be. Try to understand them and listen what they have to say you might find out many things.

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MikeAmbrosio

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

Hello,
it has come to the point that I have no idea what my kids are talking about.
I have two boys 16 and 18 and I try to have a meaningful conversation with them,
the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

Lou,

My boys are now 21 and 19, so the 18 and 16 year olds are not too far removed

There's an old saying - The older THEY get the smarter YOU get. I have found that to be true.

3 years ago, my younger one found it difficult to talk to me. His words were typically "You wouldn't understand. It's not the same as it was when you were my age!".

My patient response was usually "How would you know what it was like when I was your age? You weren't born yet..." and usually followed by "I've been 16. You've never been 41. There's nothing you can tell me that would shock me - and much I can tell you that would make your head spin...".

Basically it's just Be Patient. Let them know you're there. Trying to force a conversation is futile. But if they know they can come to you, they eventually will.

It usually starts with money. "Dad - I saw this cool guitar I really want. It's $600. I saved $400 - can I borrow the other $200?" Opportunity for a lesson in there. Or at the very least - a way to get some labor out of them for a while

Not too long ago, my now 19 year old told me that I am his favorite person to talk to (and no - he didn't ask me for anything after that LOL!).

My 21 year old comes to me when he needs advice about things like car buying, motorcycles (he bought his Harley 2 years ago - all his), building credit...things like that.

It's a lot of work but the rewards are worth it. Hang in there.

Mike

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Mikael-C 14 years ago

Well,

I don't know about you , but sometimes when parents try to talk with their kids - particularly when there are not do it regularly - this kind of attitude can happen...it's like you want to talk suddendly but you never did it before...It's sound like you are interested in me now - it's a little late do not you think so...?

However, and it's a general attitude - talk with your heart without try to find the words...I mean if you're angry and share this emotions with your kids - it's your emotion - they don't have to accept it - it's the same with you - if they are nervous, angry - it's not your feeling

Just to tell you, that you could be angry or don't care about me - but me i care about you, i love you and i express this feeling...I don't know if you get the point and if it makes sense to you but take a look at : The E.S.P.E.R.E. Method from jacques salome...
it could be helpful...
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qualitynurse

14 years ago

I think that is great that you still communicate with your kids,that while they are growing, they use different subjects and it gives you the opportunity to think on new ones. I have kids , but they are younger, I hope when they reach to 16 to 18 years old they continue speaking to me.

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ramshankarN

14 years ago

This is called generation gap.before talking to them about the things u want to say try to talk about the things which they want to talk about and then slightly flip to the topic which u want to speak with them. i know it will work.
Reply me if it works

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williamkmohr

14 years ago

Dont worry lou, it will be alright soon , they will Feel when their children do like this and goes around without hearing dads words

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Banned 14 years ago

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pickthat apple 14 years ago

Constant use of: surfing, facebook, twitter and so on decreases the attention spam and get us used to jump from one subject to the other with ease and without too much thinking. That is so common amongst teenager today.
As for myself, at the age of 45, I am pleased to be a very scarce user of the above facilities, and I am nowhere near becoming addicted to it.
I rather have concerns for my children (which are only young for the moment), and I will try to limit their time on the computer in the future.
At the same time I have to admit that computers are invaluable and very necessary, and make our life so much richer!
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Banned 14 years ago

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Diana Lane

14 years ago

My lads are 20 and 21, and apart from a brief dalliance that the youngest had with pyromania when he was eleven or so, they've been no trouble. Seventeen year old daughter is a different story. She's been a teenager since she was about nine, and if door slamming and storming off in a huff were Olympic events she could bring home a British gold for both of them. Looking back, me and my sisters weren't exactly trouble-free as teenagers either, so I'm beginning to think that girls are a lot worse than boys when it comes to teen trauma. I am hoping that seven year old daughter will be the exception that proves the rule

As for what teenagers write and the way they write it, half the time when eldest daughter and her friends pop up on my Facebook page I'm only surprised that Babelfish haven't made a translator available.

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ursimrankhanna

14 years ago

Hi, such a nice and help full post. thx for share with us.

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CDarklock

14 years ago

Here.

YouTube - Lady GaGa - Teeth (HQ)

There are three interlaced messages in this song.

If you can't identify at least two of them, just give up.

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Rick B

14 years ago

When someone changes the subject after two or three sentences it usually means that they're not interested in what you are talking about. Finding a subject that interests both you and teenage boys could be difficult.

I would suggest what I've always done with women. Talk about what they are interested in. Become an expert in the subject. Watch the TV shows they watch. Do the things they do.

I always found it's easier to take the path of least resistance and I've become extraordinarily good at actually becoming interested in new things.

Or you could just kick their butts down the road and re-establish relationships with them when they are interested in adult stuff.

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Saladin

14 years ago

I used to do the same with my parents coz here's basically why :

I understand now that they want us to be the best EVER , And of course that leads to lots of critical comments , not including TONS of repitition that NEVER ends , Hence our responses end up with "Okay Dad" and change the subject or act like he didn't tell me anything .

If you're more expressive , warm & compassionate they might be capable of understanding your protective loving side more , But make sure you're not hypocritical and you put yourself in their shoes , Nothing is worse than that , And I see it all the time .

Good luck

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Pauline60

14 years ago

Usually my 15 year old daughter hates me, until she is upset about something then I am the only person she wants. My 13 year old says I am an idiot but laughs when he says it. My 11 year old thinks I am a hippy because I was born in 1960 and she has watched Austin Powers. My six year old thinks I am the font of all knowledge and wisdom.

Its a mistake to try to understand them...just love them and go with the flow. And ground them when necessary (or if you are having a bad day).

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funlearnchinese

14 years ago

you should try to do the same things they did to you, they will know how it feels. then if they feel bothered, explain that is how they treated you, which is not socially accepted and that habit will make their peers dont want to make friends with them, and will make their teachers don;t like them,etc.
then tell them how important and how polite it is to keep sb's topic. and show them how easy it is to form that good habit.

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ButterflyGarden

14 years ago

It would be strange if you did understand your kids ;-)

I think the important thing is to maintain a dialogue with your kids from a young age, then when they turn into aliens (the teen years) you still have a basis for communication ;-)

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Hanz

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

Hello,
it has come to the point that I have no idea what my kids are talking about.
I have two boys 16 and 18 and I try to have a meaningful conversation with them,
the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

The trick is to be Cool! There's nothing more important in life than being cool.

So even if you're not actually cool, just pretend you are. You'll be fine.
Besides, you're not at a loss. Your kids' kids are going to ignore them too when they get older. It's just how it is!

What goes around comes around! Unfortunately though your kids' kids are likely going to ignore you completely! Oh well!

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Hanz 14 years ago

What you can do is invade their computers and look at their 'History' and see what sites they're visiting. Then visit those sites, gain some info and start making small-talk which your kids might be interested in. So next time you're with your kids, say "Hey, don't you think Zac Efron has a nice set of abs?"
Although they might get suspicious. Try something like "Miley Cirus is really hot isn't she?"
Your kids will probably look at you funny and leave the room though. But what matters is that you make a go of it. Good luck to you!
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Starring_Emma

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

Hello,
it has come to the point that I have no idea what my kids are talking about.
I have two boys 16 and 18 and I try to have a meaningful conversation with them,
the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

Parents have no idea how to talk to their kids or what to talk to them about. My dad trys to have "daddy/daughter" talks with me and he comes off as sounding really awkward.

Thanks

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lcombs

14 years ago

Don't give it a second thought.

Just roll with the punches and let it be.

Until they're moved out and on their own will it become necessary for them to feel they need to communicate with you.

When they're around 25 or so you can begin relating with them on an adult level.

The fact they even speak with you on any level now means they actually give a sh*t about you. More than that, they actually care.

Just take what you can get and be there for them when they need you.
And don't come down on them (too hard) when they screw up.

Thanks

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lcombs

14 years ago

Just to put things in perspective...

My dad was 45 when I was born in 1954.

He was raised in an almost pioneer area. Eastern Kentucky. He started working in a coal mine when he was 14.
Rode a mule to school.

Skip ahead to 1970.

I'm 16 years old in the middle of the peace movement.

We were "rappin' about the "fuzz" and "diggin'" on The Who.

Things were "outta site" and "far out".

Communication gap.
My old man had no idea what we were saying, let alone worrying that we were changing subjects.

Just food for thought.

Thanks

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wdoucette

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Lou Diamond

the thing that happens the most is that they change the subject after 2 or 3 sentences.
I gave this a new name, I call it subject flipping it is the same as channel flipping on your television.
Does anyone have a solution to this one.
Thanks in advance.
Lou Diamond

Yes, I've experienced this also...and not only with my kids.

I think it's part of a condition relating to information overload in general. Unless you are taught how to put your mind to rest, then your brain will just keep flipping channels between random thoughts.

Most people are NOT good listeners -you've really got to work at it.

I'm reading an interesting book, "How to get things Done" by Dave Allen, and I found it to be a rather refreshing look at productivity. He first teaches to, "Have a mind like water"...

You can't have "a mind like water" if you, and consequently, your thoughts, are completely disorganized.

-It's a subject they ought to teach in school.

Thanks

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Silas Hart

14 years ago

Actually, this generation (I'm not sure if Im really apart of your kids' generation or not) is extremely interesting in the way they communicate and understand information. I'm not sure if you understand what I mean. Watch them on the computer, I bet they dart around to different websites and do two or three things at once. At this moment, I have 8 (EIGHT!) Tabs open, and this message is the only thing I'm accomplishing. Think of it as reading a comic, the back of a cereal box, and a book for school at the same time. Somehow, people are able to understand the material this way - but a person who sits down and reads one thing at a time and takes a small moment to dwell on what they just read will understand it much more. This is beyond what people thought of as "multi-tasking."

Not many kids these days will sit down and have a conversation, you may even say that they won't sit down and have a deep conversation. They are texting, while checking e-mail on their phone, and updating their facebook status. In relation, this is how kids communicate in the physical world. Imagine three or four kids, the first two minutes is about Teacher X, the next two minutes is about Gym, the next two minutes is about what they did last week, and then it goes back to Teacher X, and then back to what they are doing again, then maybe they will bring something up about gym, and during all of this... they spoke in really Short sentence fragments ALMOST LIKE TWITTER! 10 minutes later, ask this what one of their friends said about what they did last week, and watch them think about it for about 4 seconds before they respond. Their entire social interactions with each other was inefficient at really being social interactions.

So, it's not that your kids aren't interested in conversing with you, it's just that they aren't conversing you in the same way. Try to calm them down, isolate them (such as in a car while driving, just one of them), and talk to them.

This will either Anger them, which is more common than we all think... they won't understand Why they are Angry, which is often how we react to something that seems to bother us without us understanding. Or, they will probably have the most insightful conversation they have had in long time.